Sage of Innocence Saga
by Galaxy Girl
Summary: Link and his comrade Little Link of the Gorons are called to arms in this mother of all comedy selfinsertions when a virus attacks Hyrule. Evil Teletubbies, brainwashed retro authors and a familiar bad guy make this anything but a normal adventure!
1. Prologue: The Deadly Death Mountain Disa...

The Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
This story is going to feature almost all of the prominently Zelda authors on FF.N. If you'd like to make a cameo, please email me or tell me in a review! Also, I'm looking for 5 author Sages, so if you'd like to appear as an author Sage later in the fic, please leave in your review your author name and your preferred Sage power (Come on, be creative! No used ones, like Forest, Water, Spirit, Fire, etc...) I'd also like to thank Chica for suggesting the title, "Sage of Innocence".   
  
PS: This story takes place a few years after OoT, when Link is 20 years old.  
  
  
Prologue  
  
It started as a normal day for me. I woke up, ate a few rocks, took a shower, was rescued from the shower by Daddy, and everything I normally do.   
But then it turned into the weirdest day of my life!  
  
Oh, sorry. I'm ahead of myself. My name is Little Link of the Gorons or LL for short, I'm 14 Goron years old, (3 of your years) and I'm technically the prince of the Goron race. I live on Death Mountain in the land of Hyrule, and this is the story of the weirdest thing that ever happened to me.   
  
I'd better explain a few things first. I'm called "Little" Link, because I'm named after someone. His name is Link, and he's a Hylian, a normal person. He's also the Hero of Time, the great Dodongo Buster, and the Hero of the Goron Race! Link was 17 Hylian years old when I met him, but when this happened, he was 20 Hylian years. He's an all around cool guy. He was involved in this story too.   
  
Then there's my dad, Darunia. He's the King of the Gorons. He's a great guy too. He dances pretty funny, but he's big and strong and very brave. He's also a big important person called a "Sage". My dad's the Sage of Fire. He helped Link and a bunch of other people save the world! Pretty cool, huh?  
  
And there's this girl named Galaxy Girl. She's my girlfriend. She's also a superheroine! But since she lives on Earth, I don't get to see her a lot. She's 14 in normal Earth years, and she's really, really cute! GG appears in this story a bunch too.   
  
I think that's all the main characters... I think... well... yeah. Hmmm... OK, I suppose you'll be wanting to hear the story now. Well, it all started like this...  
  
(dreamy sound FX)  
  
DOOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
CHAPTER ONE: Trouble's Afoot -or- A Deadly Death Mountain Disaster!  
  
Well, like I said, it was a normal day. I was playing checkers with myself, and Daddy was reading a book. Or, trying to, I think.   
I moved a red piece, and then I got hungry, so I ate a black one.   
It's not easy to play checkers with yourself when you're hungry.  
  
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.   
"Son, could you get that?" asked Daddy.  
"OK," I said.   
I walked outside Dad's room and stumbled into the Goron Shop.   
  
I turned to the shopkeeper.   
"Mojo, could you get that?"   
"OK," he said.   
Mojo left his post and leaned his head in the stairway up to the top of the city to another Goron. "Yo Arty! Could you get that?"   
"OK," he said.   
  
Arty rolled up the stairs a bit and tossed a small pebble at another Goron standing near the Lost Woods shortcut.   
"Hey Mukluk! Could you get that?"   
"OK,"   
  
"Hey Gordo, could you get that?"  
"Hey George, could you get that?"  
"Hey Jimmy, could you get that?"  
"Hey Max, could you get that?"  
"Hey Bubba Bo Bob Brian, could you get that?"  
"Hey Bill, could you get that?"   
  
Finally, Bill opened the door to the city.   
"Oh hello, Mr. Link!" said Bill.   
"Hi Bill. Is Darunia here?"   
Bill frowned. "Hmm, let me check!"   
  
"Bubba Bo Bob Brian, is Darunia here?"  
"Max, is Darunia here?"  
"Jimmy, is Darunia here?"  
"George, is Darunia here?"  
"Gordo, is Darunia here?"  
"Mukluk, is Darunia here?"   
"Arty, is Darunia here?"  
"Mojo, is Darunia here?"  
"LL, is Darunia here?"  
"Hey Dad, are you here?"  
"I'm here."   
  
"He's here, Mojo."  
"He's here Arty."  
"He's here Mukluk."  
"He's here Gordo."  
"He's here George."  
"He's here Jimmy."  
"He's here Max."  
"He's here, Bubba Bo Bob Brian."   
"He's here Bill."   
  
"He's here, Link!" Bill said.   
Link sighed and shook his head. "I can't believe how lazy you guys are!"   
  
"He can't believe how lazy we are, Bubba Bo Bob Brian,"  
"He can't believe how lazy we are, Max,"   
"He..."  
  
"OK! OK! OK! That's enough!" Link yelled. "I'll just go down and talk to him myself!"   
  
A few minutes later, Link was standing in my Dad's room with me and Daddy.   
"Hi Darunia. I'm here for some bombs,"   
"Really? Well, then you came to the right place!" Dad chuckled.   
"And also..."   
"What?" Dad asked, sounding a bit worried.   
"There's something funny going around at the top of Death Mountain!" Link whispered.   
"Whaddya mean?" I asked.   
"Well, there's a strange cloud around the peak, and it smells funny around the mountain..."   
"Oops," Dad said. "I knew I ate too many beans at the barbecue last night!"   
"Um, not THAT kind of cloud and smell, Darunia."   
  
"Hmmm..." Dad thought. "I wonder why I didn't sense it when it happened! I'm supposed to sense bad stuff happening around the mountain!"   
"I wanna go check it out, 'K?" Link said, turning to leave the room.   
"NOOOOO! I WANNA GOOOO!" I yelled.   
"LL, you're too young!" Link laughed. "Plus, I got a sword."   
"But... DAAAAD!" I whined.   
"I'll go too, LL. You can come,"   
"YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"   
  
Dad pulled open the secret passage to the Fire Temple, and we passed through the hole. Link changed into his red Goron tunic to protect him from the heat.   
  
When we passed out of the mountain crater and onto the summit, we gasped to see a weird looking cloud surrounding the mountain's peak!   
Instead of the normal gray cloud, it was black, with lots of tiny green 1s and 0s all over it in strange combinations. I actually remembered the sequence. It went...   
  
100100100111100110010100100100100011110100010010101010110011001100100010101111  
  
"WOW!" I cried.   
"What is it?" asked Link.   
"GG showed me this! It's computer programming!" I said, pulling a book out of my pocket.   
"What's that, son?" Dad queried.   
"'Computer Programming For Idiots and Gorons!'" I said proudly. I flipped through the pages until I found the exact sequence in the cloud.   
"OH NO!" I cried.   
"WHAT?" Dad and Link echoed.   
"This is the code for a VIRUS!" I yelped. "The... Reality Virus!"   
"What does it do?" asked Link, genuinely worried.   
"It says here that it..."   
  
Suddenly, the cloud began to expand, and a blazing white light began to shine out of the top of the volcano.   
"OH NOOOOOO!" we all screamed.   
The white light began to spread, forcing us all to cover our eyes to avoid being blinded. It was engulfing everything!   
"DAAADDDDDDDY!" I cried.   
  
Seconds later, there was a series of horrified screams, and we covered out ears. I swore I had heard a few of them before, but where, I wasn't sure.  
Suddenly, I heard a familiar scream, one that made my normally hot blood run cold.   
  
"LITTLE LINK! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!"   
  
It was Galaxy Girl!   
  
  
  
What's all the screaming about? What exactly DOES the Reality Virus do, and how did it get on top of Death Mountain? And what does a "Sage of Innocence" have to do with anything, huh? Stay tuned for Chapter Two...  
  
WHEN VIRUSES ATTACK!  
  
-or-  
  
"MOMMY, THERE'S AN AUTHOR IN MY SOUP!"  
  
COMING SOON!   
  
(A/N: I REALLY need the five author Sages soon! So, please, please, PLEASE send in your applications! Thanks!)   



	2. Waiter, There's An Author In My Soup!

The Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER TWO: WHEN VIRUSES ATTACK! -or- "MOMMY, THERE'S AN AUTHOR IN MY SOUP!"   
  
If you thought this story was starting to get weird LAST chapter, boy are you in for a surprise! Well, it's me, LL again. I just wanted to tell everyone that this story may seem scary at times, but I promise it'll turn out good in the end!   
I hate bad movies or stories where people die! GG had to block FF.N on her computer except for if you had a password, cause I kept reading stuff that scared me, and there was this one story...  
  
Um, anyway...  
  
  
  
I tried to ignore the screaming, cause it was starting to scare me.   
Link screamed out from next to me. "WHAT THE $&%^ IS GOING ON?"   
Suddenly, everything got quiet.   
  
I opened my eyes. We were in a wide open room, with strange wavy blue patterns changing and moving around the walls. Beams of light streamed down from the ceiling, and small platforms were set up around the room.   
  
I looked down at my feet to see we were standing on a blue platform. A gold Triforce symbol was marked on the floor near me, and I was standing on a weird symbol. It looked kinda like those smiley face T shirts that you see in 70's movies. All around us on the edge of the platform were more strange disks and symbols.   
  
Link looked around for a sec. "We're in the Chamber of Sages," he said.   
"Where's Daddy?" I wailed.   
"I haven't been in here for years!" Link said, scratching his head. "I wonder what that virus did!"   
"I'm scared!" I moaned.   
"Uh..." Link patted my head. "Everything's gonna be fine!" he said, in a monotone voice. It was NOT reassuring.   
Suddenly, something even creepier happened.   
  
A voice rang out through the chamber.   
  
**GREETINGS LINK, HERO OF TIME. GREETINGS, LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS!**  
  
"AAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" I screamed. "IITTT KNOOOOWS MYYYYYYYYY NAAAAAAAAME!"   
  
**UHHH... WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?**  
  
"Um, he's only 3 years old!" Link whispered.   
  
**OHHHH. I GET IT.**  
  
"Who are you?" I said, getting a hold of myself.   
  
**I AM THE VOICE OF DESTINY**  
  
"Really?" Link asked.   
  
**YES**  
  
"Really?" I asked.   
  
**I SAID YES**  
  
"Really, really, really REEEEEALLY really?"   
  
**YEEEEES! I SAID YEEEES! I REALLY AM THE VOICE OF DESTINY!**  
  
"Well, don't you think she'll be wanting her voice back?" I said.   
  
**WHO?**  
  
"Destiny!" I yelled. Couldn't this person realize the obvious?  
  
**(sigh) OH GOOD GRIEF! JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!**  
  
"Fine with me," Link said, having a seat in the middle of the Triforce symbol. "I've heard a lot of these big long lectures, trust me, they get boring!" he whispered to me.   
  
**QUIET, MORTAL!**  
  
"Sorry," he said quickly.   
  
**THAT VIRUS THAT YOU JUST SAW. THE REALITY VIRUS. I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT!**  
  
"Where did it come from?" Link asked.   
  
**THE VIRUS WAS SPURRED BY TOO MANY FALSE REPORTS OF THE TRIFORCE IN ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME. THIS VIRUS IS NOW OUT OF CONTROL, AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP IT!**  
  
"What was all that screaming?" I inquired.  
  
**THAT'S THE BAD PART. THE VIRUS HAS TAKEN OVER ALL THE COMPUTERS IN THE WORLD. IT SUCKED ALL OF THE ZELDA AUTHORS FROM FANFICTION.NET INTO THE WORLD OF HYRULE, AND THEY'VE ALL FORGOTTEN WHO THEY ARE!**  
  
"OH NO!" Link and I cried.   
"Um... what's so bad about that?" Link asked. "I've heard a few of them Zelda authors are pretty cool dudes."  
  
**YOU IDIOT. THEY'VE FORGOTTEN WHO THEY ARE. PLUS, YOU ARE IN A VIDEO GAME. IF THE ZELDA AUTHORS CAN'T WRITE FICTIONS, THEN YOU AND EVERYONE IN HYRULE IS FORCED TO RELIVE THE ALREADY WRITTEN VIDEO GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, FOREVER!**  
  
"You mean..." Link said slowly. "If the authors can't get back into their own world... We'll relive the time from when I was 10 to when I was 17 OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN?"  
  
**EXACTLY!**  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" we both screamed.   
"But GG! What about her? I heard her screaming! Where is my girlfriend?" I whimpered.  
  
**SHE'S PROBABLY WITH THE OTHER AUTHORS, DOWN IN HYRULE, THINKING THAT THEY'RE PART OF THE GAME AND LIVING NORMAL HYLIAN LIVES! THE VIRUS GAVE THEM ALL AMNESIA, LEAVING US WITH NO ONE TO WRITE NEW ZELDA STORIES! IF WE CAN'T RESTORE THE AUTHORS MEMORIES... WE'RE DOOMED TO RELIVE THE PAST OVER AND OVER AGAIN!**  
  
"Should the Sages know about this?" Link murmured.  
  
**THEY CAN'T HELP. WE NEED THE AUTHOR SAGES TO HELP US HERE!**  
  
"Who are the Author Sages?" I asked.   
  
**THE AUTHOR SAGES ARE A GROUP OF SIX AUTHORS... THEY ARE SAID TO HAVE SO MUCH POWER, EVEN THE TRIFORCE IS A TOY IN COMPARISON TO THE WEAPON THAT IS FORMED WHEN YOU RECEIVE ALL OF THE AUTHOR SAGE MEDALLIONS!**   
  
"But... If all the authors think they're Hylians, how do we find the Author Sages?" Link asked, getting as confused as I had been at the very beginning of this lecture.   
  
**THINK, EINSTEIN. HOW DID YOU AWAKEN THE OTHER SIX SAGES?**   
  
"I... killed stuff?" he guessed.  
  
**YOU WENT TO THE TEMPLES, GENIUS!**   
  
"Oh!" Link said, snapping his fingers. "But... there are only five temples! Are there Author Sages in those temples?"  
  
**THE AUTHOR SAGES ARE EACH IN THEIR OWN TEMPLE. A NEW TEMPLE. NOT THOSE TIRED OLD THINGS YOU CALL TEMPLES!**   
  
"Huh?" I asked. "But... Daddy told me there are no more temples in Hyrule!"  
  
**WELL LL, YOUR DADDY IS A MORON. THERE ARE ACTUALLY SEVEN MORE TEMPLES IN HYRULE, ONE IN EACH PLACE THAT THERE IS AN OLD SAGE TEMPLE. PLUS ONE MORE!**   
  
"What's the seventh temple?" Link asked. "There are only six Author Sages!"  
  
**THE SEVENTH TEMPLE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. IT IS THE FIRST THAT YOU SHOULD VISIT, BECAUSE IT HOLDS AN INCREDIBLE SECRET THAT INVOLVES YOU, LITTLE LINK.**  
  
"ME? A SECRET? But I'm not good at keeping secrets!" I protested.   
  
**THE FIRST TEMPLE IS HIDDEN IN THE FOLLOWING PLACE...  
  
THE FIRE TEMPLE'S SHADOW HITS  
A SPINNING YOU, YOU MUST VISIT  
INSIDE THE BELLY YOU WILL FIND   
THE FIRST SAGE'S YOUNG SIMPLE MIND!**  
  
"Huh? What kinda of a cheap-@$$ clue was that?" Link whined.   
  
**TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, SKIRT BOY!**  
  
"I told you, it's a tunic!" Link yelled.  
  
**OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. YOU'LL NEED TO PLAY THIS SONG TO OPEN THE DOOR! **  
  
_____________________________________________  
^______________^_____________________________  
___________________________________________  
________________________________________  
______________________________________________  
  
Link pulled out his Ocarina and played the song.   
  
**GOOD JOB. SO YOU CAN'T THINK, YOU CAN PLAY A MEAN OCARINA! YOU'VE PLAYED THE "ODE TO INNOCENCE"**  
  
"Okey-Dokey!" Link said, tucking his Ocarina today.   
  
**GOOD. I'LL SEND YOU BACK TO HYRULE NOW. YOU BOTH NEED TO WORK TOGETHER AND COOPERATE TO AWAKEN THE AUTHOR SAGES AND SAVE HYRULE FROM REDUNDANCY!**  
  
"WHAT?" Link cried. "I thought you were talking to me! You mean I have to work with this little loon?"  
  
**YES.**  
  
"Dang!" he cried.  
"Aw C'mon Link! I'm a cool guy! We can talk, and play checkers, and even SING!" I cooed.   
"Hoo boy..."   
  
**I'LL SEND YOU BACK TO HYRULE NOW. REALLY THIS TIME. YOU MUST START LOOKING FOR THE TEMPLE IMMEDIATELY! AND REMEMBER, YOU MAY RUN INTO AUTHORS WHILE YOU ARE ON YOUR ADVENTURE IN HYRULE. YOU MUST REMEMBER NOT TO TELL THEM WHO THEY REALLY ARE! IT'LL MESS UP THINGS, 'K?**  
  
"O-tay!" I said cheerfully.   
  
**YOU HAVE ONLY ONE WEEK UNTIL THE ENTIRE TEN YEARS IN HYRULE RESTARTS, AND THIS TIME, PLAYING THE SONG OF TIME WILL NOT SEND YOU BACK TO TODAY! SO, YOU HAVE TO HURRY! AND I'LL TALK TO YOU AGAIN WHEN YOU AWAKEN THE FIRST SAGE!**  
  
"Thank you, Ms. Mysterious Voice!" I said.   
  
**GOOD LUCK, LINK. GOOD LUCK, LITTLE LINK. AND LINK?**  
  
"Yes?" he said grumpily.  
  
**NO DITCHING LITTLE LINK. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED HIM FOR YOUR QUEST, OK?**  
  
"Fine. Just send us back to Hyrule now, OK?"   
  
** FIIIIIINE, MR. CRANKY PANTS! BUT YOU'D BETTER SHAPE UP NEXT TIME I TALK TO YOU! I AM DESTINY! I CAN REALLY PISS YOU OFF IF I WANT TO!**  
  
The voice cleared her throat, and then said sweetly,  
  
**GOODBYE YOUNG ONES! GOOD LUCK! DESTINY IS WITH YOU!**  
  
(dreamy music)  
  
DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP!  
  
We opened our eyes, and we were back on Death Mountain.   
There was my dad, looking under a rock and screaming, "Little Link! Where are you?"  
  
"Dad!" I called.  
Daddy turned and grabbed me in a headlock. "Don't you ever hide from me again!"   
"It wasn't my fault!" I said. "Link and I are going on an important mission!"  
"Oh, I'm so proud of you, son!" Daddy cooed.  
"Hmmm..." Link said. "We need to think here... What did Destiny mean by 'spinning you'?"   
"Well, I'm a Goron," I said.   
"So?"   
"Did she mean me when she said 'you'?" I pondered.   
"That's it! She DID mean you! She meant a Goron!" Link said, snapping his fingers. "But... where is a spinning Goron?"   
"I know!" Daddy cried. "There used to be a big statue of a Goron in the city on the bottom floor! It used to spin, too!"   
"All right!" I cried. "But Destiny said, 'In the belly you will find the first Sage's young simple mind!'"   
"I get it!" Link said. "We are supposed to jump into the statue... but it's gone! The temple must still be... BELOW THE STATUE!"   
"Huh? I'm confused!" Dad said.   
"Me too!" I cried.   
"Come on! We gotta get back to Goron City, quick!" Link yelled, grabbing me by the arm.   
  
  
  
What is up with that Destiny chick? Why is she so cranky? What is the treasure of the Author Sages? Are authors really that easy to confuse? And who is the first Sage? Very weird... Stay tuned to Chapter Three...  
  
END OF THE INNOCENCE!  
  
-or-  
  
THE INNOCENCE TEMPLE MADNESS!  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. End of Innocence

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
A/N: This chapter starts the cameos, so this chapter starts the disclaimers.   
  
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY EXCEPT MYSELF, AND THE SPECIFIED AUTHORS AND PEOPLE IN THE STORY OWN THEMSELVES. I DO, HOWEVER, OWN THE EXTRA SEVEN TEMPLES, SO PLEASE ASK BEFORE YOU USE THEM!  
  
OK... Oh, and I've chosen the six author Sages already. Thank you for all of your applications, and I promise to give the people who didn't make it to Sage-hood a large cameo. Thanks!  
~GG  
  
CHAPTER THREE: End Of The Innocence -or- Innocence Temple Madness!  
  
Hiyo, me again, LL. OK, this is the chapter where things start getting really weird. Reading this chapter may cause eyebrows to raise and eyes to roll! So... yeah... great. Just read. Thank you.   
  
  
  
When we arrived at Goron City, my Dad pounded on the door.  
  
"Al, could you get that?"   
"Bob, get that please!"   
"Carl, could you please answer the door?"  
"Mike... door please..."   
"Why can't you get it, Joe?"   
  
Finally, Dad got impatient and threw the door open.   
  
Link, Dad, and me rushed downstairs to the bottom of the city. Crowded around the place where the statue once stood was a group of Gorons, all staring at something.   
"What is it?" asked Link. "What are you looking at?"   
Daddy pushed a few out of the way and looked around. "What is it, guys?"   
One of the Gorons stood up. "Big Brother, there's a weird person here on the floor!"   
  
I looked down to see a human kid! I recognized him as the author, Sikes. He wasn't acting like the Sikes I knew; he was all rolled up in a ball on the floor, chewing on a rock.   
"Sikes, what are you doing?" I asked.   
Sikes sat up and let out a moan. "Hmmmm? Who is Sikes?" he asked. "Me no know no Sikes... Me is Fred the Goron!"   
Link raised an eyebrow. "Um... dude, you better stop chewing on that rock. You're going to knock out your teeth!"   
Sikes paid no attention, he just flopped over on his back. "WHOOPS! TROUBLE! GOTTA GO!"   
He rolled up into a ball and tried to start rolling along the floor.   
  
Dad scratched his head. "Well THAT was weird."   
Link sighed and pushed Sikes or "Fred" out of the way.   
There on the floor was a large circle where the base of the statue had been.   
"Now how to open it?" Link thought out loud. "Hmmm..."   
"The song?" I suggested. "The um... "Something to Something...?"   
"The Ode To Innocence. Of course," Link said. He pulled out his shiny blue Ocarina. All of the Gorons (and myself) became fixated on the shiny blueness.   
Link played out the notes of the song that I had forgotten.   
  
Suddenly, the floor began to rumble, and the circle lowered into the floor and slid to the right, leaving a portal open in the floor.   
"Well whaddya know?" I said, peeking down into the hole.   
"Is that what she meant?" Link inquired. "Hmmm... Well, nowhere else to go but inside. You first, Little Link."   
"MEEEEE?!" I cried. "But... I'm afraid of the dark!"   
Dad patted Link on the back, knocking him over. "Come on, Brother! You're the big strong hero dude! You go in first, and you can help Little Link when you get in there."   
Link stood up and dusted himself off.   
"OK, fine. Coming in."   
He pulled out a small weird-looking handle with a chain and a hook attached, and pointed it at the wood platform that hung over the city. The hook flew out, and stuck to the wood. Then, Link jumped over the hole, and the chain got longer, lowering him into the hole.   
"Come on, LL!" Link sighed. "If you're coming, let's go!"   
  
"Er... whaddya mean?" I asked.   
"Come on, come over and I'll grab you and lower you into the hole!"   
"Um... OK..." I said.   
I walked over to the hole, and Link held out his hand. "Come on, I don't bite."   
"I'm pretty heavy!" I warned.   
"I'm pretty strong. Just come on!"   
I shrugged and jumped onto his lap.   
"AAAAAGGGH!" he yelled, and he dropped the chain and hook. We both tumbled down into the hole.   
  
CRASH!  
"OWWWWWWWWHOOOHOOHOOOOO!" Link whined. I couldn't see him, but I could hear him.   
"Sorry," I said.   
"How much DO you weigh? THREE TONS?"   
"600 pounds," I replied.   
"JEEEZ! Never do that again, OK?" he said.  
"Um... where are we?"   
"Never mind that! I gotta find my Hookshot!" Link snapped. I felt him crash his head into my back. "OUCH! Oh, here it is!"   
"I'm scared!" I whimpered.   
"Don't be. It's just the dark. We gotta find a light!"   
A few seconds later, a flicker appeared across the area from me, and I saw Link holding a lit candle. "Aha! I knew this was a good investment!"   
We appeared to be in a long, dark tunnel. A tiny light was shining from the opposite end of the tunnel.   
"Nowhere else to go," Link said, like he had a few minutes ago.   
We walked down the tunnel, and finally, we crashed into a wall near the source of the light.   
"Hey, a door!" I said.   
"Where's the handle?" Link said to no one in particular. "Oh, here."   
He turned the handle and opened the door.   
"WOW!" we both yelled.  
  
We were in a huge room, with amazing Technicolor walls and a large marble staircase leading up to another door. A large smiley face symbol was up above the door. An inscription above the smiley face caught Link's attention.   
"It says... 'Innocence Temple'!"   
I was caught on the gorgeous colors. "WOOOOOOOWWWWWWEEEEE! PRETTY COLORS! YAHHOOOOOO!"   
"Down boy," Link said, rolling his eyes. "I suppose we'd better go through that door."  
We walked up the stairs, but as soon as we were one step away from the top, the staircase made a KLUNK noise, and flattened into a slide.   
"AAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I cried as we flew downwards.   
A trapdoor opened up below the door we had entered through, and we slid all the way DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!   
  
We landed on a large, soft surface.   
"OOOF!" Link yelped.   
"It's like a huge pillow!" I said.   
In fact, the entire room's floor was this weird green jello-like substance. At the far end of the room was yet another door on a high platform.   
"We'd better go over there!" Link said.   
"How?" I asked. "I can't walk without sinking!"   
"Hmmmmm..." Link pondered. "Give me a second."   
He tried to stand up, but when he took a step forward, he went flying. The Jello had sunk, and one step had snapped it like a catapult.   
"WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he cried. He flew all the way over to the other side of the room, and sunk down into the jello up to his neck.   
"LL! I'm STUCK!" he screamed.   
"I'm coming!" I said.   
I tried to stand up and walk, but I should have known better. I weighed 600 pounds.   
I began to sink into the jello until I was about knee deep.   
"Uh... I CAN'T WALK!" I shouted to Link.  
"THIS JELLO IS EATING ME!" he replied sounding a bit more urgent.  
"It's eating me too!" I cried. "Hmmm... what did GG always tell me to do if I ever met killer food? 'Eat it before it eats you,'"  
"GG told you that?" Link asked.  
"Yep. She's fought more evil food items as a superhero than I can count!"  
"Um... LL, you can only count to six."   
"Oh yeah... Anyway, here I come!"   
I leaned over and took a big bite of the jello. It began to wiggle, and I spat it out.   
"Oh yuck! It's got that weird tough jello skin on it!" I whined, spitting it out.   
"Who cares? LL, you've got to hurry! I'm sinking really fast now!" Link said.   
"Why don't YOU eat it?" I said. "I've eaten more tough jello skin than I'd like to admit in my life, but just because GG can't make jello very well..."  
I could hear Link sigh from across the room. "Fine."   
It was quiet for a second.   
"PATOOIE! GROSS! What is that stuff? It's like rubber!" Link griped.   
"Man hath known no evil like tough jello skin..." I murmured.   
"We gotta eat it anyway, I suppose," Link said. "Or else, I'll be underneath this jello really soon!"  
I took another bite. "Mmmmmm... lime flavored!"  
Link bit off a chunk. "Hmm... under the skin it's not bad... OOOH! It's the kind with little pineapple chunks!"   
  
To make a long story short, we eventually ate enough jello to carve a path through it over to the door.   
"And now, we just hookshot over!" Link said. He carefully aimed the little springy hooky thingy at a beam over the door, and he was instantly pulled out of the jello and up onto the platform.   
"Here LL, you can get yourself out!" Link said. He tossed down the little springy hooky thingy, and I caught it.   
"Hey, how do ya work this thing?" I asked. "OOOOH! A LASER!"   
"Watch where you're pointing that thing!" Link shouted.   
"OOOO! What does THIS button do?" I cooed. I did what any Goron would do: Push the button.  
"YIPES!" I shrieked, as I flew through the air.   
  
SPLAT!  
  
"Ow! Could you please not land on me anymore?" Link snapped.   
"Sorry!" I said. "Oh, you want your little springy hooky thingy back?"  
  
In the next room there were at least ten large treasure chests in a large smiley face circle on the ground.   
"Ah. Maps and stuff, I guess," Link said. He walked up to a treasure chest and got ready to click it open.  
"Uh, Link? Shouldn't you check and make sure the chest isn't rigged?" I asked.   
"LL, I'm not stupid. There's nothing in here. It's..."  
He opened the chest, and a spring holding a coconut cream pie sprung out of the box and hit Link in the face.   
"HEY!" he shouted.   
I burst out laughing and fell over on the ground. That was the FUNNIEST thing I've ever seen!  
He scowled and wiped coconut off of his face. "That wasn't funny."   
"YES IT WAS!" I cried between giggles.   
Link shook his head and moved onto the next one. "OK, this time I'm gonna check and see first!"   
He pulled a small purple lens out of his pocket and held it up to his eye.   
"Nope, no pies," he said. Link reached down, opened the chest, and...  
A coconut cream pie sprung out and hit him in the face.   
I fell over laughing again, and he screamed in anger. "WHYYYYY?"  
He ran over to the next one. "OK, there's no chance that there's another..."  
SPLAT!  
  
Three pies and three cuss words later, Link opened a chest that didn't explode with cream filling and coco-nutty goodness.   
"Hey, a map!" he said.   
  
LINK AND LITTLE LINK FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! NOW THEY CAN FIND THEIR WAY AROUND THE INNOCENCE TEMPLE! UNFORTUNATELY, LL CAN'T READ, SO I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH HELP IT'LL BE!  
  
I decided to try my luck with the other chests. I opened the first one.   
A coconut cream pie shot out of the chest, but I was so short, it missed me completely and hit Link in the back of the head across the room.   
"Oopsie..." I said.   
"GRRRR! That's it, I'm opening the last one!" he said, shoving me out of the way.   
He opened it, and a really big pie flew out.   
  
SPLAT!  
  
He sighed and turned around to wipe off his face. But I saw something in the chest, so I opened it up.  
  
LINK AND LITTLE LINK FOUND THE COMPASS! NOW THEY CAN SEE THE LOCATIONS OF MANY HIDDEN ITEMS IN THE DUNGEON! WELL... IT ALSO MAKES A USEFUL THROWING PROJECTILE WEAPON IN A PINCH!  
  
"Hey, good job!" Link said. "Now we can go through that door on the other side!"  
Link got ready to turn the doorknob and...  
  
The floor opened up and we tumbled down a chute onto a huge, huge, HUGE spiral slide!   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" Link screamed from in front of me.  
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed.   
  
I looked around, and saw that the walls were bright and Technicolor like the first room of the temple. Link was too busy shutting his eyes and shrieking to see it.   
After a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG fall, we flew off of a ramp and landed on another large fluffy surface.   
  
"OOF!" I grunted.   
"No jello mommy, please!" Link mumbled from his face down position on the floor.   
"Link, we're on a pillow this time," I said.   
"Huh? Oh. Hey look another chest!" Link said, sitting up and pointing to a lovely Technicolor treasure chest by the wall.   
"You can open it," Link said. He still smelled like coconut.   
I tiptoed across the floor and snapped open the lock on the chest, and...  
I pulled out a thin paper mask. It was large and circular, and it ended up having a yellow smiley face like the ones we had seen all over the temple.   
  
LINK AND LITTLE LINK FOUND THE INNOCENCE MASK! THIS MASK HAS A LARGE, INNOCENT FACE. IF YOU WEAR IT, PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU INNOCENT OF ANYTHING THAT ANYONE COULD ACCUSE YOU OFF! IT CHANGES TO LOOK LIKE THE USER'S FACE, BUT ONLY MORE INNOCENT. WELL, THIS EXPLANATION WAS PRETTY REDUNDANT...  
  
"Hey, cool!" I said. "I wanna put it on!"   
"No, don't!" Link shouted. But I had already slipped the mask on my big head.  
I turned around.   
"LL, didn't I- AWWWWWWWW! You are so cute! Look at you! That's so sweet! Look at those cute little eyes of yours! And those little teeth... AWWWW!" Link cooed.   
"Come on, let's go back through that door there," I said.   
"Anything you say, you cute lil' thing!"   
  
We found ourselves back in the main room.   
"Oh no..." Link whined.   
"Look!" I cried in a high pitched voice.   
I saw Link shudder for some reason, and I pointed over to the stairs. "There's another stairway over there on the side!"  
Link pulled out the purple lens and looked through it to the stairs. "Hey, there's no trap door over there near those stairs!" he said.   
We quickly raced up the stairs and Link tested the door.   
"It's unlocked!" he said. "You cute little button!"   
"Stop it," I moaned.   
He turned the doorknob and we both went through.   
  
This room was a huge, wide-open one, with Technicolor walls again.   
"What's in here?" Link asked.   
"I don't know..." I said. "Hey, you know what's funny?"   
"What?" Link whined.   
"Everything in this temple has been things that I've always wanted!" I told him. "I've always wanted a room full of jello, and a bunch of coconut cream pie treasure chests, and a giant slide..."   
Link gasped. "You're serious?"   
"Yeah!" I said.   
Link began to think, and then he snapped his fingers. "Destiny said that 'Inside the belly you will find the first Sage's young simple mind!'"  
"Yeah, so?" I said.   
"Then that means..."  
Suddenly, an ominous rumbling filled the room.   
"WHAT IS THAT?" I cried.   
"I don't... AAAAAGGGGGGGGGH!" Link screamed.   
  
A huge silvery blob fell off of the ceiling and hit the floor. It wiggled and stood erect, then two blazing red eyes appeared in the blob.   
  
MENTALIA: FEAR SENSING SHAPESHIFTING BLOB  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"   
  
I gasped and fell over in a faint.   
"LL! WAKE UP! LITTLE BUDDY! YOU OK?"   
Suddenly, I saw a tiny purple glow flash past my line of vision.   
"What is that?" I cried.   
Then, a tiny voice spoke up. "That is 'MENTALITIA!' It can sense fear, and it changes to whatever its victims are most afraid of!"   
Link snapped his head back. "WHO? Who are you?"  
A tiny fairy flew in front of me. She didn't look like most fairies though: she had a body, and a tiny purple dress. She even held a little magic wand.   
"That's the author Princess of the Pixies! She shrunk herself!" I cried.   
"SSSH!" Link said. "Don't say anything!"   
Princess of the Pixies laughed and made a little curtsy. "I am Yumi the fairy! I'm here to be your guardian fairy, Link!"   
"No offense Yumi but 1. I don't think now is a real appropriate time for this and 2. I'M 20 YEARS OLD!"  
"Not you, spaz!" Princess... uh, Yumi said. "The other Link!"   
"Oh, hi!" I said. "I've always wanted a guardian fairy, but... WHAT is that thing gonna do?"  
"In a few seconds it's gonna transform!" Princess- Yumi said.  
  
Sure enough, the thing began to shake.   
"HOLY PURPLE WASHING MACHINES! What are you most afraid of, Link?" Princess... Er, Yumi said.   
"Well, that'd be..."   
  
Suddenly, the blob transformed into a huge, 50 foot tall, shiny... vicious...  
  
WINDMILL GUY FROM KAKARIKO VILLAGE!  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I screamed.   
"GO AROUND! GO AROUND!" it screamed.   
"You're most afraid of THAT?" Yumi cried.   
"I am too!" Link shouted.   
"WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?" I shrieked.   
"I know!" Link cried. He pulled the compass out of his pocket, and flung it at the Windmill Guy. It beaned him in the head, and he fell over.   
"Well THAT was easy!" Princess... Uh, Yumi said.   
Suddenly, the Windmill Guy jumped back up and started cranking the handle on its music box.   
I held my ears. "OWWW! MAKE IT STOP!"   
Link shrugged and unplugged his ears long enough to fire an arrow at the left hand. Then the right hand. The Windmill Guy shrieked, and began stomping on the floor.   
"STOP IT!" Link yelled, firing an arrow at each foot.   
Finally, the Windmill Guy howled in pain and fell over. He began flailing and screaming.   
"GO AROUND! GO AROUND!" he cried.   
"Aim for the head! Aim for his shiny bald head!" Yumi cried, zooming around.   
  
I ran out towards the Windmill Guy, and Link yelled out, "NO LL! Let me do it!"   
"NO!" I cried. "I want that thing dead!"   
I pulled a small rock out of my pocket that I had been keeping for an emergency and started banging the Windmill Guy on the head.   
He yelped in pain and leaped onto his feet. Then, he started cranking the music box hard.   
"This isn't working!" I screamed as I rolled back over to Link's side.   
"They say that only an Innocent heart can stop the pursuit of fear!" Yumi said wisely.   
"Where have I heard that before?" I asked myself.   
"LL! THE MASK!" Link screamed.   
"What?"   
"Try out your mask!" Link suggested.   
  
"Um... I don't wanna get close to it again!" I wailed. "I'm scared!"   
"Little Link! MENTALIA can sense your fear! You have to suck it up and face your fears! You hafta kill it with the mask!" Yumi cried.   
I gulped. "My girlfriend and my daddy are the only ones who can make me not scared..."   
"They're not here right now!" Link said urgently. "LL! You have to do this!"   
"Well... OK!" I said. I stepped forward. My legs were shaking.   
  
The evil Windmill Guy stared down at me and growled. I stepped forward again.   
  
"LL... I know you can do it if you be brave!"   
  
GG? Where was she?  
  
I turned around and realized that it was Link speaking in a high voice.   
  
"You can't scare me!" I yelled to the Windmill Guy. I stared straight at his face with my Innocence Mask, and he suddenly fell back.   
  
"FACE... SO... INNOCENT! MUST... NOT... WEAKEN! GORON... NOT... INNOCENT! AAAAAGGGGH!" the Windmill Guy screamed. Then, he faltered, and fell backwards to the ground.   
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- SPLAT!"  
  
The Windmill Guy turned back into a blob, and the blob fell to the ground and exploded.   
  
  
"Wow... that was easier than I thought!" Link said.   
Prin- Uh, Yumi flew over to me and zoomed around my head. "WOW! LL, that was GREAT! How do you feel?"   
"KOOKY MOOKY SPOOKY POOKY WOOKY SHMOOKY!" I muttered. Then I fell over in a dead faint.   
  
  
  
**LITTLE LINK! LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS, WAKE UP!**  
  
"Huh?" I mumbled. I opened my eyes. We were in the Chamber of Sages again.   
  
**IT'S ABOUT TIME! JEEZ, YOU WERE OUT LIKE A LIGHT.**  
  
"Oh hi Destiny... how are you?" I said.   
"LL, are you OK?" Link asked, sounding genuinely concerned.   
"YEAH!" Yumi laughed. "You've been unconscious for at least fifteen minutes!"   
I grinned.   
  
**GOOD JOB, YOU TWO. YOU'VE FOUND THE LOST INNOCENCE TEMPLE, AND NOW YOU'VE DEFEATED THE IMPURE EVIL THAT WAS KEEPING THE INNOCENCE SAGE FROM BEING AWAKENED. CONGRATS, GOOD JOB, YADDA, YADDA.**  
  
"Who is the Innocence Sage?" asked Link.   
  
**YOU IDIOT. I THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT A LONG TIME AGO! THE INNOCENCE SAGE IS...**  
  
"Is..." Link continued.   
"Is..." I continued.  
  
**THE INNOCENCE SAGE IS...**  
  
"WILL YOU JUST TELL US?"   
  
**I'M DESTINY, DON'T YOU RUSH ME! THE INNOCENCE SAGE IS... YOU, LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS!**  
  
I gasped. "ME??!?!?!"  
  
**NO, THE OTHER LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS.**  
  
"Oh. PHEW!" I said.   
  
**YOU FOOL! THERE ARE NO OTHER LITTLE LINKS OF THE GORONS. YOU ARE THE INNOCENCE SAGE.**  
  
"I'm a Sage?" I said. "WOW! I can't believe it! I'm an important person just like Daddy!"  
  
**WELL, NOT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR DAD. BUT JUST ABOUT AS IMPORTANT!**  
  
"YAY!" I cheered.   
"Wait," Link interrupted. "If he's the Innocence Sage, where's his medallion?"   
  
**WHAT MEDALLION?**  
  
"Each Sage gives the Hero of Time a medallion," Link said, as though stating the obvious.  
"But... I want my medallion!" I whined. "I want it! I don't wanna give it to you!"  
  
**OH, THAT MEDALLION. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GIVE IT TO YOU, MR. HERO.**  
  
"Aw," Link sighed.   
Yumi buzzed around my head. "But where is LL's medallion anyway? Doesn't he get it?"   
  
**COMING RIGHT DOWN.**  
  
A small yellowish orange medallion on a black string necklace tumbled down from the ceiling, and I caught it.   
  
(triumphant music)  
  
LINK AND LITTLE LINK RECEIVED THE INNOCENCE MEDALLION! LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS AWAKENS AS THE SAGE OF INNOCENCE AND KEEPS HIS POWER FOR HIMSELF. SORRY LINK, BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING. OH, AND THIS MEDALLION IS REALLY IMPORTANT FOR LL HIMSELF...  
  
"It's pretty!" I said, admiring the cute smiley face symbol carved on the medallion.   
  
**THIS MEDALLION IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL, LL. IN FACT, YOU NEED TO FIND OUT ITS POWER SOON... ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW. ITS POWER WILL HELP YOU AND LINK FIND THE SIX AUTHOR SAGES AND SAVE THE WORLD FROM REDUNDANCY.**  
  
"Cool," I said. "What do I do to use it?"  
  
**LL... TO USE THE POWER OF THE INNOCENCE MEDALLION, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS HOLD THE MEDALLION UP IN THE AIR, SAY, "INNOCENCE SAGE MEDALLION, TRANSFORM!" AND THE MEDALLION WILL DO THE REST.**  
  
"AWESOME!" I cheered.   
Princess... Sorry, YUMI flew in front of my face and cried out, "LL! Try it out! See what the secret of the Innocence Medallion is!"   
Link sighed. "Sure what the hey? Let's see it."  
  
**GO AHEAD, LL. TRY IT**  
  
I shrugged, and held the medallion up above my head.   
  
"INNOCENCE SAGE MEDALLION POWER!" I cried.   
  
Suddenly, the medallion began to glow yellowish orange. I let out a little cry as the light spread and engulfed everything. I seemed to lose consciousness for a second, and I couldn't tell exactly where I was.   
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
When I regained my senses, I noticed that everything felt different.   
I heard a collective gasp from Link and Pri- YUMI!   
"L-l-l-little Link?" Link stuttered.   
"HOLY CRAP!" Yumi cried.   
"What? What happened?" I asked.   
Link reached back and un-strapped his Mirror shield from his back.   
"See for yourself..." he said quietly.   
  
I looked in the shield and screamed in terror.   
  
What was wrong with me? My skin had changed from tan and rough to a pinkish color... and soft! Very soft!   
My eyes had lost their beadiness and had turned red. They looked like Link's, but red!   
My hair had grown from a tiny tuft on my head to an entire head of soft, wild, tawny brown hair.   
I noticed a strange feeling on my back. I looked down to see clothes! A red tunic like Link's... and brown pants with black boots!  
And my face! My beard was gone, and my face was no longer flat! Round, gentle, and very handsome... it's what GG would have referred to as... "Hot and Gorgeous".   
  
"OHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GODDESS!" I screamed. "I'M A HUMAN!"   
  
  
  
Well THIS is an interesting turn of events! What exactly DOES the Innocence Medallion do? Who is this incredibly hot human that our favorite little Goron has turned into? Who are the Six Author Sages? We still don't know who this Destiny person is! And what is up with Princess of the Pixies to make her think she's a fairy?   
  
Find out in the next episode of the Sage of Innocence Saga, entitled...  
  
DOSEKI MUSHA: GORON/HUMAN WARRIOR OF STONE!  
  
-OR-   
  
"WHERE OH WHERE HAS OUR LITTLE LINK GONE?"  



	4. Doseki Musha: Warrior of Stone!

Sage of Innocence Saga -OR- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors   
By Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER FOUR:   
  
Doseki Musha: WARRIOR OF STONE!   
  
-Or-   
  
"Oh Where Oh Where Has Our Little Link Gone?"   
  
DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters in this fic. Zelda and all related shtuff is property of Nintendo of America. All the cameo authors own themselves, and I own me. All rights reserved. Offer void in Utah.   
  
  
  
All right, it's me again. LL. Just to let you know, no Gorons or authors were harmed in the making of this fic. But it is gonna start getting weird soon, so brace up! Oh wait... it can't really get much weirder, can it?   
  
  
  
"Hey, lookin' good, LL!" Link said, admiring my new body.   
"ROCKS! ROCKS! ROCKS!" I shrieked.   
"What's wrong?" Yumi asked. "You look good!"   
"WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT IS WRONG? I AM PINK!" I screamed. "I AM SOFT! I AM TALL! I AM A PERSON!"   
  
**WOW... I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN!**   
  
"OH DESTINY!" I yelled. "PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO FIX THIS!"   
  
**WELL LL, LET ME GET IN THE IMPORTANT PART FIRST. NOW THAT YOU'VE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE INNOCENCE MEDALLION, I CAN GIVE YOU THE LOCATION OF THE FIRST AUTHOR SAGE TEMPLE.**   
  
"Sorry," I said. "BUT I THINK THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE IMMEDIATE!"   
  
**OH, HUSH UP. THIS IS THE LOCATION OF THE FIRST TEMPLE:   
  
THE PLACE WHERE SHADOWS REST AND PLAY   
CLOSE TO HOME BUT FAR AWAY   
WHERE LIGHT IS BORN AND STARS ARE MADE   
SECRETS BEHIND A BLUE CASCADE **   
  
"Hmm..." Link said, scratching his head. "I'll remember that!"   
"Could you tell me how to fix it now?" I begged.   
  
**LL, THAT FORM IS GOING TO BE AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOU AND LINK'S JOURNEY! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE IT EVENTUALLY. IT'S EASIER TO GET AROUND AS A HUMAN.**   
  
"Well I'll remember that for when I DO need this form!" I said. "Please, just tell me!"   
  
**WELL THAT'S CERTAINLY EASY! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS...**   
  
Suddenly, I heard the voice fizzle out.   
"Is what?" Link called. "What does he have to do?"   
Then, a new voice came out of nowhere.   
  
BEEEEEP!   
  
**HI, YOU'VE REACHED DESTINY. I CAN'T COMMUNICATE TELEPATHICALLY RIGHT NOW, SO PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE TONE AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. OH, REALLY? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, MAKE ME CALL? HEH HEH HEH... WHATEVER. LEAVE YOUR NAME AT THE TONE. **   
  
BEEEEEEEEEEP!   
  
I looked at Link and burst out screaming again.   
"OH JEEZ! OH JEEZ! I'M GONNA BE STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER!" I wailed.   
"Calm down!" Link said. "I'm sure we can figure it out!"   
A blue light swirled around the three of us, and we began to float in the air. Then everything went black and the light faded.   
  
We were on Death Mountain, right outside of Goron City.   
When we landed, Link tapped his boot on the solid ground. "I hate floating," he said.   
I took a step forward and slipped on a pebble, falling right on my face.   
"OWIEEE!" I cried.   
"LL, you gotta take it slow, 'K?" Yumi said. "You don't have your Goron foot traction anymore. It's gonna be a little bit tougher walking on land."   
I stood up and noticed the Innocence Medallion, the thing that got me in this mess in the first place, handing off of my neck on the string.   
"Well..." Link pondered. "I guess we hafta wait until Destiny calls again before we can change you back."   
"But Destiny only talks in the Chamber of Sages!" I cried. "We gotta get back there!"   
"Then we have to find the next temple," Yumi said, as if stating the obvious.   
"Yo LL, what is with your voice?" asked Link.   
"Whaddya mean?" I said. "I sound normal, right?"   
"Well sorta," Yumi said. "You have the same little kid voice, but you have sort of an accent. It sounds... like a hockey player!"   
"A Canadian accent," Link corrected.   
"Oh great," I whined. "THAT makes me feel better."   
"And you look a little younger than Link... maybe... 13 or 14?" Yumi commented.   
"I'm 14 in Goron years," I said. "Why can't anyone remember that?"   
"Come on, let's go," Link said, turning back towards the gate to my home city.   
"No way!" I yelled. "I can't show my face in there! I don't wanna go!"   
"Don't you wanna tell your dad you're OK?" Yumi queried.   
"Well yeah, but..."   
"Fine, I'll call Darunia up on Ocarina later. Let's start thinking about that clue," Link suggested.   
"Anything to get my mind off of this!" I said.   
Link motioned to the lower path that went down the mountain to Kakariko Village. I took a step forward and fell over again.   
"This is gonna take some getting used to," I said from my position facedown on the floor.   
  
We had almost reached the bottom of the mountain trail, when Link said, "Ya know LL, we'd better think up another name to call you while you're in that body,"   
"Why? I like my name," I said.   
"Well yeah, but people all know who Little Link is. They'll get freaked out, ya know?"   
"Fine," I said. "What should my name be?"   
"How about... Doseki?" Yumi suggested.   
"Where did you get that?" Link asked.   
"Uh, I don't know. It's just kinda cute!" Yumi said.   
"I like it!" I said. "It is cute."   
"Doseki... yeah, I guess!" Link admitted.   
"Doseki Musha!" I said.   
"Musha?"   
"Musha?"   
"Musha. Like Mushy, but Musha!" I laughed. "I'm not tough anymore, now my skin is all mushy. Or Musha!"   
"Yeah, whatever LL... I mean, Doseki." Link said, rolling his eyes.   
  
(A/N: Thanks to Cerena Montanyu for using her Japanese/English dictionary to provide a name for LL. Doseki Musha = "Stone Warrior" in Japanese.)   
  
"Man, I am so stressed out!" I said. I reached down and picked up a rock off of the ground. "I need a bite to eat,"   
"No LL!" Link cried. "You..."   
CRUNCH!   
"OWWWWW!"   
"You can't eat rocks now!" Link told me.   
"Ya colda sed somting earlier!" I mumbled. "That hurt! What happened to my teeth?"   
"You're a person now Doseki! You can't eat rocks, silly!" Yumi laughed. "You gotta eat food."   
"But I hate food!" I whined. "I only eat food if it has rocks on it! And even then, I only eat ice cream!"   
"Sorry L- Doseki, you gotta get used to it!" Link said.   
I sighed. "I miss GG... I miss my old self, too."   
"Well, let's go ask some people in the village what Destiny could mean by her clue," Link suggested.   
"Fine," I said. "As long as we find it soon."   
"Let's think now!" Link said. "'A Blue Cascade' must mean a waterfall. Where is there a waterfall?"   
"Not just any waterfall!" I added. "It's gotta be 'close to home but far away'!"   
"And what does THAT mean?" Link whined as we passed through the gate leading into Kakariko Village.   
"It might mean... OH MY GODDESS!"   
  
We surveyed the village around us. The normal citizens of Kakariko were looking around in confused disarray at a group of people running around through the village.   
  
All of them were authors. I saw Female Mikau arguing with Dekugirl over the price of a fish that she was selling Dekugirl.   
Zelda in a Crystal was calling for customers at her own do-it-yourself potion stand, while Granny from the hidden potion shop was yelling at her for infringing on copyright.   
Ryo-chan was frantically racing about, searching for any male Gerudos that might be in the premises. She shrieked for joy and tackled the carpenter boss when she saw that he was laughing evilly for some reason or another.   
And we heard angry screaming and cursing just around the corner from the regular potion shop.   
  
"I hate to ask," Link said as he surveyed the madness.   
Misty Dawn came running by wearing a Bunny Hood. "I AM THE RUNNING GIRL!" she screamed, and she began sniffing the wind like a rabbit and nibbling on some grass.   
"Hoo boy..." I said.   
"Hey, what's wrong?" Yumi asked. "Everything looks normal to me!"   
I just remembered that she was really the Princess of the Pixies, the author.   
We stepped just past the potion shop, and we heard a familiar song playing.   
"It's... AAAAAAAAAGGGGH!" I screamed.   
  
Matio64 came racing out from behind the potion shop, holding a small music box that played the "Song of Storms" and cranking the handle, while singing, "GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"   
And if that wasn't weird enough, the REAL Windmill guy was running after him, screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY MUSIC BOX! GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"   
  
"This day just keeps getting better and better!" I said.   
"Really," Link added. "Come on, let's go somewhere quiet so we can think."   
"No where is quieter than the graveyard!" Yumi said.   
"Sure, whatever." Link said.   
"NU UH! I hate graveyards!" I wailed.   
"Oh come on L- Doseki!" Link moaned. "You DO wanna be normal again, right?"   
"Right. Just as long as it doesn't involve a graveyard!"   
"Come on!" he said, grabbing me by the ear.   
"OW! OW! OW! HEY, LEGGO!"   
I had never missed having no ears until now.   
  
In the graveyard, I shuddered at the invisible chill in the air. Link sat on a tombstone to think.   
"'Close to home but far away...'" he pondered. "And where IS home?"   
"Goron City," I said simply.   
"But how can it be close AND far?" Yumi piped up.   
"Also, a waterfall can't happen without a river!" I said.   
"And there are no rivers near Goron City!" Link said. "This doesn't make any sense!"   
"Only..." I started.   
"Only what?" Link and Yumi cried.   
"You know that big chasm near the gate to Goron City?" I asked.   
"Uh huh? What about it?" Link said. "This could be important!"   
"Well, Goron legend says that there used to be a huge river at the bottom of it. It was called the 'River of Stars' because when it was nighttime, you could see all the stars in the sky in the river. The Gorons used to use it for drinking. But when the Sheikah built Kakariko Village, they drained some of the water to dig a well in the village!"   
"LL! Er, DOSEKI! THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT!" Link yelled, jumping off of the tombstone.   
"It is?" I asked. "Wow, really?"   
"YES! It IS important!" Link said. "This means that the temple must be near that chasm... above the old riverbed."   
Yumi zoomed around. "YEAH! YEAH!"   
"That makes two of the clues true! 'Where stars are made' and 'Blue cascade'!" Link said. "Good job, Doseki!"   
I grinned. "YAY! I THOUGHT GOOD!"   
"But how will we get there?" Yumi asked.   
"Hmm... that'll take some work!" Link said.   
"But we can..." I started.   
Suddenly, we fell silent when we heard a voice speaking from the graveyard path from the village.   
  
"That creep! I just got here, and he's already making me work like a dog!"   
  
I gasped. That voice sounded really, REALLY familiar!   
  
"Jerk. I hope no one buys any of his crappy weapons!"   
  
A girl about 14 with long brown braided hair and blazing green eyes appeared on the path. She was carrying a large pack, with a variety of knives and weapons strapped to it.   
  
"LINK!" I screamed as we ducked behind the graves.   
"Hush!" he yelled. "She's gonna see us!"   
"LIIIINK!" I screamed again.   
"What, LL... I mean, Doseki, WHAT?"   
"That's Galaxy Girl!" I cried.   
  
Well at least it LOOKED like GG. She was wearing a tattered white dress, and I could still see fragments of her blue headband handing from her hair.   
She had heard my yelling, and GG was now looking around suspiciously. "Hello? Is anyone out there?"   
"Be quiet!" Link hissed.   
"Are you there?" she asked to no one. GG pulled a large knife out of her backpack. "I'm coming... I'm coming! I'm armed and I'm coming!"   
Yumi flew out of my pocket. "She's calling for us!"   
The tiny deranged author flew out from behind the grave and started waving.   
"HEY LADY! WE'RE RIGHT HERE!"   
"AAAAAAAAACK!" screamed GG.   
"AAAAAAAAACK!" screamed Yumi.   
"AAAAAAAAACK!" screamed Link.   
"AAAAAAAAACK!" I screamed.   
"WHO ARE YOU?" GG yelled.   
  
I popped out from behind the tombstone. "It's OK, it's OK! We come in peace!"   
She stepped back and held up the knife. "I AM ARMED, I TELL YOU! ARMED!"   
"We do come in peace. We're OK, calm down!" Link said, standing up.   
GG looked at us strangely. "Who are you two?"   
"I'm Yumi!" Princess of the Pixies said. "I'm his guardian fairy!" she was pointing to me.   
"I'm Link," said Link.   
"And I'm Doseki," I said. It took all I had not to say Little Link.   
"Oh, sorry. I'm a little jumpy, that's all. My name's Fianna!" GG said. "I work for the man who owns the Bazaar. I travel around, and sell weapons and stuff. HEY, YA WANT ONE?"   
"I DO! I DO!" Yumi cried.   
"Ignore her," Link whispered.   
"I want one!" I said.   
GG raised and eyebrow and frowned. "Ya know what's funny? I swear... I've met you before! Your voice... it sounds so familiar!"   
"Oh, I just got one of those voices!" I said quickly.   
"Oh. Well, what do you want?" she asked. She unfolded a backpack and out popped more sharp objects and weapons than I had ever seen.   
"OOH... what's that?" I asked, pointing to a large sword.   
"That's our latest style. It's called the Huckleberry Bushwhacker." GG said, grinning. "Only 400 Rupees!"   
Link's eyes popped open. "Uh, L- Er, Doseki, we don't got that much."   
"Oh, OK." GG said, packing it up. "I would prefer you didn't buy stuff from that dweeb anyway."   
"Why not?" I asked.   
"Well... he's just a big dumb musclehead. Not really good for anything but brute strength. No intelligence at all!" GG explained.   
I gulped. Was it just me, or did she just describe ME!?   
GG eyed me gently. "Well, from what I've seen, you guys are pretty nice. I think I'll give you a discount!"   
"YAY!" I cheered.   
GG giggled, and laughed, "Hey, you giggle like a little kid!"   
I blushed, and Link burst out laughing.   
  
"All right, which one of these do you want?" GG said, pointing to all of the knives.   
She folded back a flap of cloth, and I gasped to see her Galaxy star wand there in the backpack.   
"What is THAT?" I asked.   
"Oh, this is something I found lying on the ground. I think I'll be able to get a good price for it!" she chuckled.   
"Um, I'll take it!" I said quickly. If GG ever DID get back her memory, she would be needing that.   
"How about 50 R for it?" suggested GG.   
"Sure! Yeah!" I said. Link sighed and shelled out a purple Rupee.   
"Thank you!" GG said, and she tucked it in her pocket.   
I picked up the wand and put it away before she could go pawn it, or something.   
"I'd suggest this one for a weapon," GG said, holding up a small double sided sword with a handle in the center. "It's the Little Giant. Good for small people, like you and me."   
I took the sword and eyed it. "COOL!"   
Link sighed and shelled out another 50 R.   
"Thank you!" I said.   
"No, thank YOU!" GG said.   
GG looked down at a timepiece on the backpack and said, "Wow, it's almost dark. Why don't you two..."   
"AND MEEEEE! AND MEEEEEE!" Princess P- Yumi said.   
"... You THREE stay with me tonight?"   
"A warm bed? GREAT!" Link said.   
"Bed? No, I sleep up on the hill by the Windmill."   
"Aw MAN!" Link whined.   
  
THAT NIGHT...   
  
It was late. The campfire was just starting to fade, and I was wide awake. I couldn't sleep in this uncomfortable position on my back. I needed to roll up in a ball and sleep on my face.   
I tossed and turned and sat up. GG, or Fianna, slept right to my left, and Link was crashed on the right. Princess of the Pixies... er, Yumi was asleep in Link's hat, which he had removed for once.   
"Man, this is uncomfortable!" I whined softly.   
I was hungry, too. The stuff that Link had cooked for dinner... I think he called it "soup" was so disgusting, I couldn't stand to eat it.   
After the others had eaten, I tried to sprinkle some pebbles in the soup, but I found I STILL couldn't eat. Stupid human teeth... it was annoying.   
I stood up. The sky was pitch black, and the stars shined down like tiny little dots in the sky. (OK, I'm not very good with descriptions)   
The full moon was right above us. It was too bright! I was too hungry! I couldn't sleep on my back!   
All I wanted to do was go home... to Goron City! To my nice, dark, quiet room... with the posters of the Indigo-gos and the Rockheads on the wall and my rock collection.   
And when I got there, I would eat something good, too.   
It was too quiet.   
I saw GG asleep next to me. Did she really remember anything at all? I didn't think so.   
And I was worried. What if, when GG finally did get her memory back, she thought I was a dweeb instead of her beloved short, Goron boyfriend?   
Oh GG. Why can't you and the other authors remember?   
I could hear Matio64 and the Windmill Guy playing their favorite song from inside the windmill.   
I decided to think.   
I normally wasn't very good at thinking, but I don't think this situation qualifies under the "normal" category.   
The one thing I didn't mind about this human body was the hair. I liked having a full head of hair, even though my own red eyes kinda creeped me out when I saw them in the Mirror Shield. But I did miss my beard. A Goron's beard is his pride and joy. And mine was mysteriously left on my other body, wherever it was.   
I was beginning to get tired. But I felt lonely.   
I had a song stuck in my head, one that GG had taught me.   
"Yesterday... All my troubles seemed so far away! Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday!   
Suddenly... I'm not half the man I used to be! There's a shadow hanging over me... oh Yesterday came suddenly!"   
I looked over at what used to be my girlfriend.   
"WHYYYYY SHEEEE HAD TO GOOO I DON'T KNOW, SHE WOULDN'T SAYYYY!" I crooned. "I SAID SOMETHING WRONG NOW I LOOOOONG FOR YESTERDAYYYYAYAYAYYYYYY!"   
Link snorted and began to stir.   
I hit the ground.   
A few seconds later, I sat up again.   
"Goodnight, GG... Wherever you are," I said to her.   
"Goodnight Little Link," I said in a high voice. For some reason, it was reassuring.   
"Goodnight Link. Goodnight Princess... I mean, Yumi. Goodnight Dad, back at home. Goodnight everyone!"   
I rolled up in a ball and fell over flat on my face.   
"OOF!" I grunted.   
AHHHHH... Comfort at last!   
  
THE NEXT DAY...   
  
I woke up to see Link staring at me.   
"What?" I mumbled.   
"You shouldn't sleep like that. It looks weird," he said, frowning.   
"I can't sleep any other way!" I whined.   
"Look, we'll both stop whining. Now, where did GG... I mean, Fianna go?"   
Yumi was zooming around the village looking for her.   
"I can't find her anywhere!"   
"Her bags are still here," I said, pointing.   
"So where did she go?" Link asked to no one.   
"I know where she went..." said a garbled old voice.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH!" I screamed, leaping up off the ground.   
  
I turned around to see another author, Topaz989. She was bent over like an old woman, and dressed in old lady clothes, which looked weird considering she was young and healthy.   
"Who... who did you see?" asked Link.   
"The young lady, Fianna. I saw her early this morning. She woke up... and something weird happened," Topaz said, in the old voice.   
"What?" Link and I said at the same time.   
"I saw a soft blue glow fill the sky from next to the mountain, and a chill went through the air. Then, a group of creatures appeared out of nowhere and grabbed her!"   
I gasped. "Oh no!"   
"Darn near gave me a heart attack, it did!" Topaz hissed.   
"Where did the glow come from?" Link asked urgently.   
"Right over there..." Topaz said, pointing to the mountain. "A little to the southeast."   
"The chasm! The river! THE TEMPLE!" Link screamed.   
"Uh oh! This isn't good!" I wailed.   
"L- Doseki, come on! We gotta get going!" Link said, throwing all his stuff in a bag.   
I stood up and put the Little Giant sword on my belt. Could I use it if I had to?   
Then I saw the Galaxy crystal wand in my pocket.   
GG... where was she?   
Would she ever remember me?   
And most importantly, was she OK?   
  
  
  
So, L- Doseki, Link and Pri- YUMI are on their way to the hidden temple in the chasm. We still don't know exactly what this Innocence Medallion that LL had can do! What happened to Destiny? And what other weird, wacky authors are they going to see on their quest? Find out in the next chapter...   
  
THE PLACE WHERE STARS ARE BORN   
  
-Or-   
  
FUN IN THE GALAXY TEMPLE!   
  



	5. Fun in the Galaxy Temple!

The Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters or places in this fic. Nintendo owns Zelda, the cameo authors own themselves, and I own me. All seven temples are of my own creation, so please ask before using them! Offer expires 5/25/20! Void where prohibited!  
  
  
  
Hey all, it's me, LL. Or, um... Doseki, that is. Last time, we found my girlfriend GG, but she thought that she was an overly caffeinated blade salesperson, when she was kidnapped by some weird dudes.   
  
  
  
CHAPTER FIVE: THE PLACE WHERE STARS ARE BORN -or- FUN IN THE GALAXY TEMPLE!  
  
Link grabbed me by the arm and pulled me all the way back up the hill through the village and on the way up Death Mountain Trail.  
"OW! Link, where's GG?" I wailed.  
"I think the creatures took her to the temple by the river!" he said.  
"We've gotta help Fianna!" screamed Princess of the Pixies, or Yumi.   
"But... we don't know how to get there!" I said.   
"You should right?"   
"Uh, no! The river has been dried up for years!" I yelled. "Don't you ever listen to me?"  
"Well... No."   
We reached the hill near Goron City, when we suddenly saw something that made me gasp.  
There, next to the chasm, gazing over the side, was my dad, Darunia!   
  
Link tried to duck behind a rock, but my dad saw him first.   
"Link! Brother!" he cried, running as fast as he could over to me.  
"Oh, uh... hi Darunia!" Link said nervously.   
"Where's LL?" Dad asked, "And who is this?"   
"This is Doseki Musha, a guy from Kakariko," Link said. "And LL... he went with me to town."   
"How was the temple? Why did LL go to town without me?" Dad inquired. "And why didn't you tell me that you were safe? I've been worried to death over my little LL!"   
I didn't say anything, because my voice sounded the same.   
"We appeared in the village," Link lied. "He decided to stay and look at... bombs."  
I elbowed him in the ribs.  
"Uh... not bombs, arrows!" Link said quickly.   
Dad raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Oh. Well, he should have told me he was leaving for a while. I hope he doesn't starve on those disgusting rocks from the village! YUK!"   
Link chuckled nervously.   
"Well, see you later Brother," Dad shrugged. He turned and walked back into the city.   
  
Link sighed and stared over the edge of the chasm. "WOOO! That was close!"  
"How are we going to get over there? It's impossible, without water and a boat!" Yumi whined.   
Suddenly, we were hit with a strange sensation. The mountain landscape faded, and we were in a small white room.   
"AAAH! WHERE ARE WE?" I screamed.   
"I... don't know," Link said. "Probably a surreal vision. I have them all the time."   
A voice boomed out, and echoed through the tiny white room.   
  
LINK... LINK OF THE GORONS...  
  
"Uh, hello Mr. Magic Room Person, uh... Hello?" I stammered. Link rolled his eyes.   
"Who are you?" Link called.   
  
WE HAVE MET BEFORE, LINK.   
  
"Yeah, that's great. But who are you?" Link said, getting a little impatient.   
A shadow fell across the room, and we spun around.   
There stood a man about Link's age, wearing a blue suit and a white turban and veil over his face.  
"SHEIK?" Link cried. "Wow! Hey, I thought you were Zelda,"  
Sheik groaned and slapped his forehead. "Ya know, there just might be a REAL Sheik, OK?"   
"Oh yeah," Link said.   
"You are searching for the Author Sages, aren't you?" Sheik said.  
"Yeah," I answered.   
Sheik cleared his throat, and began a long speech.   
"Beyond our earth, beyond our home and our birthplace, there is a wide open area unseen by any man... A realm of mystery and illusion, that no one has ever seen all of. You cannot see all of it, just like the emotion of a human heart..."  
I yawned. "And does this speech have a point?"   
Sheik scowled and continued. "Each of us has our own realm, our own hidden place that no one can see. It is in our heart. It is our galaxy, hidden deep within the feelings of our hearts."   
"Ooooh..." I cooed.   
"To rescue the girl, you need to learn the melody that will bring you into the realm of the unseen, the galaxy. This is the 'Legato of Galaxy'."  
Sheik pulled a small harp (or was it a lyre? I can't ever tell) out from behind his back and plucked a few notes on it.   
  
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Link pulled out his Ocarina and repeated the notes.   
Then, the two played together. It was such a soothing melody... quiet... and calm... and...   
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...  
  
"Yo, L- Doseki, wake up!" Link yelled, nudging me with his elbow.   
I opened my eyes. "Huh? Oh, hi Link..." I looked at my human hands. "Darn... I thought it was a dream..."  
Sheik rolled his eyes. "Good job Link, you played the 'Legato of Galaxy'."  
He turned to me. "As for YOU, you need an instrument, LL. Or Doseki, or whatever you go by."   
He reached behind him and pulled out a small bongo drum with string running down the sides instead of wood.  
"Take this talking drum. It should help you two."  
"AAAH! A TALKING DRUM?" I squealed.  
"Not like that!"   
Sheik handed me the drum. I held it under my arm, and pounded the surface. When I squeezed the strings, the drum made different pitches and notes.   
"COOL!" I screamed.   
"Now you play it!"   
My eyes widened and I stared at the drum. "Uh, could you play it again?"  
Sheik sighed and played the "Legato of Galaxy" once again. I repeated it, though it sounded a little out of tune on me.   
"Good job, you got it." Sheik said.   
"What does this song do?" Yumi asked.   
"This song will lead you to the hidden temple under the cascade. You must also play another song to open the door."   
"Which one?" I asked.   
"The song that brings out the innocence in the soul."  
"Could you stop talking in philosophical phrases, please?" I begged. "I don't get it."  
"He means the 'Ode to Innocence', Doseki." Link explained.   
"Oh yeah!" I said. "I get it!"   
Sheik nodded and put the harp thingy away. "Good luck rescuing the girl, and awakening the Author Sage of Galaxy. I will send you back to the mountain now, and I will see you near the next temple."  
  
The whiteness faded and we found ourselves back near the entrance to Goron City.   
"WHOA! WEIRD!" I cried.   
"Come on, let's play the song!" Link said, pulling out his Ocarina.   
He played the first four notes, and then stared at me.   
"Wow... the... blue... so... pretty... DOOOOOOOO!" I drooled.   
Link thwacked me in the head, and I came to.   
"Sorry,"   
I pulled out the drum, and we played the song.   
A silvery blue light surrounded us, and we disappeared into a silvery blue crystal shaped thingy.   
The crystal floated up in the air, and sped off over the chasm. The reddish brown rocks and cliffs of the mountains were flying by really, really fast.   
  
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed, watching the cliffs and hills of the mountains zooming below us.   
"Calm down! You're giving me a headache!" Link snapped.   
"Hey Link! LOOK!" Yumi cried.   
"WHAT?" Link and I both said.   
"Check it out! There's water down there in the chasm!"   
Sure enough, a raging river was flowing at the very bottom of the chasm. The River of Stars! So it wasn't a legend!  
"WOW!" I breathed, and pointed ahead.   
Whoa... I never noticed how long and ugly these human fingers were! They were so long... and ugly... and... stuff!  
"What?" Link asked. "Why are you staring at your fingers?"  
"Uh, never mind. Look! There's a HUGE waterfall!"  
Straight in front of us was a (huge) blue waterfall feeding into the river. The waterfall seemed to sparkle in the sunlight, and it appeared to be shimmering in the noonday light.   
"OOH, PRETTY!" I cried. "If GG was kidnapped, I'm sure this would be the place to take her! She'd love it!"  
"Yeah, yeah." Link said.   
  
The crystal ripped through the flow of the waterfall and stood straight up. We were hovering over a large circular pad on the ground, and the crystal suddenly vanished!  
I felt my feet touch the ground. I couldn't hear anything but the roaring of the waterfall, barely a few feet behind us.  
The pad was engraved with a swirling galaxy pattern, and a five pointed star was in the center of the swirl.   
A few feet ahead of us was a blue stone door, with the same pattern as on the pad on it.   
"Let's open this sucker up and go save your girlfriend!" Link said. He pulled out his Ocarina, I pulled out my drum, and we played the "Ode to Innocence".  
The door made a loud squeaky noise, and moved back a few inches. Then, the door split into two pieces and slipped away into the sides of the door frame.   
It was pitch black inside the temple. I gulped and peeked in the door.   
"It sure is dark in there..." I moaned.   
"L- Uh, Doseki, if you want to..."  
"No. I'm going in there to save my girlfriend and awaken the Sage, so I can turn back into my old Goron self. Let's go!"   
  
We stepped into a long dark corridor. Yumi was the only source of light.  
"Um, Doseki?"   
"Yeah?"   
"Stop squeezing my waist so tight! I can't breathe!"   
"Oh, sorry."   
"Gee, there might be monsters in this hallway!" Yumi said suddenly. "You'd better watch out where you step!"  
I screamed and leaped up into Link's arms. "MONSTERS? WHERE?"   
Link groaned and threw me down. "Get off!"  
"Sorry... It's really, really scary in here!" I whimpered.   
"Calm down, Prince- Uh, Yumi will find them.   
Suddenly, I saw something up ahead. I stopped short. "Hey Link?"  
"Why did you stop, Doseki? Come on, keep walking! There's nothing- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
Link was gone! He had disappeared down some sort of trap door.   
"Link! Link, are you OK?" I yelled down.  
"WOW! Doseki, Yumi come down here!"   
I held my nose and took a step forward.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"   
  
"OWWWWW!" I screamed.   
Then I opened my eyes.   
"WOW!"   
The room we were in was wide, cavernous, and really, really cool looking! The walls were black and navy blue swirled, with tiny stars and blurs of light all over the walls. It was like we were standing in outer space or some place kind of like that! There was no visible floor, and I was caught just staring at the ceiling.  
"COOOOOOOL!" I breathed.   
Link stood up and dusted himself off. "Yeah, real nice,"   
Yumi started shouting and zooming around the room like crazy. "Holy Purple Dishwashers, Batman! There are five whole doors in this room!"   
Sure enough, there were five doors in the galaxy room. One was at the far end of the room at the top of a large marble staircase. There were two doors on each side of the temple, east and west. On the right there was a blue door and a green door, and on the left was a yellow door and a red door.   
"Let's go red first!" I suggested, running over to it. The door was locked with a blue and a green lock.   
Link ran back to the yellow door, and was about to open it when Yumi started buzzing at him. "HEY!"  
He shuddered. "What?"  
"This is a one-way door. You can only open it from the inside."  
"Oh sure!" Link laughed. "This is one of those tricks to try and make me go the long way!"   
He reached over to open the door, but there was nothing to turn. The door was slammed shut.   
He stepped back a few feet, and ran towards the door at top speed.   
"If I can ram it in, then... AACK!"   
He bounced off of the door, grabbing his shoulder in pain.   
"OY! THE PAIN! OY!"   
"If I was a Goron, I could take this down easy!" I smirked.   
"Don't bother trying the green door. It's the same kind."   
"So that means we gotta try the BLUE one!" I said, racing over to it.   
Sure enough, the door slid open easily.   
Link stomped over to the open door, holding his shoulder and grumbling.   
  
The room has the same galaxy patterned walls, with a large blue fountain in the middle. Tiny bubbles were floating all over the room.   
"Oh, pretty!" I said, as a bubble popped on my nose. "I forgot... I have a nose now."  
Link looked around suspiciously. "Something's not right..."  
Yumi squealed and pointed over to a corner of the room. "Holy Purple Dishwashers!"   
Four 6 foot tall purple monsters were standing in the corner staring blankly at us. They had small antenna looking things on their heads, and white boxes on their stomachs.   
"Oh no! Please say that they're not..." Link gasped.  
The purple monsters laughed wickedly. "EH-OH!" they said.   
"GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!" Link screamed. "They're TELETUBBIES!"   
Yumi flew over to one and turned yellow. "This is a Purple Tubby! It's a monster made totally of evil and hate! It is very cruel and very evil, and it'll do anything it can in order to try and kill you! You need to hit its antenna to kill it!"   
The Teletubbies began tiptoeing towards us, chanting "... Kill... Kill..."  
I jumped back behind Link. "LINK! SAAAAAVE ME!"   
He pulled out his sword. "Ha, try and get past this, you purple scum!"   
"HE NOT NICE..." one of them moaned. "He must die!"  
The Teletubbies ran forward and leaped upon Link, while he cussed and screamed and wrestled them off.   
Yumi and I ran over to the end of the room. "Doseki, they're gonna kill Link!"   
Sure enough, they overpowered him and started dragging him over to the fountain.   
"Teletubbies... Teletubbies... Say Hello!" they chanted.   
"GODDESSES! SAAAAAAAVE ME!" Link screamed in a high voice.   
I looked around quickly, searching for some way to dispatch the evil Teletubbies. I saw the Little Giant, the sword GG had given me.   
I shrugged and pulled it out of my belt.   
"COOOOL!" I said, spinning it around.   
"Um, Doseki? Sometime BEFORE they drown him?"   
"Oh yeah. HIIIIIIIIIIIYAH!"   
I screamed out several Goron curses, and ran up to the big evil Teletubbies, whacking several of them in the antenna. Two of them fell over and disappeared.   
The remaining two Teletubbies glared at me evilly and dunked Link in the fountain.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH! THIS ROLEX IS NOT WATER RESISTANT, YOU $#@#$%^$!" Link shouted.   
I decided to try a trick that I learned from my pal Bubba Bo Bob Brian, spinning the sword around by the handle like a baton. I was pretty good at it, even with these ugly fingers, and I swung it around and made ninja noises.   
"HIIIIIYAH!"   
The other two Teletubbies were smacked in the antenna by the sword, and they disappeared.   
Link sputtered and climbed out of the fountain.   
"Stupid Teletubby @&$*$$%^!" he cursed. "Hey, good job Doseki!"   
He patted me on the back, and I tumbled into the fountain.   
"AAAAAAH! LINK! SAVE ME! I'M DROWNING! AAAAAAH!" I kicked my legs and screamed and gargled.   
Link stared down into the fountain. "Doseki, you're in about a foot of water."  
"Oh."  
I stood up and shook off.   
"Hey, there's a door in the back!" Yumi said, pointing to it.   
Link wrung his hat out, then straightened it on. "Perfect! Now, let's go!"   
  
We opened the door and walked down a long spiral staircase.   
"I never realized how much I hate stairs," I grumbled.   
At the bottom was a tiny room with a treasure chest in the middle and another door at the end.   
"OOH! OOOH! A CHEST! LET US OPEN IT GEORGE, PLEASE LET US OPEN IT!"   
"Don't call me George." Link snorted.  
I ran over to the chest, opened it and...   
  
LINK AND LITTLE L- UH, DOSEKI GOT THE DUNGEON MAP! NOW THEY CAN STUMBLE AROUND THIS HECK HOLE OF A DUNGEON FOR HOURS ON END, BUT STILL HAVE A BASIC IDEA WHERE THEY ARE!   
  
Link tucked the map into his pocket. "We're in the first basement. Another door, let's go."  
  
The next room was a long hallway, with Technicolor neon lights all over.   
"OOOOOH! I like this temple Link!" I said.  
"You weren't almost drowned by psychotic Teletubbies!" he snapped.   
"You don't have to be so mean!"   
"Sorry, sorry. I'm wet, cold, and kinda PO'ed at the time, 'K?"   
Against the wall was a small treasure chest. Link kicked it open and I pulled out what was inside.   
  
LINK AND L- $&%*! DOSEKI GOT THE FOUNTAIN KEY! THIS A IS A SPECIAL BLUE SMALL KEY THAT UNLOCKS ALL THE BLUE LOCKS IN THE TEMPLE. AND IT'S REUSABLE, TOO!  
  
"A reusable key. Now there's something they could have made up a long time ago." Link chuckled.  
Yumi flew over to another door.   
"Doseki, Link, there's something behind this door!"   
"No, REALLY?" Link asked, dripping with sarcasm.   
"Shut up and listen, meat head! I can feel something really evil behind this door!"   
Link shrugged and opened the door. "What can it be? Can't be that..."  
"EH-OH!"   
Ten Green Teletubbies were standing in the room, another spiral staircase room.   
"Me and my big fat mouth!"   
  
Yumi turned yellow. "Those are Green Tubbies! They're kinda like the purple ones, but tougher. You need to hit them in the stomach instead of the head."   
"OK then, let's go!" I said, running into the group.  
"ARE YOU NUTS?" Link screamed.   
I whipped out my sword and started spinning around like a crazy ninja. "HIIIIIYAH! WOOOOOOYAH! BOOOOOOYAH!"   
Link slapped his forehead and pulled his sword. "Hiyah. Wooyah. Booyah."   
"No, you gotta put some feeling into it! HIIIIIYAH! WOOOOOYAH! BOOOOOOYAH!"   
In what seemed like no time, we had dispatched all ten of the evil Teletubbies.   
Link sighed and put his sword away. "I hate those things!"  
Another treasure chest appeared on the floor near Link.   
"COOL!" I said, running over to it.   
  
LINK AND LITTLE- UH, DOSEKI FOUND THE COMPASS! NOW THEY CAN KINDA FIND THEIR WAY AROUND SOME MORE. I GUESS. MAYBE. HEY, I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING... HOW DOES A COMPASS HELP YOU FIND TREASURE CHESTS? IT JUST SHOWS YOU WHAT DIRECTION TO GO! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT, MAN? CRAZY! OOPS, I FORGOT... ONLY ALLOWED TO SAY 65 WORDS IN ONE OF THESE EXPLANITORY THI-   
  
Link started running up the stairs, and I began, but I slipped halfway up and slid all the way back down.  
"OWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWW..."   
Link stared down at me from the top of the stairs. "Hey, watch it will ya? I can't have you falling down every time we have to go up stairs!"   
"Ow... I think... I broke... my nose..."   
  
The staircase led to a room with galaxy patterns on the wall, and a large electric bubble on a stand in the center. Four more Green Tubbies were in the room.   
"KILL THEM!" one of them cried. They began slowly marching towards us.   
"Hey, there's no fountains in here! You can't kill us! HA!" Link laughed.  
"Actually, smart guy, there's a really big electrified bubble right there. Looks pretty deadly to me." Yumi said.   
"Oh." Link pulled out his bow. "I ain't taking chances with these guys!" I pulled out the Little Giant. "This is for my girlfriends, you #*%$&#@!"  
Link stared at me. "Little Link! You watch your mouth!"   
"Oops, sorry. HIIIIYAH! WOOOOOOYAH! BOOOOYAH!"   
Two Tubbies came after me. I kicked one in the stomach, and slapped the other one in the face. Then I stabbed him, and he died.   
Link used a little more fancy footwork to get rid of all of the evil green Teletubbies. Then, he put away his bow and a chest appeared on the floor.   
I bent down to open it, and...  
  
LINK AND DOESKI GOT THE THUNDER KEY! THIS IS A GREEN SMALL KEY THAT OPENS ALL OF THE GREEN LOCKS IN THIS TEMPLE. HEY, I GOT IT RIGHT THIS TIME!   
  
We opened the door, and found ourselves back in the Galaxy Room. We had just come out of the green door.   
"Hey, we can unlock the red door now!" I said happily. "You can have the Thunder Key, Link. Because you like green, right?"  
"Well Duh..." he started, but then he smiled and took the key from me. "Thank you, Doseki."  
Finally! A little respect!  
  
We each unlocked a lock on the red door, and we were in yet another galaxy patterned room. A huge torch sconce was in the center, and a few red Teletubbies stood at the far end, holding nunchuks.   
"That's a Red Tubby. These ones are harder than Green and Purple! You have to dodge their ninja attacks, then hit them in the stomachs to stun them, and THEN you hit their antenna!"   
"HOOOOOOYAH!" the Tubbies screamed, then they all ran after us.   
"AAAAAAAAAH!" I cried. "I'M AFRAID! I'M AFRAID!"   
"Calm down!" Link said, pulling out his sword. "If you panic, they'll get us!"  
One of the Teletubbies whacked Link's sword with the nunchuks, and knocked it out of his hand and across the room. The other Teletubbies gathered around us and sneered.   
Link stepped back. "Hey Doseki, you know what I said about panicking?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Forget it."  
He stood silent for a second, and then...   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"  
The Teletubbies came at us, squealing and swinging their nunchuks around.   
"HOOOYAH!" I yelled back, smacking one in the stomach with my sword.   
Link thought fast and pulled out the hooky thingy. Then he hit the one that I had stunned in the antenna with it.   
"AAAAAAH!" the Teletubby yelled, then it fell over and croaked.   
The other Teletubbies stepped back, and Link and I hit and killed another one. The remaining two tried to run away, but Link hit them both in the stomach with the hook, and I finished them off with the sword.   
"YAAAY!" I cried.   
Link recovered his sword, and smiled. "Hey, you did good Doseki!"   
"Thank you," I replied, and another chest appeared by the torch.   
  
LINK AND LITT- #&%*! DOSEKI GOT THE EMBER KEY! THIS KEY UNLOCKS RED LOCKS. USE IT WISELY, MI' SONS...  
  
There was another door in the back, so Link led me through it.   
  
Another spiral staircase led down to the bottom, where we found another long neon hallway like on the other side of the temple.   
"Hopefully we're done with the Teletubbies," Link said. "UGH!"   
At the end of the neon hall was another spiral staircase identical to the ones we had seen earlier.   
Link ran up quickly, but I decided to take my time. Slowly, surely, one step, two steps...  
"Come on, Doseki! You're taking forever!" Link shouted.   
"OK, I think I..." I said, speeding up. "OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW- OOOF!"  
Link rolled his eyes. "Down at the bottom again, Doseki?"  
"I really... think... I broke... my nose... this time..."  
  
The room at the top of the stairs was the final galaxy patterned room. In the center of this room was a large glowing obelisk. Four yellow Teletubbies were standing guards with big sharp sticks. They saw us, and immediately charged.   
"AAACK! YELLOW TUBBY!" Yumi screamed. "AAAAGGH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"   
"What's so bad about the yellow ones?" I asked.   
"THEY ARE MEEEEEEAN! They carry big sharp sticks, and they're the most evil ones of all! They are also fully armored, and you can only kill them by hitting their backs!"   
The three of us leaped out of the way of the evil vicious Teletubbies, and Link pulled out his sword. I got out the Little Giant, and the Teletubbies started out charging again.   
"All right you pathetic... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!" Link screamed. He was hit with the stick by one of the Teletubbies, and knocked to the ground.   
"AAAAAGH, DOSEKI, HELP MEEEE!" he cried as the rest of them ran over.   
"HIIYAH!" I cried, hitting one of them in the back and killing it.   
"WOOOOYAH!" I screamed, as I killed another one.  
"WOOOOOCHA!" I shouted, smacking out another one.  
"BOOOOOOYAH!" I yelled, killing the last one.   
  
Link stood up and fell over again. "OW... %&$* Teletubbies..." he whined.   
Another chest appeared by the obelisk, and I opened it up.   
  
LINK AND... DOSEKI FOUND THE BEAM KEY! THIS YELLOW SMALL KEY OPENS ALL THE YELLOW LOCKS IN THIS PLACE!  
  
"Now where do we go, Link?" I asked, as we exited through the yellow door back into the galaxy room.   
"Hey, that door at the north side of the room was locked with one of each of the blue, green, red, and yellow locks!" Yumi pointed out.   
"Yeah, let's try in there!" Link said.   
We ran up the stairs at the north end of the room, and Link unlocked the yellow and green locks with the Beam and Thunder keys. I unlocked the blue and red locks with the Fountain and Ember keys. Then, the large door slid open, and we walked inside.   
  
Inside, there was a long hallway that widened in the center. At the widened part, there was a big treasure chest.   
"OOOH OOH! I want to open it!" I cried.   
"Help yourself," Link said.   
  
(weird music for when you open a chest)  
  
DUDA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
LINK AND LIT- WHY CAN'T I GET THAT? @$&%! LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE SPIRAL BRACELET! THIS BRACELET IS TOO SMALL FOR AN ADULT, SO SORRY LINK, YOU GOT SCREWED OVER ON THIS ONE! THIS BRACELET GIVES WHOEVER WEARS IT THE FIGHTING POWERS OF A NINJA! THEY CAN DO THREE NEW ATTACKS: A SWORD SPIN, RUNNING REALLY FAST AND FLIPPING, AND A MATRIX-ESQUE STYLE FLOAT! COOOOOOL!   
  
I slipped on the bracelet. "SWEEEET! It looks good on me!" I said.   
"Shut up, and let's keep going!" Link said.   
"There's something important in this next room, I can feel it!" Yumi said.   
Link set his hand on the doorknob and turned it.  
  
The next room was wide open and square, with four targets on the wall. One red, one blue, one green, and one yellow target.   
But that was no big deal. In the center of the room stood Galaxy Girl!  
"GG!" I cried, running towards her.   
"Link! Doseki! I'm so glad to see you!" GG said. "I've been stuck here for a long time!"   
"There's something not right about her," I said to myself.   
Link ran up to her and looked concerned. "Are you OK?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said.   
"Link, GET BACK!" I screamed.   
Suddenly, GG grabbed him and twisted his arm backwards. "UNFORTUNATELY, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE FINE WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!" Her voice was deep and evil.   
"AAAAAAAAAAH! SHE'S GONE BASS!" Link cried, wriggling to escape.   
GG then turned him so he faced the floor, and slammed him into the stone floor.   
"Ow..." Link mumbled from his position on the ground. "That wasn't nice..."  
  
Yumi flew towards my girlfriend (or who I thought was my girlfriend) and turned yellow. "This is Dark Galaxy Girl! She looks like GG, but she's evil! Something turned her this way!"   
Dark GG laughed and flew up in the air, holding Link. Then, she lifted him above her head, and threw him against the wall.   
SPLAT!  
Link hit the ground and Yumi and I ran over to see if he was all right.   
"OW! She is STRONG!" Link said, rubbing his arm.   
"She's a superheroine, stupid!" I said, the first time someone besides me had deserved the title of stupid.  
Dark GG laughed and held up her hands. A green thunderbolt appeared, and she hurled it at Link and me!   
"I can't get to my shield!" Link shrieked.   
Suddenly, I felt the Spiral Bracelet pull out my sword and hold it in my right hand.   
"What the- The Bracelet!" I screamed.   
The thunderbolt was almost hitting us, when my sword spun in my hand. It was spinning so fast, it knocked the thunderbolt away, and almost hit Dark GG.   
"That's it!" Yumi cried. "Use the Sword Spin to reflect the attacks back at her!"  
Link got up and we ran back to the door where we had entered. Dark GG laughed, and created a fireball in her hands. She threw that at us, and once again, I spun the sword and it bounced off.   
This time it hit her. It didn't even make a dent! She just laughed and the fire disappeared.   
"OH NO!" Yumi cried. "How- How are we going to stop her?"  
Dark GG laughed wickedly. "YOU FOOLS! NO ONE CAN DEFEAT A SUPERHEROINE!"  
Then, she created a ball of light and hurled it.   
"I got an idea!" I cried. I bounced the light off the spinning sword, but this time, in the direction of the yellow target.   
When the light hit the target, it disappeared, and the target began to glow!  
"That's it!" I said.   
"Of course!" Yumi said happily. "We gotta bounce the attacks back at the targets!"  
Dark GG stared coldly at me, and created a glowing blue bubble beam.  
"I know your secret!" I called to her. "So watch it! I'm going to get my girlfriend back!"  
Dark GG laughed. "YOU IMBECILE! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT GG LIKES YOU AT ALL?"  
"Because she's nice to me, and she said she'd go out with me!"  
"YOU IDIOT! GG WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH A FAT LITTLE MORON LIKE YOU!"  
I gasped. "B-B-But that's not true!"  
"IT'S TRUE!" Dark GG said eerily. "GALAXY GIRL HATES YOU, AND SHE ONLY IS NICE TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR FATHER IS A SAGE!"  
"But..."  
"YOU'RE SCRAWNY, AND STUPID, AND UGLY, AND NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD LIKE YOU! EVEN YOUR FATHER IS ASHAMED OF YOU!"   
I could feel tears coming on.   
"LL! Don't listen to her!" Link screamed from next to me. "She's only messing with your mind!"  
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL STAY IN YOUR CURRENT FORM! YOU SHOULD MOVE FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU PRICELESS EXCUSE FOR A DOLT! EVEN IF GG WERE HERE, SHE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU!"  
"You... you MEANIE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I said, bursting into tears.   
Link ran over. "L- Doseki, don't listen to her! People like you!"  
"YOU DON'T!" I wailed.   
"What? Of course I like you!"  
"Then how come you're always so mean to me?" I choked. "You hate me, and so does my daddy, and everyone! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"   
"I don't hate you! I just get frustrated with you, that's all!" Link said quickly.   
"YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK WITH ME WHEN DESTINY TOLD YOU TO!" I cried. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Suddenly, a flash of blue interrupted my temper tantrum. It exploded near us, and Link and I were thrown back by the force.   
I smacked into a wall. "OWIE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I cried.   
I looked over at Link, who was unconscious. Yumi was slapping my face. "DOSEKI! DOSEKI! WAKE UP!"   
Dark GG was laughing. "AND YOU'RE GULLIBLE TOO!"  
Then I realized Link was right! Dark GG was just trying to distract me from killing her!  
I jumped up. "COME ON! LET'S GO!"   
"WHAT?" Dark GG shouted. "IT DIDN'T WORK? AARRRGH! NOW I'LL FINISH YOU!"   
She launched a thunderbolt, and I bounced it towards the green target. It hit the target, and it began to emit a steady green glow.   
Dark GG screamed in rage and threw out another fire ball. This one I hit, and it too flew over to the target.   
"Now only one more to go!" I said. "Take this, you big brat!"   
"I THINK NOT!" Dark GG said. She threw out a blue bubble beam, and it began to spin and turn and spiral all over the place.   
"It's time to try out a new attack!" I said. I ran forward, and leaped into the air.   
Sure enough, I stayed there, suspended! Dark GG, the bubble beam, everything was moving in slow motion!   
I swung my sword at the beam, and with a CRACK!   
It flew over to the blue target just as I hit the ground.   
  
All four targets began to glow. Then, they each shot out a beam of yellow, green, red, or blue light.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!" screamed Dark GG as the beams hit her.   
She tumbled out of the air and hit the ground, stunned.   
Yumi buzzed in my ear, "DOSEKI! QUICK! Take out your Innocence Medallion, and use it to hold her!"   
I shrugged and did so.   
Yellowish orange light shot out of the medallion, and Dark GG screamed again.  
"FOOLS! NO... ONE... CAN... BEAT... MY... MASTER... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"   
When the light faded, Dark GG stood there, wincing in pain. Then, she gasped and fell over on her face.   
  
I had noticed that there was a black chain around GG's right wrist.   
I stepped slowly towards her, lying on the ground.   
"... GG?"   
The black chain faded, and then disintegrated.   
Link moaned and sat up. He saw me standing there.   
"Doseki! LL! You did it!" he said. He ran over to join me.   
Suddenly, a cold wind blew into the room. A black cloud of smoke appeared above us, and a sinister looking boy about GG and my age appeared.   
He had blonde hair, and was wearing a tight black shirt with silver razor blades sticking out. He had two horns coming out of his head, and wore the baggiest pants I'd ever seen. He had what looked like a freaked out saxophone on his belt. But for some reason... he seemed very familiar to me!  
"Well, well..." he said evilly. "Looks like she's back to normal..."  
"Who are you?" cried Link.   
"I'm her master! The rest is for me to know and you to find out!" he laughed. "Well, I can't leave her here like this... she might regain her senses... Heh heh... this virus is a great thing!"   
He took out the evil saxophone and played an evil sounding song. Then, he laughed wickedly, and both he and GG disappeared into a puff of smoke.   
"HACK! HACK! COFF!" Link and I sputtered.   
When the smoke cleared, they were both gone!  
"Come on Link! We gotta save GG!" I cried.   
Suddenly, a treasure chest appeared next to where Link and I were standing.   
Link unlocked it, threw back the lid, and...  
  
LINK AND LITTLE LINK/DOSEKI RECEIVED THE GALAXY KEY! THIS IS A SILVER BOSS KEY WITH A STAR ON THE END. IT OPENS UP THE BOSS KEY DOOR IN THE GALAXY TEMPLE! IT WAS RECEIVED WHEN YOU DEFEATED DARK GALAXY GIRL.   
  
"Come on!" Link said. He pointed to a door in the back of the room. "Let's get moving!"  
We opened the door, and we were in a long hallway. At the end was a door locked with a star lock. The walls were patterned with the galaxy again.   
"Uh, Link?"   
"Yeah?"   
"Did you mean what you said back there?"  
"About me not hating you? Of course."  
"Then why are you always so mean?"  
"Because you frustrate me sometimes," he said quietly.   
"Oh."   
I took the Galaxy Key out of my pocket, and set it in the lock. Then, I turned it.   
The lock disappeared from the door, and it slid open.   
  
The room beyond was also patterned with the galaxy, and in the center of it was a chair. In the chair sat the guy we had just seen back in the sub boss room.   
"Well, I see you're back to try and rescue her," he said.   
"That's right!" I cried.   
"Well, it's too late! I got rid of her!"   
"Yeah, right!" Link said. "Now, you come on and tell us where she is!"  
"I'll do no such thing!" the guy said. He floated up in the air and took out the evil saxophone.   
  
DISCHORD: SINISTER SAXOPHONE HYPNOTIST HOMIE  
  
"That's where I've seen him!" I yelled. "GG made him up! He was one of the homies in her comic book!"   
"A what?" Link asked.   
"A homie. It's like a youma on the Sailor Moon cartoon."   
"That's Dischord!" Yumi said. "He's an evil saxophonist! He can use the power of the sax to cast spells and hypnotize people! You gotta get rid of it as soon as you can, then start the battle with him!"   
"Now how did GG and her partners get rid of him in the comic?" I started to think. "AAAH!"   
A blast of energy almost hit me. I ducked out of the way just in time.   
"We gotta kill him!" Link cried. "Before he can use his saxophone to hypnotize us!"   
"Let's watch his attack pattern before we try to kill him!" Yumi suggested.   
We figured it out as we ran around the room avoiding him. First Dischord would fire three beams at us, then he would pause for a second to cast a big spell with his saxophone and launch it.   
  
"I got it!" Link said. "We can use that Matrix thing and get him while he's paused!"   
We dodged three beams, and then the two of us ran forward and jumped.   
  
We paused in the air, and the two of us flew forward. Then, we kicked the saxophone out of his hands, and it shattered on the ground.   
"AAAGH! MYYYYYY SAAAXXXXX!" he said, VEEEEEERY slowly.   
Then, the flow of time resumed, and we felt a strong set of hands grab both of us by the neck.   
"OWWW!" I choked.   
"You fools! Now I will destroy you!" Dischord laughed.   
He began to squeeze... HARD! It wouldn't have been a problem if I was a Goron. Unfortunately, now I was vulnerable to strangulation.  
I began to lose consciousness, when I heard this:  
  
"GALAXY ILLUSION, SHINE!"   
  
A bright spiral of light hit Dischord, and he fell to the ground, dropping both of us.   
I was lying on the ground, with my eyes shut. I heard the following:   
  
"You fool! Now you'll pay!"   
"Leave them alone!"   
Then I heard an explosion and a scream.   
"MUAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! That'll teach you!"   
I quickly opened my eyes. I saw Dischord facing away from me, to something on the ground.   
I sat up, pulled out the Little Giant, and pitched it at him as hard as I could.   
THWACK!  
I heard a groan, and Link and I both stood up.   
Dischord was standing there, with the sword running him through. He reached down and wiggled the blade.   
"OW! Well, it's not so bad..." he said to us.   
Suddenly, he turned to the side and saw it sticking out the other side.   
"UGGGH... I was wrong!"   
Then, he fell over, dead.   
  
We raced over to see what he had been looking at.   
THERE WAS NOTHING THERE!  
I sighed, recovered my sword, and a warp portal appeared on the ground near where Dischord fell.   
"What's wrong?" asked Link.   
"I was hoping we'd find GG..." I said quietly.   
"Oh. Well, come on, let's go." Link said, pointing to the warp portal.   
I stepped into the blue circle, and Yumi flew in after us. A crystal enclosed the three of us. Then, I caught my last glimpse of the Galaxy Temple as we disappeared.   
  
Seconds later, we landed in the Chamber of Sages. I was on the smiley face, Link on the Triforce. Suddenly, we heard a booming voice that was so familiar.   
  
**ALL RIGHT! DESTINY IS ON THE LINE AGAIN! SORRY ABOUT THAT LAST TIME, BOYS.**  
  
"Yeah, really." I said grumpily  
  
**AWW, WHY THE LONG FACE?**  
  
"My girlfriend just disappeared." I said.   
"He's kind of upset also that you didn't tell him how to change back," Link added.   
  
**OH. MY BAD.**  
  
"So, could you PUH-LEASE tell me how to change back into myself now?"  
  
**WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER. THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS. YOU TOO, PRINCE- UH, YUMI.**  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
**YOUR GIRLFRIEND ISN'T GONE, LL, DOSEKI, WHATEVER YOU GO BY. SHE'S RIGHT HERE!**  
  
A silvery blue light appeared on the silvery blue galaxy symbol to my right. We turned to face it, and...  
  
GALAXY GIRL APPEARED!  
  
She looked perfectly normal, in her old clothes, and with the same old look on her face.  
"OW!" she whined, rubbing her arm. "Stupid Homie!"   
Then she noticed us. "Hi Link, Doseki. Uh, I just wanted to say, thank you for what you did back there."   
"No problem." Link said. "Part of my- uh, OUR job!"  
I smiled. "Do... do you know who you are?"   
"Uh huh. I'm Galaxy Girl, superheroine and author on Fan Fiction.net, AKA... Hey, I can't tell you that!"   
  
**SEE? I TOLD YOU SHE WAS FINE!**  
  
"Hey, I guess I'm one of the Author Sages!" GG said, grinning. "Cool."  
"Um, GG? I hafta tell you something..." I said.   
"I already know, LL."  
"REALLY?"  
"Yeah, really. I know about the Innocence Medallion and the Reality Virus, and everything," she said.   
"Oh. And..."  
"And LL? I still think you're cool. I don't think you're a dork." GG said.   
"What? Huh? How did you know?" I asked.   
"I woke up last night and heard you talking about someone thinking you were a dork. I didn't understand until about... ten minutes ago. But you're still my favorite little Goron, don't worry!" GG laughed.   
I frowned. "Not anymore... now I'm an ugly old human."   
"Nu-uh! You are really, REALLY hot!" GG said quickly.   
"HOT?"   
"Yeah, you are like, my dream guy!" she said. "Even cuter than Brendan Fraser, and that's saying something!"   
Link smiled.   
"But WAIT!" I protested. "So does this mean that you won't want me to be a Goron again?"  
"Oh NO!" GG said. "I'll still like you as a Goron. In fact, your Goron self has a certain... charm that a human doesn't. I'll like you the same no matter what, LL. Doseki."  
  
**OH YEAH, SPEAKING OF LL... I BET YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW HOW TO TURN BACK INTO YOURSELF.**  
  
"YES!" I screamed. "YES, YES, YESSSS!"   
  
**WELL THAT'S EASY. UM... ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS HOLD UP YOUR MEDALLION AND SAY, "INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!**  
  
"THAT'S IT?" I cried. "THAT'S IT???? I could have figured that out myself!"   
  
**YOU DIDN'T**   
Destiny said, as if that made it all better.   
  
"Oh," I said.   
"Thank you, Destiny." Link said appreciatively.   
"Well, I'm turning back now!" I said. "See you on the other side!"   
  
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!"   
  
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFF!  
  
I opened my eyes. I was short!   
I took a step. I was heavy!  
I tapped my arm. I WAS HARD!  
"I'M MEEE! I'M MEEEEE!" I squealed.   
"LL! You're back!" Yumi cried.   
"All right! Go, my little Goron friend!" Link cheered.   
  
**GOOD FOR YOU. NOW LL, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO BE DOSEKI AGAIN EVENTUALLY, TO HELP YOU AND LINK SAVE HYRULE. BUT FOR NOW, ENJOY BEING HOME.**  
  
"Oh I will!" I said.   
GG smiled. "Here, I figured you'd be wanting this." She threw me a rock.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I yelled for joy. I quickly gobbled it down, and looked at her happily. "Please ma'am, I want some more!"   
GG laughed, and then she said, "OK, you can go back to Death Mountain as soon as I give you this. This is the medallion that holds the power of the galaxy. Use it well, LL."   
She held up her hands, and a silvery blue medallion engraved with the Galaxy symbol fell from the ceiling.   
Link reached up and caught it.   
  
LINK GOT THE-  
  
I hit him in the gut with my elbow. He leaned over in pain, and I caught the medallion when he dropped it.   
  
LITTLE LINK/DOSEKI GOT THE GALAXY MEDALLION! GALAXY GIRL AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION! YOU CAN USE THE GALAXY MEDALLION TO CALL GALAXY GIRL, AND SHE WILL COME TO HELP YOU WHEN YOU NEED IT. IT'LL BE BILLED ON LINK'S CARD, SO USE IT WISELY. AW HECK, HE CAN AFFORD IT! CALL AWAY!  
  
Link scowled at me, and I tucked the medallion in my pocket. "So GG... I guess you have to stay here... in the Chamber?"  
"HECK NO!" GG cried. "There's an Avalanche Playoff game tonight! I'm going back home to Colorado! But I'll be able to come help you whenever you need it, so keep my medallion and use it when you need my help, and I'll appear!"  
"Thank you, Galaxy Girl." Link said.   
"No, thank YOU!" she said, like she did when I had bought the Little Giant from her alter ego.   
  
**ALL RIGHT YOU BOYS. ENOUGH CHIT CHAT. HERE'S THE CLUE TO YOUR NEXT TEMPLE...  
  
WHERE THE GREENNESS ENDS AND THE SUN BEGINS  
SHADOWS AND WINDS ARE BALMY  
NEAR THE GODDESS OF THE SAND  
INSIDE A CERTAIN PALMY...**  
  
"I'll remember that," Link said.   
"I'll see you guys later. LL, come give me a hug!" GG said.   
I ran over and hugged her knees. She laughed and patted me on the head.   
  
**ALL RIGHT GUYS. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. WATCH OUT FOR SHEIK! YOU'LL NEED TO LEARN THE NEW SONG BEFORE YOU CAN ENTER THE NEXT TEMPLE.**  
  
"See ya, GG. Bye, Destiny!" I said.   
The blue light shined around us, and I waved goodbye to GG. Then, the blue light enclosed in a crystal around us, and we floated back to Hyrule.   
  
  
  
Two mysteries are now solved and behind us. We know how LL turns into Doseki and back, and who the first Author Sage is. But where did Dischord and the evil Teletubbies come from? Where is the next temple, and who is the next Sage? And it seems that someone is causing this virus... but who? Find out when we continue the Sage of Innocence Saga in chapter Six:  
  
THE PLOT THICKENS!  
  
-or-   
  
TEMPLE NO. 2  
  



	6. The Search For Temple No 2

  
  
  
  
Sage Of Innocence Saga -OR- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors!  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER SIX: THE PLOT THICKENS! -or- THE SEARCH FOR TEMPLE NO. 2  
  
Disclaimer: Me does not = Zelda's owner. Me does not = Owner of the authors in this fic. Me = My Owner and Owner of the Extra Seven Temples.   
  
  
  
Yo, yo! LL is in the house! Well, last time, Link and me ran through the Galaxy Temple in search of my girlfriend Galaxy Girl, and we found her, but she had been evilly freaktified! We defeated this big evil guy, found the Spiral Ninja Bracelet, and we found out that GG herself was the Sage of Galaxy! (MAN, that was predictable!) Luckily, we also found out how I can change back from Doseki into my cute little Goron self.   
  
  
  
The crystal faded, and I once again felt solid ground below my feet. Solid, ROCKY ground!  
"Oh, it feels so good to step on Death Mountain soil as a Goron again!" I cheered.   
"Well, don't get too excited," Link said, brushing himself off. "We have another temple to find and another Sage to save."  
Yumi zipped around. "Hey look over there LL! ROCKS!"  
"ROCKS?"   
I squealed and scrambled over to the rock pile. Scooping handfuls of the deliciously crunchy morsels into my mouth, I feasted for a couple minutes, then fell over in bliss.  
"OH WOW! I'm never eating human food again!" I moaned.   
Link rolled his eyes. "Hey, we'd better go tell your dad you're OK, before he tracks me down."   
  
We walked over to the gateway to my hometown, and stepped inside. My old pal Joe was lying near the door. He sat up, and looked surprised.  
"LL! You're alive! We thought you'd starved to death on those nasty village rocks!"   
"No, I'm OK." I said. "Hey, where's my dad?"  
"He and the others went to castle town to rent some movies," Joe said. "I decided to stay here and wait for you."   
"Well, when Darunia gets back, tell him that LL's OK, and he's with me, all right?" Link said.   
"Um... sure, I can remember that!"   
"Well, we'd best be leaving now..." I mumbled. "See ya, Joe."   
We walked back outside, and Link pointed down the slope. "Come on, let's head for the village. Wherever the next temple is, I don't think it's around here."   
Yumi flew after him, but I held still.  
"Yo, LL let's go!" Link said, ushering me along.   
"If you don't mind Link..." I muttered, "I've been waiting all day to do this."   
I curled up into a ball, and sent myself hurtling down the trail, until I crashed into a stone wall.   
I unrolled, and I could hear Link racing down after me. "Good grief! Are you OK?"  
"WOOOOO! I never get enough of that!" I whooped.   
"Yep, he's OK." Yumi laughed.   
  
"Well, I know where the 'Goddess of the Sand' is..." Link pondered out loud as we walked through the village.   
"Where is that?" I asked.   
"In Gerudo Valley."   
"Oh, great! Where's that?" I asked.   
"It's to the southwest of here," Link said. "If we ride, it'll be about two hours across Hyrule Field..."  
I gasped and stopped in my tracks. "H-H-HYRULE FIELD?"  
"Yeah, Hyrule Field. What's wrong?" Link said confusedly.   
I shuddered and sat down. "Ohhhh... Not Hyrule Field!"   
"What's wrong with Hyrule Field?" Link demanded.   
"Legend has it if a Goron sets foot on Hyrule Field, he'll be DOOMED! They tell of tiny evil demons that race around like mad..."  
"Those would be rabbits." Link explained.   
"Big... Tall... THINGS! That hurt if you hit them!" I wailed.   
"Trees?"   
"And small arms that reach out of the earth, group together, and entangle anyone who dares to get near!"   
"Those are BUSHES, LL." Link said, almost laughing. "Are you telling me that you've never seen Hyrule Field?"   
"Uh... it's been a while..." I whined. "I was two!"   
"Your dad and the others don't seem to have a problem with the Field!" Link laughed.   
"They don't use the field." I said.  
"Whaaaa?"  
"You honestly think we would risk our lives on the field when we could just tunnel to the castle to deliver bombs and the ranch to get milk?" I chuckled. "Boy, you Hylians really are stupid!"   
Link scowled. "Well, there's a first time for everything, so get ready, we're going to the field."   
"NOOO!" I cried. "ANYTHING BUT THAT!"   
  
After literally dragging me down the steps of Kakariko Village, we appeared at a big...flat... GREEN place.   
"This is the field," Link said. "Nice, huh?"  
"This... this is IT?" I cried in exasperation. "Where are the demons?"   
"There goes a rabbit now," Link said, pointing to a small furry thing that scampered by.   
"And what about the tall things?"   
Yumi flew over to a tall stick-like thing. "There's one right here! This is a tree!"   
I was really confused.   
"And this is a bush," Link said, pointing to a small green fuzzy looking thing.   
"Well, this doesn't look so bad!" I said. "But... where is Geroodoo Valley?"   
"Gerudo," Link corrected. "And it's a long way that way." He pointed off towards the west.   
"How do we get there? Are we going to... walk?" I gulped.   
"No way! That would take us days!" Link chuckled. "We're going to ride Epona!"   
"What's an Epona?" I asked.   
Link pulled out his Ocarina and played a few notes. They seemed to resonate for miles and miles...   
Suddenly I heard a horrible noise. I heard pounding footsteps, like a dragon or something! And then... the scariest thing I had ever seen appeared near me!   
"AIIIIIIIIEEE!" I squealed.   
The thing made the noise again, and I screamed and stepped back. "WHAT IS THAT?"  
"That," Link said, "Is Epona, my trusty horse and partner."   
"THAT'S a horse?" I said. "Gee, I thought they were scarier than that!"   
Yumi giggled. "No way!"  
I examined Epona carefully. "Well, how does it work?"  
"SHE," Link corrected. "It's a she."   
"Oh. How does SHE work?"   
Link rolled his eyes. "Wow, you really are isolated..."   
He stepped up to the horse and lifted his leg up into a small strap. Then, he hopped over its back and sat on it. "Like this. Then you pat her, and she runs and carries me with her!"   
"Hmm..." I said.   
Link patted Epona on the back. "Come on, LL. Hop up."   
I walked over to the side and lifted up my foot. Unfortunately, when the straps are 2 feet off the ground and your foot only goes 1, there's no way you can make it.   
"I can't get up!" I said.   
"OK, well... I know!" Link said. He hopped off Epona and pointed to my neck. "Use your medallion."  
"Ya mean... turn into Doseki?" I asked worriedly.   
"Why not?"   
"I'm worried... I won't be able to turn back!" I cried.   
"You will, don't worry!" Link assured me.   
"Oh, FINE!" I said. I lifted up the medallion. "But I'm not going to be flipping back and forth all the time, just to let you know!"   
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, TRANSFORM!"  
  
~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~  
  
I opened my eyes, and was immediately two and a half feet taller. I was seeing through Doseki's eyes for the first time since I found my way back to normal.  
"I still don't like the way my voice sounds..." I whined.   
"It's a Canadian accent, it's cute!" Yumi protested.   
"And I will NEVER get used to this hair!"   
"Oh, quit bickering. Just get on the horse and let's get moving!" Link snapped.   
"OK, OK, jeez!" I got up on the horse, and to be perfectly frank, freaked out to see how high I was.   
"Whoa... why is she so tall?" I moaned.   
"Calm down, you won't fall," Link said. "Hey Doseki, do me a favor and pat her on the butt for me. I can't reach over you,"   
I shrugged and reached back, patting Epona on the butt. Suddenly, she made that terrible noise again and split off running as fast as she could.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" I screamed. "AAAAAHHHHHHHH! MAKE HER STOP! SHE'S GOING TOO FAST!"  
"We can't slow down, Doseki! We only have six more days until the virus destroys time!" Link explained. "And please, stop screaming."   
  
After a while, I got used to riding Epona, and I even had a little fun. We went down a long slope near some reddish brown rocks, and I whooped as we went down.   
"WOOOHOOOO!" I cheered.   
"OK, next right, Gerudo Valley," Link called back.   
"My butt hurts!" I whined. "Epona is bouncing too much!"  
"Only a little longer, Doseki."   
I thought for a minute, and decided that my butt wouldn't be sore if I was still a Goron... And anyway, I WAS already on the horse! There's no way I would have to get on again!  
But of course, Link would be angry...   
"Hey Link, can I be a Goron again now?" I asked.   
"No, Doseki. You're too heavy, and Epona can't carry us both!"  
"But..."  
"No, Doseki. And don't even try it!"   
I snorted and leaned back on Epona. Why was he always ordering me around anyway?   
I looked at Epona's legs, still running at top speed. She looked strong enough to carry us both! Link didn't know what he was talking about!  
I picked up my medallion again, and whispered, "Innocence Medallion, Return!"   
  
~*~*~*~*POOOOF!*~*~*~*~  
  
As soon as the smoke cleared, Epona neighed in fear and skidded to a halt.   
"AAAAHHH!" Link screamed. "LL! NO! YOU'RE TOO HEAVY!"   
Epona whinnied and I felt the horse lurching backwards. She sat down on the ground quickly under my weight, and threw Link and me backwards.   
"AAAHHHHHH!" we both cried, and suddenly, I hit something hard. Then, Link crashed into me, smashing me into the tree.   
  
I was stunned by the blow, but I could see Epona sit up, and gallop away.   
Link quickly stood up and rubbed his head, just in time to see his horse running away.   
"EPONA! COME BACK HERE!" he yelled.   
Yumi flew out of Link's hat, looking rumpled. "Hey, keep it on the road, I'm in the hat back here!"   
Link watched Epona gallop away, and turned back to me, still on the ground. "YOU!" he cried.   
"What?" I said. "She looked strong enough!"   
"You idiot! I told you not to do it! Why don't you listen to me?" he screamed. "ALL of our stuff was on Epona! Now, we are stuck here!"   
"We CAN walk, ya know..." Yumi whispered to him.   
"Shut up, Princess... uh, Yumi!" Link shouted. Then he turned back to me.   
"You had better have a GOOD explanation for this!"   
"I... I... I'm sorry..." I mumbled.   
"Sorry doesn't bring our stuff back, LL! I can't have you acting like an idiot and ruing our mission!"   
"And IDIOT?" I cried. "You... you're calling me an idiot?"   
"YES!" Link screamed.   
I choked on my own tears. "I'm not an idiot!"   
"Yes, yes you are!" Link cried. "You're an idiot, and I can't believe that Destiny is forcing me to work with you!"  
I made a little cry and covered my face. "I'm not an idiot! And... Destiny wants us to work together so we can stop the virus!" I wailed.   
"Well, I don't see how working with you is going to accomplish anything!" Link snapped, turning away.   
"I... I... I..." my voice was quivering. "I can't believe that Daddy EVER wanted you for a Brother!"   
"WHAT? What makes me the wrong one here, LL?"   
I stood up defiantly. "Ever since I was a kid, Daddy was always saying, 'Oh, Link the Dodongo Buster really saved our hides!' and 'Oh, that Link... what a great guy!' and 'Oh, Link is the best hero ever! Almost better than the great Darmani!'"  
"Yeah, so?" Link said.   
"Well... All this entire trip, all you've done is yell at me, and yell at me, and yell at me!" I yelled. "I... And I don't see what my Daddy saw in you at all!"   
"WHAT?"   
"You're no hero!" I snapped. "A hero is someone who saves people, no matter what! A person who is brave and strong and kind is a hero! Well... You're no hero at all, Link! All you are is... IS A JERK!"   
I stomped over and shoved him out of the way. I was going to Gerudoo or whatever it was Valley to save the world whether or not Link was there!   
"LL, no! You can't go alone!" Link yelled after me.   
"Why do you care? I'm just an idiot!" I retorted.   
"The Gerudos! They hate men and kids! And Gorons! You can't go in alone!"   
"I know Nabooru, she'll let me in!" I said smugly.   
"But you can't go all by yourself!" Link called.   
"I'm not going by myself!" I said. "Come on, Yumi!"   
Yumi zoomed after me, and blew a raspberry at Link.   
  
We arrived in the valley a few minutes later. The walls were red, and the floor was gritty and gravely.  
It was just about sundown. I shivered, because it was getting a little cold.   
"I don't know... maybe we shouldn't have left Link by himself!" Yumi said warily.   
"Oh, he's just a big mean jerk!" I said. "I want to change my name!"   
"Should I just call you Little?" Yumi asked jokingly.   
"No, I want to be... Little Darunia! After my Dad!"   
"OK LL... Uh, LD. Whatever you want!"   
In front of us there was a plateau with a small bit of water at the bottom. A wooden plank led up to the top where we would be able to keep going.   
"I... I don't like water... or heights... but especially not water at the bottom of a large height..." I whimpered.   
"LD, why don't you turn into Doseki for this one?" Yumi suggested. "I mean, no offense, but Doseki's a lot less clumsy than you. And, well..."  
"Sure," I said.   
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION TRANSFORM!"   
  
~*~*~*~*POOF!*~*~*~*~  
  
I shook off the dizziness, then stepped up to the plank.   
"Hmm..." I said quietly. "This may be a while..."   
"Just put one foot in front of the other!" Yumi said. "It's easy, you can do it!"   
I took my first step onto the plank. It wobbled.   
"WHOA!" I ducked down.   
"Come on Doseki, keep your head!" Yumi said into my ear.   
"OK... suck it up... rise above it..." I said to myself.   
I slowly crawled inch by inch until I reached the top.  
"PHEW!" I sighed.   
"You did it Doseki!" Yumi cheered.   
"And without stupid old what's-his-name, too!" I added. We started walking- Er, I walked, Yumi flew.   
"Wow, that was the scariest thing that I've ever...   
AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
Right in front of us was a bridge, crossing over a canyon. Not just any canyon...   
A 1500 FOOT TALL, 16 AND A HALF FEET WIDE CANYON OVER A HUGE, GIGANTIC, RAGING RIVER OF DEATH!  
"OH MY GOSH!" I screamed. I hunkered down. "Oh no, no, no, no, no!"   
"Wowee, that is one big cliff!" Yumi whistled.  
"I can't do it!" I cried. "I can't cross it!"   
"Look Doseki, it's a big bridge! You can make it!" Yumi said, patting me on the back with her tiny hand.   
"I... can't!" I said.   
"Come on Doseki, just go!" Yumi said. "Prove it to everyone that you're a man too, just like your Daddy!"   
I sighed. "OK... here goes..."   
"Just don't look down!" Yumi added.   
I took the first big step onto the bridge. It seemed steady.   
"PHEW! It looks safe," I said.   
I took a few steps onto the bridge, when I heard a creak. I stopped short.   
"Yumi... what was that?" I said quietly.   
"Nothing, just a noise!" Yumi said.   
"Oh..." I replied. I took a step forward and...   
CRACK!  
  
I squealed in fear and felt my foot sink through a plank of rotting wood on the bridge.   
"AAAAH! AAAAH! YUMI, I'M GONNA FALL!" I shrieked.   
"No, no, you're not! Calm down!"   
I screamed a little more, than I felt a sharp slap on my face.   
"GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!" Yumi cried.   
"My foot... it's stuck!" I said, a little calmer.   
"It's OK Doseki, just take it easy... pull up on your foot as hard as you can!"   
I tried, but it wouldn't budge.   
"All my weight is on one foot!" I said. "Let me change and..."  
CRACK!  
"AAAAAH!"   
My other foot slipped through the wood. I was stuck!   
I could feel the wood weakening under me. Any second, I would slip and be stuck up to my waist!  
"Yumi... I'm not strong enough to pull up my legs!"   
"Don't worry, I'll call for help!" Yumi said. "Just be sure not to say... those words!"  
"What words?"   
"You know, those one words..."   
"You mean 'Innocence Medallion, Return?'"   
  
~*~*~*~*POOF!*~*~*~*~  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"   
The rest of the wood gave way, and I felt myself slipping down.  
"LD, no!" Yumi shouted.   
"HEEEEEEEEELP!" I cried. "HEEEEEEEEEELP!"   
"SOMEONE HELP!" Yumi yelled, flying all around.   
I barely caught the edge of the plank. I was hanging by my fingers!   
"Yumi, I'm slipping! CATCH ME!" I cried.   
"Get real, LD! YOU WEIGH 600 POUNDS!"   
"HEEEELP! I CAN SENSE IT! THE ICY BREATH OF DEATH!"   
Yumi stood for a second. "But that means... I'm your guardian fairy! I'M GONNA DIE, TOO!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" we both screamed.   
"Oh, hold on, LD! You can do it!" Yumi shouted.   
The plank creaked again.   
"OH MAN! OHHHHHHHH!" I cried. "YUMI, THIS IS IT!"   
I could feel the wood giving in...  
"TELL DADDY I LOVE HIM!" I screamed.   
"I CAN'T, I'M GONNA DIE TOO!" Yumi screamed back.   
  
Suddenly...   
The wood split.   
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" I screamed.   
I was in the air! There was nothing there but a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG way down...   
Suddenly, I heard someone else scream.   
I felt something snatching me out of the air by my arm.   
I WAS HOLDING STILL!   
"HEEEEEEELP!" I shouted.   
I shut my eyes tight. I could feel myself being lifted up by some unseen force...   
Suddenly, I was on land again!   
I opened one eye. I saw Yumi right in my face. "Oh LD! You're OK!"  
"LD? Who is that?" another voice said.   
I looked behind me.   
There, kneeling on the bridge and wearing some kind of shiny gold gauntlets, was Link!   
"Are you all right?" he said, sounding as sincere as I had ever heard him this whole trip.   
"I... I think I wet myself..."   
"As long as you're OK," Link said. He kind of laughed and sighed.   
"Link... you came back?" I said, kind of surprised.   
"Of course! I heard screaming, and I came just in time to see you slip under the bridge."   
"But you think I'm an idiot..." I said sadly.   
"Only sometimes. You're not an idiot, L... whoever you wanna be now."   
"I'm LL," I said. "Not Little Darunia, Little Link."   
Link stood up. "I thought about what you said out there... about the hero thing... and you're right, I have been kind of hard on you..."   
"It's OK," I said.   
"No, it's not. I promise I'll try to be nicer to you now, OK? Just as long as you listen to me. Do we have a deal?"   
"It's a deal!" I said. "Brother..."   
"I'm not your brother," Link chuckled.   
"Yes you are, you're my Sworn Brother Link, the Dodongo Buster and Hero of the Gorons!"   
Link sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm never going to hear the end of that, am I?"   
"No," I said. "But... Link? What about your Epona?"  
"Oh, it's all right. I can just call her back with that song anytime, I just overreacted." Link said. "Don't worry about it."  
"I'm just glad everyone is OK!" Yumi beamed.   
  
THAT NIGHT...  
  
We walked into Gerudo Fortress, a big stone building built into a cliff. There were women all around, and a large gate on the west side of the fortress led to some big sandy area.   
"Are the Gerudo nice?" I asked.   
"Depends," Link replied. "But I'm a member, so they'll be nice to me."   
Yumi burst out laughing. "You're a member of an all-woman group? AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"   
"Oh, shut up! It was an inevitable thing." Link shrugged.  
As we approached the fortress, a young woman Gerudo in a pink outfit with blazing red hair walked out. When she saw us, she turned and ran towards us.   
"Kid! I mean, uh... Link!" she cried.   
"Hi Nabooru, how are you?" Link said.   
"I'm fine. But what brings you to this part of the world?"   
"Oh, LL and me are on a mission," Link said.   
"LL? OH! You're Darunia's kid, aren't ya?" Nabooru said, looking at me.   
"Yep," I said. "You must be Nabooru, the Sage of Spirit! Daddy talks about you all the time!"   
"Aww..." Nabooru smiled.   
"He says you're a klepto!"   
Nabooru kind of grinned and then scowled. "He's going to get it... Well, you're a cute one, LL."   
"Thank you!" I grinned.   
"So Link, ya wanna come in for some chow?" Nabooru asked as we walked past all the Gerudo guards.   
"Uh, sure. But let me ask you something first..." he replied.   
"Yeah?"  
"Has anything..." he leaned towards her. "Has anything WEIRD happened around here lately?"   
"Nothing out of the ordinary... but... oh there's all these weird people here now!" Nabooru said.   
"Like who?" I asked.   
"Well... come on in to the dining room, and I'll show you!" Nabooru said, motioning us to follow.  
  
After a long walk through many twisting tunnels in the fortress, we appeared in a large well-lit room. Many other Gerudos were eating at a table. But three of them in the corner...   
"Those three," Nabooru whispered. "They just appeared here yesterday morning, and they think they've been here for years!"   
I turned my attention to the three new Gerudo. I immediately recognized all three of them as authors.   
Blossom Waters was trying to eat soup, but the other two, who were quibbling, were making it hard for her.   
Chica burst out laughing at a comment by Angered Fairy, and the two of them started shouting again.   
Angered Fairy was the loudest. "Yeah right, Meli! I fight a LOT better than you!"   
"Oh sure, Lili! I scored the most money from those Zora salesmen the other day!" Chica (Or Meli, as she was going by) retorted.   
"Both of you, shut up!" Blossom Waters said. "I'm a better thief than both of you, and I got the most money of all of us yesterday!"   
This caused an uproar with the rest of the Gerudo, and soon, they were all screaming and slapping and pulling hair.   
"Boy, dinner sure is lively around here, huh?" Yumi said.   
Nabooru shrugged. "They should all quit fighting. I'M the best thief around."  
All of the Gerudos stopped their argument, turned towards Nabooru, and shouted, "YEAH RIGHT!"   
"Nabooru, we have an explanation for you, but it may not make a lot of sense." Link told her.   
"Well, is it really confusing?" Nabooru asked.   
"Yes, it is! I still don't get it!" I commented.   
"It's also private. Let's head somewhere else," Link added.   
  
"So... let me get this straight... All of the authors from Fan Fiction.net were sucked into Hyrule by this virus..."  
"Right," Link said.   
"And they all lost their memories, and think they're natural citizens..."  
"Correct," Yumi said.   
"And if you don't find five more Author Sages by 6 days from now, time will be messed up and we'll be forced to relive the past over and over?"   
"Exactly," I said.   
Nabooru's eyes widened. "For seven years, I was a monster..."   
Then, she freaked. Grabbing Link by the collar and shaking him, she screamed, "YOU HAVE GOT TO FIND THOSE SAGES!"   
"I know, I know!" he said. "And to make things even weirder, we find out that LL here is a Sage of Innocence, and he can turn into an, in his own words 'Hot and tempting Canadian accent speaking human'!"   
"Wow, that is weird..." Nabooru said. "How hot and tempting?"  
"Sorry Nab, but there are some more important things at hand." Link said. "And we have a basic idea of where the next temple is, but we can't find exactly where!"   
"That's a problem," Nabooru said, standing up off of her bed. "Hey, I know!"   
"WHAT?" Link and I asked at the same time.   
"I'm a Sage! I can use my power and see if I can find out anything for you!" Nabooru said, snapping her fingers. "Impa can see visions, why can't I?"   
"Link..." I whispered. "Who's Impa?"   
"That would be helpful, Nabooru," Link said.   
"OK... let me concentrate..." she said, sitting back on the bed.   
She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes. Then, she turned and glared at us.   
"Come on boys, out!"   
"Why?" I asked.   
"I don't feel comfortable when people WATCH me use my Sage powers!" Nabooru said, as if stating the obvious.   
"Oh, sorry," I murmured.   
Link and I walked out of the room, and Yumi followed us. Nabooru walked after us and slammed the door shut.   
  
After about 10 minutes, Nabooru opened the door. Her eyes were wide.   
"Wow... I'm never doing that again!" she said.   
"Well, what did you see?" Link asked impatiently.   
"Three figures... They were standing by the Spirit Temple... there was a flash of light, and then one of them vanished!" Nabooru said. "Then I passed out..."   
"Fascinating," Link said, rolling his eyes.   
"Hey man, don't diss the POWERS!" Nabooru yelled.   
"Well... can we go to the Spirit Temple tomorrow?" I asked Link.  
"Sure," Link said. "The temple is somewhere around there."  
"Well, until then..." Nabooru started. She kneeled down and put an arm around my shoulder. "You look pretty tired, LL."   
"I am," I said. "I'm up past my bedtime..."  
Nabooru giggled, and snapped her fingers. Two Gerudos in purple clothing ran in.   
"Yes, O exalted one Nabooru?" one of them asked.   
"Could you show Link and Little Link here to a room? They'll be staying the night," Nabooru said.   
"Yes, your exaltedness," the other one said.   
They motioned for us to follow. Link went first.   
"Goodnight Nabooru!" I called.   
"Goodnight Link, Little Link!" Nabooru called back.  
  
THE NEXT DAY...  
  
I woke up when I sat up and fell off of the bed Nabooru had provided for us. "OWWWW!" I wailed.   
I looked around the room. Link was nowhere to be seen!  
I stood up, picked up some gravel off the floor to snack on, and decided to go looking for Link.   
I peered out the window, and was surprised to see all of the Gerudo outside in a large group. Nabooru and Link stood in the center, and Nabooru was barking orders to the rest.   
  
After wandering around the fortress for a while, I found my way outside to the group.   
"You two," Nabooru said, pointing to two Gerudos in white. "Go search around the river! Dira, Inda, you two go look around the field."  
Link had a stern look on his face. I tugged his sleeve. "Link, what's going on?"   
"Chica, Angered Fairy, and Blossom Waters disappeared last night!" he said. "They think they got lost in the desert!"  
"OH NO!" I cried. "What if they never get found?"   
"Relax, relax, Nabooru is sending out Gerudos to look for them now."   
I sighed and sat down in the sand. Suddenly, I remembered Nabooru's vision! Three figures near the Spirit Temple... and one disappeared!   
Seconds later, I heard a horrible moan.   
"AAAAAH!" I shrieked. I spun around, and saw a Gerudo girl just in time to see her faint near the gate to the desert.   
"Hey, look!" I cried.   
The others turned and gasped. All 25 Gerudos, Nabooru, and Link raced over to her.   
It was Angered Fairy!   
"Get her some water!" Nabooru cried.   
"What happened?" a Gerudo asked quickly.   
"Tira and Meli and me..." she moaned. "We went out in the desert to prove who was the best... and we got separated!"   
"Oh no!" I said. "That means they're lost!"   
"Someone has to go out and find them!" Nabooru said. "They're not even real Gerudos, they're in BIG trouble if they're dumb enough to go into the Spirit Temple... if they even made it that far..."  
"We'll go!" I said. "Link and me! We gotta go anyway!"  
"That's right," Link said. "LL and me, we'll go find them!"   
"Hey, who cares about them? I WANT SOME WATER!" Angered Fairy choked.   
"Are you sure? Do you want one of us to come?" another Gerudo asked.   
"We'll be OK," Link said. "Come on, LL, Yumi! We gotta get moving!"   
"HEY! WHERE'S MY WATER?" Angered Fairy screamed after us.   
  
We had just turned off on the path to the "Haunted Wasteland" as Link called it, when he stopped us. "I don't even want to try crossing the sand with someone as heavy as you!" he said. "No offense, but..."   
"Yeah, I get it..."   
  
~*~*~*POOF!*~*~*~  
  
"OK, let's hurry!" I said. "Who knows where they are now?"  
  
A few steps later, we were in a huge, sandy, stormy BLAH area. Nothing but sand as far as you could see!   
"Once we pass this first crate, DO NOT go any further!" Link yelled. "I'm serious this time!"   
"I'll listen to you from now on!" I said.   
Once we passed the crate, I saw a large dip in the sand.   
"It's the River of Sand!" Yumi cried. "You can't walk on it, or you'll slip and sink down!"   
Link pulled out the hook thingy on a chain. "Grab on!" he said.   
I grabbed his sleeve, and he fired it (the hook, not his sleeve!) at a crate across the river.   
We went flying over it.   
"WOOOOO!" I cried. "AGAIN!"   
"No time, come on! Follow me closely!" Link ordered.  
We wandered through what seemed like circles for about half an hour, and finally, I saw something in front of us besides sand.   
"Hey, there's a building!" I called.   
"I know, now we have to go on top, and..."   
  
"Link! Doseki! Look up here!" someone yelled.   
We peered up onto the top of the building, to see who else but Sheik!   
Sheik flipped down, and motioned for us to follow him. "Here, inside this fort! We can talk there!"   
I passed through the doorway and climbed down a long ladder to the basement. Well, I TRIED to climb down, but I slipped and tumbled down to the hard stone floor.   
"OOF!"   
"Are you all right?" Sheik asked.   
"I'm... fine!" I groaned. "My... spleen!"   
Link dropped down, and Yumi after him, and Sheik bowed to us. "I see you have found the right way to the next temple."  
"It wasn't easy!" Yumi laughed.   
"Yeah, yeah, well, I suppose you've heard about the three Gerudo girls. You know that all three of them are really authors?"   
"Yeah, we know," Link said, hurrying him on.   
"Well, I bet you didn't know that one of them is the next Sage!"   
"REALLY?" all three of us said at once.  
"Yes. Now, for my little philosophical muse thing I am required by contract to say."  
He pulled out a long piece of paper and started to read off of it.   
"It is something we need to live. The energy to function, the energy to love, the energy to create. From the deepest depths of the soul, your energy comes to assist your mind and body to create, to love, to live. This is the Etude of Energy. Remember this song well, because you must use it to open the door to the temple in the sand."  
He pulled out his lyre/harp/lute/ukulele thing, and played the song.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
__________________________________________  
______________^____^________________________  
__________________________________________  
________________________V____V____V__________  
__________________________________________  
  
Link repeated the melody on his Ocarina, and I tried my best on my drum.   
Soon, we had it down, and Sheik put his lyre/harp/lute/ukulele thing. "Good. Now, Link knows the song to take you the rest of the way to the temple. Once there, you must find the correct spot in the sand, and play the Etude of Energy to uncover the temple."  
"Got it!" I said.   
"Good. Link, Doseki, I'll see you again at the next temple."  
Sheik took a few steps back, threw a marble at the ground, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.   
Link scratched his head. "OK... right... the song... uh..."   
"You don't know it, do you?" Yumi laughed.   
"I know it! I just... Forgot?"   
After a few minutes of pondering, Link pulled out his Ocarina. "There we go! I know!"   
He played the song, and then, an orange glow surrounded us. The inside of the fort began to vanish, and seconds later, we appeared near a huge towering mountain with a Gerudo woman carved onto the front of it.   
  
"One of these palm trees!" Link said.   
"One problem." I replied.   
There had to be at least 25 palm trees around the oasis!   
We were wondering which tree to start at when we heard a moan.   
Yumi gasped. "GUYS! LOOK! OVER THERE!"   
Blossom Waters lay propped against a tree, and we rushed over to her.   
"You came to save me!" she gasped.   
"Where's the other one? Chic- uh, MEli?" Link asked.   
"We... we were walking, and it was incredible! The sand just formed a huge whirlpool... and it swallowed her up!" Blossom said.   
"Oh no!" I moaned.   
"Um, I'm worried about Meli and everything, but could you PLEASE get me some water?" Blossom asked angrily.   
Link pulled an empty bottle out of his pocket, handed it to Blossom, and played "The Song of Storms" on his Ocarina.   
It began to thunder, and rain poured down in sheets! The bottle filled up with water, and Blossom grinned.   
"Hey, thanks!" she said. "Now, hurry! You gotta find Meli!   
"OK, now where do we start..." Link pondered out loud.   
"Um, hey, guys?" Blossom called.   
"What?" I called back.   
"Not to be annoying or anything, but... I was wondering if you could PLEASE hurry up and find Meli... because... I... well, call me crazy, but I think something really bad is going to happen to her if you don't find her!"   
"Why is that?" Link asked.   
"Well... again, call me crazy, but... as soon as the whirlpool appeared... I heard an evil voice laugh, and I heard Meli scream, and I hear someone say...   
'No one can stop me from destroying Hyrule this time!'"  
  
  
  
Well, THAT'S something you don't wanna hear when you're trying to save the world! Where did Chica disappear to? Will Link and Doseki and Yumi EVER find the correct palm tree? And most importantly... Who is the evil voice?   
  
Find out the answer to SOME of these questions in the next chapter:  
  
ENERGY AHOY!  
  
-or-   
  
THE WEIRDEST TEMPLE YET TO BE DISCOVERED IS DISCOVERED!  
  
  



	7. The Weirdest Temple Yet To Be Discovered...

Sage of Innocence Saga -OR- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl and Little Link of the Gorons  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN: ENERGY AHOY! -OR- The Weirdest Temple Yet To Be Discovered Is Discovered  
  
DISCLAIMER: Many fine people own Nintendo and the Zelda empire. I am not one of them. Many fine authors write on FanFiction.net and appear in this story. I do not own any of them. A very nice author wrote this story and made up the seven extra temples. Hey, guess what? I DO OWN HER! SHE IS ME!  
  
  
  
Link's eyes widened. "A... voice?"  
"Yeah," Blossom said. "It was a really creepy voice! Drove shivers down my spine..."   
"That proves it!" I cried. "Someone is behind this whole virus thing!"   
"SOMEONE started this virus..." Link said quietly. "And Someone is going to sit back and watch as time screws itself up..."  
"Ganondorf!" I yelled. "It's him, isn't it?"  
"That scumbag!" Link sneered. "Well, we'll make sure he doesn't get his way!"   
"WAIT!" Yumi shrieked. "Ganondorf is part of our game too! Why would he want to mess up the flow of time?"  
"So he could be an Evil King again, DUHHH!" Link said.   
"No, but you killed him too! Why would he want to die again?"   
Link was about to say something, then he stopped. He thought for a minute, then grabbed my arm.   
"Let's... go find that temple now..." he murmured.   
  
We ran up to the first palm tree we saw. "OK, let's try this one," Link said.   
He pulled out his Ocarina and started the song, then stopped. "Doseki... uh, a little accompaniment here is in order."   
"Oh, sorry!" I laughed. I grabbed my drum and we played the song.   
Suddenly, the sands shifted and...  
A large cactus-like thing popped out of the sand and angrily charged us.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCK!" I screamed. I leaped backwards into Link's arms.   
"Oh would you get off me?" he cried, throwing me down. I stood up and backed away.  
"It's a Leever!" Yumi said. "It'll chase you, but if you're careful, you can avoid it."  
"It's s-s-s-scary!" I shrieked.   
"Oh, don't be silly!" Yumi laughed. She flew down towards the Leever, made a face, and shouted, "BOO!"  
The Leever squeaked and vanished below the sand.   
I sighed and shook my head. "I don't like the monsters here! I'd rather see a Dodongo or a big, ugly Keese any day!"   
"What monsters? We haven't seen ANY monster yet on our trip to the desert!" Link chuckled. "OK, let's move to the next tree."  
We walked over to the next tree. Link and I played the song again, but nothing happened.   
Tree after tree, we moved around, playing the Etude of Energy until I memorized it. And I had yet to see even one shred of evidence that there was a temple below the sand.   
"This is ridiculous!" I whined. "There are like, a billion palm trees here, and one of them supposedly has a temple near it! We're never gonna find the temple at this rate!"   
"But Doseki, what about Meli? Or, Chica, or whatever you're calling her?" Yumi asked. "We have to find her!"   
"Oh come on Doseki, one more palm tree." Link said. "Then, we can take a break, all right?"  
I shook my head. "Oh, fine."   
Link led me to a palm tree directly across from what looked like a statue of a huge Pi symbol in the sand near the Spirit Temple.  
"How come all THOSE temples are so easy to see, and we have to go looking for three hours for this one?" I whined.   
"Oh, cut it out! You're starting to sound like me!" Link said.   
We played the Etude of Energy one more time, and I sat and watched in amazement as nothing happened.   
"Well, no temple here. Let's..."  
Suddenly, I felt a tremor in the ground.   
  
The sand started to shift, and what felt like an earthquake or my dad rolling down a hill began to toss Link and me around.   
"Whoa!" Link cried. "Doseki, hold on to the tree!"   
He didn't have to tell me twice! We both grabbed on to the trunk of the palm tree for dear life.   
The sand began to move downwards, creating a huge sinkhole in the ground. I could feel myself being pulled downwards. "Whoa Link! I'm slipping!"   
"Me too!" he yelled back.   
The sand was moving faster and faster, and like a heavy stream of water, it was pulling at us, until finally, we were both holding on by only our fingers.   
"Hold on Doseki! Whatever you do, don't let go!" Link called. "If you slip, you'll be sucked under the sand until you suffocate to death!"   
"Oh, that makes me feel SO much better!" I groaned.   
"Hey, does your dad like you using such sarcasm?" Link grumbled.   
"I learned it from you!" I yelled.   
"Boys, this isn't the time!" Yumi cried. "I'll see if I can stop you from slipping!"   
"Get real Yumi, we weigh 150 pounds each!" Link and I shouted.   
Link turned to say something to Yumi, but accidentally slipped.   
"AAH!" he cried, as he began to sink into the sand and move in towards the sinkhole.   
I quickly let go of the tree and grabbed Link's arm with my left hand.   
"Hold on!" I yelled. "I'll save... YOUUUUUU!"  
Too bad Link was so heavy and I was so weak in this body. Otherwise, it would have made a great movie sequence.   
We both began drifting downwards towards the center of the sinkhole.   
"Doseki, hold on!" he said. "Maybe I can reach my Longshot..."   
He couldn't.   
"Link... I'm sorry I was such a pain!" I yelled over the rumbling of the earth.   
"I'm sorry I was so impatient!" Link screamed. "Goodbye, cruel world!"   
"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" I cried.   
I clutched my Little Giant sword and thought of everyone who would miss me. My Dad... My Mom, wherever she was... The other Gorons... Galaxy Girl...   
"GOODBYE LIIIIIIIIIIIIII..."  
  
CLUNK!  
  
"OWWWW!" I moaned.   
The rumbling had stopped. I looked up towards the top of the sinkhole. We weren't moving!   
I looked behind us. A huge tan stone wall was stopping us.   
I stood up and turned around. A stone fortress tower, about 6 by 6 feet and 10 feet tall had risen out of the sand at the bottom of the sinkhole. A small circular stone was sticking out of the side. A tornado was inscribed on the stone, and cut out door led inside the fortress.   
"Wow, we're saved!" I cheered.   
Link stood up. "Hey... Kinda small for the Energy Temple, don't ya think?"  
"Oh well." I said. "At least we found it!"   
"Well now... what say we enter?" Yumi asked.   
"Sounds good." I said, wiping the sweat off my forehead. "It's too hot out here!"   
"I doubt that an ancient temple will have air conditioning!" Link moaned.   
"It will still be cooler inside!" I pointed out.   
  
We stepped inside the fortress and were amazed to find... nothing.   
"Well, interesting temple!" Link said, rolling his eyes.   
"No, something's not right..." I said, scratching my head and looking around.   
Yumi flew down near the floor. "Hey guys, this floor has a trap door in it!" she said.  
"How do we spring it?" Link asked.   
"Let me try something," I said. I sat down on the floor and curled up into a ball.   
Link stared at me, then I stood up. "Oops, forgot. INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!"   
  
~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~  
  
I opened my eyes as a Goron and sat back down. "OK, THIS is what I wanted to do!"   
I curled up into a ball, flung myself in the air, and slammed back down as hard as I could.   
Nothing happened.   
"Hmm..." I thought. "I wonder what's wrong..."  
"Turn back into a person, I got an idea, but you need fingers!" Link said.   
I did so.  
  
~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~  
  
"What?"   
"OK, here. Take this bomb, light it with this match, and set it next to my bomb on the floor."   
I took the heavy bomb and looked over it. "Hey, it says 'Fresh Homegrown On Death Mountain, Hyrule!'"   
"I only buy Goron bombs," Link chuckled.   
I set down the bomb, lit the match, and then Link and I ran out of the fortress.   
A big BOOM sounded, and we ran inside to see the interior scorched, but no change in the surface of the floor.   
"Well sheesh!" Link said. "The temple has to be around here SOMEWHERE!"   
"What if we do this?" Yumi asked, smacking into a switch shaped like an eye on the wall above us.  
The trap door clicked, and the floor beneath us disappeared.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-OOF!"   
  
I sat up and rubbed my head. I had landed on my keys!   
"OWWW! Enough falling, please!" I moaned.   
"Doseki, get up!" Link cried.   
"Why?" I asked. "I just fell really hard!"   
"Just get up!" he said.   
I stood up and looked up at the trap door. Link grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face the room we had landed in.   
"What the... WOW!"   
The room was wide open and made of tan sandstone. Two doors sat on each side of the wide room, but that's not what caught my attention.   
A gigantic, spinning sand tornado was spinning at the far end of the room. Three beams fed into it from below, and the tornado seemed to be blocking an exit out of the room on the south side.   
"Wow!" I said. "How... how does the tornado keep going?"   
"That doesn't look like it's been here a while..." Yumi said. "Look, the sand around the floor near it has just shifted. And if it had been spinning a while, all of these columns would have toppled over already from the force!"   
"Thank you, Bill Nye, the Science Guy!" Link said sarcastically.   
"Well, whoever... or whatever sucked Chica into the sand obviously used that tornado to create the whirlpool effect!" I said, having a rare second of genius.   
"Right. So, in order to find where Chica went, we need to get inside that tornado!" Link said, charging at it.   
"NO, YOU MORON!" Yumi shrieked, flying in his face.   
"What?"   
"That tornado must be moving at thousands of miles an hour! If you jump into it, you'll be crushed like a bug!"   
"Then how did Chica get through?" he protested matter-of-factly.   
"Link, THINK!" Yumi shouted. "When Dischord kidnapped GG, he obviously wanted her alive so he could brainwash her so she would protect him! If whatever or whoever it is wanted Chica or Meli to protect him or her or it, Chica or Meli would have to be ALIVE! Capiche?"   
"Oh. I get it," he said. "So far, the minions have wanted the authors to serve them..."  
"Let's see what's in those doors!" I yelled over the roaring of the tornado.  
Link shrugged, and we ran to the right side of the room. The door was barred.   
"Oh goody. A detour," Link moaned.   
We ran back to the other side of the room. That door was open and ready to enter.   
"Let's go!" Yumi said.   
  
The room was small and circular, made with the same kind of stone as the other rooms. There were three doors in this room.   
"They're all open. Which one do we go in?" I asked.   
"Let's see... how about Door #1?" Link said.   
He walked up, opened the door, and revealed a small dead end room filled up with giant, vicious, bloodthirsty, angry and provoked killer...   
"Rabid Crayons?" Link said questioningly.   
The giant red crayons point towards us and zoomed towards Link and the door.   
"YIKES!" he screamed, and he slammed the door shut.   
"Those are Rabid Crayons!" Yumi said.   
"Gee, ya think?" Link said, holding the door.   
"They're stronger than you'd think," she warned.   
"Oh yeah Yumi, like a bunch of killer, evil, rabid crayons can 'scribble' through the door!" Link laughed.   
Suddenly, the wall began to crumble, and a red crayon tip poked in through a large hole.   
"AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!" Link screamed. He pushed up against the door to keep the killer art supplies from getting through, but he was forced to move around to dodge the surfacing crayon tips.   
"Yumi, how do we kill them?" I shouted.   
"I... I don't know!" she yelled. "I can't tell what their weak point is!"   
"SOME FAIRY YOU ARE!" Link yelled, holding the door shut.   
"Well let's think here, Mr. Smart Guy!" Yumi sneered. "They are CRAYONS! They are made of WAX! Heat and fire melts WAX!"   
"Where are we gonna get fire or heat?" I cried. "I don't wanna be scribbled to death!"   
"I can't cast Din's Fire or get to my Fire Arrows in time..." Link yelled.   
"But I have a match!" I said.   
"On the count of three, I'm going to let the door go..." Link warned. "And then, we run for the next door!"   
"I'm not ready!" I wailed, stepping towards the 2nd door.   
"1... 2... 3!" Link screamed as he backed away.   
Seconds later, the Rabid Crayons breached through the door, just as Link was fumbling to open the 2nd door.   
We turned around and watched as the killer crayons approached, growling and snarling and drooling all over.   
"Link..." I whispered. "Sometime today with the door!"   
"It's stuck!" he hissed.   
The crayons got closer, cornering us in the doorway.   
I pulled the unlit match out of my pocket and held it up threateningly. "Uh... nice... killer crayons?" I squeaked.   
The crayons growled and bared their killer teeth, and just when I was sure they were chewing on my neck, I was grabbed from behind by my tunic and yanked through the door.   
  
Link slammed the door shut, and we heard painful growls as the crayons smacked into the door.   
"PHEW!" I said, watching as dents began to appear in the door. "That was pretty scary!" I tucked the match back in my pocket.  
Link tapped my shoulder.   
"What?" I asked.   
"Turn around... slowly..." he gulped.   
I turned around slowly, to find the three of us face to face with a group of about 10 tiny brown paper lunch bags, complete with fangs.   
"Oh SH... eikah!" Link said quietly.   
The paper bags growled and started heading for us. One at a time, they leaped in the air and started spitting ammo at us.   
"What is that?" I yelled as I ducked to avoid a bullet.   
"It's a Lunch Bag. DUH! They shoot really old rotten grapes at their enemies! But we should be able to get to the other side of the room before they kill us..."   
One Lunch Bag jumped up and fired a grape at me. It was too late to duck!   
I thought fast, and using the power of the Spiral Bracelet, I leaned backwards and watched as the grape and all of the Lunch Bags whizzed by over my head in slow motion in Matrix-esque fashion.   
"TTTTTTTHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT'SSSSSS IIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!" Link said in slow motion.   
"What?" I asked in normal speed.   
Time returned to normal and I stood up again.   
"There's a switch over there! Maybe if we press it, we can get rid of all the Lunch Bags and Crayons!"   
We quickly ran across the room, dodging sprays of grapes, and Link stomped on the switch hard.   
A treasure chest rose out of the floor right next to us. A note was pasted to the top.   
IN CASE OF KILLER SCHOOL SUPPLIES, OPEN!  
I shrugged. It seemed like a good time to use it. Link pushed me out of the way threw the chest open.   
Inside was a pair of lovely brand new flame-throwers.   
I grabbed one, Link took the other, and together, we burned us up some Lunch Bags.   
Three were left after the initial flame blast.   
One of them jumped up in front of me and I blew it away.   
I lifted the flame thrower, blew across the barrel, and said in my best Austrian accent, "Hasta La Vista, Bay-BEE!"   
"LINK! DOSEKI! THE CRAYONS!" Yumi shrieked, as a single red crayon tore through the stone door like a knife through butter that had been sitting in Death Mountain Crater for an hour.  
All ten crayons moved into the room threateningly. One charged at Link, and he pulled the trigger on the flame-thrower.   
FWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH went the flame-thrower.   
"AIEEEEEEK!" went the crayon.   
"EWWWWWW!" went Doseki. Er, me. "It got evil red wax on my shoe!"   
Link jumped away from me and took care of two more crayons. I was feeling particularly tough, so I kicked one crayon, blasted another, then melted the one I had kicked.   
"AAAAHAHAHAHAAA! EAT THIS, YOU CHEESE MONKEYS!" Yumi shrieked.   
That author... er, fairy just kept getting weirder and weirder.   
  
In what seemed like no time, there was one large puddle of red wax on the floor, and one large treasure chest emerging out of the floor in front of the flame-thrower chest.  
"After you, my good man!" Link said, motioning to the chest.   
I opened up the chest and pulled out what was inside.   
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! NOW THEY CAN USE IT AS A FIRE-STARTER IF THEY RUN INTO ANY MORE FLAMMABLE VILLAINS! UH... OOPS. I MEAN, NOW THEY CAN SEE ALL THE ROOMS IN THE DUNGEON. DOESN'T MEAN IT'LL BE ANY EASIER, BUT... HEY, WE CAN'T MAKE IT TOO EASY FOR THEM!  
  
I stuffed the map in the pocket of my tunic, and we walked back out into the hallway. The third door was still unopened, and there was no other place to go.   
"We'll try this one," Link said, pulling the door open.   
We breathed a sigh of relief to find nothing behind the door.   
"PHEW! No more evil things!" I said.   
We stepped into the round room, and I noticed another door at the far end.   
"Let's go!" Link said. "This looks like an easy... OW!"   
"Easy OW?" Yumi repeated.  
Link had run out into the room, and crashed into some sort of invisible wall.   
"OWWW, my shoulder!" Link howled. "Hey, what's with this room?"   
"All the walls are invisible!" I said, stepping slowly out into the room.   
Hey Link, where's that little purple thingy you use?"   
"The Lens of Truth? Right here," he said, pulling it out.   
He clicked it on and peered through it, then pointed to the left. "This way... OK, now this way... and then this way... riiiight, and this way..."   
Following him around many twists and turns, we finally reached the door.   
"And now we just... BONK!"   
When I tried to open the door, I smacked my hand into yet another invisible wall, this one blocking the door.   
"D'OH!" Link screamed.   
"Now what do we do?" asked Yumi.   
"Do what any Goron would do: Bomb it!" I cried.   
I grabbed a bomb out of Link's pack, and set it in front of the door.   
"And... DUCK!"   
We leaped away, the bomb exploded, and scorch marks appeared on the invisible door. (If you can imagine that...)  
Link reached for the doorknob, and his hand bounced off. Apparently, the wall was still there.  
"Dang!" I yelled. "Well, now what?"   
"Hey Doseki, why don't you call up GG?" Yumi suggested.   
"What could she do?" Link said.   
I smacked him. "DUUUH! She's a superheroine! She's had to take down more than one wall in her life... maybe she can help us!"   
I dug in my pack until I finally found the silvery blue Galaxy Medallion.   
"Um... how do you work this thing?" I said.   
"I don't know... uh... Gee... Well..." Link picked it up and examined it.   
"Why don't you... no, uh... you should..." Yumi stared at the Medallion.   
Suddenly, it began to glow the same blue as the Medallion itself. In surprise, I dropped the Medallion, and a blue beam of light projected up towards the ceiling. Seconds later, an image that looked like a TV screen appeared. It was GG! She was sitting in her living room, eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese.   
"Uh... GG?" I said.  
"BWAAA!" she shrieked, and turned towards us. She sighed, clutched her chest, and screamed "DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!"   
"Sorry," I said sheepishly.   
GG took a deep breath, set down the mac and cheese, and turned back to the screen.  
"So... what's up with you guys? Didja need something?" she asked.   
"Yeah, uh, we're in the Energy Temple, and we're stuck. There's a brick wall in the way of the door," Link explained.   
"Ohhh... and you wanted to know what to do," she said. "I gotcha..."   
"So what do we do?" I asked.   
"Well, you just gotta..." Suddenly, she turned away from us. "NO! NO! NOT $22,000! YOU'RE BIDDING OVER! NOOOOOO!"  
Link and Yumi raised their eyebrows.   
"She's watching the Price is Right," I said.   
GG turned back towards us. "Oh, sorry. Well, all you gotta do is apply enough force on the wall to break it!"   
"And... HOW do we do that?" Link asked sarcastically. "I already tried a bomb."   
GG thought for a minute. "Hey Doseki, you forgot to return my wand when you saw me!"   
"Oh yeah. Sorry!" I shrugged.   
"It's OK. But that's what you're going to have to do!" she said. "OK, listen to me. Take my wand out of your pocket, or wherever you have it, and point it at the wall."   
I did so.   
"Now, give me a min- SEE? I TOLD YOU TO GO WITH $15,000! NOW YOU'RE A WORHTLESS LOSER GOING HOME WITH NO PRIZES, WHILE YOUR OPPONENT EDNA TAKES HOME THAT SPEEDBOAT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR YOU! GOOD ONE, REGGIE!"  
She suddenly noticed that she had company, and turned around again. "Sorry. OK, just point the wand at the door, and give me a sec."   
I held the wand in place, and I noticed the wand starting to glow.   
Suddenly, I heard GG say quietly, "Acid Light... crumble with might!"   
A blast of light aimed at the wall, and a steady beam of yellow light began to pump into the invisible wall.   
Link gasped. "Wow, it's breaking it!"   
Then, the wall burst into pieces and we felt invisible rubble touching our feet.   
Galaxy Girl blinked, and opened her eyes again. "Did it work?"  
"YEP!" I said. "Thank you SOOOO much!"   
"No problem!" she said. "That's my job as an Author Sage! Anything else?"   
"Uh... could you send me some cookies?" I asked.   
She smiled. "We'll see. Nature Girl and I are going to the Renaissance Festival today, and we gotta meet Ocean Girl in the Turkey Legg Tent in fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going."   
"OK, have fun! And bring me something!" I called.   
"Thanks GG," Link smiled.   
"If you need anything, just give me a ring! Ciao! GG has left the building!" she said, as the image disappeared.   
  
Link reached down and wiggled the door handle.   
"Ya know Link," I said. "I'm really proud of myself in this temple so far."  
"Why is that?" he asked, opening the door and revealing a long ascending hallway.   
We began walking up the stairs. "Well, we've seen lots of scary stuff in this temple, right? And I have to say, I wasn't as scared this time! Those Crayons and Bags were hardly scary at all!"  
Link smiled. "Hey, good job! I'm proud of you!"  
We reached the end of the hall, and found another door. Link reached to open it.   
"A-HAAA!" I laughed. "NOTHING CAN FRIGHTEN THE LIKES OF DOSKEI MUSHA/LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS: WARRIOR OF STONE AND GORON EXTRAORDINAIRE!" I struck a pose.   
Link turned the handle and opened the door.   
"Let's see what's in here for me not to be afraid... afraid...... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The door led out to a narrow platform suspended over a gigantic room. It was at least 500 feet tall, 200 feet wide, and there was no end in sight to the cliff that separated the next platform which was 100 feet away. A narrow plank bridge crossed the gap.   
I could feel my legs turning to jello, and I sunk to the floor in a heap, burying my head in my arms. "I... can't..."  
"Doseki, stand up!" Yumi said, buzzing in my ear.   
"I... am NOT... good with heights..." I wailed. "Bad with water... but especially bad with heights..."  
Link rolled his eyes. "Doseki, you live on a mountain!"  
"I ROLL DOWN IT, I DON'T FALL OFF IT!" I screamed.   
Link patted my head. "Come on, you gotta be brave!"  
"Oh gee," I said sarcastically. "THE LAST TIME I HEARD SOMEONE SAY THAT, I NEARLY TUMBLED 300 FEET TO MY DEATH IN A RIVER!"  
"Oh come on! That couldn't have been more than 299 feet!" Yumi yelled.   
I sat up and crawled over to the edge. Then, I made the horrible mistake of looking down.   
"AIEEEEEEEEEE!" I leaped up and raced back to the door. "Nu-uh! No way! No how! No way I am going over there!"   
Link walked over. He put his arm around my shoulder.   
"DON'T TOUCH ME, I'LL FAAAALL!" I squealed.   
He jumped back. "Uh, OK... Doseki, just take a deep breath, calm down, and walk slowly right behind me."  
"What if I slip?" I wailed.   
"You won't slip, and if you do, I'll save you, OK?"   
I sighed. "OK... but ONLY for Chica... And you have to SWEAR that if I slip, you will catch me..."   
"I will!" he said. "Just do what I do."  
He stepped out onto the plank, and took a few steps forward.   
"Just like that!" he called.   
"Looks easy..." I said. I stepped up to the plank, and stepped onto it.   
"Don't look down!" Link said.   
I closed my eyes, and took a few more steps forward. Then, I opened them.   
"I'm doing it!" I cried. "I'm really facing my fear!"   
Link just kept walking.   
Finally, he reached the other side of the plank. He jumped up onto the platform. "See? It's simple!"   
His boot scraped the side of the wood, and a piece snapped off with a creaking noise.   
I was instantaneously reminded of the bridge incident, and the creaking of the wood just before it snapped.   
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I shrieked. "IT'S CRACKING! IT'S CRACKING!"   
Link jumped back. "No! That was just me! Calm down! It's OK!"   
My screaming startled me and threw off my balance. I started to wobble. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"  
Link yelled and leaped off onto the plank. "DOSEKI GRAB HOLD!" he cried, putting out his hand.   
I was too freaked out. I slipped, and prepared for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG fall, and then a big KER-SPLAT!  
  
"DOSEKIIII! LITTLE LIIINK! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Link screamed.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OW!"  
Except, instead of a long fall and a big KER-SPLAT, I had a short fall and no KER-SPLAT.   
I opened my eyes. Link stood on the plank about, three feet above me. I was lying down on something.   
"Doseki! You're OK!" he cried.   
I stood up very carefully. Link pulled out his Lens of Truth and looked down into the gap.   
"Doseki! There is no gap! Just a three foot drop and more floor!"   
I sighed, and stood up. "Link... That was the second scariest thing I ever did..."   
He reached down and helped me up onto the platform.   
I just kind of lay there for a while, and then sighed.   
"I HATE SAVING THE WORLD!" I yelled.   
"WOW! Doseki, you like... it looked like you were going to die!" Yumi cried.   
"Oh, hush up Yumi!" I screamed.   
"Feeling better?" Link asked.   
"I need to lie down for a while..." I moaned.   
Three seconds later, I stood up. "OK, we can go now."  
  
Link opened up the next door and we descended the circular hallway. "I really, really hope there are no more cliffs..." I moaned.  
"Me too!" Link said.   
"And no more crayons." I added.   
Suddenly, we heard a creak and a scratchy sound from the door we had just entered in.   
I turned around. "Did you guys... hear something?"   
"Yeah," Yumi said. "It sounded like a scratch..."  
We slowly began walking faster and faster.   
Scratch... scratch...  
"BWAAAAA!" I shrieked. "RUN!"  
The three of us sped to the door on the other side of the circular hall. "The door is stuck!" Link yelled, pounding it with his foot.   
The scratching grew louder. Soon, we heard a demented little squeak.   
"What is it?" I gasped. "Is it a snake? Is it a bat?"  
"Don't be ridiculous!" Link said, rolling his eyes.   
"IT'S A CRAYON, ISN'T IT?" I yelled.   
"No, it's not a..."   
A foot-long rabid crayon zoomed down the hallway, appeared in front of us, and turned to face us.  
"Meow," it said.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"   
  
Yumi stole the flame thrower out of my pocket. "TAKE THIS, YOU EVIL..."  
"No, stop!" I cried. I kneeled down towards the tiny red rabid crayon and noticed a tag around its neck.   
I picked up the tag and read it.   
"George the Rabid Crayon. Property of Chica, Tofu Ninja."  
"OH!" I said. "This is Chica... er, uh... yeah, Chica's pet crayon, George!"   
George meowed, and rubbed against Link's leg.  
"Great, a pet crayon. Now, could we please move along and open the door?" Link asked sweetly.   
George stepped in between Link and the door and growled.   
"Come on George, get out of the way!" Link said, pushing the crayon aside.   
George mewed and jumped back in the way.   
"Stupid crayon. Come on, you gotta get outta the way!"  
I grabbed George and held him back. Link wriggled the handle until he finally opened the door.   
  
The room beyond was large and round. There were three doors in this one too. Only, in the way of them, was a huge group of George's larger rabid family.   
They growled maliciously, and charged.   
I sighed, set George down on the floor, and faced Link. "Listen to the crayon. ALWAYS listen to the crayon."   
Flame-throwers in hand, we faced wave after wave of evil crayons. Until there were only ten left.   
Suddenly, I heard a click when I pulled my flame-thrower trigger.   
"UH-OH!" I gulped. "I'm out of fuel!"   
"Me too!" Link cried.   
The crayons growled and moved forward. They were mean, vicious, and ready to eat...  
Link pulled his bow out of his pocket, and pulled back to fire an arrow. But instead of a normal arrow, this one glowed red! He fired at a crayon, and it burst into flames.   
"WHOA!" I cried. "That's awesome!"   
Link quickly shot arrow after arrow at the approaching art supplies, and one by one they melted until only one was left.   
He aimed at the first, and fired. The crayon jumped out of the way, then lunged at me, and latched onto my arm with its evil teeth.  
"GAAAAAAAAAH! IT'S BITING MEEEE!" I squealed. "GETITOFF! GETITOFF!"  
"Doseki, hold still!" Link cried. "I can't get it off if you're flailing like that!"   
I waved my arms around and screamed. I could feel it biting me. "STOP IT! AAAGGGH!"   
Link ran up to me and aimed an arrow right at my arm. "Hold still!"  
"IT'S GONNA HIT MEEE!"  
"HOLD STILL!"  
"GETITOFF! GYAAAAAAA..."  
BAM!  
The arrow hit the crayon, and it melted to wax over my arm. The arrow dropped harmlessly to the floor.   
George whimpered and hid behind me.  
"PHEW!" I sighed. I could see teeth marks on my arm. "That really hurt!"  
"I'm sorry," Link said. "If I hadn't missed, it wouldn't have bitten you."  
Yumi flew up and landed on my arm. "Let's just hope it doesn't turn you into a were-crayon!"   
I gulped. Yumi started laughing. "No, don't worry, they can't do that. The lunch-bags, though..."   
A treasure chest appeared out of the floor. Link kicked it open.  
  
LINK AND DOSKEI FOUND THE COMPASS! NOW THEY CAN SEE STUFF INSIDE THE DUNGEON. WELL I MEAN, THEY COULD SEE IT BEFORE, BUT NOW THEY CAN SEE IT ON THE MAP TOO. I THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT! OH GOOD GRIEF, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!   
  
"Now which door?" I asked, rubbing my arm.   
"Uh... Well, uh... let's try door #3 again. Last time that was right!" Link said.   
He opened up the door, to see a small group of lunch bags.   
"All riiight, I was wrong again,"  
Using his Fire Arrows, he destroyed all five of them, and a chest rose out of the ground.   
"Hmm, I wonder what's in this one?" I said. I opened it up, and pulled out a long, golden sticky kind of thing.   
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE ENERGY STAFF! THIS GOLDEN STICKY KIND OF THING IS A SPECIAL WEAPON THAT CAN SHOOT ENERGY BEAMS AND DO ENERGY TYPE STUFF. FUN, HUH? OH, AND IT BELONGS TO THE SAGE OF ENERGY, WHO I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'VE FIGURED OUT BY NOW, BUT HE/SHE WILL LET YOU BORROW IT FOR A BIT.   
  
"Cool!" I said. "Too bad we don't get to keep it."  
"Oh well, I have enough cool weapons," Link shrugged.   
"I don't."   
"OK, when we get back to a store, I'll buy you some more artillery."  
I nodded. "OK, let's go try door #2."  
  
Back in the big room, Link opened door #2.   
"AHA!" he said. "Another staircase going down! I bet this one goes back to the tornado room!" he said.   
We raced down the hall, George close behind, and found a door at the end.   
"Let's see, where does this go..." Yumi said quietly.   
The door swung open, and sure enough, we were back in the tornado room. This time, on the other side.   
Yumi turned green and flew over to a small crystal on the ground. "Look! This is generating one of the beams that is feeding into the tornado! Maybe if you destroy the crystals, you can stop the tornado and get behind it!"   
"Good idea," I said. "But break them with what?"   
"The Energy Staff!" Link suggested. "We should try to shoot a beam at them!"   
I pulled the long golden sticky type thing out of my pack, and pointed it at a crystal. "OK, now what?"  
George meowed, and bumped the staff with his nose. Two halves clicked and rotated half way around once, then a lime green beam shot out of the sticky thing.   
BANG!   
The crystal disintegrated, and the beam stopped.   
"COOL!" I said. "Come on, let's hurry!"   
I clicked the staff and KERPLOWIE! Another crystal fell.   
Now, only one more to go! Link and I ran around the other side and aimed at the crystal.   
Suddenly, the tornado's force began to pick up. We could feel ourselves being pulled slowly towards the cyclone.   
"WHOA!" I yelled. "We gotta hurry!"   
BANG!   
The final beam was interrupted, and slowly, the tornado sucked itself away.   
Behind the tornado was a small staircase and a door that led to some unknown place.   
"Well, we've got nowhere else to go," Link shrugged. "Let's go!"   
  
Inside the door was a large square shaped room. And as in the last temple, there was a figure at the far end.   
"Look!" I cried. "Who is that?"  
George meowed, and let out a cry.  
A pair of green malicious eyes glowed for a second, and we heard a chilling laugh. Then, the figure stepped into the light, and we saw (not to our surprise) that it was our old pal Chica.   
Her Gerudo garb had disappeared, and been replaced by a lime green tank shirt with a pair of shorts. She held a black Energy Staff, identical to mine, but... well, black. She laughed, and soared into the air above us.   
"Well!" she said. "Intruders in my master's temple... I'll have to take care of that!"   
"CHICA!" I yelled. "WAKE UP! YOU'RE NOT EVIL! YOU'RE A VERY GOOD ANGST AUTHOR!"  
Link shook his head. "That's not going to work!"   
Chica giggled and her eyes flashed again. "You are fools to enter my lair! I will protect my master at any expense! MWEEEEEEEHEEHEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"  
Yumi flew toward her and turned yellow. "Obviously, this is Dark Chica. She's been brainwashed by some invisible force! To defeat her, you need to get her to hold still first!"   
"Hold still?" I asked. "But she's just standing there!"  
"Wait about three seconds," Yumi said.  
Three seconds later, she began zooming around the room at top speed, bouncing off of walls and ceilings and laughing evilly.   
"Oh."   
She waved her Energy Staff, (Well, I THINK she did, she was moving pretty fast) and fired a black beam.   
"Duck!" Link shouted, and we ducked.   
It smashed into the wall behind us, and the wall completely disintegrated.   
"Ouch," Yumi said. "Don't get hit, whatever you do!"   
"How will we stop her?" Link asked, ducking another beam.   
"Jeez, I don't know!" Yumi screamed. "What kind of weapons do you have?"  
"I could SLOW her down!" I said, indicating the Spiral Bracelet on my right arm.   
"You can TRY," Yumi said. "But she's going pretty fast!"   
The bracelet flashed, and I saw she was moving slow enough to hit her, about the speed of a normal person running at their fastest.   
"Well, that didn't seem to work!" I laughed.   
"Let's try THIS!" Link said, loading an arrow onto his bow. He fired straight ahead of Dark Chica, and the arrow flashed blue. A sheet of ice appeared in front of her, and she attempted to skid to a halt.   
Unfortunately, she crashed straight through the sheet, and the power of my bracelet wore off seconds later.   
"DUCK!" I called, and we ducked again.   
George whined, and zipped to the middle of the room, watching the evil version of his owner race by. He meowed, and suddenly, she stopped right there.   
"What is George doing?" I said.   
"I get it!" Yumi yelled. "He's distracting Chica so we can get her!"   
Dark Chica stopped and moved slowly towards him. "What is this? A defective crayon warrior... You're too small to be a crayon warrior!"   
"Get her!" Link screamed.   
I clicked the staff, and fired a beam of energy straight at Chica. It hit her, and she flew backwards and crashed into the wall.   
"OOF! You'll pay for that!" she cried. She waved her black Energy Staff around, and suddenly, George turned towards us and growled.   
"Get them!" she screamed.   
George raced at us, barking and growling.   
"AAAH! GEORGE IS EVIL TOO!" I yelped.  
Link pulled out an arrow, lit it on fire, and pointed it at George threateningly. "I'll cover the crayon, get her Doseki!"   
Dark Chica remained floating where she had stopped. She was watching George and Link fighting intently, and she didn't see me come up behind her with the Energy Staff.   
BANG!   
POW!  
She stood up from the floor, and looked at me angrily. Dark Chica snapped her fingers and George left Link immediately. He snapped in my face, and I swung the Energy Staff to scare him away.   
WHOMP!   
I hit George like a baseball, and he went flying straight for his mistress. He hit Dark Chica, and she was knocked back to the floor.   
"YOU FOOL!" she cried. "You cannot defeat me!"   
She aimed her Black Energy Staff right at me, and fired. I leaped out of the way, and a pile of rubble collapsed off the wall, trapping me in my place.   
"GULP! Link, HELP!"   
Dark Chica laughed. "Now there's no escape for you!"  
"Oh, uh... yes there is!" I cried.   
I hurled the Energy Staff as hard as I could to the left.   
Link dove for it, caught it in mid-air, aimed at Dark Chica, and fired!   
POW!  
Dark Chica fell to the ground, holding her head in pain. "OY MY HEAD!"  
"Get her Doseki!" he yelled.   
Knowing what to do, I grabbed my Innocence medallion and let out a beam of yellowish orange light that held Dark Chica in place.   
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO MEEEEEEE!"   
She gave a grunt and fell to the floor as the light faded.   
A black chain on her right wrist crumbled to pieces.   
"Chica?" Link said.   
I saw a puff of smoke, heard Link coughing, and when I could see again, Chica was gone!   
  
A treasure chest had been left in her place.   
"Link, I know who the Sage is!" I cried.   
"Yeah, yeah, don't we all?" Link chuckled. "Come on, hurry up. Open the chest and let's go!"   
I tossed the chest open and...  
  
(triumphant music)   
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE ENERGY KEY! IT'S A GOLD BOSS KEY WITH A TORNADO ON THE END. YOU GET IT AS A REWARD FOR DEFEATING DARK CHICA, THE HYPERACTIVE PERSON GIRL! IT OPENS THE DOOR TO THE LAIR OF HER MASTER THE EVIL... HEY WAIT, I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT!  
  
Yumi gasped. "Look, George is gone too!"   
Sure enough, the little red crayon had vanished.   
"Come on, let's move it!" Link said.   
  
Heading out the north exit, we saw a large locked door with a tornado shaped lock on it.   
"Well, here goes nothing..." I gulped, opening the door.   
We jumped through the doorway, looked around for the boss, and... saw nothing.   
"Uh... where..."  
"YUM YUM EAT'M UP!" I heard.   
We looked and at the center of the huge rectangular room was a small paper bag with sharp teeth and red eyes.   
"THAT'S the boss?" Link cried. Then he burst out laughing. "Woo, how tough! Boy, isn't the little lunch bag SCARY?"  
The little lunch bag opened its mouth, gasped in a huge amount of air, and inflated itself into a huge, 12-foot tall giant, man-eating lunch bag.   
"YUM YUM EAT'M UP!" it roared.   
"Woo, how tough! Boy, isn't the BIG GIANT HUMUNGOUS MAN-EATING LUNCH BAG SCARY?" I yelled.  
The lunchbag jumped into the air and growled.  
  
EATEMUP: REEEEEEEALLY BIG REEEEEEEEALLY MEAN LUNCH BAG  
  
Yumi turned yellow. "OK, this is EATEMUP. It's just like the little lunch bags, only really big with a couple layers of paper!"   
The lunch bag opened its mouth and inhaled deeply. I heard a snap, and watched in horror as my Innocence Medallion flew off my neck and right into the lunch bag's gaping mouth.   
"MY MEDALLION!" I screamed. "IT ATE MY MEDALLION!"  
I frowned and pulled out my sword, running towards the lunch bag.   
"DOSEKI, NOOOOO!" Link screamed. He could see where I was going. "YOU'LL BE KILLED!"  
"IT ATE MY MEDALLION!" I shrieked. "I'm stuck in this body until I get it back! I don't wanna be a human forever!"   
"Doseki, stop! We'll get it back!" he cried.   
I faced the lunch bag and scowled at it. "You'll pay for that!" I yelled. I pulled out my sword and started tearing away at its paper.   
EATEMUP growled and leaned down close to me. It inhaled, and I felt my feet lifting up off the floor.   
"GAAH! TAKE THIS, YOU CREEP!" I yelled. I slashed at its face.   
"GRRRRR!"   
The lunch bag inhaled again, and I flew up into the air and into its huge cake hole.   
"DOSEKI!" Link shrieked.   
  
I landed with a grunt on the ground inside the huge brown paper stomach of the lunch bag. It was hot and horrible, and it stunk really bad.   
I could see a little bit of light up at the top of the lunch bag. It opened and closed every couple of seconds.   
What could I do? I need to find my medallion first.   
It was pitch black. I felt around at the bottom of the bag, and finally, I felt the medallion on the ground. I picked it up and stuck the medallion back in my pocket.   
Where was my sword? I dropped it when I fell...   
I needed to do something! I could hear Link slashing his sword at the creature, and Yumi shrieking demands.   
Suddenly, the lunch bag lurched, and I heard a grunt from Link. The lunch bag had overpowered him!   
Now I really had to do something.   
I remembered the match in my pocket... maybe I could set the bag on fire!   
But what if it collapsed and I burned to death?   
Oh boy... decision time, Doseki...  
I finally decided that saving the world and getting a posthumous award was a chance I had to take. I took the match in my hand, scraped it on the bottom of my shoe, and held the lit match to the side of the bag.   
  
FWOOOOOOOSH!   
"GRRAAAGAGGRHRGGAGGRHHAGGHHHHAHGAGRGGRHGAHHAHHRHRGGAGHHHHHHHHHH..."  
It was getting smoky!   
OK, I made a mistake this time.  
I shut my eyes and prepared for a very hot experience, when I felt a gust of air and an arm pulling me.   
I opened my eyes.   
I was lying in a pile of ashes, and Link was pulling me out of them.   
"Oh Goddesses Doseki, say you're all right..."   
"HACK! I'm all right, I'm all right..."   
Yumi gasped. "Oh Doseki! You're OK! I'm SOOO HAPPY!"   
I sat up. "Link, I did it! I really killed the evil lunch bag!"   
Link nodded. "Yes, you did. But don't EVER do that again!"   
"I did it all by myself!" I laughed.   
A blue warp portal appeared near the ashes. We walked over, and I returned the Innocence Medallion to its place around my neck.   
"If you don't mind," I said, holding my medallion up. "I've been waiting all day for this."  
  
~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~  
  
We stepped into the warp portal, and we gently lifted off the ground. We had completed another temple, but I was just happy to be a Goron again.   
  
As we dropped into the Chamber of Sages, I heard a voice say...  
  
**TWO TEMPLES DOWN, ONLY FOUR TO GO! GOOD JOB, YOU TWO!**  
  
"Oh, Hi Destiny!" I said.   
  
**HEY YOU GUYS, GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. IF YOU KEEP GOING AT THIS RATE, YOU'LL SAVE THE WORLD WITH A COUPLE DAYS TO SPARE!**  
  
"So uh... nice to talk again, but we kinda need to get the medallion and get going," Link said.  
A blue light appeared on our right, and we turned to see GG appearing in the Chamber. She was in her pajamas.   
"Heyyyy, what's up with this?" she whined. "AACK!"  
She snapped her fingers and was back in her normal clothes.  
"Hey Destiny, could you please tell me next time you decide to pull me in here, so I can get dressed?"  
  
**YEAH, SURE. OK BOYS, AND GG. TIME TO MEET THE AUTHOR SAGE OF ENERGY!**  
  
A lime green light appear from the Sage's Seal next to GG, and Chica appeared from it, back to her normal, nice self.   
"Hey, what the... HI!" she said cheerfully. "Hey Link, Little Link, er, Doseki! Thanks a ton for saving me,"   
"No problem!" I said. "All in a day's work!"   
Chica nodded. "Boy, being evil really kind of sucks. You know... I'm sorry I attacked you and tried to blow you off the face of the earth,"   
"It's all right," Link said. "We know you couldn't help it."  
"Hey, I'm a Sage now too. Dude, that is really cool. Thanks for that, too." Chica said.   
"Is George OK?" Yumi asked.  
"He's fine, resting at home. Oh, hey! I need that Energy Staff back now."  
Galaxy Girl thought for a second. "Oh yeah, and LL, I'll be needing my wand back now, too."   
I dug both of them out of my pocket, and handed the silver star to GG and the golden sticky type thing to Chica.  
"Thank YOU!" they both said.   
Chica took a small gold pen out of her pocket. "Here you go, this is a mini-pen version of my Energy Staff. It works the same, but it's smaller. I hope it helps you!"  
"Thanks!" I said.   
"OK, time to get down to business," Chica said. "This medallion represents all of my Energy Sage power. If you ever need help, just use it to call me. I'll be right with you! So, if you need ANYTHING, don't hesitate to call, 'K?"  
"OK," I said.   
"Sure," Link replied.   
"YESSIREE!" Yumi yelled.   
Chica raised an eyebrow. "Hey, isn't that Prin..."  
GG nudged her.   
"Oh, sorry. I remember now. OK, here's that medallion."  
Chica held her hands in the air, and the lime green medallion tumbled down into Link's hands.   
  
LINK GOT THE-  
  
"Hey, no fair!" I whined.   
He shrugged and took one hand off of it. I put my hand on it too.  
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI GOT THE ENERGY MEDALLION! CHICA AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION. USE IT LIKE THE OTHER MEDALLION TO GET IN TOUCH WITH CHICA IF YOU NEED HER HELP. WEEKENDS AND AFTER 8, BE SURE TO USE 1800-CHICA-HELP TO SAVE A LITTLE MAGIC. EHH, NEVERMIND.   
  
**ALL RIGHTY THEN. YOU GUYS HAVE TRAVELED FROM THE MOUNTAINS TO THE WATERFALL TO THE DESERT TO FIND THE TEMPLES, AND NOW I REGRET TO INFORM YOU YOU'LL HAVE TO GO EVEN FARTHER TO FIND THE NEXT TEMPLE.**  
  
"Awww..." Link and I whined.  
  
**HERE'S YOUR NEXT CLUE. ONCE YOU FIND THE TEMPLE, SHEIK WILL TEACH YOU THE SONG YOU NEED TO GET INSIDE.   
  
IT'S A GAME POPULAR  
IN THE USA  
IN THE HOME OF ANJU  
AND KAFEI**  
  
"Aw man, I don't wanna go all the way to Termina!" Link whined.   
"Aw, get over it!" Chica snapped.   
He stared at her and she blushed. "Uh, never mind."   
  
**OK, THAT'S ALL MY CONTRACT REQUIRES ME TO DO FOR YOU. SO... CALL UP CHICA OR GALAXY GIRL IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, AND I'LL TALK TO YOU BOYS LATER, OK?**  
  
"See ya later, Destiny!" I said cheerfully.   
Chica nodded. "Thanks again, you two. Call me, OK? I mean that."   
GG smiled. "Yeah, me too. Keep in touch, Boy-ez."  
The warp portal's light shone up around us, and as we rose out of the portal and back to Hyrule, I heard Chica and GG having a nice chat.   
  
"So... Is being a Sage fun?" Chica asked.  
GG shrugged. "It's got its good points."  
"Hmm. So... uh, you wanna go out for coffee?"  
"The iced kind?"  
"Yeah, that works. My treat?"  
"OK!"   
"All right... yeah, iced mocha is good...  
"Reeeeal good..."  
"Coffee... mmmmm..."  
"I want some caffeine."  
"Me too."   
"Yes, caffeine is good."   
"Reeeeal good..."  
  
  
  
Two Sages down, and one more to go. But there's even more questions now. Who was the mysterious voice in the sand? Is it possible that Ganondorf is back and causing trouble AGAIN? And... where did Chica get all them Rabid Crayons?   
  
Find out the answers to SOME of these questions next time in chapter eight...  
  
BACK TO TERMINA  
  
-or-  
  
GET YER GROOVE ON, BOY-EEEEE! 


	8. Get Your Groove On, BoyEEE!

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT: GET YER GROOVE ON, BOY-EEEE! -or- BACK TO TERMINA  
  
Disclaimer: Let me put this simply for you. Me no own Zelda. Me no own other authors. Me do own seven temples and me. Me GG, you reader... Me author, you reading author story... Uh... anyway...  
  
  
  
Hi everyone, it's me LL! Last time on SOIS, Link, Yumi and I went to the Desert Colossus to find the Energy Temple, where we solved a bunch of puzzles, met some rabid school supplies, and awakened Chica, the Author Sage of Energy.   
  
  
  
"Hey, move it, Goron Boy!" a grumpy man screamed from behind me.  
Link grabbed me by the arm and moved me out of the way of a man driving a horse-drawn cart. "Watch out, LL!"   
We had come a long way in only a half a day, thanks to Link's trusty horse Epona. All the way to West Clock Town, Termina! I had never been here before, and it was a very confusing place.   
"Let's see... if the Stock Pot Inn is here, then the Trading Post must be... here," Link said to himself as he looked over our map. "It's almost dark, so we better get there quick,"   
"Link, I don't understand. Why did we come all the way here to Termina when the virus is only affecting Hyrule?" I asked, tugging on his sleeve.   
"Well LL, according to Destiny, the next Temple is here," he answered, pulling me away from another grumpy merchant in a cart.   
"And besides," Yumi said from my shoulder, "If time gets screwed up in Hyrule, then it will affect the people in Termina, too."   
"I'll be glad when we awaken all the Author Sages and turn things back to normal so all the authors will be able to go home," I said.   
"Me too," Link sighed.   
"And me three! I can't WAIT to get back to my cozy little fairy cabana!" Yumi laughed.   
I was confused for a minute, but then I suddenly understood.   
Yumi (AKA Princess of the Pixies) knew all about the author circumstances, but she thought she really WAS Yumi the fairy.   
Boy, was she going to get a surprise when the virus disappeared!   
  
Link led me up to a door and eyed the sign next to it. "I remember this shop from 10 years ago... Come on LL, let's go in and I'll buy you a weapon to use,"   
  
We walked inside the shop and I saw a little man sitting at the counter, fooling around with some kind of a gadget.   
Link stepped up to the counter. "Hey Mr. Shopkeeper Dude, remember me?"  
The guy stared at him for a minute, then jumped up. "Green Hat Kid! It's you! It's been a long time! Um... ten years?"   
"Yes, it has," Link laughed. I took it they knew each other.   
"Hey, what brings you here?" asked the shop keeper guy.  
"Oh, me and my buddy LL here are looking for... things," Link said.   
The shop keeper stood up and eyed me. Then he laughed.   
"Hey, sorry. We only serve humans here," he said.   
I frowned. "Hey, I want some stuff!"  
"Sorry, we only serve humans here!" he said again, a little angrier.   
Link sighed. "Good grief, all right, I want to buy a bow."   
"We're fresh out," the guy said, sneering at me. "But we just got a crossbow in last night."  
"A crossbow? What's that?" I asked.   
The guy pulled out a huge bow-looking thingy with a small trigger on the bottom. "This is the Bushwhacker 5000, the latest in crossbow technology. It can fire any size arrow over 70 miles per hour in less than 3 seconds, and it has the most advanced sighting technology of its kind."   
I drooled. "Cool..."   
"Eyes off, Rock Head!" the guy sneered. "I told you, we only serve HUMANS!"   
"OK then," I said, grabbing my Innocence Medallion and stepping out the door.   
  
~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~  
  
I stepped back inside and reached for my wallet. "How much is it?"   
The shop keeper's jaw dropped, and he stared at me. "Duh... duh... Goron... duh... duh... 100... duh, Rupees... duh..."   
I counted out two purple Rupees of my allowance and handed it over to the guy. I grabbed the crossbow, and pulled the trigger a few times.   
"Come on Link, let's go," I said, strapping it to the back of my tunic.   
Link shrugged. "Have a nice day," he said to the shop keeper, who had since passed out.   
We walked outside. It had already gotten dark. That meant we had four days left. That wasn't a lot of time.  
"LL, I think you'd better stay as Doseki until we leave Clock Town at least. Some people here are kind of uptight to Gorons and Deku Scrubs and Zoras and stuff like that." Link said.   
"All right," I sighed. "But hey, I got a sweet new crossbow!"   
Link chuckled. "There's gotta be some people around here who know about anything strange going on around here. Destiny's clue wasn't a very good one. It didn't say where in the world the temple is,"   
"We can ask around," Yumi suggested.   
We made our way to the East part of town, to a small milk bar. Link showed a pass, and the three of us walked and flew in and sat down at the bar.   
"One Chateau Romani," Link ordered. "And one Lon-Lon for my friend,"   
The bartender, who looked mysteriously like the owner of the ranch back home, passed a weird looking glass of milk to Link and a regular one to me.   
"Hey Link, why can't I have one of those that you have?" I asked.   
Link took a sip of his milk, and his eyes almost popped out of his head. "Woo! Well Doseki, it's a little strong for someone your age."   
I took a sip of my milk, and looked around at all the strange people. Yet most of them looked familiar to me... and there were no authors in sight.   
"Hey bartender, give me a thimble of Chateau Romani," Yumi yelled. The bartender laughed and passed her a small capful of milk.   
"Link, do you know anyone here?" I asked.   
"No, not right now. Keep your ears open for any news," he said.   
I sipped my milk and looked around. There were two weird men laughing next to me, drinking their milk and talking loudly.   
"Have you been to the woods just near the border lately?" asked one of them.  
"No, why?"  
"There's been talk of a strange little dude around there, asking people to dance or something like that!"   
"You're mad! Whoever heard of something so ridiculous?"   
They laughed and laughed, and the bartender leaned over near them. "'Tain't no lie, Mister. Not only a week ago, my brother was delivering our milk here, and he said a weird little guy asked him to dance up in the woods! Quite an odd little fellow, if you ask me."   
"I don't believe it," one of the two men said. "That's not real, a man asking people to dance!"   
"Link!" I whispered, tugging on his sleeve. "Did you hear what they said?"  
"What? Who said what?" he said quickly.   
"Those two men said that there's a weird little guy asking people to dance in the woods near the Termina/Hyrule border!" I explained.   
Link scratched his chin. "Hey, that's not a bad clue... we should get moving as soon as we finish our milk. This stuff is expensive, so drink all of it,"   
I quickly downed my milk and waited while Yumi and Link finished theirs, then we grabbed the water-logged Yumi, stuck her in my pocket, and headed for the door.  
Yumi laughed and hiccuped. "Woo, too much milk there, Yumi... Hee hee hee..."   
"No more milk for you, ever," Link said sternly.   
We headed for the door, when suddenly, I smacked into a large sweaty, and smelly body.   
"Hey, watch it, kid!" the big huge man grunted.  
He was almost bigger than my dad! The guy was really fat, and had a gruff beard all over his face. He wore a sweaty, stained shirt, and a pair of green pants. He was holding a glass of Chateau Romani.  
"Excuse me!" I said, putting my arm up as I moved out of the way.  
The huge, hairy, ugly, and sweaty man stared down at my arm, and suddenly he grabbed it. "Hey, what's this?"   
He pulled up the sleeve of my tunic on my right arm to reveal something I hadn't noticed before.  
  
On the top part of my arm was the same tattoo that I had on my arms as a Goron. I had never noticed that it was still there when I was Doseki...   
"You got tattoos!" the man growled. He spun me around and held up my other sleeve. The other arm had the same marking, too.   
"Ouch!" I grunted.  
"Hey pal, leave him alone!" Link said, trying to push the guy away.   
"Hey little boy... isn't this the same tattoo that the Goron Tribe uses on its members?" the guy growled.   
"Ow! I don't know!" I whined.   
Actually, I did know. Every Goron who was any Goron had the tattoos. And I especially had to have them. I WAS Little Brother of the Gorons of Death Mountain...  
"Wrong answer kid!" the guy chuckled meanly. He slammed me onto the counter of the bar, and pulled my sleeve up some more.   
"Hey Gordo! Get a look at this!" the guy laughed. I smelt another guy gazing at my right arm. "The kid thinks he's a Goron!"   
This raised a chorus of laughter out of everyone in the bar. A group of smelly men crowded around me.   
"Don't you know about Gorons, kid?" one of them chuckled. "Those smelly beasts! They actually eat ROCKS!"   
Everyone laughed. I could feel my cheeks burning.   
"I heard once that they have half the brain of a Termanian or a Hylian, for that matter!" another man said.   
I held my tongue. I knew when NOT to speak.   
"HA HA HA! They say that Gorons are so primitive, they can't even talk to other races without stuttering!"  
"That's not true!" I hissed.   
"What? What did you say?" the big man who was holding me said.   
"I said That's Not TRUE!" I screamed.   
Everyone was laughing again.   
"Hey Ernest, maybe he IS about as smart as a Goron!" another man said to the guy who was holding me.   
"At least Gorons bother to keep themselves clean!" I hissed.   
Ernest (the big dude holding me) growled with anger and pulled a huge knife out of his pocket. "I'll teach you to insult me!" he yelled. He held the knife right down to my arm. "We'll start by taking these stupid Goron tattoos off!"   
"PUT the knife down!" Link snapped from behind us. I heard his sword swish through the air, and saw the glint of the blade next to Ernest's neck.   
"What business is it of yours?" Gordo growled, and stepped forward to confront him.  
"He didn't mean any harm by bumping into your friend there," Link said smoothly. "Let him go."  
"What about the tattoos?" another guy screamed.  
"So he wants tattoos. So what?"   
"And what about him insulting me?" Ernest grunted.   
"You deserved it," Link smiled.   
Gordo grunted, and took a swing at Link. His fist grazed off of Link's face, and he fell over.   
I kicked backwards, and hit a few guys in the leg. Ernest released me, and I quickly pulled my Little Giant sword.   
"All right, let him up now!" I screamed to the guys who were down on the floor beating Link to a pulp.  
The three of them scowled and slowly stood up. Link got up, with bruises all over.  
"Now," I said. "Can we PLEASE leave here in peace, without getting our arms carved off or being beaten up?"   
The guys growled and tried to move in and attack. I quickly changed their minds with a sword spin.   
They all stepped back, Link grabbed his stuff, and the two of us raced out of the bar.  
  
I gazed at the tattoos on my arm as we left the light of the bar. Link rubbed his face in pain.  
"Link..." I said quietly. "Thank you. For standing up for me,"   
Link half smiled and rubbed a bruise on his stomach. "It's no problem, Doseki. I can't just stand there and watch you be carved up and insulted."  
I sighed, and opened the pocket of my tunic to check on Yumi, sound asleep.   
"Link... do you believe what they said about Gorons?"   
"No," he said. "I know that you guys aren't really stupid or smelly. I think you Gorons are pretty awesome."   
"Really?"   
"Yes, really."   
"Why did they say that, though?" I asked him.  
"Well LL, some people are just blunt about those kind of things. Maybe they've never really met a Goron, and they don't know. Or maybe they're afraid of Gorons because they're different from them."   
"That's a pretty stupid reason to be afraid of something." I sighed.   
"I know, but you can't stop people from thinking what they want."   
"That's like me being afraid of you because you have pointy ears," I said. "Or you being afraid of Nabooru and the other Gerudos because they live in the desert and don't have pointy ears."   
"Or the Gerudos being afraid of GG and Chica because they live in the US and do things differently," Link added.   
I shrugged. "Maybe things will get better in the world if people didn't care if other people are different."  
"Maybe, Doseki." Link smiled.   
I shuddered. "I hope I never meet anyone like that again!"   
"I hope you don't either," Link said.   
"They were jerks. And they smelled."   
"See now, LL? It's saying things like that that gets you in trouble with big strong ugly gangster-type guys."  
  
Outside Clock Town, Link called Epona, and helped me get on.   
"Remember, no freaking out this time," he said.   
"It's OK, I won't!" I assured him.   
He spurred the horse, and we started galloping towards the Hyrule border again.   
"I remember those woods," he said. "Something really bad happened to me there 10 years ago..."  
"What?" I asked.   
Link smiled. Er, I think he did, I was behind him on the horse. "A Skull Kid turned me into a Deku Scrub."   
"Uh... what's a Deku Scrub?" I asked.   
"Oh, you'll find out soon enough."   
Suddenly, we heard a weird noise from my pocket. It was Yumi.   
"If my lips had left my mouth, packed my bags and headed south, that'd be too bad, I'd be so sad! If my lips found a new host, said "We don't like you, we think you're gross", I might get mad, I'd call my dad! That'd be too bad, I'd be so sad, I might get mad, I'd call my dad, that'd be too bad!"   
I shook my head. "What's in that Romani stuff anyway?"   
Link shrugged. "I don't even think the guys at Romani Ranch know the answer to that."   
  
Finally, we found ourselves in a big area of woods, not far from the border. It was dark, and pretty creepy.   
I had never seen so many... um, what were they called again? Oh yeah, TREES in my entire life!   
It was too quiet. Way too quiet. I longed for conversation, but Link was kind of muttering to himself about "Well, if I see that Skull Kid this," and "Why, if I see that Skull Kid that,".   
Yumi was still belting out show tunes.  
"Yumi, get a hold of yourself!" I snapped at her. "If I hear 'I Love My Lips' one more time..."   
"Well excuse me, Doseki. Just thought a little music might cheer up the situation."   
"We have five days until the end of time and existence as we know it, Yumi. I think we have a reason to be upset," Link griped.  
I sighed. It was really too quiet now.  
I jumped when I heard a weird sound break the silence.   
"One day I lost my front tooth, I had to kiss my Great Aunt Ruth! She had a beard, and it felt weird!"   
It was Yumi again.   
"Yumi, hush!" I yelled. "It's way too dark around here!"   
Suddenly, I heard another voice. "It's way too dark around here, here!"   
I gasped. "Link, what was that?"   
He stopped Epona and looked around. "Who said that?" he called.   
"Who said that, that?" the voice repeated.   
Link was not amused. "No, seriously! Who's there?"   
"Who's there, there?"   
Link frowned. "Come on, stop!"   
"Come on, stop, stop!"   
Link pulled his sword out. "I have a sword! Who are you?"   
"I have a sword, sword! Who are you, you?"   
Suddenly, a short little dude appeared near us up in a tree. It was a short guy who kind of looked like a child, wearing a skull mask and dressed in torn up clothes.   
"Link, what's that?" I gasped.   
"Link, what's that, that!" he repeated. Then he burst out laughing.   
"Oh great," Link said, rolling his eyes. "It's a Skull Kid. They live in the woods around here. Luckily, this one isn't wearing an evil ancient relic mask."  
"Oh great, great!" he repeated.   
"Link, what's he doing?" I asked.   
"What's he doing, doing?"   
"He thinks it's funny to mimic us. Ignore him."   
"Ignore him, him!"   
"Do you think she's seen the guy asking people to dance?" I said as quietly as I could.   
"Voodoo pink cheese Queen has cried masking steeple to France, France?" the Skull Kid repeated as much as he had heard.   
"Let's ask him," Link whispered back.  
"Mets bask Jim, Jim!" the Skull Kid said.   
"Hey, uh, Skull Kid guy, can you talk to us?" I called.   
"I can, can. Why, why?"   
"Because we're looking for someone!" Link continued.   
"Pay me, pay me!"   
Link sighed in disgust. "Oh, he speaks perfect English when he wants money."   
Link tossed him a blue Rupee, and then the Skull Kid pointed over to the right. "Dude's over there, there!"   
"Thank you!" I called.   
"Thank you, you!"   
Link sighed and turned right. As we rode away, he whispered to me, "Good grief, what a moron!"   
"Food chief, butt's a Goron!" the Skull Kid giggled.   
  
After riding for a while, we came to a small clearing, where Link stopped Epona and looked around. "Right there," he said, "That's where the Skull Kid stole my horse and Ocarina."  
"Aw, poor Epona," I said, patting her on the neck.  
"It really, really sucked," Link said. "Although blowing bubbles through your nose is pretty cool..."  
Suddenly, we heard a rustling in the trees, and who else but Sheik jumped down out of nowhere. (Um, actually, it was Sheik.)   
"Greetings Link, Doseki," he said. "I see you managed to find the Energy Temple, at last."  
"Finally, it's over," I groaned.  
Sheik nodded. "Well, you've got only four more to go, and you've found the first one of those four. This one is going to be a doozy..."   
Sheik pulled his harp/lyre/guitar/banjo thingy out and took a deep breath. "When you're really hyper and have had a lot of sugar, there's nothing better to do than get rid of your extra energy. No better way to do that than play a certain game."  
"Twister?" I guessed.   
Sheik eyed me strangely. "No. Dance Dance Revolution."  
"OH JEEZ!" I yelled. "This temple's Sage is even more predictable than both times before! I already know the Sage is..."  
"SHHHHH!" Sheik cried. "Maybe we can keep a few people reading."   
Link shrugged. "Well, is that all?"   
"Nope," Sheik said. "This is the Ritardando of Dance Dance Revolution."  
"What's a ritardando?" I asked.   
"Is it someone who can't guess the Sage of this temple?" Link joked.   
Sheik shook his head. "A ritardando is a part of the song where something slows down. Which is kind of weird, considering that this is such a hyperactive game thing."   
He put his harp/lyre/guitar/banjo thingy in position and played the song.   
  
_______________^^^_________________^^^___  
___________________________________  
__________________________________  
_____________________VVV____________VVV__  
____________________________________________A__  
  
Link's eyes popped out. "How in the heck is THAT considered a ritardando? That's almost too fast to play!"   
Sheik shrugged. "I know the songs, I didn't name them."   
Link attempted to play the song as best he could. I repeated after him, but neither of us could play it full speed.   
"Stupid Dance Dance Revolution..." Link muttered.   
Sheik laughed. "I wouldn't say that if I were you, there's a little dude over there who will kick your pretty hero heinies."  
Link sighed. "Yeah, yeah, thanks for the song, Sheik."   
"No problem," Sheik grinned. "I'll be waiting for you at the next temple."   
"Which is where?" I asked smugly.   
"It's over by... hey, I can't tell that!" And he threw a little marble thing and disappeared.   
"Let's go look for- The Sage guy," I said. "What's even the point if we know who he or she is?"   
"We still have to save them if they get in any trouble, and there's bound to be some kind of evil thing in the temple," Link said.   
  
We walked a little further into the clearing, and then we saw him. A tall guy, wearing Kokiri-style clothes, hopping around on some sort of metal pad attached to a machine.   
"WOOO! WOOO BOY!" the guy screamed.   
I nodded. "That's Jigglypuff if I ever saw him,"   
Link raised an eyebrow. "Is he always like that?"  
"No," I said. "He's just a little... hyperactive right now. He doesn't know who he is, remember?"  
"And now, for Synchronized Love Red Monster Hyper Mix by Joe Rinoie!" Jigglypuff yelled.  
Jigglypuff, the author, was spinning around and hopping and jumping and belting out lyrics not 25 feet in front of us.   
Link approached him slowly and set his hand on the machine. "Hello there, little guy. Who might you be?"   
"Name's Clement, and I LOVE THIS GAME!" Jigglypuff cried happily. "WOOO! YEAH!"   
"What is that?" I asked.   
"Well, it's a long story, but... I don't know! I just kind of passed out one day, and when I woke up here I was next to this machine. The machine was broke, so I fixed it. And now I can't get enough of it! WOOO! HOT! YEAAAH! AWESOME!" Clement/Jigglypuff screamed, still hopping.   
I raised an eyebrow. This guy had lost his bananas. That guy had gone marbles. Or... was it the other way around?  
Stupid virus, causing normally sane people to lose it.  
"Hey, you two look like you'd be pretty good at it! Wanna try?"   
I looked around at who he was talking about. "Uh, who, me?"   
"Yeah!" Clement/Jigglypuff yelled. "I'm almost at the ultra secret bonus level! WOOO! Yeah, so come on! Who wants to take me on?"   
"Er, no thanks. Weak ankles," I murmured.   
Link nodded. "That looks pretty cool. I'll take you on."   
  
Link stepped onto the metal platform and Clement/Jigglypuff punched in a few commands on the front. Then, a countdown began, and fast music started to play.   
"Step on the arrows when they light up onscreen," Clement explained.   
Link waited a few seconds, then started stepping on the arrows. He was amazingly bad at it.   
"Hey, I got that one!" he whined.   
Clement/Jigglypuff laughed and kept hopping around. "Woo hoo, no beating me, buddy!"   
The music sped up, but no matter how fast Link went, Clement/Jigglypuff was always better.   
Finally, the song ended, and the scores showed up, an amazing 500 to nothing in Clement/Jigglypuff's favor.   
"Heh heh, I told you!" Jigglypuff laughed. "Hey, wanna try again?"  
"No thanks," Link said. "We're kinda busy, and..."   
"Aw, please?" Jigglypuff begged. "I haven't got anyone to play for ages!"   
"Oh, fine. One more round."   
Link and Jigglypuff duked it out for one more round, and Jigglypuff won again. "Again?"   
"No," Link said.   
"I will!" I said.   
"I thought you had weak ankles!" Clement whined.   
"Uh, I changed my mind!" I said.  
I stepped up to the podium and Clement pushed a few buttons. "How about 'So Many Men'?"  
"Er, works for me!" I said.   
Suddenly, the music started. "SO MA-NY MEN! SO LITTLE TIME!" the high pitched singer lady screamed.   
It was harder than it looked. I had a hard time stepping on the arrows at the right time.   
"Heh heh heh, you're having a bit of trouble, I see." Clement said.  
"No, I'm fine!" I said, as I stepped on the wrong arrow.  
  
The round and the song was over, and Clement had won again.  
"Hey, you're not bad!" Clement said. "How about another round?"   
"Naah," I said.  
"I'll play you!" Yumi screamed, hopping out of my pocket.   
Clement stared at Yumi for a second and raised an eyebrow. "Um, OK. Can you reach all the buttons?"   
"I can do it! I just drank a million bajillion cups of Chateau Romani, and I'm really, really hyper!"   
Yumi got into position (Even though the pad was a bit big for her) and the music started.   
Clement stepped quickly, but you should have seen Yumi go! She buzzed back and forth from arrow to arrow, stomping on them as she flew.   
"WOOHOOO! WOOOHOOO! WOOOOHOOOOOOHOOOOHOOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!" she whooped.   
Clement burst out laughing, and stepped as he watched her jumping around. When the music stopped and the scores were counted up, we were surprised to see that Clement and Yumi were tied!  
"Hey, that's pretty cool!" Clement laughed. "Anyone up for another one?"  
Link looked upset, and shrugged. "Doseki and I have to get going now. But could you tell me if you'd ever heard this song?"   
Link pulled out his Ocarina and played the Not-So Ritardando of Dance-Dance Revolution.   
Jigglypuff listened carefully, and shook his head. "Never heard it in my life,"   
Suddenly, the machine began to short circuit. Sparks flew in all directions and light bulbs began to break one at a time.  
"What the..." I stuttered.   
Suddenly, a smashing noise was heard, and long square hollow sank down into the ground behind the machine.  
Then another...  
Then another...  
And finally, a long staircase led down to an unknown place.   
"WOW!" Clement/Jigglypuff screamed. "Wow, this must be the ultra super bonus area!"   
"The DDR Temple..." I gasped.   
Clement smiled from ear to ear and raced down the stairs. "ALLL RIIIIGHT! THE BONUS! AT LAST, I WILL BE THE CHAMPION OF DDR!"   
"No, Jig- er, Clement, WAIT!" Link screamed. "There's a lot of danger in there! You have to..."   
But Clement/Jigglypuff was already down deep inside the DDR Temple.  
  
I peered down into the darkness, and gave a long whistle. "Link... do you think Jigglypuff will be OK?"   
"Definitely not!" Link cried. "He's in a lot of trouble, we have GOT to go after him!"   
Suddenly, we heard a scream from down inside the temple.   
"Clement!" Yumi cried. "Oh no, this isn't good!"   
"Link, Jigglypuff is the next Author Sage!" I gasped.   
"And he's even going to be ALIVE for long if we don't hurry up and move it!" he called back as he raced down the steps and into the DDR Temple.  
  
All right, so things aren't going so good for Link and LL/Doseki. Clement/Jigglypuff is in danger, and Yumi is hyper on sugar... but can the hunky Hero of Time and the gorgeous Goron/human hero rescue Jigglypuff AND keep their eyes on Yumi? And there's only five days left until time as we know it ceases to exist! It'll be tough, but can they do it?  
  
Stay tuned for the next episode of SOIS:  
  
DUB-I-TROUBLE  
  
-or-  
  
DANCE-DANCE DOOM!  



	9. DubITrouble!

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER NINE: DUB-I-TROUBLE -or- DANCE DANCE DOOM!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto do. I don't own the authors who make cameos in this fic. They own themselves. I do own myself and the seven extra temples. All rights reserved. Come out on Sunday for hotdogs and balloons for mom.   
  
Another Note: The authors who appear as Sages in this fic actually were a big help in planning the temples and enemies. I couldn't write this without them, so thank you Author Sages! (You know who you are.)   
  
Yet Another Note: The authors who appear in cameo parts in this fic graciously put aside their dignity and allowed me to place them in weird predicaments. Thanks to you guys too!   
  
GG PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS...  
  
A Brief Message From Galaxy Girl!  
  
Hello everyone. At the request of the author Jigglypuff, I have written this explanatory article on Dance Dance Revolution, which many of you may not be familiar with.  
  
Dance Dance Revolution is a video/arcade game for the (gasp) PLAYSTATION that also appears in arcades. (All of the DDR machines mentioned in this chapter are for the arcade)The idea of the game is to follow the dancers onscreen as close as you can, by stepping on arrows at a specific time.   
The board consists of a tic tac toe board with an up arrow, a down arrow, a right arrow, and a left arrow. You stand in the center square, and use your feet and sometimes your hands to press the arrows. Different combinations of arrows allow you to do different moves, and the closer you match the guys onscreen, the higher your score.   
You pick your own music at the beginning, and then go on to perform the dance.   
All of the enemies in this chapter are based on characters in the DDR game (AKA the dancers onscreen)   
BIG thanks to Jigglypuff for supplying the names of the characters and a layout for the DDR Temple.  
Thank you, and I hope this has been informative. Now, on with the story!  
  
  
All right, in case you missed last chapter, let me let you in on a little info. Link, Princess- er, Yumi and I made our way to Termina to find the third temple. We searched and searched until we found Jigglypuff, who thought he was a guy named Clement. After we played him a few rounds of Dance Dance Revolution, Link played the Not-So-Ritardando of Dance Dance Revolution and POOF! The DDR Temple appeared right behind Clement's DDR machine!   
Clement raced inside, and later, we heard a scream. That can't be good...  
  
  
"Uh, Link? Are you sure it's a good idea to just RUN in there?" I gulped.   
"Of course not. What are you waiting for, let's go!"   
I sighed and stepped down the stairs.   
  
The hallway was pitch black, and I could only see Link's earrings flashing in the light from up above ground.   
"There's a wall here," he said. "I wonder how Jig- er, Clement got past?"   
"What do we do?" I asked.   
"I'm out of bombs, Doseki... I don't know,"   
Yumi flashed. "Why don't you take it down, LL?"  
"I can't take it down like this, Yumi." I whined.   
"I said 'Why don't you take it down, LL!'" Yumi sighed.   
"Oh, I get it."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Returning to my Goron form, I stepped back a bit.   
"OK, you might want to move, Link," I said.   
I rolled up into a ball, and threw myself at the wall...  
Only to bounce off pathetically and hit the stairs.   
"OWWW!" I whined. "Hey, what happened? I used to be able to take down walls like this easy!"   
Link shrugged. Er, I think he did. "Maybe you need to get used to being a Goron again."  
"Now what?" I sighed.   
Yumi flew right in my face. "LL, where is Chica's Energy Pen?"   
"Uh gee, I don't know. I think it's on my other body!" I said.   
"So turn back and use it on the door!"   
"No way!" I said.   
"LL!" Link cried. "What do you mean?"   
"Link, think about it! I'm becoming less and less Goron the more I stay as Doseki!" I explained. "What if I totally lose my Goron abilities?"   
"That's not going to happen," Link said. "Destiny wouldn't turn you into a human unless you wanted to."  
"I never thought about it before, but now I feel kind of weird as a Goron! I'm worried that I'll get too used to being a human!"   
"Don't be ridiculous," Link said, shaking his head. "It's just easier if you're a human. And you'll have to be Doseki again eventually."  
"Well then, give me a break. I've been Doseki ever since we left Clock Town three hours ago!"   
Link sighed. "All right then, fine. Stay LL right now if you want. We'll have to find another way."   
After a moment of silence, I got an idea.  
"What kind of wall is it?" I asked.   
"It's solid stone." Link sighed again.  
"What kind of stone?" I asked again.  
"Solid Granite," he replied.   
"Well then there's our way!" I said. I ran up to the wall, and took a big bite out of it.   
Link made a face. "UGH!"   
"What?" I asked. "It's just like a wall of meat to you!"   
"Or a wall of chocolate to me!" Yumi laughed.   
After a couple more bites, I was getting kind of full, and Link was getting kind of impatient. "You are like a moving jackhammer," Link chuckled. "If I need a wall down, BANG!"   
"Almost through!" I said, taking another big bite.   
Finally, I had eaten a hole through the wall, and it was crumbly enough for me to smack into.   
BANG!   
I sat up dizzily. "Wall down!" I grunted.   
  
Just past the wall was a wide open room with a large machine in the center. It wasn't a DDR machine, though.  
"What is that?" I asked.   
Whatever it was, it was playing a very loud but familiar techno song.   
"So MAN-Y MEN! So little time!" sand the high pitched singer on the tape.  
  
{A/N: If you're wondering why that song has been mentioned so much in the past two chapters, that's my favorite DDR song. Um, but not because of the lyrics, in case you're wondering. It's got a nice beat.}  
  
"Must be the temple jukebox," Yumi commented.   
On either side of the gray marble stone room was a door with a tic tac toe pattern on it. Arrows were drawn in four of the squares.   
"Which door?" I asked. "They're both unlocked,"   
Link pointed back and forth, then nodded at the door on the left. "That one," he said.   
  
We opened the door and walked inside. There, at the far end of the room (which looked exactly the same as the first) near a large door, was a trio of dolls. Actually, they were pretty big dolls, about my (Goron) height.   
"Dolls?" Link groaned. "I don't get it!"   
Yumi then turned yellow. "MOVE IT!" she yelled.   
Suddenly, the dolls turned around, and they appeared to be... little girls in a frog masks?  
"Kaeru Zukins!" Yumi cried. "Watch it, they'll bite you!"   
"HOW did you know THAT?" Link asked, annoyed.  
"I'm a guardian fairy, DOI!"   
Sure enough, the three little girl dolls started walking towards us, mumbling strange words.  
Link pulled out his sword. "Don't come any closer!" he yelled. "LL, your sword!" he whispered to me.  
"The Little Giant is part of Doseki's body!" I hissed back.   
"Oh GREAT!" Link whined. "Come on LL, you have to be Doseki!"   
"Do not," I said. "I've been Doseki this whole trip, and now I'm taking a break! I want to be a Goron for a while!"  
"LL, PLEASE!" Link begged. "I need help, and you don't have any weapons! Can't you take your break some other time?"   
Just as he said that, the Kaeru Zukin dolls leaped forward and starting trying to latch onto either Link or me to chew off something.  
"Hey, hey, hey!" Link cried, swinging the sword, which didn't seem to scare them. "Yumi, help!"  
"Just hit them!" Yumi yelled. "LL, give him a hand!"   
"With what?" I asked.   
"I don't know, roll into them!"   
I curled up and tilted, and sped off in their general direction.   
Link smacked one a few times with his sword, and then it fell over dead. I bowled over the other two, who didn't seem to be getting up.   
Then I sat up. "See? I'm fine, Link!"   
Link rolled his eyes. "LL, it'll just be a lot easier if you..."  
"Link, buddy," I explained. "I am a Goron. Not a human. I want to BE a Goron. NOT a human."   
"But I'm worried, if you get caught alone with no weapons..."  
"Ah, when will that happen?" I asked.   
Suddenly, the two Kaeru Zukins got up and raced towards us, their sharp teeth bared.   
"AAAAAGH!" went I.  
"WHAACK!" went the sword.   
"SPLAT!" went the dolls.   
Panting from fear, I reached for my medallion. "On second thought," I said, "Maybe a sword isn't such a bad idea..."  
  
~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~  
  
We stepped up to the door slowly. "I wonder what's in here?" I said.   
"Let's see," Link said, reaching for the door.   
It didn't budge.   
"Well gee, how are you supposed to open it?" Yumi asked.   
Suddenly, a spotlight above the door shined down on the three of us, and an eerie voice boomed through the room. (Hey, that rhymes!)  
  
ONLY THE ONE WHO ON FF.N WRITES  
MAY ENTER THE CHAMBER OF DELIGHTS  
  
Then the room began to shake, and a small hole opened up in the center of the door.   
A bright flashing light came through the hole, and Yumi was entranced by it.   
"WOW! Just my size!" she cooed, and she sped through the hole.   
"Yumi, get back here!" Link yelled.   
We couldn't see anything in the room, just Yumi looking around at a bunch of flashing lights with awe and squealing.   
"WOW! LOOK AT THAT! That's so cool! I can't wait to... hey, wait a minute! I don't write on FF.N, whatever that is! Or..."  
Suddenly, the hole slammed shut.   
  
"Yumi!" I called, banging on the door. "Yumi, open up!"   
"Doseki, I got it!" Link cried. "Yumi, uh, Princess of the Pixies is an author! So only authors can enter that room!"   
"That stinks!" I yelled. "Those lights looked really cool!"   
Then the voice spoke up again.  
  
WHEN THE ONE WHO DANCES BECOMES AWAKE  
THEN THE ROOM AND THE TREASURE YOU SHALL TAKE  
  
"One who dances? That's Jigglypuff!" I cried out.  
"But what about Yumi?" Link asked. "Er, Princess?"   
We banged on the door, but all we could hear from inside was Yumi/Princess of the Pixies screaming and cheering.   
"We can't get her out until we awaken the Sage!" Link moaned. "That means she's stuck in there!"   
"Oh no! But... but we need Yumi!" I whined.   
Link shrugged and re-sheathed his sword. "Come on Doseki. We have to leave her here until we're done with the temple. We're just going to have to make do by ourselves."  
"But Link..."   
"Come on, let's go."   
  
We made our way back to the first room with the jukebox, and opened up the door immediately across from the one we had exited through.   
Inside we found another large square marble room, and inside were ten dolls, all different shapes and sizes, and all facing away from us, slowly dancing to the music.  
"Maybe they won't hear us..." I whispered.   
All ten turned around.   
"Oops." I shrugged.   
The ten dolls started walking towards us, glaring evilly.  
"What do we do, Link? WHAT DO WE DO?" I screamed.   
"Hold on, hold on," Link shouted, digging through his pack.   
The dolls got closer and closer, and we stepped back as far as we could against the door, while Link dug through his bag some more.   
Finally, he dug out a thick volume with a red cover.   
"Strange Monsters and How to Kill Them" it said on the cover.   
"Where did you get that?" I asked.   
"I picked it up from the library a long time ago and forgot to return it!" he said. "Let's see..."  
I pulled the Little Giant sword and got into an attack position. "Link, hurry up!"   
"'Dodongos... Taliparisans... AHA! Dolls. See Dance Dance Revolution...'" he read.  
"LIIINK!" I screamed. "SOMETIME TONIGHT?"  
"AHA! 'When faced with a DDR Doll, pull your sword and attack fiercely. They only know karate, jujitsu, aikido, tae kwan do, kendo, and judo...'"   
A scary looking doll with a sharp red vest and spiky hair ran forward and struck a ninja pose. "HOOOYAH!" he screamed.   
I shrugged and did the same. "HOOOYAH!" I cried.   
He tried to kick me, but I deflected the hit with my sword, and then knocked him down with the butt end of the handle, where Link finished him off.   
We heard a loud shrill cry, and a girl wearing what looked like a shower cap with a big grin flipped forwards and attacked Link.  
"AAAYYY! Hey Doseki, please get Little Miss Shower Cap off of me!"   
I decided that now was a good time to try out my new crossbow. Loading an arrow, I took aim and FIRED! The arrow hit the flipping girl in her leg, and Link knocked her down with his sword.   
A couple with afros in disco suits pushed forward, striking disco poses while attacking. I took the guy, and Link took the girl.   
Following the afro people was another couple. You remember back in the 1950's when people had big hair and looked like Elvis? These two had the look down perfectly.   
I faced off with the girl, and Link went for the guy.  
She smirked at me and flipped backwards, kicking me in the face.   
"OWIE!" I yelled as I flew to my butt on the ground.   
Link knocked over the guy, killing him, and then with a graceful sword spin, sent the girl who had kicked me reeling and crashing to the floor.   
And then... the scary ones came out.   
Two big robot-looking people with red discs for bodies and "male" symbols for heads hopped out, followed by two big robot-looking people with blue discs for bodies and "female" symbols for heads.   
"WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?" Link cried.   
"Evil!" I said, as one red one and one blue one knocked me against the wall.   
"Well DOI!" he cried back, taking on the other two evil thingies.   
The red one fought with hard punches, and the blue one moved faster with light quick ones. I don't know which one punched me that time, but it sent me into the wall and dazed.  
Then, before I could even think, I was being held straight and smacked into the wall again and again while the other one threw my sword and crossbow across the room.  
"OW! MY! HEAD! LINK! GET! OVER! HERE! PLEASE!" I grunted.  
"I'm a little busy!" he yelled from the other side of the room, where he was being body slammed.   
"SOMEONE HELP!" I yelled. "Link! WHAT! DO! WE! DO? OW!"  
The two discs pushed me against the wall and started going through my pockets. Then, the blue one pulled out a lime green medallion.  
"Chica, HELP!" I cried.   
The blue disc threw the Energy Medallion across the room just as green light shot out of it and Chica appeared in it, in a pair of shorts and a shirt, and mowing the lawn.   
"Yes, what is it?" she asked, turning off the mower. Then, I take it she saw Link and me being thrown against the wall again and again.  
"ACK! EVIL THINGS!" she cried. "All righty, what do you want me to do?"  
"KILL! THEM! OUCH! OOCH! EECH!" Link grunted.  
"All right, hold on!" she said. Chica closed her eyes (well, from what I saw anyway) and the medallion began to glow green.   
Suddenly, a whirl of energy in the form of a cyclone whooshed out of the medallion and around the room, created a huge vortex.   
Disc by disc, they were tugged apart and sucked down into the vortex, where a green flash appeared, and minutes later, they were gone!   
I sat up, trying to stop my bloody nose, and grinned at Chica. "Thank you, it was very much fun!" I groaned.   
Link sat up too, and faced the medallion. "Thank you Chica."   
"No problem," she said. "Is your nose OK, Doseki?"  
"It's fine," I said.  
"Well, so that's how this thing works!" she nodded.   
Suddenly, we heard another voice pierce the room.   
"HEY! STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE AND KEEP MOWING THE LAWN, PLEASE!"   
"Yes, mother!" Chica yelled. Then she rolled her eyes. "Thanks for calling guys, I have to go. Talk to you later!"  
"Bye Chica," I said.   
"See ya," Link said.   
Chica nodded, started up the mower, and the glow faded as the medallion returned to normal.   
  
Link stood up and shook himself off. "Woo, what a wild fight!"   
I wiped off my face with my sleeve. "Yeah, your nose isn't bleeding!"   
Link shrugged and looked around the room. "So... uh, where do we go now?"   
"How about that door to the right?" I suggested, pointing to a door to the right.  
Inside that door was a large square room. No bad guys, though.  
"OK, now what?" Link said to no one in particular.   
Suddenly, the room began to shake, and seven treasure chests popped out of the floor in a large circle.  
Link looked around, sighed in disgust, and said "Oh GREAT! It's the Innocence Temple all over again!"   
"We might as well try one," I said.   
Link slowly walked up to the chest right in front of him, which had a large red letter A on the top.  
"Here goes nothing..." he said.   
He threw the chest open, and we heard a small cry.   
We looked inside, and five tiny Kaeru Zukin dolls hopped out and started biting our ankles.   
Link rolled his eyes and whacked them all with one sword swing.   
"YOU'LL HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT!" he screamed into the sky.   
He stepped over to the one immediately to the right (chest B), and opened it.  
Two small versions of the blue discs popped out, and stared meanly at us. (Uh, for discs, anyway)   
Link laughed. "Oh boy! How scary!"   
Suddenly, one of the blue discs walked up to him, grabbed him by the ankle, and flipped him over and onto his butt.   
"GAH!" he shrieked.   
I quickly grabbed my crossbow and aimed at the one attacking Link. "All right! Stay where you are, or I'll fire!"   
The blue disc looked confused, then started banging Link into the wall.  
"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL QUIT SAVING THE WORLD! JUST PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!" he begged.   
I fired, and the disc fell over dead.   
The other disc tried to grab me, but I took care of him/her/it before he/she/it could.   
Link sat up. "Ow... you know what, I hate those things."   
We looked around at the remaining five chests carefully.   
"One of them is right," I said.   
"And four of them are wrong," Link added.   
"What should we pick?" I asked.   
Link looked all around, and then stepped up to chest D. "Well, your dad's name is Darunia, so let's try the letter D."   
Link opened the chest, and five Shower Cap Girls came out. Mini, of course.   
Link grabbed his hooky thing and aimed at one. BANG!   
I took the crossbow at aimed at another. BOOM!  
Link used his hooky thing on a third and a fourth. POW! ZAP!  
And I finished off the last one with my sword. WHAM!  
"So much for that," I said. "All right... let's try... chest F!"   
"Why chest F?" Link asked.   
"My dad's middle name is Flint." I replied.   
"Darunia Flint Goron... nice name!" Link chuckled.   
I opened chest F, and no DDR dolls popped out. Instead, it was a large gray door-mat looking thing.  
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND A DDR PAD! BUT WHY USE IT HERE? IT'S FOR THE PLAYSTATION AS WELL AS THE ARCADE, SO LINK, YOU'D BETTER USE YOUR ANTI-PLAYSTATION TONGS AND PICK IT UP AND PUT IT IN A NICE, SAFE, PLAYSTATION-PROOF BAG FOR SAFEKEEPING. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEED IT!  
  
Link took out a large pair of tongs and took out a plastic bag, and he placed the DDR pad in the bag.   
"No chances taken!" he said.   
Then, the floor began to shake, and a large square hole appeared in the floor.   
"Should we go down?" I asked.  
"No where else to go," he said. "So what the heck?"   
"Uh, should we... lower ourselves?" I asked. "You never know."  
"Last time we did that, you landed on top of me weighing in at 600 pounds."  
"Well now I weigh only 150 pounds, get over it!"  
"Nah, just jump," he said.   
"OK."   
We stood at the side of the hole and looked down.   
"You first." I said.  
"No, you first."  
"Come on, I'm afraid of heights."  
"Yeah, we found that out in Gerudo Valley."  
"Hey, I resent that remark!"   
"It's true."  
"So what? Be nice,"   
"fine, fine. I'll go first. If something happens to me, run."  
"... something's gonna happen to you?"  
"Not necessarily, I'm saying, 'IF'."  
Then, he jumped down into the hole.  
  
I waited a few seconds, and then I heard a loud shriek from below.   
"GYAAAAAH! GET YER HANDS OFF ME!"   
Link! He was in trouble!  
He told me to just run away...  
But... no! He saved me from Teletubbies and Dark GG in the Galaxy Temple... He saved me from falling to my death in Gerudo Valley... he saved me from an evil crayon and a giant lunch bag in the Energy Temple... he saved me from bullies and getting my arm carved off in Clock Town...  
No way was I going to let my buddy down now!  
"LINK! I'M COMING!" I screamed. Then, I jumped!  
  
When I landed, I saw Link being held to the wall by a red disc, and another two red discs beating him up.   
"OW! OOCH! OOOUCH!" he shrieked.   
I grabbed my sword, sliced the disc that was holding Link until it was dead, and then I killed the other ones.   
Link sighed, and grabbed his stomach. "Ow... my spleen..."  
"Are you all right?" I asked concernedly.   
"I'm fine," he said. "Thank you, Doseki."   
We took our first good look around the room. It was a huge wide room with four doors, one in each compass direction. The door to the south was stuck shut by a huge steel wall.  
"All right... now, where to?" asked Link.  
I noticed a small treasure chest near the north door, and we ran over to it.   
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! OF COURSE, IT'S A LITTLE LATE NOW, BECAUSE THE DUNGEON IS LIKE, HALF OVER. PUH, STUPID TEMPLE BUILDERS.  
  
"Well, while we're here, let's stop in this door," Link suggested.   
We opened the door, and in the center of the room (which had bright neon lights and the DDR pad design all over the walls), we saw a really, really tall version of the Shower Cap Girl.  
"WELCOME TO MY ROOM OF PAIN! STEP UP TO THE PODIUM AND SPEAK YOUR NAME!" she hissed.   
"Uh, Link." Link said.   
"Doseki Musha AKA Little Link of the Gorons," I said.   
"EMI IS MY GIVEN NAME, AND YOU MUST PLAY MY DANCING GAME! PLUG YOUR PAD AND OPEN YOUR EYES, IF YOU WIN YOU'LL GET A MYSTERY PRIZE!" Emi said evilly.   
Link took the DDR pad in the bag out of the bag, and plugged the plug into the podium on which Emi stood.   
"WATCH MY FEET, DO WHAT I DO, OR ELSE I'LL WIN AND I'LL KILL YOU!" Emi laughed. "WHO IS MOST THE WINNINGEST? HE MUST PLAY ME, AND I'M THE BEST!"   
Emi pointed at Link. "YOU ARE THE BEST DANCER OF ALL! STEP RIGHT UP, AND TAKE YOUR FINAL FALL!"  
Link's eyes popped open, and he put his sword on his back, and stepped onto the center of the pad.   
Emi laughed, and turned around. Then, the music started, and she started to dance.   
Link tried to follow her, but he didn't seem to be doing a good job.   
"Come on Link! You can do it!" I screamed.   
He frowned, and then he began to go actually in step with Emi. She tried several times to throw him off, but he stayed sharp, and the song ended.   
"ARRGGGHHH!" Emi shrieked. She grabbed her hair in anger, and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.   
In her place stood... uh, her.   
Except not-so-evil looking.   
She laughed, and said "Thank you for freeing me! The curse of the DDR Demon was holding me in this room, and now I can return to the game where I belong!"   
Link shrugged, and picked up the pad. "It was nothing,"  
Emi giggled, and smiled at us. "As a reward for freeing me, I will give you this magic spell. This is a spell called the 'Meteo Spell'. If you use it, it will drain all of your magic power, and it will cause rocks to rain down from the sky and onto your enemies!"   
"COOOOOOOL!" Link said in awe.   
Emi held up her hands, and a black ball of fire appeared. A clear crystal enclosed it, and Link took it from her and tucked it in his pocket.   
"Good luck dispelling the DDR Demon!" Emi said. "Hey wait a sec... that's a bit TOO alliterated! HMMPH! Goodbye!" she said, and then she disappeared, this time for real.  
  
LINK AND DOSEKI GOT THE METEO SPELL! THIS SPELL, "BORROWED" FROM FINAL FANTASY, GIVES LINK (SORRY DOSEKI!) THE POWER TO CAUSE ROCKS TO FALL FROM THE SKY. YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR ALL THE DAMAGE THE ROCKS DO, AND IT USES ALL OF YOUR MAGIC POWER, SO USE IT WISELY!  
  
"Cool, I get a spell!" Link said smugly.   
"Fine then! I get the next treasure!" I said.   
A treasure chest appeared where Emi had disappeared, and Link opened it.   
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FINALLY GOT THE COMPASS! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DOES, DO I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU EVERY DUNGEON? SHEESH, YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!  
  
Back in the main hallway, Link peered at the east and west doors.  
"Well," he said. "Where do you suppose we go now?"  
"Let's go east," I said.   
  
Upon entering the east door, we found it a lot like the other one, except this time we found ourselves faced with a big version of the Elvis guy.  
"JOHNNY IS HERE! TO CAUSE YOU FEAR! THE LITTLE ONE! THIS TIME HAS FUN!  
Link plugged the DDR pad into Johnny's podium, and motioned to it for me. "Good luck, Doseki," he said.   
I stepped up to the pad, sweating like a pig.   
Johnny turned around, and the music started.   
It was hard! This guy went so fast, and he was so hard! I had trouble keeping up!   
"Come on Doseki! You gotta do it for... uh... your dad!"   
DAD!   
I stepped, and stepped, and stepped, and AHA!   
I BEAT HIM!  
Johnny was just as mad as Emi had been, and when he disappeared, the real nice Johnny was in his place.  
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" he said, Elvis-style. "Yo little dude... take this as a token of your bravery."  
He handed me a small silver wand with a DDR pad design on the end, and then vanished as quickly as he had come.   
  
LINK AND DOSEKI GOT THE DDR WAND! THIS WAND HAS A DDR SYMBOL ON THE END, AND IT SURROUNDS LINK AND DOSEKI IN A SOUNDPROOF BARRIER OF DDR PADS. VERY USEFUL IN A BAD SITUATION! IT MIGHT ALSO WORK ON SOME VILLAINS, IF YOU FEEL LIKE BARRIERING THEM. GIVE IT A WHIRL!  
  
"Wow! I wanna try!" I cried.   
"On who?" asked Link.  
I smiled smugly, and pointed it at Link.   
"Oooooh no, no way! Doseki, I am not going to..."  
BANG!   
Link was surrounded by lots and lots of kinda transparent DDR pads. He banged on them and tried screaming, but I couldn't hear anything but the spinning pads.  
Finally, the spell wore off and he came out, very angry.  
"DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!" he screamed.   
  
We trudged on out to the West room, and I stopped Link from opening the door.   
"Link, I don't feel good about this room..." I said quietly.   
"Don't be silly, it's fine!" he said.   
He opened the door, and at least 20 red and blue discs stared right back at us.   
"Don't you say a word," he said.   
They all screamed and ran to attack.   
Suddenly, I thought fast.   
"EAT THIS, YOU CHEESE MONKEYS!" I screamed, borrowing a line from Yumi.   
I pulled out the Energy Pen in one hand and the DDR Wand in another, and started firing.   
The Energy Pen killed the guys, and the DDR wand trapped them in a barrier so Link could take care of them.  
In what seemed like no time at all, I wiped out all of them with Link's help.  
"Wow! Great thinking, Doseki!" he said. "I never would have guessed!"  
"I'm not that stupid, Link." I complained.   
"Sorry, I just... you know!"   
I shrugged. "Oh well. TO THE SOUTH DOOR!"   
  
Standing in front of the south door, Link and I were somewhat perplexed at what to do. (Thanks for the word, GG!)  
"Hey wait, I got an idea!" Link said. "Stand back, Doseki. This just might hurt..."  
He pulled out the small crystal that Emi had given us, and started to read the directions on it.   
"Let's see... 'place arms above head, twirl around once, make grunty noises, and put arms down on ground.' Well, sounds easy enough!"   
He placed his arms above his head, twirled around once, made a couple of grunty noises, and put his arms down on the ground.   
A whirl of black smoke surrounded him, and went up into the ceiling, and the room started to rumble.   
Rocks began tumbling out of nowhere, and crashed into the steel wall, denting it all over the place.   
I got on the ground and covered my head, and so did Link. In a few minutes, everything went silent and we looked up.  
The wall had been completely taken down by the tumbling rocks, revealing a door behind it!   
"Come on, let's go!" I said. "Clement... er, Jigglypuff, has got to be in one of these rooms!"   
  
Inside the next room was a gigantic podium like the ones Johnny and Emi had used. The walls were covered in neon DDR wallpaper, and in the center of the podium stood Jigglypuff!   
He was back to his normal, round, pink self. Except, well... he kind of didn't look the same.   
"MWEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA!" he laughed.   
"That's Dark Jigglypuff all right," I said.   
Jigglypuff stepped up to a microphone at the front of the podium, stepped up to it, and jumped up. He pulled the extendable pole down until it reached his size, and he spoke.   
"LET THE ONE WHO IS CALLED DOSEKI MUSHA STEP FORWARD!" he said in a deep eerie voice.   
I did so.   
"PLUG YOUR DDR PAD INTO THE PODIUM," he said.   
I did so.   
"NOW, KNOW THIS: I AM THE MASTER OF DDR! MY MASTER, THE MYSTERIOUS DDR DEMON, HAS BLESSED ME WITH THE POWERS OF DANCE! I AM UNDEFEATABLE! AND YOU WILL NOT BE THE FIRST TO BEAT ME!"   
"Yes we will!" I screamed. "Link and I will kick your butt!"   
Dark Jigglypuff laughed wickedly, and snapped his fingers. A large cage decorated with neon lights fell from the ceiling and around Link.  
"HEY!" he yelled. "Let me go!"   
Dark JP laughed, and spoke into the microphone again. "DOSEKI MUSHA, I HAVE HEARD THAT YOU ARE QUICK ON YOUR FEET!"   
"Let Link go!" I yelled. "Oh, and thank you."  
"I WILL NOT LET HIM GO! AND LET'S JUST SEE HOW FAST YOUR FEET MOVE IF I DO THIS!"   
Dark JP raised up his arms and a black spiral of... magic stuff surrounded me.   
I felt myself getting shorter, and shorter, and I felt a sudden lightness on my neck.   
The spirals faded.  
I look down. I was a Goron again!   
AND THE INNOCENCE MEDALLION WAS GONE!  
"Hey!" I yelled in my non-Canadian voice. "What did you do to me?"  
"I SIMPLY TOOK AWAY YOUR HUMAN ABILITIES! NOW, WE SHALL SEE HOW GOOD YOU REALLY ARE!"  
Dark Jigglypuff laughed, and snapped his fingers again. A long pull cord with a banner on it that said "DUB-I-DUB AKA DEEEAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHHHHH- MUSIC" dropped down from the ceiling.   
Dark JP pulled the cord, and music started up.  
"LET'S SEE WHO REALLY IS BETTER!" Dark JP laughed, and he began to step.  
Now let me tell you something right here: Being a Goron and playing Dance Dance Revolution is NOT the easiest thing in the world. It's actually pretty hard.   
My foot just wouldn't get there fast enough! And Dark JP just kept laughing.   
I saw a left arrow rise up on the wall. I quickly pressed it, and suddenly, I felt an electric buzz run through me.   
"OW!" I yelled.  
"THE MORE YOU MISS, THE MORE IT HURTS!" he giggled maniacally. "BETTER HURRY UP AND GET IT GOING!"  
I hurried up, but there was no going to get.   
"LL!" Link screamed from in the cage. "You can do it! Just keep trying!"   
"UGH!" I said, as I missed again. "I'm trying, I'm trying!"   
BZZZLLLLLT!   
"OWIE!" I yelled. "You are a poopy butt, Mr. Evil Jigglypuff!"  
I stepped forward, and BANG! I scored a perfect on accuracy!  
So, THAT was his secret. Eh heh heh... he would watch the arrows and memorize them, THEN step. He had plenty of time to spare, and almost always got a perfect.  
BANG! Another perfect!  
BANG! ANOTHER perfect!  
Dark JP realized that his plan had failed. He said a few curses, and then the podium vanished, the DDR pad reappeared in the bag, and he began to float in the air.   
"ALL RIGHT! IT'S TIME TO FIGHT THIS JUGGLYPUFF-STYLE!" he said angrily. He made a huge fist, and flew through the air at me.   
"YIKES!" I yelled, and I leaped out of the way the best I could.   
He turned around and stepped out his left foot. A big left arrow appeared and started to chase me around the room.  
"AYYY!" I yelled. "WHERE'S MY SWORD WHEN I NEED IT?"  
"LL!" Link screamed. "The walls! I think they're reflective!"  
The left arrow vanished suddenly, and I knew what I had to do!  
Jigglypuff shot a backwards arrow, and just before it hit me, I rolled out of the way and it bounced off the wall.  
RIGHT INTO HIM!   
"OUCH!" he screamed. Then he growled. "DIIEEEEEE! NOW I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!"  
Jigglypuff pulled a microphone out of his pocket and cleared his throat.   
"JIIIII-GGLY PUFF, JIG-A-LYYYYYYYYY-PUFF," he sang sweetly.   
It was so soothing... and so quiet...  
NO! Must... stay... awake!  
"JIIIII-GGLY PUFF, JIG-A-LYYYYYYYYY-PUFF,"  
NOOOOO! MUST SAVE LINK AND JIGGLYPUFF!  
That's when I remember something. Back at Death Mountain... right after the Galaxy Temple... I stuck a few of those rocks in my pocket for later...  
I pulled one out and chucked it at Jigglypuff, which knocked the microphone away, and sent him reeling into the wall.  
"OW! PUNY HUMAN!" Dark Jigglypuff growled.  
He stood up, and snapped his fingers, and another microphone appeared.   
"ENOUGH SINGING!" I yelled, and I pitched another rock at him, which knocked him down.  
Suddenly, something flew out of his pocket.   
MY MEDALLION!  
I rolled quickly towards it.  
He sat up, and started running for it.  
I rolled, he ran.  
And I got it first!   
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, POWER!" I yelled, and the orange/yellow light shot out, holding Jigglypuff in his place.  
"THE POWER OF THE DDR DEMON WILL PREVAIL! NOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed. Then, the light faded, and Jigglypuff fell over, passed out.   
One flash of light later, Jigglypuff was in his human form again. I noticed the same black chain around his wrist. It faded, and hit the ground, and disintegrated.  
The cage Link was imprisoned in vanished too, and he raced over to join me.   
I slipped the Innocence Medallion back around my neck, and we stepped over the Jigglypuff's drooling, unconscious form.  
"Is he OK?" I asked.   
"All the others have been, he'll be fine," Link said.  
Then, there was a flash of smoke, yadda, yadda, yadda... and Jigglypuff was gone.  
A treasure chest rose up in his place, and Link opened it up.  
  
LINK AND LITTLE LINK/DOSEKI/WHOEVER GOT THE DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION KEY! THIS IS A BRONZE KEY WITH A DDR PAD SYMBOL ON THE END. IT UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO THE BOSS ROOM. IN FACT, THAT'S IT, RIGHT OVER THERE, TO THE SOUTH OF YOU. NO, A LITTLE TO THE LEFT... YEAH, THAT'S IT.  
  
"Here goes nothing..." Link said, as he stepped up to the door and opened it.   
  
In the center of the room, which was identical to the first, was a big... giant... glowing... BALL OF... uh, stuff!  
Electric-looking flashes emanated (again, thanks for the word, GG!) from all over it, and it made a horrible screaming noise when it saw us. Er, I think it saw us, it had no eyes.  
  
NMR: THE MYSTERIOUS DDR MUSICIAN THING WHO NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN WHOSE SONGS ARE BORING AND EVIL  
  
NMR laughed evilly and formed a big glowing lit-up hand from its body. The hand reached out, and prepared the slap us into goo.  
"RUN!" Link screamed.  
"Oh, brilliant strategy! Thanks, Napoleon!" I whined, borrowing a phrase from GG.  
I curled up into a ball and rolled away. I was still a Goron, remember?  
Link ran as fast as he could.  
"How do we kill it?" he yelled.  
"I'll distract it, you figure it out!" I replied.   
Turning around quickly, I rolled the other direction. I could vaguely see a big hand following me.  
One wrong move and I was finger-jam!  
I passed Link by and stopped.  
"Hand me a bomb!" I said.   
He quickly threw one to me, and I curled up around it. I rolled as fast as I could over to the NMR, and held still until...  
BOOM!  
The monster howled in pain, and I sat up, dizzy as a dead Dodongo.   
Suddenly, the monster flashed red, and just as I rolled away, it turned into a very, very large version of the guy with the vest and spiky hair.  
The guy scowled at us, and created a big ball of glowy stuff, like what the NMR was made of. Then, he hurled it.  
"WHAT DO WE DOOOO? WHAT DO WE DOOOOOO?" I wailed.   
"Try using the DDR Wand!" Link yelled.   
I shrugged and pulled out the DDR Wand, lined up the shot, and BANG!   
We were surrounded by a barrier of DDR pads, and the shots just bounced off of us.   
"HAHA!" I laughed. "Take that, you big, mean old thingy!"   
Suddenly, I stopped laughing. The guy got down on the ground, and spun like a break dancer. He was shooting those big electric ball thingys like crazy as he spun around.  
The barrier faded as three electric balls smacked into it.  
"WHOA!" Link yelled. "LL, move it!"  
He didn't have to tell me twice! I curled up, stuck the DDR Wand in my pocket, and sped off away from the balls, barely missing a few.  
The guy stopped moving, and stood up. Then, he started to glow green, and a few seconds later, he turned into the disco lady.  
She laughed and started shooting those electric balls like crazy.  
Link and I dodged and ducked like nuts, until...  
BONK!  
"OW!" I yelled.  
"OUCH!" Link yelped.  
We crashed into each other, and fell over on our butts.  
The disco lady laughed, and created one big electric ball. She wound up, and got ready to throw!  
"No where to go!" Link yelled.  
"OH NO! WE'RE DOOMED!" I shrieked.  
The ball pitched through the air, and we got ready to be injured, when a tiny voice cried out:  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
There was a flash of purple, and a small purple bubble appeared in front of the two of us. "FAIRY BARRIER!" it yelled.  
Hey, wait a sec! Bubbles didn't yell! And the bubble was YUMI!  
The electric ball bounced harmlessly off of Yumi's bubble, and back right at the disco lady, hitting her and making her angry.  
"YUMI! YOU'RE BACK!" I cried joyfully.  
"Yeah, yeah... the DDR machines were too big!" she whined, and turned yellow.   
"OK Yumi, now that you're here... HELP!" Link screamed.  
Yumi turned yellow. "That's NMR, the DDR Demon. But right now, he's turned into his 'Janet' form! The only way to defeat him is to stun him to turn him back into the blob, then hit the big glowy thingy inside him!"   
"And how do we stun him?" I asked.  
"Well jeez, I don't know! Try using that Meteo Spell!"   
"Can't," Link said, "All my magic power is gone!"   
"OK then... try using a bomb or something!"   
"I know!" I said. I stole another bomb from Link, and curled up around it after lighting the fuse.  
I rolled right into "Janet", and the bomb exploded right on cue!  
She screamed in pain and turned back into a blob.  
"OK LINK! IT'S UP TO YOU!" I said.  
Link pulled out his bow, and fired three arrows at the big glowy thing. They hit it, and the blob began to shake angrily.  
Another big blobby hand reached out.  
"RUN!" Link cried again.  
I grabbed yet another bomb and rolled right into the blob just before the hand squished Link and Yumi.  
KABOOM!  
The blob shuddered and Link fired a few more arrows.  
Finally, it seemed NMR was losing his touch. The electric thingys got less and less accurate, and finally, it was easy just rolling bomb into him.  
KABOOM!  
The blob screamed in rage, and exploded, spraying everyone in the room with disgusting green guts.  
  
"EWWWW! ALL OVER MY NEW SWEATER!" Yumi whined.  
"Gross!" Link moaned.  
"Sick!" I shuddered.  
We kind of scrubbed the guts off of us, and a warp portal appeared in the corner.   
"All right, another temple boss behind us, finally!" I grinned.  
"And you did it without turning into Doseki!" Yumi smiled.  
Link, Yumi and I stepped into the portal and rose out of there and into nowhere. Well, sort of.  
  
Destiny seemed ecstatic as we appeared in the Chamber of Sages.  
  
**WOW, I REALLY UNDERESTIMATED YOU GUYS. YOU TOTALLY WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND MY EXPECTATIONS IN THAT TEMPLE!**  
  
"So you think we're incompetent?" Link asked kind of crossly.  
  
**AH, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, QUIT TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY!**  
  
"So Destiny... how are things?" I asked.  
  
**CONSIDERING AN UNIDENTIFIED MADMAN IS ABOUT TO SCREW UP TIME, PRETTY GOOD.**  
  
There were two consecutive flashes, and Galaxy Girl and Chica appeared on the silver blue and lime green circles. They were both sipping something from a cup labeled "Frappeccino".  
"Mmm... there are good iced mochas!" Chica commented between sips.  
"Definitely," GG replied. "Oh, hi LL, hi Link! Hi Yumi!"   
"Hi guys, what's up?" Chica asked.  
  
**LINK AND LITTLE LINK HAVE JUST AWAKENED THE THIRD AUTHOR SAGE, AND YOU TWO ARE THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE!**  
  
"Oh." Chica said. "Well, bring him or her on in!"  
A dark green flash of light later, Jigglypuff, back to his old human self, stood on the dark green DDR seal next to Chica.  
"Whoa... talk about a weird morning!" Jigglypuff laughed.   
"Nice to see you back to normal, JP!" Link chuckled.  
"Nice to BE back to normal, Link!" Jigglypuff replied.   
He shrugged. "Well guys, what can I say but... thank you, for un-evilifying me."  
"That's our job!" I said happily.  
"Even though ONE OF US wasn't as committed as the rest of us!" Link said, eyeing Yumi.  
"Oh, that reminds me!" Jigglypuff said. "Destiny wants to thank you for your hard work awakening half of us by giving you guys a new mask!"  
"REALLY?" I said in awe.  
  
**YES, REALLY.**  
  
"Cool. What does it do? Where is it?" Link asked.  
  
**CALM DOWN THERE, BIG BOY. THE MASK IS IN A TREASURE CHEST IN THE MUSIC GAME ARCADE ROOM OF THE DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION TEMPLE. YOU KNOW, WHERE YUMI WENT.**  
  
"Oh." I said. "How do we get it?"   
"I'll send you back there after we talk for a bit," Jigglypuff said. "But since you guys are on a strict time limit, it's too bad you can't play with some of the arcade games in there."  
"Hey, can we come, Jigglypuff?" GG asked eagerly.  
"Sure. You can come in my temple anytime!" he said. "In fact, let's take care of business and we'll go play some DDR!"  
"ALL RIGHT!" Chica grinned.  
I frowned.  
"Don't worry, LL, you can come in after you save the world!" GG said.   
"YAY!" I cheered.  
"All right, since you destroyed the DDR Demon and got rid of the evil thingy or whatever that came over me, I guess I owe you at least this." Jigglypuff said, holding up his hands.  
A deep green medallion tumbled down from the ceiling, and Link reached to catch it.  
"Look Link, it's Zelda!" I said quickly.  
"WHERE?" he cried, looking around.  
I stole the medallion right in mid air while he was distracted.  
  
LITTLE LINK/DOSEKI GOT THE DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION MEDALLION! JIGGLYPUFF AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HIS MEDALLION. IF YOU USE IT, YOU CAN CALL UP JIGGLYPUFF WHENEVER YOU NEED HELP, AND HE'LL COME TO THE RESCUE. THE FIRST 20 MINUTES ARE FREE, AND IT'S ONLY 7 RUPEES A MINUTE AFTER THAT, SO... WAIT. NO, NEVERMIND.  
  
Link scowled at me. I grinned back.  
  
**OK BOYS, BEFORE YOU GO TO GET THE NEW MASK, LET ME TELL YOU THE CLUE TO THE NEXT TEMPLE.  
  
SIX AGE-OLD ZORA PILLARS  
ANCIENT SECRETS THEY DO KEEP  
HERE UPON THIS HOLY GROUND  
LIES THE HIDDEN GATE YOU SEEK**  
  
"Thank you, Jigglypuff and Destiny!" I said happily.  
"Hey, let's go play DDR now!" Jigglypuff suggested. "And I'll take you three to get your mask, too."  
"Be right there!" Chica said, and she disappeared.  
"Me too! See you in five seconds, LL!" GG added, and she vanished too.  
  
**ALL RIGHT YOU TWO. GOOD LUCK WITH THE NEXT TEMPLE, AND REMEMBER TO LOOK FOR SHEIK. TILL NEXT TIME, THIS IS DESTINY! SIGNING OFF!**  
  
We were surrounded by the same warp portal light, and the two of us floated off to our destination with Yumi close behind.  
  
Seconds later, we landed in the second room of the DDR Temple, where we had seen the Kaeru Zukin dolls and Yumi had disappeared. This time, the huge door was unlocked, and we heard music inside.  
We opened up the door, and found more DDR and arcade games than I had ever seen! They had everything in there, and lots of game token machines that took Rupees and dollars.  
At a DDR machine in the corner, Jigglypuff and Chica were facing off, with GG looking on.  
And at the far end of the room, there was a treasure chest.  
Link raced up to it. "All right, what do we do?"  
Suddenly, the chest opened up, and a small fairy (normal-looking, not like Yumi) appeared from inside it.  
"Welcome to Midi the Fairy's Mask Choose-O-Rama! Please choose which mask you want.   
The Thought Mask...  
The Morph Mask...  
The Item Mask...  
The Voice Mask...  
The Sing-Song Mask...  
The Power Mask...  
Or the Bulging Muscles Mask?"  
"Um, about that Bulging Muscles Mask..." Link said slowly.  
"NO!" I yelled. "Do the Thought mask!"  
"Is that your FINAL Answer?" Midi asked.  
"Uh, yes!" I said, before Link said something dumb.  
A mask shaped like a big blank face appeared in the air near Midi.  
"The Thought Mask allows you to hear other's thoughts. You must be able to see them or hear them to use the mask, and it costs 5 MP a shot!" Midi said.  
"WHAT? How cheap!" Link whined.  
"Take it or leave it!" Midi said, annoyed.  
"All right, we'll take it!" Link said.  
Midi handed him the mask and then she nodded. "Good luck you two, and see ya!"   
Then she vanished.  
  
Link slipped on the mask, and to tell you the truth, I couldn't tell he had it on.   
"Let's try this out!" Link said. "Think something."   
I thought hard about something.  
"You wish you had a big, juicy rock sirloin!" Link said proudly.  
"That's no contest!" I said. "I always wish I had a big juicy rock sirloin!"   
"So, uh... all right, you put it on and read my thoughts."   
I took the mask from him and put it on. Link gazed around the room randomly.  
Sure enough, I could hear what he was thinking.   
^"Wow, that Chica has a nice @$$..."^ I heard, even though Link's mouth didn't move. ^"And that GG... woo, check out that butt on her!"^  
I didn't hesitate to smack him good.  
"OW! What was that for?" he whined.  
"Don't look at my girlfriend like that!" I yelled.   
"Hey, it does work!" he said.   
The three Author Sages turned to us and waved. "See you guys!" GG yelled. "Good luck!"   
"See ya," Jigglypuff said.  
"Ciao!" Chica grinned.  
We walked out of the Music Game Arcade, and the door slammed shut.  
  
"So..." Link said. "Let's head back to Hyrule, and think about them six age-old pillars."   
"Sounds good to me, I've had a hard day!" I groaned.  
We climbed up the stairs and into the pale moonlight of the wee hours of the morning.   
"OK, turn into Doseki, time to call Epona," Link said.  
"Aw man, do I have to be Doseki AGAIN?" I whined. "I can do fine like this!"   
"Remember last time you rode the horse as LL?"   
"So?"  
"OK, fine. Stay LL if you want."  
Epona rode up to us, and Link got on.  
As I approached Epona to hop on, she recognized my big heavy butt and let out a horrible whinny.  
"WAAAAAAAAACK!" I screamed in fear, and leaped at least five feet in the air, landing on my butt as I came down.  
"On second thought," I said, "A few hours as Doseki would probably be good for me..."  
  
  
Another Temple, another Sage... and it appears that this unknown time terrorist is getting more and more sinister as time goes on! Will Link and LL be able to awaken the last three Sages in a mere four days? Or are they and the rest of Hyrule DOOMED to a future of repetitiveness? Find out as the Sage of Innocence Saga continues in Chapter Ten:  
  
AQUAPHOBIA  
  
-or-  
  
LAKE HYLIA LUNACY!  
  



	10. Lake Hylia Lunacy

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER TEN: LAKE HYLIA LUNACY -or- AQUAPHOBIA  
  
Disclaimer: GG owns this fic. She owns herself, Doseki, and the seven temples. Nintendo owns Zelda. They own Link, Little Link, and pretty much everything else. Other authors own themselves. All authors who appear in this fic are there in the most respected fashion, and should take no offense.  
  
  
Hi everyone! It's me, LL again. Last chapter... well, last chapter was pretty weird. Link, Yumi and I went to Termina and explored the Dance Dance Revolution Temple, where we fought Dark Jigglypuff and a big evil cloud thing. Then, we awakened Jigglypuff, the Sage of DDR, and found our next temple clue.  
  
  
"Ah, it's so nice to be home again!" I sighed, taking a deep breath and looking up at the Hylian sky. The sun had just risen, and it was a beautiful day.  
We had to have been less than a mile away from the Hyrule/Termina border.  
"No kidding," Link said. "I never want to go back to Termina for as long as I live..."  
Yumi stood up from her place on my (Goron) shoulder. "So... where do you think the next temple could be, Link?"  
"'Six age-old Zora pillars...' that sounds like Lake Hylia." Link said.   
"Ooh! I've never been there!" I breathed. "What's a 'lake'?"  
Link laughed and rolled his eyes. "The river dumps into one," he said. "You know what a river is!"   
"Uh... I'm confused..." I said.   
Link groaned and rolled his eyes. "Never mind, you'll learn when we get there."  
"How long is it? Are we there yet?" I whined. "I'm hungry!"  
Link patted Epona's nose, and pulled her reins over to the left. "Come on, girl. I would be riding you if this guy would just turn into a human already,"  
"I told you, I want a break!" I whined again.  
"I'm fine with that, as long as you'll turn into a human when I need you to,"  
I shrugged. "OK, whatever."  
  
After hours and hours of walking, I got so tired I decided to whine to Link until we could stop.  
"Liiiiink, I'm tired! Let's stop!" I begged him.  
"LL, it's only been 10 minutes since the last time you stopped."  
"So?"   
Yumi laughed. "Don't worry, LL, we're almost there!"   
I sighed. "I wish I knew what a lake was. Then I might be a little more excited."  
"You'll see," Link said. "Oh hey, there's the gates to the lake right up there!"  
  
Iron gates lined both sides of the path, and there appeared to be no way to get in!  
Link led me over to the right, where there was a tiny ladder tucked down against the wall.  
"Can you climb ladders?" he asked.  
"Oh, sure I can! Every Goron can... well, no."  
"You can't climb a ladder?"  
"Why do you think there are only ramps in Goron City?" I snapped.   
"All right then, I'll climb, and then when I get up, I'll help you. All right?"  
"Fine with me," I said.  
I watched him go up the ladder, putting one foot up above the other one and then doing the same thing with his hands. I think I understood...  
"All right LL, I'm up. Now, just reach up and I'll pull you up.  
I reached. He was about a foot too high.   
"How about turning into Doseki now?" Link suggested.  
"No. I can do it!" I said. "I'm going to try and climb."  
I stepped up to the ladder, and held on. Then I took my first step up.  
"AGGGH! TOO HIGH! TOOO HIGH!" I wailed.  
"LL, you're only six inches off the ground," Yumi giggled.  
"I'M GONNA FALL AND DIEEEE!" I screamed. "TELL DADDY I LOVE HIM, LINK!"  
Link rolled his eyes. "LL, you're only six inches off the ground. And you'll never get around the gates unless you climb, or turn into Doseki."  
"That's not gonna work," Yumi yelled to him. "LL is afraid of heights no matter which body he's in."  
"LEMME DOWN! LEMME DOWN! PLEASE!" I wailed. "I AM GOING TO FALL!"  
Link rolled his eyes. "Come on, LL. You're being ridiculous."  
I stifled another scream, and took another step up the ladder. "I CAN FEEL IT! THE ICY BREATH OF DOOM UPON MY NECK! AGGGGGH!"  
"You're high enough for me to reach now, LL. Hold on,"  
"HURRY! I'M FAAAAAAALLING!" I wailed.  
Link sighed, reached down, and pulled me up to the top. He was wearing his weird golden gloves, and it seemed like I weighed 500 pounds less to him, I guess.   
I panted and grabbed Link's leg in terror. "IT WAS SO HORRIBLE! I WAS GOING TO FALL... OH! I WAS GONNA FAAAAALL!"  
Link rolled his eyes and grabbed my arm and pulled me up so I was standing.  
"Come on, we still have to get down." Link said.   
He led me to the edge of the ladder, and pointed at the ground. "Now, just jump."  
My eyes almost popped out of my head. "WHAT?"  
"JUMP!" Link said. "Like this!"   
He stepped up to the edge, and leaped down. I peered over very carefully. He looked OK...  
"Come on!" he yelled. "Let's get moving, only four days left now!"  
"I need help!" I said feebly.   
"Oh jeez, have Yumi help you."  
"SHE CAN FLY!" I moaned. "That's no help!"  
"That's true, Link." Yumi cut in.  
I could hear Link's dejected (Again, thanks for the word, GG) sigh all the way from where I was. Very slowly, he took off the Golden Gauntlets and stuck them in his bag. He climbed back up the ladder, and stood next to me.  
"OK, when I say 3, jump!" he said.  
"I DON'T WANNA! HOLD MY HAAAAND!" I wailed. Then I started blubbering.  
SMACK!   
Yumi whapped me on the head. "Get a hold of yourself, man!"   
"OK, OK... I'm OK now..." I sighed.   
Link grabbed my arm. "OK, now 1... 2..."  
"NOOOOO!" I screamed. I leaped into his arms.  
"AAGGH! LL, YOU'RE TOO..."  
Oops, I forgot. He took off the Golden Gauntlet things...  
  
SPLAT!  
  
"OUUUUCH! GET OFF, LL!" he whined, pushing me off.  
"OH LINK! YOU SAVED MY LIFE AGAIN!" I wailed.   
"Yeah, yeah..." he said. "Don't jump into my arms anymore, OK?"  
Yumi flew down to join us. "THAT WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY!"  
"Shut up, Yumi!" Link whined.  
  
A little further along the path, I was trying to apologize to Link.   
"I'm just a little afraid of heights, that's all," I said.  
"It's all right, LL, I told you," he said. "I don't mind. You can be afraid of a few things."  
"Yeah, I know," I said. "I AM afraid of a few things... heights, sometimes... but the one thing that I'm totally and completely afraid of is... WATER!"   
Suddenly, Yumi gasped. "Look guys! There's the lake!"  
We looked up to see a great, big, gigantic, large, deep, body of... WATER!  
"Oh MAN!" I groaned. "I should have seen that coming!"   
  
Link led me down to the surface of the water. I started to notice lots of things around the lake, like a huge building to the left of a small bridge, which led to an island... And to the left of that building were... HEY! SIX PILLARS!  
Link splashed some water in his hat. "Woo, it's hot today. Hey, shouldn't Sheik be showing up anytime soon?"  
"I already did," said a voice.  
"BWAAAAA!" Link screamed. He jumped up, lost his balance, and fell into the lake.  
"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" I laughed. "That was HILARIOUS! Good job, Sheik!"  
Sheik was laughing too, but he helped Link out of the water.  
He scowled at Sheik, wrung out his hat, and put it back on.  
Sheik gave a bow. "Hello, guys. Long time no see."  
Yumi's howling drowned him out. I reached over, and shushed her. "Come on Yumi, he's trying to say something."  
"Thank you, LL." Sheik said. "OK... You have traveled very far already. You have gone past the mountains, into the desert, and even into one crazy video game... now, you will travel into the scariest place of all: Somewhere where ANYTHING can happen. Listen to this, the Rhapsody of Randomness..."  
He pulled out the stringed-thing, and played the song.  
  
______________________________  
________^______________________  
______________________________  
______________________________  
____________________________A__  
  
Link repeated the song on Ocarina, and I dug through his traveling bag until I found my drum. Then, I played it too.   
Sheik put away the thing, and said, "Good. Now, you WOULD be ready to find the temple, but... the catch is, you have to wait until the moon is straight over head as you stand in the center of the pillars."  
"AWW MAN! That means we have... 10 HOURS to kill!" Link whined.   
"Sorry, I didn't make the rules," Sheik said, shrugging. "All right, I'll see you guys later, at the next temple. Ciao."   
And then, he threw a marble-type thing and was gone.  
  
"OK, we have 10 hours to spare." Link said. "So... what do you want to do?"   
"Let's take a walk!" I suggested.   
So, we started walking around, attempting to enjoy the lovely peace of the lake. But unfortunately, a couple of authors I hadn't noticed before were making things tough for us.   
Link led me over towards the bridge, and suddenly, a girl in a lab coat pushed past us.  
"EXCUSE ME! COMING THROUGH!" she said, as she cradled a small vial of blue lake water in her arms.  
"That's Stacie Hawking," I said to Link.   
"Um, pardon me, where are you going?" he asked her retreating self.  
"No time! I have a very important experiment I'm right in the middle of with my master!" Stacie Hawking said, rushing into the building.  
"This could be trouble," Link said. "And we have time, let's go."  
  
Entering the building, which was actually a small laboratory, we saw Stacie presenting the vial to a strange little man with a funny hat.   
"Here you are, master," she said.  
"Hey, is that you again? I told you, I'm not your master!" the little man said.   
"Yes you are! You are the incredibly famous scientist, Dr. Lakeside, and I am your humble apprentice!"   
"I don't have an apprentice!" Dr. Lakeside whined. "OK, well I did, but she has her own potion shop now!"   
"Oh master, you must be getting senile in your old age."   
Dr. Lakeside rolled his huge eyes, and took the vial. "Thanks anyway for the vial, I needed one."  
He opened the vial and dropped a few compounds into it until it turned red, and Stacie slunk over to the corner to perform her own experiments.   
We were just on our way out, when we heard Dr. Lakeside say, "Hey you, Girl-Who's-Not-My-Apprentice, come over here. I need you to hold this for me."  
She ran over, and Link opened up the door to leave.   
"Now, I'll just drip this in..."  
KABOOOM!  
Smoke filled the lab, and Link pushed me outside. "Bleah! Let's get some fresh air,"  
  
Outside, we looked around some more.   
"OK, I am about, really sick of it here." I said. "It's boring! We need to do something entertaining!"   
Link took a few steps in a circle. "I don't think there is that much more to do here, LL."  
Suddenly, we heard two voices screaming at each other from an area near a small garden to the east of the lab.   
"No! I am!"  
"I am!"  
"I am!"  
"I AM!"   
"What on earth..." Yumi started.  
"What's going on over there, Link?" I asked.  
"Let's go see," he said.   
We walked over the hill near the garden, and saw something weird.  
A tall Zora girl was arguing with a normal person. Actually, I recognized that person as the author Myst.   
"I AM!" screamed the Zora.  
"I AM!" screamed Myst.  
"What are you guys doing?" Link yelled.   
The Zora girl turned our way, and she gasped. "LINKY-POO!"  
Suddenly, Link's eyes widened in horror. "OH SH--! It's..."  
Myst turned our way, and howled out, "LINKY-POO!"  
Both of them came running over to us. Link started to back away slowly.  
"Hi Link! I haven't seen you in FOREVER!" said the Zora girl.  
"Oh, uh... Hi, Ruto..." Link said, with a look of absolute horror on his face.  
Ruto? Oh yeah, THAT Ruto. Daddy always talked about her. And I had met her a few times before. I wonder why I didn't recognize a Sage... Oh yeah, all them Zoras look alike.  
Unlike the GORONS!   
  
Ruto looked at me curiously. "Oh, is that DARUNIA'S SON? He's adorable! I haven't seen you in FOREVER, you adorable little thing!"  
"Um, LL." I said.   
"Oh yeah, LL." Ruto said, nodding.  
"Oh yeah, LL!" Myst repeated.  
Ruto groaned and grabbed Link by the shoulder. "Link, you gotta help me! This psycho person ran up to me earlier, claiming that she was Ruto, Princess of the proud Zoras! So, I got really mad, and we got into a fight!"   
"You got into a fight because someone claimed she was you?" Link said, raising an eyebrow.  
"You have to make her leave me alone!" Ruto said. "It's the least you could do!"  
"It's the LEAST you could do!" Myst said.   
Link gave a whistle, and sighed. Then he turned to Myst.  
"Oh Ruto, it's been so long since I last saw you."  
"RAAAAAAAAAAALLY, IT HAS!" Myst said, delighted that someone was finally playing along with her game.  
"Say, Ruto... I saw a great big, tasty loach swimming around here... why don't you go after it, and maybe I'll fix it up for dinner. Just for the two of us..."  
Ruto threw a look of insane jealousy, and Myst giggled and ran over to the lake, diving in, Zora-style.   
She attempted to swish through the water like a Zora, but unfortunately, when you're not a Zora, it just doesn't happen.  
Ruto grinned and threw her arms around Link, who gagged. "Oh THANK YOU, you wonderful, beautiful Hylian!"   
"Ruto, uh... before you say anything..."  
"Oh Link, don't worry. I'm over you, that way. Remember, I'm the Water Sage, and I can't go and get married to the Hero of Time, remember?"  
Link sighed. "OK, thanks. Say, Ruto, have you noticed anything... WEIRD going on at Zora's Domain or Lake Hylia lately?"  
Ruto scratched her (blue, scaly) chin and then looked up. "Well, actually, yes. All these crazy Hylian-looking people have showed up in Zora's Domain, trying to swim around, and we've already had to rescue like, 5 of them cause they couldn't swim... So I came here to relax for a while, and what do you think happens? Some psycho who thinks she's me, and some gal with a bubble following her..."  
Link kind of nervously laughed, and then his eyebrow went up again. "Hey, you said... 'some gal with a bubble following her...' who would that be?"  
Ruto shrugged. "She's around here somewhere. Hey Link, do you know why all these weird people are showing up?"  
"I do," I said. "Some evil guy who we don't know started a virus that brought all of the authors from Fan Fiction.Net here, and erased their memories. Now they all think they belong in Hyrule, and if we don't find three more Author Sages by Saturday in four days, time will screw itself up, and Link will turn 10 again."  
"He's right," Link said. "If we don't stop it, we'll be forced to relive seven years of our lives over and over again."  
Ruto's eyes nearly popped out. "Oh my dear fat daddy! That's like... WEIRD!"  
"You think that's weird, watch this!" Link said, tapping my shoulder.   
I held up my medallion. "Innocence Medallion, Transform!"  
  
~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~  
  
Ruto's eyes DID pop out this time. "WOW!"   
I straightened a wrinkle in my tunic, and held out my hands like a Barker Beauty. "Meet the other me, Doseki Musha. I... LL, that is, am the Sage of Innocence!"   
Ruto grinned. "Wow, you're pretty cute as that Doseki guy, LL..."  
I retched. "AGH! Ruto, I'm only 14!"  
"Oh yeah, and I'm 20..." Ruto said. "Sorry LL, I don't think my dad would like me dating other races..."  
Link almost laughed.  
Ruto nodded. "Hello from the Sage of Water. Is there anything I can do to help?"  
"If you see any other weird people around here, tell us, please!" Link said.   
"All right... Hey guys, let's go for a walk," Ruto suggested. "Maybe we'll find that girl then."  
  
A COUPLE HOURS LATER...  
  
"... And that's where my mom met my daddy, and that's where we Zoras go to lay our eggs every year..."  
Link yawned. "That's fascinating, Ruto. But when I asked you to show us around, I was hoping you'd tell us about the pillars, or the temple that's around here."   
"OK," she said. We were out on the island at the center of the lake, and the sun was about an hour from going down.  
Ruto pointed at the pillars all the way across the lake, where Link and I would play the Rhapsody of Randomness to open the next temple, wherever it was."Those pillars were built ages ago, and if you follow the path they create straight across the lake, you'll find the Water Temple, which is the temple I guard as the Water Sage."  
"Not that temple. The other one!" Link whined.  
"Don't be so rude, Link!" Yumi yelled.   
"Oh... There was a rumor about another temple somewhere around here that was connected to the Water Temple some way..." Ruto said, as if to herself.   
"Do you see anyone around here?" I whispered to Link.   
"Nope. Just keep looking," he said.   
Suddenly, I heard voices arguing from the shore of the lake.   
"Zel, come on! Quit playing around! Don't you need to get back home?"  
"You silly bubble, whoever you are! I AM home!"  
I spun around, and saw a girl at the far end of the lakeshore. She had long brownish hair, and blue eyes, and she was wearing a... tattered sailor outfit?  
Hey wait, I knew her! It was Sailor Zel!  
But who was the bubble?   
  
"Link, look!" I yelled.  
Yumi, Ruto, and Link turned around to see Sailor Zel arguing with the bubble.  
"There she is!" Ruto cried. "That's the crazy girl!"   
"We have to go talk to her!" Link said. "Ruto, could we be... alone with her for a bit?"  
"Oh, I understand..." she said. "Saving the world and all..."   
Suddenly, she did something totally strange and unpredictable.  
She grabbed Link's shoulders, held his head in her hands, and gave him a big, fat kiss on the lips!  
Link screamed even though his mouth was covered up, and Yumi and I gasped, and turned around to avoid watching it.  
Ruto's eyes were closed, and she seemed to be enjoying it.  
Link was screaming and gagging.  
"...MWAAAAA!" Ruto said, finishing the kiss.  
Link's eyes were popped out, and he screamed. "AAGGH, RUTO! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"  
"Oh, sorry Link... Eh heh heh... force of habit!" she giggled. "I'd better be going now... Good bye! Bye Doseki, or LL, or both of you! Good luck!"   
And she dove into the lake and shot off towards the Zora shortcut.   
  
Link screamed again, and started spitting all over. Then, he ran over to the side of the island near the lake, hung his head over the ledge, and... well, he threw up.  
Yumi and I sat there silently for a minute, listening to Link screaming and gag and retch and say, "Oh the humanity! Oh Great Deku Tree, say she didn't just..."  
Finally, when he seemed done, I walked over to him, and said quietly, "Are you OK?"   
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he wailed. "WAAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAA!"  
"Link, what was she doing?" I asked him. "What did she do? It looked like torture!"  
He gagged. "Well, with anyone else, it would be sorta fun... but with Ruto, it IS TORTURE!"  
And then he burst out crying.  
"Pull yourself together!" I cried. "It was just a little kiss!"  
"HER TONGUE TOUCHED MY UVULA!" he wailed.  
"UGGH!" Yumi gagged.  
"What's an uvula?" I asked.  
He wailed again, and rolled over, facing the sky, staring, and crying.  
I decided that now was not the best time to bring up the fact that Sailor Zel was across the lake, and that she may have some information about the next temple or another author that might be the Sage. Or the fact that he had just made out with a big fish.  
After what seemed like a long time, he sat up, blew his nose on his sleeve, and cleared his throat.   
"OK... I'm all right now..."  
  
The sky was darkening, not only from the sunset, but from dark clouds that kept moving in from nowhere. The wind was starting to blow a little harder.  
As we rushed across the bridge, we could hear Zel arguing with the little bubble.  
"You are Sailor Zel, the Guardian of Randomness!"  
"I am Umi, and I'm the assistant to Bob the Fishing Pond Guy!"   
"Come on Zel, you have to remember! Don't you remember me?"  
"I swear, I've never seen you before," Zel said. "You must be mistaken."  
"Don't be stupid, Zel! You know me! It's me, your faithful sidekick, Morpha!"   
Link nodded. "I know him. He used to be in control of the Water Temple down there."   
"He's not very scary!" I commented.  
"Eh, well, I did almost kill him," Link said.  
As we approached them, the bubble (Morpha) turned towards us, and gasped.   
"AACK! IT'S HIM!" he said. "You're on your own Zel, see ya."  
He disappeared.  
Zel turned towards us too. "Oh, hello!" she said. "How are you today?"  
"We're... OK." I said. "Who are you?"   
"Name's Umi. I'm working over at the fishing guy's place."  
"Hi Umi, I'm Doseki!" I said.  
"And I'm Link. This is Yumi," Link said.  
"Nice to meet you," she said. "Hey, do you guys know who that goofy bubble was? He was so sure he knew me, but I've never seen him before!"  
"Nope, never seen him either," I said coolly.  
Zel nodded. "Well... um, I'd better be getting back to work. The fishing guy said it looks like there may be a storm tonight."  
"Oh. OK..." Link said.   
She turned to leave, but Link quickly brought her back into conversation. "Um... yeah... so... how are you?"   
"I'm fine," she said. "How are you?"  
"I'm good." Link said. "Are you good Doseki?"  
"Yeah, I'm good."  
"Me too," Yumi added.  
This had to be the most boring conversation ever.  
  
Zel began to admire the pillars that we were standing by. "These are such pretty pillars. Look at all the designs on them! Those Zoras have such an interesting culture!"  
"I like Gorons, myself." I said smugly.  
"Ah, they're cute." Zel replied.   
"Uh, listen, Zel... have you noticed anything strange going on lately?" Link asked her.  
"No, not lately. Why?"  
He shrugged. "I don't know..."  
"Well, besides the bubble, I have noticed the lake water getting a bit more stormy lately."  
The wind began to pick up, and the water started getting choppy.   
I backed away from the lakeshore. "I hate storms..."   
"Oh, I don't know. They're pretty cool sometimes," Zel said calmly.   
Suddenly, a figure raced past us from the water headed toward the path away from the lake. It was Myst, soaking wet.  
"Oh Linky-Poo, I couldn't catch the fish. I'm leaving! There's a storm coming in!" she said, and she raced off.  
Zel watched her go, and raised her eyebrows. "Uh... you... know her?"  
"Uh... heh heh, yeah. We were roommates in college," he said.   
The wind was howling by now, and debris was blowing all over. Big waves started to wash up on the lake surface.  
"I'd better be going now!" Zel screamed above the wind and water. "Wow, who would have guessed that storm could come in so quickly?"   
She turned towards a small island with a building on it across the lake a little ways, and started running. "Bye guys!" she screamed.  
"BYE Z- ER, UMI!" I cried.  
"SEE YA LATER!" Link yelled.   
Suddenly, I felt a tugging on my tunic. "DOSEKI! LINK! WAVE!" Yumi shrieked.  
"Why, Yumi? We already said goodbye to her!" Link said.  
"NOT THAT KIND OF WAVE!" Yumi cried. "I MEAN, WAAAAAVE!"  
  
Turning towards the lake, we saw a gigantic wave, moving from across the lake slowly towards us...  
"AAGGGGHHH!" Link screamed.  
"DOUBLE AAGGGGHHH!" I screamed too.  
We saw Zel shoot off running up higher away from the wave, and we decided it might be a good idea to do the same thing.  
Link grabbed my arm and sped off, with Yumi close behind.  
"GO! DOSEKI, RUN!" he yelled.   
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE!" I yelled back.  
We heard the wave crash up behind us, and a strong splash of mist whooshed against us from the aftermath of the wave.  
We also heard a scream.  
I tried to turn around to see who it was, but Link kept running.  
"COME ON, DOSEKI! LET'S GO!" he yelled.   
Another crash, and another whoosh, and suddenly, all was quiet.   
  
The wind had stopped, the water was all nice and clear again, and the sun was just starting to disappear below the horizon.   
"Hey, wait a sec!" Yumi said. "That's impossible! A storm can't just disappear like that!"   
I agreed. It seemed pretty weird... but then again, compared to a Goron prince who turns into a Canadian teenager and a virus that could destroy time, it seemed pretty ordinary.   
Link looked around confusedly. "Where... where did the clouds go? And where did the scream come from?"  
I looked around too. "Hey, where's Zel?" I cried.  
Sure enough, there was no one else to be seen along the lakefront. Oh, except for Stacie Hawking and Dr. Lakeside, who, with charred clothes and smoky faces, ran outside to yell about how the wave had messed up their experiment.  
Yumi flew over to an object on the ground. "You guys, look!"  
We raced over after her.   
There, on the ground in a puddle of water, was a soaking wet tattered sailor headband.  
  
  
  
Hey, YEAH! How can a storm disappear like that? Where did Zel go? Didn't Ruto say she was OVER Link? And there is still some confusion as to who exactly is responsible for all of this mess...   
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter of SOIS:  
  
RANSACK ON THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE   
  
-or-  
  
THE REALLY, REALLY, RANDOM CHAPTER  



	11. Ransack On the Randomness Temple!

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Link and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER ELEVEN: RANSACK ON THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE! -or- THE REALLY, REALLY RANDOM CHAPTER!  
  
Disclaimer: GG does not own Zelda, Link, Little Link, and all related characters and places. GG DOES own the character of Doseki, herself, and the seven extra temples. All other authors own themselves. All authors that appear in cameo roles are put there with the utmost respect, and insult is not intended.  
  
  
  
Hey everyone, it's me, LL again. Last week, Link, Yumi and I arrived at Lake Hylia, where we began the search for the next temple. We met Sheik and Princess Ruto of the Zoras, and also a mysterious girl named Umi, who was actually Sailor Zel, the author. Just before the end of the chapter, a freak tidal wave struck the lakeshore, and Zel disappeared beneath the waves...  
  
  
"Oh no!" I wailed. "Poor Zel... she drowned like a Goron..."  
"No, no, there has to be some explanation for this!" Link said, shaking his head.  
"She sunk like a rock in the lake!" I wailed some more.  
"Stop it," Link said crossly.  
Yumi picked up the headband and wrung it out. "I hope she's OK..."  
"She died like disco!" I wailed again.  
"Will you stop it?" Link shouted. "Be optimistic!"   
We stood there staring at the headband in Yumi's hands for a while, and then I finally said something.  
"Ya know..." I said, "I bet you a million Rupees that Sailor Zel is the next Author Sage."  
"Why do you say that?" asked Link with a smug smile.  
"Well think about it. Before every temple, one of the brainwashed authors gets in some sort of trouble. And AFTER every temple, they turn out to be a Sage. Jeez Link, and you call me stupid."  
"That's only been for three temples Dosek, it could still be someone else..."  
"Quit that stupid grinning of yours!" Yumi shouted angrily. "UMI IS GONE! PERHAPS DEAD!"   
"She's not dead," I said. "Er, at least, I hope not."  
The sun was just beginning to set, and the moon was starting to rise in the east.  
"So, when the moon is directly over the pillars, we'll race over and play the Rhapsody of Randomness." Link suggested, "Open the temple, go in, risk our lives, and rescue the Sage."  
"Right. Zel." I said.  
"Maybe not." Link corrected.  
"I don't think so."  
"I do."  
"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!" Yumi yelled. "You two dopes have been at it since... since... AGH, since the Innocence Temple when I've been with you, and probably a long time before that!"   
"Sorry," I said quietly.  
"Sorry..." Link echoed.   
That guy... I had never known he was so disagreeable! (Another GG Word.)  
"Only one thing to do," Link said. "Wait until the moon is in alignment."  
"This may take a while," I sighed.  
  
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream..."  
  
"If I were a rich man! Ayba dayba dayba dayba dayba dayba da!"  
  
"You put your left foot in!"  
"You put your left foot out!"  
"You put your left foot in!"  
"And you shake it all about!"  
  
"And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders!"  
  
"HELP!"  
"I need somebody!"  
"HELP!"  
"Not just anybody!"  
"HELP!"  
"You know I need someone!"  
"HEEEEEELP!"  
  
The moon was moving higher and higher in the sky as Link, Yumi, and I wandered about the lakeshore, singing old show tunes and Beatles songs. Finally, it was getting close!   
"Come on, stand right here!" Link called to me from the pillars.  
I stood near him in the center, and he watched the moon some more.  
"All right... it's almost there..."  
Yumi gazed up into the sky. "I'll tell you when it's in the right spot... Ready?"  
"Ready," I said, lifting my little drum into place.  
"Ready," Link said, taking out his Ocarina.  
Yumi counted quietly, and then yelled, "OK! PLAY THE SONG!"   
We quickly played the Rhapsody of Randomness, and by the time we were finished, the moon was already out of alignment with the pillars.  
"Is it... too late?" I asked quietly.  
"Hope not," Link said. "If it is, we have to wait another day..."  
"I can't stand to be at this boring lake one more second!" I wailed.  
Suddenly, as usual, there was a soft rumbling, and a small vertical tunnel of bricks rose out of the ground directly behind the pillars. It looked a bit like the entrance to the Fire Temple...  
When the rumbling had stopped, we saw the gold-colored vertical tunnel had a ladder leading down to the Randomness Temple.  
"Oh man, not another ladder!" I moaned.  
Link hopped on the ladder, and began to climb down. "If you see another way, please do it."  
"OK," I said.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The Goron me took a few steps back, rolled up in a ball, and rolled right off the edge of the brick!  
"AGGGH!" Link screamed as I hurtled past him on my way to the bottom of the hole.  
BANG!   
"Owww... that hurt..." I groaned, unrolling.  
Yumi zipped down after me. "Oh man! That looked painful. Are you OK?"  
"Just peachy," I mumbled.   
Link reached the bottom a few seconds later. "You're crazy!" he yelled. "For someone who is afraid of heights, you certainly took that one pretty quick!"  
"I'm not afraid of heights anymore," I said. "Just ladders."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Once I returned into my body with the weapons on it, we were ready to go.  
"OK, just gotta open this door here," Link said.   
There was a gold-colored brick stone door blocking the hallway. On it was inscribed the notes of the Rhapsody of Randomness.  
"Well, I think we know what to do here," Yumi said.  
"We certainly do," I replied.  
Link and I played the song, and the door came clunking open.  
We had just walked through the door, when we heard a slam!  
Spinning back around, Link gasped to see that the vertical brick tunnel had been sealed up with a heavy metal door!  
"We're trapped!" Yumi cried.  
"OH MAN! WE'RE TRAPPED! I CAN SENSE THE OXYGEN SLOWLY BEING USED UP!" I wailed.  
"Get a hold of yourself, man!" Link said, borrowing my advice to him earlier. "Don't worry, we'll be fine."  
"What if we suffocate to death?" I shot back.  
"There's a breeze in this next tunnel. There must be some air coming in." Link explained.  
Further down the hallway, which was empty save for a bright glowing green pad on the floor, we could faintly see another door.  
"All right, now I take it we open THIS door too, and then the action starts up." Link said.   
"One question." I replied. "How do we open it?"  
"Look!" Yumi shrieked. "There's an inscription on the door!"  
"What does it say?" Link asked quickly.  
"Read for yourself!" Yumi retorted. We turned to the door, which read this:  
  
Y P Y L F I  
Y P Y L F O  
Y P Y L F I  
A Y S I A A  
Y D T H P A Y T Y A  
T W I A A  
  
"What is it?" I asked, genuinely confused.  
"Yip yil fye... yip yil fo... yip yil fye... eye sia ay?" Link muttered. "What is that supposed to mean?"   
"There's more," I pointed out.  
  
Y P Y R F I  
Y P Y R F O  
Y P Y R F I  
A Y S I A A  
Y D T H P A Y T Y A  
T W I A A  
  
"OK, now I'm confused." Link said, scratching his head.  
Yumi flashed and pointed to the floor. "I wanna know what this bright green glowing pad we're standing on has to do with anything."  
"Hmmm..." I mumbled.   
Yumi scratched her head. "Maybe... maybe it stands for something!"   
Link smiled. "I can figure this out... hmmm... 'Young player young love fight it..."  
"That doesn't make sense!" I whined. I began to think of things that began with those letters...  
"All young sisters is are at..." Link continued.  
Finally, I hit the idea jackpot. I started thinking about those songs we were singing just before we entered the temple...  
"You put your left foot in," I began to sing, "You put your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about!"  
Link shook his head. "This is no time for a song, Doseki."  
"No!" I cried. "That's what it stands for!"   
"The Ancient Temple Builders did NOT invent the Hokey-Pokey!" Link groaned.  
I ignored him and continued. "You do the Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around... that's what it's all about!"   
Yumi gasped and went over the inscription again. "Oh man! Link, he's right! And the next part is..."  
She took a deep breath, and started singing too. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about!"   
Link glanced over the inscription again and again. Finally, he sighed. "All right, all right... so it makes sense. But I can't believe that they would have the first letters of the words to the Hokey-Pokey in the temple. They have to stand for something else!"  
"Let's try doing the Hokey-Pokey and turning ourselves around," I suggested.  
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed.  
Link rolled his eyes. "Fine, but just to prove that I'm right."   
We did the dance steps, though we had to remind Link every once and a while that it was his OTHER right foot.  
And finally, we were in the final turn.   
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed again.  
Suddenly, the pad turned bright blue, and the door slid open very slowly.  
I grinned at Link, and he shook his head.  
"I still don't believe it," he said.  
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed once again.  
  
We stepped into the next room, which appeared to be empty.   
"Well... dead end." Link said. "There must be something we can do to get out of this room..."  
"That large eye on the wall looks pretty suspicious," Yumi said, rolling her eyes.  
Link took out his bow, and aimed an arrow at the eye. "Let's see what this little booger does..."  
The arrow hit the eye switch, and to our surprise, the eye screamed.  
"AAGGGH! YOU JERK! AGGGHHH! OWWWW!" it screamed.  
I gasped and stepped away. "EVIL EYE! EVIL EYE!"  
"Ow, what did you go and do that for? Now you've made me angry!" the eye bellowed.   
Suddenly, we heard a clank, and the entire floor disappeared beneath us.  
"AAAIEEEEEEEEE!" I heard Link scream, and I wasn't far behind him on the way down.   
SPLAT!  
  
We hit the floor seconds later. I groaned. "Ow... Stupid eye..."  
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi screamed.  
Link rolled his eyes, and peered around the room. Suddenly, he gasped.  
"Ow, that eye certainly wasn't very nice..." I moaned.  
"Doseki..."  
"It didn't have to go and do that..."  
"Doseki!"  
"I mean really, it didn't have to be so mean..."  
"DOSEKI!"  
"What?"  
"Shut up... stand up... and look around this room..."  
I immediately stopped talking. I stood up, veeeery slowly... and I peered around...  
The wide rectangular room was filled with evil... Surrounding us on all sides, were tiny men, not much taller than my Goron body, with masks over their heads, dressed up in sinister... white lab coats?  
Yumi turned bright yellow. "Holy Purple Dishwashers! It's the Dentites!"   
"What are the Dentites?" Link asked.  
"Whatever they are, they're creepy!" I said.  
"They're small, evil dentists... they have all sorts of weapons of torture which they'll use on you... they like to creep up behind you and jump on your back, and then they pull back your head and try to give you a root canal..." Yumi said.  
"Gulp!" I gulped.  
The Dentites began to slowly move in... brandishing their little scrape-y things and little pokers and drills and water squirters and suckers...  
"How do you kill them?" Link asked quickly.  
"You gotta hit them with an attack! DOIIIII!"   
Suddenly, we heard a snarl, and a Dentite began to run at us from the front.  
"AAGGGH!" I yelled. "I'll save us!"  
I quickly pulled out the DDR Wand, and waved it around. POOF! A barrier of gray DDR pads surrounded us.  
The Dentite bounced right off of the front, and hit the floor. He got up again, and looked very, very angry.  
"SAY 'AHHHH!'" he growled.  
"Thank goodness for that!" Link sighed.  
"The pads won't stay up forever!" Yumi groaned. "We gotta think of something, before we all get our teeth drilled!"   
"Weapons check," Link said. He pulled out his sword, shield, the hook-thing, and his bow. "I can use them all at once if I have to."  
"Um, OK, I got this," I said. I pulled out the Energy Pen, the DDR Wand, the Little Giant, the Bushwhacker crossbow, and a little bit of lint. "Plus I have the Spiral Bracelet from the Galaxy Temple," I added.  
"Why don't you guys do an attack that will surround you, and then when they come in for the kill, they'll just get killed themselves?" Yumi suggested.  
Link put everything away except for a small red ball of fire inside one of the crystal things that looked sort of like the Meteo Spell from the DDR Temple. "Ready," he said.  
The DDR pads began to flicker, and I panicked. "Link, I got an idea. Do you have a piece of string I could use?"  
He sighed, pulled a small piece out of his pocket, and I tied the Energy Pen to the end of the Little Giant.   
"Now watch this," I said.  
The DDR pads all faded, and we heard one collective grunt as the Dentites all charged at once.  
I kneeled down and began a horizontal sword spin, thanks to the Spiral Bracelet. As I spun, the Energy Pen fired off shots like a machine gun, knocking down Dentite after Dentite in once big circle.  
Link swung his arms around, made a few weird grunting noises, and a big dome of fire surrounded him and spread out across the room, killing all the rest of the Dentites.  
He sighed and tucked the crystal away, and Yumi and I looked at him angrily.  
"What?"  
"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" Yumi shrieked.  
"I forgot I had it," he said.   
A chest rose out of the floor in the center of the room, and we casually made out way over to it and opened it.  
  
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! THIS SHOWS YOU THE ROOMS OF THE DUNGEON. BUT THIS TEMPLE IS SO RANDOM, AS IF IT'S GOING TO HELP... HEH HEH...  
  
Yumi pointed out a door at the far end of the room, and we casually made our way over to that one too.  
We stepped through the door, and found ourselves in a narrow hallway that ended in a three-way intersection.   
"Hey look, a sign!" Yumi said, pointing to it. "Right here in the left hallway!"  
Link read it out loud. "'GO HERE NEXT,'" he said.  
Yumi flew to the right hallway. "Hey, another sign!"   
I took a look at it.   
  
NO, GO HERE NEXT!  
  
"It says to go this way," I said, pointing to the sign.  
"There's another sign below this one," Link pointed out. We both read that one.  
  
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. GO THIS WAY!  
  
"Look ANOTHER sign over here!" Yumi shrieked.  
We stared at that sign for a while, thoroughly confused.  
  
WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU? THIS IS THE WAY TO GO!  
  
It went like that for a while. There had to be at least 20 signs on those two sign posts.  
  
NU UH. GO THIS WAY, I TELL YOU!  
  
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LIAR, AL! HE'S WRONG, GO THIS WAY!  
  
NO MORE OF A LIAR THAN YOU, BILL. THIS WAY!  
  
HE'S ONLY TRYING TO CONFUSE YOU! GO... THIS... WAY!  
  
NO WAY! THIS WAY!  
  
THIS WAY!  
  
THIS WAY!  
  
LEFT!   
  
RIGHT!  
  
LEFT!  
  
RIGHT!  
  
GO LEFT!  
  
NO, GO RIGHT!  
  
SHUT UP!  
  
YOU SHUT UP!  
  
JERK!  
  
BIGGER JERK!  
  
SLAPHEAD!  
  
IDIOT!  
  
DOINK!  
  
DUMBNIK!  
  
AH, PHOOEY!  
  
PHOOEY ON YOU!  
  
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH! GO LEFT!  
  
NO, RIGHT!  
  
AGGGHHHH!  
  
AGGGHHHH!  
  
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL BOTH SHUT UP, AND YOU PICK WHAT WAY TO GO  
  
YEAH, THAT WORKS FOR ME. RIGHT.  
  
LEFT!  
  
RIIIIIIIGHT!  
  
LEEEEEEEEFT!  
  
"My head hurts..." I moaned. "Which way do we go?"  
Link shrugged. "We should probably just pick one."  
"Let's go right," Yumi suggested. "The right sign had better insults."  
We turned down the right hallway, which was long and twisty and went down a very, very long ways, until finally...   
  
We reached a dead end. On the wall was a sign.  
  
AAAHAHAHAHHAHAAA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DWEEBS ACTUALLY BELIEVED ME! AHAHAHAHAHAA! HEH HEH HEH, YOU'RE THE DUMBNIKS HERE! AHAHAHAHHAHA! NOW YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE FORK, AND GO LEFT. AND WHO EVEN KNOWS IF THAT'LL BE THE RIGHT WAY! AAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA! LOSERS!  
  
Link looked thoroughly annoyed. He pulled out his sword and chopped down the sign. "Stupid sign. No one laughs at me and gets away with it."  
"What about in GG's fan fics? And everyone else's comedy fan fics. People laugh at you all the time!" I protested.  
"Naah, that's just my fan fic self. The real me isn't anybody to laugh at. Yeah, this is reality here, bub. There's nothing funny about any of this virus stuff, anyway."  
  
Back at the fork, we took the left hallway, and another long twisty tunnel lead us to a strangely colored wall with a sign on it.  
  
HMMPH. YOU PICKED HIM, DIDN'T YOU? STUPID DORKS. HEH HEH, WELL NOW YOU'RE HERE, IN THE RIGHT HALLWAY, THE LEFT ONE. ER, UH... NEVERMIND. OK, NOW, TO CONTINUE ON YOUR WAY, LISTEN TO ME...   
THE THING THAT FLASHES AND GOES KABOOM  
WILL LET YOU INTO THE NEXT ROOM  
  
"A bomb, obviously," Link said. He placed a bomb near the wall, and then grabbed me by the collar. "Run."   
We raced back up the last flight of stairs and watched the bomb blow the wall to smithereens, revealing a door around it.  
"You guys, there's something not right about the room behind this door..." Yumi warned us.  
"Ah, come on Yumi, let's go," Link said.  
"No, Link! Yumi has never been wrong about saying there's something bad behind doors! Remember the Teletubbies in the Galaxy Temple?"  
Link sighed. "Oh fine, we'll grab some weapons first, and then we'll go into the next room."  
I unattached the Energy Pen from the Little Giant, and got it(the Little Giant, that is) into attack position.  
Link prepared to open the door. "All right, ready? 1... 2...3!"  
He flung the door open, and revealed a large room filled with at least 50 Dentites, all grinning evilly and holding spinning drills.  
Yumi snickered smugly, and Link and I both screamed bloody murder.   
  
"CHAAAAAARGE!" one Dentite called, and they all began marching towards us.  
"AGGGH! Link, do something!" I cried.  
"There are too many! Uh... uh... HERE! Use this!" he said, yanking my leather bag off of Doseki's belt. He pulled out the dark green DDR medallion.   
"Why not?" I said. I threw the medallion on the floor, and dark green light spilled out of it and up towards the ceiling.   
Jigglypuff came into view. It appeared he was typing something on the computer.  
"JIGGLYPUFF!" Link and I cried out.   
He spun around. "Yikes! Hey guys, what's shakin'?"  
Yumi pointed to me. "Doseki is!"  
Jigglypuff took one look at the army of dentists, and sighed. "Dentists... why dentists? All right, I know what to do! Hang on, guys!"   
Jigglypuff began to quickly click through the screens on his computer, and he clicked on a small icon.   
More dark green light appeared in the room, and suddenly, a familiar song began to pump out of the medallion.  
"Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub! I don't need your love, hey! Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub! Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I yeah, yeah!" the high-pitched singer belted out.  
Suddenly, the Dentites all began to slow down. Then they started shaking their butts. Then, one by one, they all started to bust a move, rolling around, jumping up and down, and generally shaking their groove things.   
And lucky for us, one by one, they started to fall down, exhausted from the dreaded "Too-Much-DDR" syndrome.  
And by the time the song ended, the room was empty.   
I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness!"   
Jigglypuff sighed too. "That was close... glad to be of some service to you guys!"   
"Thanks a ton," Link said.   
Yumi turned yellow again. "You guys..."  
"What?" I asked her.  
"Look at that big glowing orb over there!" she gasped.  
Sure enough, there was a big glowing orb on the other side of the room where the Dentites had all been.  
Suddenly, it began to glow some more. And... BANG!  
50 more Dentites hopped out of the orb, and one of them screamed, "CHAAAARGE!"   
And they all started marching towards us.  
"IT'S TIME FOR YOUR SIX-MONTH CHECK UP!" one of the Dentites yelled to us.  
"AGGGGHHHH!" screamed Link and I.   
Jigglypuff began to panic. "No worry, no worry, I'll just play the song aga-"  
We heard a beeping noise, and Jigglypuff screamed. "NOOO! NOT AN ILLEGAL OPERATION! Escape, ESCAPE! AAAGGGH! MY COMPUTER IS RESTARTING!"   
No computer meant no DDR midis!   
"OH SH... EIKAH!" Link cried. "We're doomed!"   
"No we're not!" Yumi said, tugging on the pullstrings of the medallion bag.   
I opened it up, and pulled out the Galaxy Medallion.  
"Come on GG, please don't be at school!" I pleaded.   
I tossed the medallion on the floor, and blue light shot out of it. GG appeared in it seconds later, also in front of her computer.  
But... she wasn't typing... she was listening to one of her self-called "Groovy Midi Files', and she was standing, and shaking her butt, and attempting to sing...  
"DOOT DOO DOO DOO... RINBU REVOLUTION!" she sang.   
I turned bright red. "Um, GG?"  
The midi song shut off, and GG turned around very, VEEEERY slowly. She saw Link, Yumi, Jigglypuff and me all watching her. We all had our eyebrows raised."Uh... hee hee hee, hi?" she said quietly.   
"Wow GG, you really need to work on your dancing skills," Jigglypuff said.   
"Oh... HUSH UP! What do you guys- WHOA!" GG had noticed the army of dentists marching slowly towards us.  
"We need help!" Link said. "And we need it FAST!"  
GG began to pace back and forth... "Um... um... I... er... AHA! OK, try this on for size!" she said. She pulled out her Galaxy Wand, pointed it at the army of evil dentists, and screamed, "Spiral Galaxy Illusion!"   
A huge, sparkly, swirling galaxy shot out of the medallion, and stormed across the room, wiping out every last Dentite.   
The room was once again quiet.   
JP, GG, and the three of us sighed.  
"Phew..." GG said. "I didn't think I could pull that off..."  
"Good one, GG," JP commented.  
"Thanks," she said. "Oh yeah, when are you going to send me that 'So Many Men' midi?"   
"If you're going to dance like that to it, I'm not going to," he chuckled.  
She laughed too. "Well, some people just don't appreciate good dancing."  
"No offense GG, but my dad almost dances better than you," I giggled.  
She smirked. "Thank you, Doseki."  
"YOU GUYS!" Yumi screamed. "MORE!"  
We spun back around. And guess what was now filling up the room, thanks to the green orb.  
GG and Jigglypuff freaked out, and Link, Yumi and I REALLY freaked out.  
"I'll take care of them!" GG said. "OK, now... Spiral Gal-"  
Suddenly, she stopped. "AAGGH!" She stared at her wand and began bashing it against the desk. "'SERVICE CRYSTAL SOON'? 'SERVICE CRYSTAL SOON'? AAGGGH!"  
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOOO?" I wailed. "GG's wand is broken! Jigglypuff's computer is messed up! WE ARE DOOMED!"  
"Calm down, calm down!" Yumi said loudly. "Let's just get over to that orb and destroy it, so no more Dentites can come out of it!"  
"How do you propose to do that?" Link screamed.  
"I know!" I said. "This may be painful, but I KNOW!"   
I grabbed the Innocence Medallion. "HERE I GO!"   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Everyone follow me!" I said, pointing at the evil dentist army.   
Link picked up the two medallions, which were still on, and Yumi followed close behind.   
"Here I come, you nasty dentists!" I curled up into a ball, and started to roll.   
BANG! WHOMP! POW!  
Dentite after Dentite dropped over as I crashed into them, and finally, when I saw the green glow of the orb getting very close, I stopped and sat up.  
Link and Yumi hurriedly ran through the path of fallen dentists before the other Dentites could fill it up again, and then they dropped GG and Jigglypuff (Er, their medallions, that is) back on the floor.   
"BREAK IT! KILL IT!" Yumi screamed.   
Link began to whack away at the big orb, but it didn't seem to be working. Meanwhile, the remaining 33 Dentites were still coming...  
"What do we do?" I wailed. "They'll get here before Link destroys that thing!"   
"Call Chica!" GG and Jigglypuff echoed at the same time. "Call Chica!"  
I tossed Chica's lime green medallion to the floor, and Chica appeared in its light. She was also in her computer chair, but she was reading a long poem she had written.  
"Oh hi guys," she said cheerfully. "How are you?"  
"Not so good," I mumbled. I pointed to Link, becoming very angry at the orb, and at the army of approaching Dentites.  
She gasped. "Uh oh... what have you tried?"  
"I tried to dance them to death," Jigglypuff said.  
"I tried to wipe them out with an attack," GG added. "But they came back!"   
"Quick, Chica! What stops a dentist?" Yumi wailed.  
Chica thought for a moment, and then snapped her fingers. "I got it!" she said.  
"Hurry!" Yumi shrieked.  
Chica leaned over towards GG's medallion, and whispered something into it. GG cracked up, and then she whispered something to Jigglypuff. He smiled and rolled his eyes.  
Finally, Chica turned to face the army of dentists, assumed the "Hollerin' Position" (head back, mouth open, hands on both sides of your mouth) and screamed, "ALL RIGHT YOU DENTITES! COME AND GET THEM IF YOU REALLY WANT TO! AFTER ALL, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY DENTAL INSURANCE!"  
  
I raised an eyebrow. "You guys, how is that going to help?"  
Suddenly, all of the Dentites made one collective gasp. They looked frightened, and began to shake in their little medical masks. They took three steps backwards, and screamed bloody murder. Then, they all choked and fell over, dead.  
As soon as each Dentite was down, the orb mysteriously turned blue, and Link gave it a big whack with the Master Sword.   
BANG! It shattered into a million, bajillion pieces!  
"All right!" Link shouted.  
"BOOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTES!" Yumi howled.  
I sighed. "Phew! But hey, Chica, I don't get it... What scared the dentists so bad that they died?"  
Chica laughed and said, "A good doctor- or dentist for that matter never works on someone with no insurance."  
"Ah." I said. "Wait, what's 'insurance'?"   
"I'll tell you later, it's really boring," GG said.   
"Well, thanks a ton, you three," Link said, slipping the sword back into its holster. "We would all have Novocaine high up the wazoo if it weren't for you."  
"No problem, that's our jobs!" Jigglypuff replied.   
"Certainly, anytime." GG grinned.   
"If you need us, call us!" Chica said.  
"See ya later!" I said cheerfully.  
The three authors swept tiny bows, and then the three lights faded and the medallions turned back to normal.  
  
"Hey look Link," I said, pointing across the room as he placed the medallions back in their bag. "A treasure chest!"  
"It had better be a good reward," Link groaned.   
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI RECEIVED THE MYSTICAL FAX MACHINE O' RANDOMNESS! THIS TINY, COMPACT WEAPON HAS THE AMAZING ABILITY TO SHOOT OFF PAPERS THAT GIVE DEADLY PAPERCUTS TO ANY SOFT-SKINNED ENEMY! (AS IN NO GORONS, ROCK-BODIED CREATURES, OR TURTLES.) JUST HOLD IT IN FRONT OF YOU AND PRESS THE LITTLE RED BUTTON, AND MUCH PAIN WILL BE FELT! JUST DON'T POINT IT AT YOURSELVES...   
  
"Sweet!" I said. I held the little gray fax machine in my hands and grinned. "Just wait till those dentists get a load of this!"   
"Door over thatta way," Yumi said, pointing to the immediate left of the spot where the evil Dentite-making orb had been.  
  
Just past that door, inside a short, narrow hallway, we could hear a whooshing noise.   
"Oh man, that reminds me..." I whined. "Where's the little Gorons room?"  
"Didn't I tell you to go before we entered the temple?" Link groaned.  
"No, you guys... it sounds like water!" Yumi hushed.  
"WATER? I HATE WATER!" I griped. "I can't swim!"  
"Maybe we won't have to," Link shrugged.  
"I doubt it," Yumi said.  
There was a door at the end of the hallway. Having nothing better to do, we opened it.  
  
And just my luck, in that room was a small wooden dock with a raft next to it, right over a rushing creek that led further down into the temple. The raft was made out of wood, with a little flagpole on it. The flag was lavender blue, with a big dark blue question mark on it.  
"Aw, MAN!"   
"Calm down, LL. We can ride that raft." Link said, attempting to reassure me in that non-reassuring way of his.  
"What if I fall off?" I shot back.  
Link walked up to the creek and dipped his foot in. "It's only about a foot or two- DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"  
That noise was Link, being swept away in the wild current to who-knows-where.  
"GAAAAAAAH!" he screamed, and we could here him screaming until he disappeared from sight all the way down the canal!  
  
"LINK!" I shrieked. "Yumi, you gotta help him!"  
"ME?" she squeaked. "You're Hero #2 here, pal. I can't swim, and I can't very well pull him out when we do find him!"  
"But Yumi, he's being washed away down, DOWN, DOOOOOOOOOOOWN THE RIVER PERHAPS TO SOMEWHERE WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!" I cried. "What do we do?"  
"I guess we'll just have to take that raft and go downstream to look for him then, huh?" Yumi replied. She flew over to the dock and started tugging on the rope that bound the raft to the wooden planks. "Well come on! Aren't you going to help?"  
"GULP!" I gulped. "Just a minute..."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I slowly walked over to the dock, and helped Yumi untie the rope.   
"Come on, Doseki, get on!"   
"But it'll go fast, and I can't swim!" I wailed.   
"GET ON BEFORE I MAKE YOU GET ON!" she growled.  
"Coming ma'am..."  
I stepped onto the raft, and immediately fell down on my knees, grabbing onto the flagpole for dear, sweet life.  
"I'll give us a push, then we're OFF!" Yumi told me. She shoved the back of the raft with all her might, and it slowly began to move.  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! TOO FAST!"   
"We're just starting, you big wuss."  
The current gradually sped us up as we drifted down the canal towards the end of a long tunnel.  
"Well, this isn't so bad," I said. "Jeez, I get scared so easily."  
Yumi was sitting on my head comfortably, singing, "Floatin' down the river, sittin' on a Hershey bar, sittin' in the shade, drinking lemonade!"  
I thought about that joke for a minute, and the probability of a parrot getting flushed down the toilet, when suddenly, Yumi screamed.  
"HOLD ON, DOSEKI!"  
"Why?"   
"WATERFALL!"  
"WATERFALL?"  
I snapped my attention in front of us, and I saw a GIGANTIC, STEEP, 50-FOOT WATERFALL leading down to a series of twists and turns in the canal, leading to another tunnel and possibly another drop.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!" I screamed.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!" Yumi echoed.  
Yumi grabbed onto my hair, and I clutched the flagpole, as we began the drop of our lives!  
"GOD SAVE MY LITTLE BROKEN BODY!" I heard Yumi shout.   
"MINE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
I could feel water splashing in my face and into my open, screaming mouth as we tumbled down the waterfall and landed with a tremendous splash, only to continue zipping at 100 miles an hour down the stretch of curves.  
I was being flung right and left and up and down as we went over them, and I didn't even notice poor Yumi, yanking my hair for dear life. I could hear her high pitched screaming, though.  
Finally, the turns were over, and we were in the second tunnel, going as fast as ever.   
"WE'RE ALIVE!" Yumi wailed happily. "WE ARE ALIVE!"  
"Oh SHEIKAH!" I yelled.  
"WHAT?" Yumi yelled back.  
"DROP!"   
WHOOOOOSH!  
Down the drop we went, and into a spinning helix, with water splashing all around us and a small light at the end rapidly approaching.  
I began to feel sick... I was going to puke, no doubt about it...  
Out of the tunnel we went, and into a long stretch of straight, level canal. The raft began to slow, and I breathed a sigh of relief.   
Yumi was panting, and I loosened my grip on the flagpole.  
"We made it..." she gasped out.  
My eyes widened, and I rubbed them. Was it an illusion, or did the canal end just 50 feet ahead of us?  
"YUMI! ANOTHER DROP!" I cried.  
"Oh no!"  
"I don't think my stomach can take anymore of this..."  
WHOOOSH!  
"YAAAAAAARRRRGH!"  
"YAAAAAAARRRRGH!"  
The raft dropped down the drop, and sped all the way up again. Into another tunnel, thankfully this one was straight.  
I began to feel very, very sick... this was like rolling down Death Mountain times a hundred and three!  
"I'M GONNA HURL!" I screamed to Yumi.  
"NOT ON ME! NOT ON ME!"  
Isn't it funny how you could be in the biggest trouble, yet the smallest, stupidest things could bug you?  
The raft continued going straight, and it shot out of yet another tunnel and onto a straight canal, but it was still going fast.  
I heard Yumi gasp. "Doseki! There's something in the water up there!"  
I gasped too, when I saw it was something GREEN!  
"It's Link!" I cried. "He's unconscious on the side of the canal!"  
"Grab him!" Yumi screamed.   
"We're going too fast! What if I miss?"  
"THEN WE LEAVE HIM HERE!" she cried back.  
I couldn't let that happen.  
I shakily let go of the flagpole with my left hand, and reached out as far as I dared.   
Link was rapidly approaching. I got ready...  
And the second I felt him hit my hand, I grabbed the back of his tunic and pulled him onto the raft with us.  
"HOOORAY!" Yumi cheered.  
"PHEW!" I sighed. Forgetting about my nauseousness for a second, I started to smack his face. "Link! Link old buddy old pal, wake up!"  
He was out like a light.  
Remember, we were still going, like 85 miles an hour.   
I kept smacking Link. "Come on! You gotta hold onto something!"  
Nope, he was out cold.  
"DOSEKI! ANOTHER DROP!" Yumi wailed.  
I groaned, and I think my stomach did too. Grabbing Link's tunic with one hand and the flagpole with the other, I prepared for what was hopefully the last drop.  
WHOOOOSH!  
I shut my eyes tight, tried not to puke, and held on tight with both hands.  
Finally, the raft was going straight again and suddenly, BANG!  
The raft crashed into a short wall, and Yumi, Link and I were thrown over the wall and onto solid ground at last!  
Link skidded over and into another wall, and I immediately stood up, ran back over to the canal, and threw up like I had never thrown up before, even when I got the Goron Flu a few years back.  
Yumi quickly joined me, resting on my finger and being sick into the canal, which continued flowing underground and probably into the lake.  
Finally, it was over.   
I stood up woozily, and wobbled over to the spot where we had all landed, so as not to tumble back into the canal. Then I collapsed on the ground and fainted.  
  
"Doseki... Doseki, wake up!"  
I opened my eyes. Link was standing over me. "Thank goodness! I thought you two had drowned or something!"  
"Ditto," I replied. "That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life..."  
"What about beating the big Windmill Guy in the Innocence Temple?" Yumi piped up from her spot on Link's shoulder.  
"Or being trapped in the Doseki body?" Link added.  
"Or fighting the Teletubbies and your evil girlfriend in the Galaxy Temple?"  
"or being thrown off Epona on Hyrule Field?"  
"Or falling off that bridge in Gerudo Valley?"  
"Or thinking you were falling off that plank in the Energy Temple?"  
"Or when that big fat guy tried to cut off your arm in Clock Town?"  
"Or when those blue and red discs attacked us in the DDR Temple?"  
"Or the ladder at the entrance to Lake Hylia?"  
"OK! OK!" I yelled. "That was one of many of the most scary things I've ever done!"  
Link helped me up, and I immediately felt better.   
We stepped through the next door, near the wall Link crashed into, and found ourselves in a small square room with a big treasure chest in it.  
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE COMPASS! NOW THEY CAN SEE A BUNCH OF HIDDEN STUFF. WOW, THAT WAS SO NOT WORTH THAT TERRIFYING RIDE, WAS IT? HEY, AND THE TEMPLE IS PRACTICALLY OVER, TOO! PUH, STUPID, STUPID TEMPLE DESIGNERS!  
  
Link angrily threw the compass into his bag. "Stupid, stupid temple guys... We almost drown and we get a stupid compass..."  
Heading for the next door, we saw a small sign hung on it. It said:  
  
THE AMAZING COLOSSAL LEGENDARY ROOM OF RANDOMNESS  
FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY...  
DO NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING DANGEROUS!   
BUT THEN AGAIN... HEH HEH, ALL RIGHT. THINK ABOUT SOMETHING...  
  
"We'd better listen to it," Yumi said.   
I shrugged, and immediately thought of rice pudding.  
Link nodded. "OK, I will think about something not dangerous... How about... OK, I will think of beef stew. I like beef stew."  
Yumi grinned. "I'm thinking about Pixie Stix. I am so hungry for Pixie Stix..."  
"We must all be hungry," I said. "I'm thinking of rice pudding!"  
Link opened up the door, and we walked into a room that was amazingly... empty.  
No floor, no ceiling, no walls, no nothing!   
Only a small door and a flight of stairs leading up to it.  
"Well... this is interesting." Link said, scratching his head.  
Suddenly, the room filled with lavender-blue light. Angelic voices began to sing, and a table appeared in the center of the room.  
We ran in to investigate.  
On the table were three bowls. In the first, was creamy, delicious rice pudding! I had tried it once at GG's, and it was one of the only human foods I could stand! In fact, I LOVED IT! Even better, the stuff in the bowl was garnished with a selection of tasty pebbles... YUM!  
In the second bowl was chunky beef stew, with vegetables. YUCK! But Link was drooling.  
And in the third bowl were twenty Pixie Stix of assorted colors and flavors. Yumi squealed with joy.   
Next to the table appeared three chairs, and a variety of silverware. There was a big POOF, and a full orchestra started to play relaxing dinner music.   
"This is too good to be true!" Link said, his eyes wide with hunger.  
I took a little taste of the rice pudding. "IT IS TRUE!" I screamed.  
There was a puff of smoke, and a waiter dressed in a nice tux appeared. "Allo, I am Garcon, let me take your coats for you!"  
Garcon took our bags from us, and hung them on a coat rack that appeared near the door. "And now, please enjoy your snack!"  
We all sat down.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I sat down as a Goron, and dug in. IT WAS DELICIOUS!  
We hadn't eaten in a long time, so we took our sweet time. Soon we found ourselves licking the bowls, and Yumi was tearing apart the packages and licking the insides to get every bit of sugar.  
When we had finished, Garcon appeared again. "More?"  
"YES PLEASE!" all three of us yelled at the same time.  
More rice pudding magically appeared. It was delicious.  
Garcon appeared again after we had finished. "More?"  
"Nah, I'm full..." I said, pushing the bowl away.  
"Me too," Link added, pushing away his bowl.  
"Me three," said Yumi. "But how about one Pixie Stick for the road?"  
Garcon handed her a single Pixie Stick, and then he bowed. "Very well. It has been a pleasure serving you. Now, our mistress would like to see you."  
"Your mistress?" I asked, kinda confused.   
"Zel!" Yumi gasped.  
"Maybe," Link shot back.  
"Where is she?" I asked.  
"In that door right there," Garcon said. "Oh yes, and... DIEEEEE!"  
Garcon screamed evilly, and with a poof, him and the entire orchestra turned into an army of Dentites!  
  
"YIKES!" I yelled, jumping away from the table.  
The three of us gathered, and soon we were surrounded by the evil dentists from the depths of medical school heck.  
"BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER MEALS!" they all chanted wickedly.   
"Oh no... I get it!" Link said. "The snack was to lull us into a false sense of security, when the Dentites were going to attack!"  
"Let's teach them a lesson!" I said.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I pulled out the Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness, and got it into position. "OK! Here I go!"  
I aimed the fax machine at a Dentite, and pressed the button. A single sheet of 8 x 10 computer paper flew out, hitting the guy. He screamed in pain, and vanished!  
"Do it again!" Link yelled.   
I spun around slowly, firing paper and killing Dentites. More and more of them appeared out of nowhere.  
"I need help!" I cried.  
"OK, try this!" Link said. He grabbed the Master Sword, and lowered down on one knee. Then, the sword began to light up with blue, then red light. Finally, he spun it around, and a wave of red light wiped out half of the Dentites in the room.   
"They're still coming, and the fax machine is almost out of paper!" Yumi shrieked in despair.   
"OK, it's Meteo time!" Link said. Suddenly, he gasped. "CRAP! I used magic with the spin! I can't use the Meteo Spell!"  
"Wait! Where's the string?" I shouted. "I can still tie the Energy Pen to the Little Giant and kill them like that!"  
I quickly dug through my pockets. "Uh... uh... I don't see it..."  
"WE DON'T HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE!" Link screamed desperately.   
The Dentites stopped. Then one of them stepped forward holding a paper of some kind.  
He handed it to Link.   
"For me?" Link asked.  
The Dentite nodded.   
Link read over the paper and then screamed, "AAGGGH! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?"  
He dropped the paper, and I read it.   
  
DENTAL BILL: HYRULE NATIONAL DENTIST ASSOCIATION  
BILL FOR: LINK, HERO OF TIME  
FOR: TOOTH WHITENING  
PRICE: 1000 RUPEES  
INSURANCE: HMO (HERO MEDICAL OPPORTUNITIES)  
  
"YOU DO TOO HAVE INSURANCE!" the Dentite growled.   
Link pointed to me. "He doesn't!"  
The Dentites all growled, and the one who had handed him the medical bill grabbed him and prepared to throw him into the crowd, when suddenly, Yumi pulled something out of her pocket and screamed, "HEY YOU STUPID POO-HEADS! LOOK WHAT I GOT!"   
It was the Pixie Stick!  
She opened it up, and sprinkled a pinch of it on the Dentite who was grabbing Link. He screamed in agony and fell, dead.  
The other Dentites screamed.   
"AGGGGH! WE CANNOT FIGHT THE SUGAR!"  
Then, they all scampered back to the edges of the room, and vanished!  
Link stood up. "Thank goodness for that Pixie Stick..."   
"WHAT? You mean thank goodness for ME!" Yumi protested.  
"Thank you, Yumi," I sighed.   
The table, the orchestra pit, everything disappeared, and we were once again in the empty white room with a door.   
"They said Zel was in that door right there!" Link cried. "Let's go!"  
"But the fax machine is out of paper!" I said. "What if we need it?"  
Link got right to work on that. He squint his eyes, and suddenly, a package of 8 x 10 computer paper tumbled out of nowhere and into his hands.  
"Thanks, Room of Randomness!" Link saluted. He handed me the paper. "Enjoy."  
"OK! We can go now!" I said.  
We quickly ran to the door, and entered.   
  
We were in another room (that goes without saying...), this one had a door at the far end and had the same gold colored brick pattern as the rest of the temple.   
But it was empty. There was no Zel, or anyone for that matter, to be found!  
But before anyone could say anything, we heard a broad, deep laugh come from the ceiling.  
There, on the ceiling, was a shadowy figure!  
"THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE COMING!" the figure said. "AND I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET HERE. BUT ALAS, HERE YOU ARE... TOO BAD, THOUGH, THAT YOUR QUEST WILL END HERE... I ACTUALLY WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WOULD MAKE IT!"  
"We are gonna make it!" Yumi screamed. "You big dumb dork!"  
The figure laughed again, and then it jumped down, landing on the floor.   
Standing before us, was Sailor Zel! Er, DARK Sailor Zel, brainwashed by whoever the evil Demon of Randomness was...  
She was in a darker version of her old sailor uniform, and she held a small wand in her left hand. And on her right hand, was the tell-tale black chain.  
Yumi turned yellow, as always. "It's Dark Sailor Zel! The Evil Sailor Guardian of Randomness!She's a superheroine too, just like GG is, and she's not going to be easy..."  
"What's her weak point?" Link asked quickly.  
"I don't know!" Yumi shrugged.  
Suddenly, we were interrupted by a wave of black energy that flew over in our general direction.  
"YARRRGH! RUN!" I shrieked.  
We spilt up, and ran for our lives. Wave after wave crashed into the wall, barely inches from one of us.   
I passed by Link. "What do we do?" I wailed.  
"Every enemy has a weak point... we just have to find it!" he shouted as he ran by.  
Zel was laughing madly and throwing wave after wave at us, and every wave that missed did some heavy damage to the wall. I hated to think what it would do to us...  
Passing by Yumi, she pointed to Zel's wand. "The Patented Sailor Zel Rod of Randomness! It's what she attacks with... if you hit it, maybe she'll stop attacking for a second!"  
I nodded, and we separated just as another wave cracked by.  
As I ran, I tried to pick the weapon for the job... The DDR Wand wasn't useful in this case... The Energy Pen would be good, but it would take a bit to aim... The Little Giant isn't gonna work... The Thought Mask wasn't going to help much...   
The Bushwhacker... hey... what about the Bushwhacker Crossbow?  
I loaded up an arrow, and as I ran, I plotted the best spot to attack from. I passed by Link again.   
"Link, I'm gonna attack the Rod of Randomness. You attack Zel after that!"  
He nodded, and pulled out the Master Sword.  
I ran out in front of Zel, and made a face. "NYEH! NYEH! You'll never hit me!"  
"Fool!" Zel screamed in rage. She prepared a nasty-looking beam of black stuff and fired it at me.  
And then, just before it got within a few feet of me, WHOOSH!  
Time slowed to almost a stop. Good ol' Spiral Bracelet!  
I ducked and the beam very slowly crashed into the wall. I could see Link leaping into the air behind Zel with the sword raised over his head. All I had to do was put the Rod of Randomness out of commission.   
I took aim and fired the arrow right at the Rod the second the Spiral Bracelet's power wore off.  
The arrow zipped through the air and knocked the Rod out of her hands, just as I heard the BOOM from the beam she had tried to hit me with on the wall behind me.  
"WHAT? HOW COULD YOU MOVE SO FAST?" Zel bellowed angrily. Suddenly, Link whacked her one good with his mighty Master Sword!  
"OW!" she screamed.   
Link hit the ground and immediately jumped out of the way, just as a beam smacked into the ground near him.  
"My turn!" I yelled as he ran by.   
"OK, check this out!" Link called back. He unpacked his bow and loaded up another of the weird blue arrows that he had used against Dark Chica. He fired, and wham! Zel was frozen in a block of ice!  
"Thank you," I nodded to him, and I rushed over and started to swing on Zel with the Little Giant.  
A few seconds later, the ice shattered and Zel stared evilly at me, right below her.   
"TAKE THIS, YOU STUPID MORTAL!"   
WHAM!  
I let out a yelp as I hurtled back and smacked into the wall on the side of the room. Ow... I could barely move... that beam hurt!  
"Doseki!" Link cried.  
Yumi flitted over to me, crashed out on the ground. And Zel was still laughing wickedly.   
"Doseki! Are you OK?"   
"Does it look like I'm OK?" I snapped, sounding ruder than I had intended.   
"I've figured it out!" Yumi interrupted. "Aim for her little headband-y type thing!"  
"But Yumi, her real headband-y type thing is in Link's bag!" I protested.  
"NO! The fake one! That little black thingy on the headband, that's how she produces her attacks!"  
"With what?" I shot back, starting to sit up.  
"I DON'T KNOW! A WEAPON!"  
I leaped to my feet, and dodged another one of those nasty beams. Then, I took out the mighty Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness. It was time to get even with that evil meany!  
"WHAT IS THAT?" Dark Zel asked angrily.  
"THIS is what I'll be using to kick your butt now!" I retorted. Then, I pressed the little red button and fired!  
Sheet after sheet of deadly white 8 x 10 paper shot out of the little fax machine, and sheet after sheet of deadly white 8 x 10 sliced poor Dark Zel like she was a vegetable.   
"OW! OW! OW! WHY DOES THAT HURT SO MUCH? OW! OW! I'VE GOTTEN WORSE SCARS THAN THIS! OW! OW! OWWWWWHOOOHOHOHOOOOO! STOP IT!"  
I didn't stop, and the paper just kept flying. Finally, one sheet drifted upward and WHAM! Smacked Zel right on her headband-y type thing!  
There was a short zap of electricity, and Zel began to scream and shake.   
I took the opportunity for the final attack. "INNOCENCE MEDALLION POWER!" I screamed, and the orange-yellow light held Zel right where she was.  
Finally, with a moan of pain, the headband-y thing exploded, and Zel crashed to the ground face-first.   
The fax machine clicked off, and I threw it into my bag and rushed to the center where Zel had fallen.  
Link took out his Master Sword and poked her with the hilt of it. "Well, she's defeated all right."  
"Did I kill her?" I wailed. "I KILLED SAILOR ZEL!"  
"No you didn't. But she'll be feeling those paper cuts tomorrow, let me tell you that much," Yumi shuddered.  
  
The black chain around Zel's right wrist disintegrated and vanished. A treasure chest rose up right underneath her, and she went up with it.  
Link walked over and pushed poor Zel's unconscious body off the chest.  
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI GOT THE RANDOMNESS KEY! IT'S A BRASS KEY WITH A BIG QUESTION MARK ON THE END THAT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO THE BOSS OF THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE. COULDN'T YOU HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT?  
  
Link sighed. "So... any second now... the boss will take her back, and..."  
Suddenly, two voices echoed through the room out of nowhere.  
The first was high and shrill and kind of annoying. "Well now, I see our Zel has fallen!"  
The second was kind of lower but also pretty shrill. "Come to us, Child! Your mistresses be a-callin'" it chimed in.  
With a poof, Zel's unconscious body disappeared into a puff of smoke!  
Two wide doors opened at the back of the room, and we heard the voices continuing.  
"Half-Rock, Half-Boy and Hero brave! Must defeat us for her to save!" the first voice called.  
"That made no sense, you stupid fool! You rhymes are cheap and so uncool!"  
"Hey, why we rhyming anyway? It's not required for our pay!"  
"That very true... OK, we'll stop!"   
"Fine with me. All right, you sissy-fied wimps! If you want to TRY and save your precious Sailor Zel, you'd better get your big fat butts over here and face us!"  
"That's right! MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"  
"MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"  
"Let's move it!" Link screamed. We raced to the back of the room and through the wide doors.  
  
"But Link," I protested. "There are two of them, and only two..."  
"AHEM!" Yumi coughed.  
"Uh, three of us. How are we going to defeat them?"  
"We'll find out when we... AGH!"  
We head entered the next room, a very tall, very wide gold-colored brick room, scattered all around which there were a series of stone blocks of different shapes and sizes. And in the back of the room stood two gigantic women, taller than Link, or me, or... heck, they were bigger than Biggoron!  
They were both facing away from us, laughing kind of evilly. The first one was very, very thin, and had long wavy blonde hair that went to her waist. She was dressed in a long white coat.   
The second was very, very fat. She had shorter red hair that went to her shoulders. She too, was in a white coat.   
Suddenly, all the lights in the room darkened, and the double doors slammed shut behind us.  
We both spun around and once we saw the door shut, we all gave a collective gulp.   
"GULP!"  
  
Two spotlights flashed from each corner of the room, one on each of the two giant women. Then, very familiar music played from nowhere.  
"To rid the world of gingivitis!" the thin one said, spinning around to reveal evil black eyes and red lipstick.  
"To operate till we get arthritis!" the fat one added, spinning around to reveal brown eyes and pink lipstick, with a big hairy wart on her chin.  
"Oh Jeez, not the Team Rocket motto!" Yumi groaned.   
"To scrape everyone's teeth so they're slick to the touch!" the thin one continued.  
"We're less painful than birth labor, although not much..." the fat one said sheepishly.  
"Terry!" the thin one said, striking a dramatic pose.  
"Kim!" the fat one exclaimed proudly.  
"Team Dentite, from above and beneath!" Terry cheered.  
"Surrender now or we'll pull your teeth!" Kim added.  
"TIME FOR YOUR SIX MONTH CHECK UP!" both evil guys screamed in unison, brandishing a handful of painful-looking metal instruments.  
  
TERRY AND KIM: DENTAL HYGIENISTS OF DOOM!  
  
"OH GREAT! MORE DENTISTS!" Link groaned.   
"Oh, aren't you two SWEET?" Terry cooed.   
"Sweet as honey!" Kim grinned.  
"WE HATE HONEY! IT LEADS TO CAVITIES!" both of them screamed angrily.   
Then, Terry with her giant drill, and Kim with her various scraping appliances both screamed in rage and ran to attack us.  
"RUN!" Yumi screamed.   
"I'm way ahead of you!" I screamed back from the other side of the room.  
Link had shot off in the other direction, and Kim was pursuing him. Unfortunately, she was so fat, it wasn't very easy for her to run...  
Terry, however, had long legs and was in great shape. She was right behind me, and I could hear the buzzing of the drill.  
"NOW, NOW! THIS WON'T HURT A BIT!" she laughed maniacally.   
Doseki just couldn't run fast enough. This looked like a job for LITTLE LINK!   
As I ran, I grabbed the medallion and screamed out, "INNOCENCE MEDALLION RETURN!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I curled up into a ball and rolled as fast as I could away. I could hear Terry puffing and panting to keep up, and soon, I saw Link run by.   
I quickly uncurled. "Link, take this!" I called, throwing him the Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness.   
He caught it, and saluted. "You distract them, and I'll attack!"   
Yumi zipped up next to me. "Both Terry and Kim only have one real weak point! Their large, inconveniently placed earrings!"  
I heard Link cussing as he scampered away. How would we ever be able to hit their earrings?  
Suddenly, I felt a whoosh of hot air and smelled something really bad. I looked up when I saw the shadow looming over Yumi and me, and screamed when I saw it was Kim!  
She was holding her scraping appliances and was about ready to whack Yumi and me to kingdom come, when I noticed something... Her earrings were hanging down to where I could shoot them!  
Er, of course, if I had a weapon ready.  
"GAAAAAH!" I shrieked. I grabbed Yumi out of the air and dove out of the way just as a giant scraper swung down to hit us.  
"Come back! Dr. Kim only wants to have a little bitty peek inside your mouth! OR YOUR GUTS!" she screamed angrily.  
"Hold on Yumi!" I cried. I curled up into a ball and rolled in the opposite direction. Yumi was in my left hand, and I stuck out my left arm so I wouldn't make her sick.  
"AAAIEEEE!" she screamed. "HEY! I CAN WAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAA-AAAAAALK, er, FLYYY-YYYYY-YYYY-YYYYY!"  
I heard Link run by us in the opposite direction somewhere near the door. "LL!" he cried, "Distract them! Hold one of them still and I'll attack!"  
I unrolled and stood up. Both evil hygienists were heading right towards me, Terry on the right, Kim on the left.  
I covered my eyes with my hands and started to shake in fear. "Please! Don't... kill... me!" I begged.  
"Aw, is da widdle Gowon afwaid of da dentist?" Terry cooed.  
"Don't be afwaid, widdle Gowon... it'll onwy hurt for a minute!" Kim chuckled evilly.  
Both hygienists lifted a foot up into the air, preparing to squash me flat, when suddenly, I heard a mechanical SPROING!  
And three sheets of white 8 x 10 paper flew out from behind one of the blocks and hit Kim in her earrings!  
"OW!" she shrieked. "I just put these in yesterday! Little punk is going to pay!"  
Kim turned around and started to run after Link.  
Terry turned her attention away from me and pointed Link out to her partner. "There he is, Kim! Right there!"  
Then she turned around, only to notice me rolling away from her at top speed.  
"Hey! Come back! You haven't felt pain yet!" Terry shrieked.  
I could hear her gargantuan footsteps behind me... I just rolled and rolled and Yumi screamed and whined to be let go.   
I saw Link dart out from behind a block and Kim's gigantic butt following him, so I stopped again.  
Terry caught up with me, panting and gasping, and she pulled out her drill. "Let's see what a pneumatic drill would do to something with as thick skin as yours, little Goron..."  
Just as Terry was about to drill me off the face of the Earth, another SPROING! Was heard and another "OWWWW!" was heard right after that.  
BANG! I was off like a shot.  
Kim and Terry continued the wild goose chase straight out of a Sylvester and Tweety cartoon, when finally, one more SPROING was heard.  
And this time, four sheets flew out, each one hitting one of the hygienists in their delicate earrings.  
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!" howled Terry.  
"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!" moaned Kim.  
Link raced over to join Yumi and me at the center of the room.  
"OH NO! KIM, WE HAVE LET OUT MASTER DOWN!" Terry shrieked.  
"WE HAVE LOST AGAINST THE WIMPS!" Kim wailed.  
"Hey! We're not wimps!" Yumi shot back.  
"WE'RE... WE'RE... FIRED!" Terry cried.  
"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS..." Kim stammered.  
Suddenly, the long white lab coats and dental instruments disappeared. Now, Terry and Kim were clothed in messy blue dresses with white aprons, and a red bandana in each of their hair.   
"NOW WE'RE..." Terry began.  
"TERRY AND KIM! JANITORS OF FAILURE!" they both wailed.   
And with a big POOF! Both evil dentists- er, janitors vanished into thin air!  
  
"All right! We did it, my little Goron buddy!" Link cheered.  
"What? What did you call me?" I gasped.  
"Huh? Oh, nothing."  
"You called me your little Goron buddy, DIDN'T you, Link?" I grinned.  
"No, I didn't."  
"Yes you did, I heard you!"  
"That's not what I said."  
"Admit it Link, you like me! You really like me!"  
"Hey, hey, I don't know about REALLY like you, but I like you. Isn't that enough?"  
"No, no, no, you definitely consider me your best friend. LL AND LINK! BEST BUDDIES FOREVER!"  
"I never said that!"  
"But it's true, isn't it?"  
"No!"  
"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP! WHAT DID I TELL YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS DUNGEON?"  
"Yes, Yumi..."  
"Yes, Yumi..."  
The two of us, led by Yumi, slunk over to the blue warp portal and stepped inside.  
  
Just as we dropped into the Chamber of Sages, three familiar lights appeared on the platform. GG, Chica, and Jigglypuff all appeared in the room.  
"Hi guys," Chica grinned.  
"Another temple over with, huh?" Jigglypuff nodded.  
"I knew you could do it!" GG smiled.  
  
**FIRST OFF, I WANT TO APOLIGIZE TO YOU TWO. I HAD NO IDEA THIS TEMPLE WOULD BE THAT... UH... RANDOM.**  
  
"You had better!" Link snapped. "If it's not dentists, it's really long raft rides, or the Hokey Pokey, or... AAGH! I don't even remember half of it!"  
  
**HEY PAL, WATCH IT! DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME!**  
  
"Sorry," he said sheepishly.  
"Thanks, Destiny!" I smiled.  
  
**AW, YOU'RE CUTE, LL. AHEM! WELL, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.**  
  
"We certainly do," GG, Chica, Link, Yumi and I all said at once.  
"I don't!" Jigglypuff shrugged.  
  
**YOU'RE HERE TO WELCOME THE FOURTH AUTHOR SAGE.**  
  
"Oh yeah," he nodded. "Sorry, I'm the new guy."  
  
**NOT ANYMORE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GORONS AND FAIRIES! PLEASE WELCOME THE FOURTH AUTHOR SAGE... SAILOR ZEL, THE SAGE OF RANDOMNESS!**  
  
"I TOLD YOU!" I said to Link.  
He shrugged. "OK, so you told me."  
A lavender-blue light popped up next to Jigglypuff and another strange white medallion. And seconds later, Sailor Zel, back to her normal, nice self appeared.  
"Hi guys!" she grinned. "Wow, I'm really sorry about all that... I had no idea Randomness could be that... uh, Random."  
"No problem, just doing my... um, OUR job." Link murmured.  
"Well, thanks a bunch for un-evilifying me. That stinks, being evil... and almost drowning too!"  
"You have no idea," Yumi and I groaned.  
"... oh, the raft... Sorry about that, too. I'll pay for all emotional damage caused by that raft section, just send a letter describing your ailment to 'Society of Randomness Emotional Injuries C/O Sailor Zel, 10-'"  
"No, no, it's OK, we're all just fine!" Yumi smiled.  
Sailor Zel raised her eyebrows and leaned over to Jigglypuff. "Uh... does anyone else notice that there's something wrong with Prin- Oh wait! Never mind, I remember now!"  
Jigglypuff nodded, and Yumi rolled her eyes. "I'd like to know why everyone always says that when they see me!"  
The authors, Link and I all looked away sheepishly.  
Zel sat there for a minute. "Oh yeah... As a reward for your brave attempt to solve the puzzles of randomness, I present you with this medallion, sanctifying my rescue and your completion of Temple No. 4, the Randomness Temple Address 12345 Zora Pillar Avenue, Lake Hylia, Hyrule, 678910."  
Zel threw her hands up in the air, and a lavender-blue medallion with a big question mark symbol on it fell from the ceiling.  
Link reached up to catch it, but I thought fast.  
"Hey Link, isn't that Ruto over there in the other Sage circle?"  
"WHERE?"   
  
LL/DOSEKI (WITH MINOR HELP FROM LINK... HEH HEH) GOT THE RANDOMNESS MEDALLION! SAILOR ZEL AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION! SHOULD THE NEED EVER ARISE, YOU CAN CALL UPON ZEL AND THE POWERS OF ALL THAT IS RANDOM TO GIVE YOU A HAND. YOU KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, SO ON, SO FORTH, ETC...  
  
"Hey wait a sec," I said. "Isn't Misty Dawn the something of Randomness?"  
  
**SHE'S THE QUEEN OF RANDOMNESS. SAILOR ZEL IS THE GUARDIAN OF RANDOMNESS AND THE SAGE OF RANDOMNESS. AND IF YOU TWO DON'T GET GOING, MISTY DAWN WILL BE THE RUNNING GIRL FOR ALL THE REST OF HER EXISTANCE, AND THE WORLD WILL GO KABLOOEY.**  
  
"That's right!" Sailor Zel said proudly.   
"Hey Zel, wanna come play DDR?" asked Jigglypuff?  
"No way! I have blisters from last time!" Chica protested.   
"Um... I have a swimming pool in my temple," GG said sheepishly.   
"It's a fountain." JP corrected.  
"It's BIG ENOUGH to be a swimming pool!" GG retorted.  
"Oh yeah? Well I have... uh... I have... uh... A big tornado!" Chica shot back.  
"Why don't we go to the Mystical Room of Randomness?" Zel suggested.   
"Works for me!" GG said quickly.  
"Me too!" Chica added.  
"Me three!" Jigglypuff nodded.  
  
**NO OFFENSE, BUT COULD YOU THREE BE QUIET? I HAVE TO GIVE THEM THE NEXT CLUE!**  
  
"Sorry," the Author Sages said.  
"It's OK," I told them.  
"What's the clue? I need to sit down for a while," Link whined.  
  
** HERE'S YOUR NEXT CLUE:  
  
THIS SHRINE IS HIDDEN AWAY  
BENEATH THE DEAD'S KEEPER  
SO COME ON, BABY  
DON'T FEAR THE REAPER**  
  
"DEAD?" I gasped. "I DON'T LIKE DEAD!"  
"It's all right, LL. You'll be OK," GG said reassuringly.  
"Don't worry. I'll save us," Link said, UN-reassuringly.  
Yumi smacked him. "Shut up! You'll scare him!"  
"Well," Link pondered. "The only place I know of that fits the descripton of 'dead's keeper' is the Kakariko-"  
"KAKARIKO?" I interrupted. "That's right next to HOME! I can see my Daddy again!"  
"You didn't let me finish. The Kakariko GRAVEYARD!"  
"GRAVEYARD?" I gulped. "Oh no..."  
"Relax," said Chica. "There's nothing that scary about graveyards."  
"Yeah, you'll be fine," Jigglypuff added.  
"And you can always call us for help," Zel nodded.  
"And besides, LL. You've already gone to a graveyard on this adventure. Remember, that's where you found me when I was brainwashed!" GG said.  
  
**IT'S UP TO YOU TWO... YOU HAVE THREE AND A HALF DAYS TO GO TO TWO TEMPLES AND AWAKEN TWO SAGES. CAN YOU DO IT?**  
  
"I hope so!" I said.  
"Of course," Link boasted.  
  
**OK THEN, YUMI, TRY TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GET INTO TOO MUCH TROUBLE...**  
  
"What do you think I am, a magician?" Yumi sighed.  
  
**HEH HEH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, YUMI. WELL OK GUYS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME!**  
  
"See ya around, guys," Zel grinned.   
"Bye," Chica waved.  
"Au revoir," Jigglypuff nodded.  
"Ciao," GG said, and then she winked at me. "Good luck!"  
The four Author Sages vanished out of the room, and Link, Yumi and I began to rise up inside the warp portal.  
As we vanished into thin air, I stared down at the two other Sage Seals. A white one, and a neon purple one.  
Who could the other Sages be? And would we reach them in time?  
  
  
  
Good questions, LL. How random can one place get? Are all dentists out to cause you pain, or is that just a few? Where's the next temple, and who is the next Sage? And we're still left in the dark about who is causing this mess, too!   
  
Find the answers to a few of these questions in the next chapter of SOIS:  
  
WINTER NIGHTS  
  
-or-  
  
KAKARIKO KRAZY-NESS  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	12. Kakariko Kraziness

AUTHOR'S NOTE:  
  
Hi everyone. This note is to let you know that I will be putting my fan fiction entitled "The Weakest Link" on hold until the completion of "Sage of Innocence Saga".   
Why?  
Well, school has just started for me, and since I'm in high school now, I will have a lot more homework. TWL and SOIS take a lot of work to write, and I just can't keep up with school AND two weekly fan fiction serials. Even superheroes need a break every once and a while. Since TWL takes the most time to write, and I'm further along in SOIS, I will be continuing to write SOIS until it's done, then I'll begin writing TWL again.   
PLEASE don't email me or review whining that I haven't updated TWL in a while, I KNOW. That's what this note is about. Also, I'm having some computer problems, and I'm unable to upload chapters of TWL on my home computer. As soon as SOIS is finished, I'll fix the problem.  
Don't worry, I'll still be updating "Hey Ocarina!" every few weeks, and every once and a while I'll have something completely new and different. But I can't write TWO long, serial fan fics at the same time and expect them to be halfway decent or even worth reading. This will be best in the long run, and it will mean better fan fics from me. Thanks for understanding, everyone.   
Questions or comments can be left in your review or sent to my email at galaxygirl7777@angelfire.com.  
  
Keep Laughing!  
  
~ Galaxy Girl "GG"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
DISCLAIMER: For the fortieth time, I do not own LOZ, Link, Little Link, or the world of Hyrule. I DO own myself, Doseki, the seven other temples, and the following fan fic. Any and all authors who appear in my story are there for comedy effect only, and I'm not trying to make fun of you or embarrass you. Please don't take offense at what my nutty sense of humor may make you do...  
  
  
  
Hi everybody! It's me again, your little Goron buddy LL! Last chapter, Link, Yumi and I traveled inside the wacky and weird Randomness Temple to rescue Sailor Zel, the Author Sage of Randomness. After doing the Hokey-Pokey, going on a crazy raft ride and puking my guts out, and fighting two evil dental hygienists with a bad Team Rocket rip-off for a motto, we finally received the Randomness Medallion, and the next temple clue!  
  
  
"Ah, DEATH MOUNTAIN!" I sighed. "'Tis been so long since I have set foot on your beautiful, blessed soil!"   
"What are you talking about?" Link groaned, rolling his eyes. "We've only been gone 4 days!"  
"I've never been away from home without Dad that long before," I said.   
Yumi sighed and watched the black and green 1s and 0s on the cloud above Death Mountain spin around. "I sure hope we can save the world... Otherwise, things will never be back to normal!"  
"Sure we can," Link said positively, patting Epona on her neck.   
The three of us and Epona were strolling casually towards my homeland of Death Mountain, but that's not where we were headed. We were going to Kakariko Village, where we hadn't been since the beginning of this whole big mess. I was in my Doseki form, in case you didn't know.  
  
Since the Randomness Temple, Link had decided three things:  
1. The next temple was going to be somewhere where there were dead things, as in Destiny's clue.  
2. The only place he could think of with lots of dead things was the graveyard in Kakariko Village.  
3. We had better get moving, because as of sunrise that morning, we only had 3 days until the world ended.  
  
We crossed the bridge over Zora's River, and Link looked upriver briefly, shuddering. "Woo... I still can't believe Ruto... UGH!"  
"It was yesterday, you big whiny butt!" Yumi said, rolling her eyes. "Get over it!"  
"Easy for you to say Yumi, you didn't have Ruto's tentacle shoved down your throat."  
"WHAT?" Yumi and I gasped.  
"Well you see, the Zora anatomy is that... Um..." he noticed the green looks on our faces. "OK, maybe I'll leave that for later..."  
"Thank you!" Yumi groaned.  
By now, we had reached the steps leading up the mountain into Kakariko.   
"OK now Epona girl, you stay here," Link said, patting her nose. The horse gave an appreciative (thanks, GG) whinny. "That's a girl."  
"I'm HOME!" I cheered. "Well, almost. Link, could we go visit my daddy if we have time?"  
"Maybe, Doseki. We are on a tight schedule."   
And finally, we reached the limits of Kakariko Village.  
  
We had been here before, but last time... well, things were a bit different... This time... the whole village was in chaos!   
Yumi looked around anxiously. "Is there anything wrong here?"  
"Nope. Hundreds of psycho authors running amok, everything's normal," Link murmured.  
Yep, all of the authors we had seen before, plus a few more were all running rampant through town.  
The houses looked like they had been through a big battle, and the townspeople were outside in a big group hassling some woman in the center of the village.  
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"   
"Who are these people?"  
"Make them go away, mistress!"  
"I'm working as hard as I can to make them leave, good people. We must be patient! All will turn out in the end!"  
  
We passed by Female Mikau and Dekugirl, who were strolling through town. I think they were still arguing over the fish.  
"You Zoras are so hard to deal with!"  
"You Deku Scrubs are so stubborn! UGH!"  
A man wearing a toga, a Bunny Hood, and a pair of sandals rushed into town right behind us carrying letters. "Scuze me, pardon me, coming through..."  
Upon hearing him say that, Misty Dawn stuck her head out from behind a cottage. Her eyes widened, and she shrieked. "RUNNING MAN, MY LOVE!"  
He screamed. "AAGGGH! NOT YOU AGAIN! AAGGGHHH!"  
Then the Running Man and the self-proclaimed Running Girl sped off out of the village, the latter chasing the former.  
Matio64 was still playing his music box, and Epona the Lost Sage of Life had joined the party as a carpenter woman. Racing around with a box of tools, she kept stopping to nail boards in random places on the cottages, and the residents would run out and yell.  
Candy stumbled out of the Bazaar with an armful of weaponry. "Oh brother! Ever since Fianna disappeared, the boss has been making me do all the work around here! GRRR!"  
Zelda in a Crystal had given up on her Potion Shop business, and had started a career as... a circus barker?  
"HURRY, HURRY! STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE THE AMAZING THREE FOOT WOMAN EATING CUCCO!"  
She pulled back a large curtain, to reveal poor Granny the Potion Shop lady banging on a large glass beaker and yelling. A small fried Cucco was next to her.  
"Aw, come on!" Zelda in a Crystal screamed. "You gotta eat the Cucco!"  
"I'M A VEGETARIAN!" Granny yelled back.  
Down the Death Mountain Trail strutted Darmani, with his shoulders broad and a big fake white beard on him like he was the REAL Darmani.  
Topaz, who was still an old woman, was wandering around the village muttering vague stories and "Oh, when I was a kid, this whole village..."  
Ryo-Chan had changed into a big puffy pair of parachute pants. She raced up to us. "ARE YOU GERUDOS?" she wailed desperately.  
"Um, no," I said awkwardly.  
"OH POO! I'LL FIND YOU, MY BELOVED GANONDORF-CHAN!"  
She scampered off.   
Link raised his eyebrows. "Wow, she really is crazy."  
Ice Sage was racing around the village, dressed in an ornate black robe with blue on it. She kept yelling, "KOUME? KOUME, WHERE ARE YOU?"  
Gunner47 had climbed up onto a roof, and was pointing at the peak of Death Mountain and screaming, "LOOK! SOMETHING'S GOING ON AT DEATH MOUNTAIN!"  
Oh, if only you knew, Gunner... If only you knew...  
  
"But Mistress, they're tearing apart our village!"  
"What's wrong with them? Why won't they listen to us?"  
"Please, Mistress! Make them leave my poor Cuccos alone!"  
"My cows have stopped giving milk since they came!"  
"Now, I told you, I'm working as hard as I can to turn things back to normal!"  
The crowd dissipated away from the woman in the square, and Link gasped. "Impa!  
A familiar-looking woman with silver hair in short black shorts and black body armor, with leather shoulder straps and an eye painted on the armor stood in the center of the village. Her face and eyes were painted, and she had a large knife at her waist.  
"Impa!" Link shouted out, racing towards her. He stopped and turned to us. "Come on you guys, I know her!"  
Impa! She was the Sage of Shadow and the leader of Kakariko Village. She and my dad did a lot of trading bombs for arrows and stuff like that. She had known me since I was just a little Goron.  
"Impa!" Link yelled again.  
The woman turned towards us. "Why, if it isn't the Hero of Time! How are you, lad?"  
"Fine, just peachy," he said, as Yumi and I ran up to join him.  
"Oh? Who is this handsome young lad?" she asked.  
"This is Yumi, and Doseki." Link said. "Oh wait, LL do you know Impa?"  
"Impa, it's me! Little Link of the Gorons! Darunia's son!"  
"That voice sounds familiar," Impa said, thinking. "Oh! LL! What on Earth has happened to you?"  
"Long story..." I muttered. "Here. INNOCENCE MEDALION RETURN!" I held up my medallion and turned back into myself.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Impa smiled and rubbed my head when she saw me. "Why, Darunia's little boy has grown up to be the Sage of Innocence..."  
"You know about the Sage of Innocence?" Link gasped.  
"An ancient Sheikah legend tells of the son of a great warrior who could change shape, and fought along side the Hero of Time." Impa nodded. "And no need to explain the virus to me... I foresaw it in a dream last week... It's terrible!"  
As soon as she said that, Sensei raced by us, wearing Sheikah-like clothing. He stopped and bowed. "OH GREAT IMPA! I BOW TO YOU, AS YOUR HUMBLE SHEIKAH WARRIOR SERVANT! I AM OFF TO FIGHT EVIL! HOOOOCHA!"  
  
Impa rolled her eyes, and nodded. "Aye, the Princess has been terribly worried... especially when several girls showed up at the castle a few days ago demanding to be let in, and that they were the princesses of Hyrule!"  
"Did you tell Zelda your dream?" asked Yumi.  
"No... I was afraid it would worry her sick. But I suppose I should have told the future queen and Sage of Light..."   
"Impa, we're here looking for the Fifth Author Sage." Link told her.   
"Fifth? Already? Aye, you two have been working hard."  
Black Pegasus raced by us, carrying a saddle. "NEIGH!" she neighed.   
"I really, really hope she doesn't remember any of this when she wakes up..." I sighed.  
From up by the windmill, we heard someone screaming "AYYYY! I AM THE GREAT SAGE OF SHADOW! BOW TO MEEEEE! AAHHAHAHAHAAA!"  
It was Shadow Gamer. I guess he thought she was a Sheikah too.  
"This is nuts!" Yumi cried.  
A guy pushed by us, holding a large sword. He had mud splattered all over his face.   
"FIERCE DE-ITY!" Psycho Link screamed out, and he tried to cut Link in half.   
Link grabbed his shoulders and pointed him in the direction of the village exit. "Hey Look, Fierce Deity! It's a couple of monsters!"  
Psycho Link screamed, and raced off.  
Impa nodded. "I'd just been to the mountain to ask your father for help, LL. But it seems Death Mountain has been overrun by people who think they are Gorons... I spoke with Nabooru and little Saria in the Chamber of Sages, and it seems that the desert and the forest have been affected too... And there are so many Sheikah-wannabes here, it's insane!"  
Link raised an eyebrow. "Sheikah?"  
"But aren't you the last of the Sheikahs?" Yumi asked.  
"Besides my nephew Sheik, and a small tribe of us in a location I can't reveal, yes... You have seen almost all of the so-called Sheikah already. All but one girl... she sits in the graveyard all day guarding this strange boy with purple hair, and she wears Sheikah-like clothing, too..."  
We all gasped.   
"Destiny's last clue was 'This shrine is hidden away, Beneath the dead's keeper, So come on baby, Don't fear the reaper'" Link told Impa.  
Her eyes widened, and her eye makeup made them look really big. "Oh my..."  
"What did the girl say her name was?" I asked.  
"Niniel," Impa said. "She should still be in the graveyard... but I have foreseen danger for her..."  
"OH NO!" Link and I cried.  
"Niniel will be in an awful lot of trouble if she's the next Sage and we leave her alone for too long!" Link said.  
"We gotta go!" I gasped.  
"You go, lads. I'll take care of things in the village, you hurry to the graveyard!" Impa said, nodding.   
"Thanks for the help, Impa!" Yumi cheered.  
Impa looked at Yumi strangely. "Aye, the lass doesn't look like any fairy I've ever seen..."  
"She's not," Link and I whispered.  
"Oh... I see... Now, get moving! This world needs saving, and you two are the only ones who can do it!"  
  
Link and Yumi sped off towards the graveyard. I slugged off behind.  
"Come on, LL! We don't have all day!" Link whined.  
"Um... I think I'll just wait out here..."  
"Don't be silly!" Yumi said, rolling her eyes. "You have to come!"  
"I hate graveyards! I told you that!"  
"Come ON!" Yumi snapped.  
"I don't want to!"  
Yumi flew over next to my head, and knocked into it several times.  
"OW! OW! OW! STOP IT!" I moaned.  
"You stop it! Now you be a good boy and get inside this graveyard!" she said.  
  
The graveyard looked exactly as it did when we had last been here, right before we discovered GG.   
Only... there was something different...  
We could hear soft humming from the far side of the rows and rows of headstones. And we could also hear someone grunting and screaming.  
Link snuck over behind the large headstone at the front of the graveyard, and motioned for us to follow. "Come here, let's see who it is!"  
We snuck over near him, and very quietly peeked over the back of the headstone.  
At the far end of the graveyard, there sat a lovely young lady a little older than GG. She was dressed in Sheikah clothes like Impa's, and she had sparkling bluish-white hair. There was a blue tiara on her head, and she seemed to be drawing a picture while she sang.  
She was an author, I knew it! But which one? I couldn't tell from this far away.   
The grunting was coming from a young man tied to a chair and gagged right next to the girl. He had short purple hair, and red eyes like mine...   
"That's... KAFEI!" Link gasped. "The guy from Termina, Kafei! What's he doing here?"  
Yumi shrugged. "Maybe he's taking a vacation?"  
"He's tied to that chair and gagged," Link said sternly. "I don't think so..."  
"I know!" I gasped. "That author! It's Wintyr!"   
"Why did she tie up Kafei?" Yumi asked.  
"Yeah, what's up with that?" Link repeated, impatiently.  
"Wintyr has a thing about pretty boys with long hair... Kafei is like her dream guy! Her alter-ego must have kidnapped him!"  
"Hold still!" Wintyr snapped at Kafei. "I can't sketch you if you don't hold still!"  
The gag fell out of Kafei's mouth. "I DON'T WANT TO BE SKETCHED!" he screamed. "I WANT TO BE LET GO!"  
"Aw, now is that any way to treat your future wife?" she asked. "A Sheikah man would never do that to me!"  
"You're not my future wife!" Kafei yelled. "Just because things didn't work out with Anju doesn't mean I want to marry you!"  
Wintyr gasped. "But Kafei, look!"  
She held up her hand. A sparkly diamond ring was on her left hand ring finger.  
"I DIDN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU!" Kafei yelled. "That ring belongs to my girlfriend!"  
"I am your girlfriend, you silly goose!" Wintyr cooed.  
"You are not! Wintyr is my girlfriend, you're just some psycho who looks like her!"  
"I already told you, there's no such person as Wintyr. What kind of name is that? Now my name..."  
"What kind of stupid name is Niniel?" he groaned. "You're not Wintyr, you're someone named Niniel and Wintyr is the only girl for me!"  
"Hey, I gagged you for a reason, Kafee-Waffee!"  
"Oh jeez, please don't call me that ever again..."  
Wintyr or Niniel as she was going by stood up and replaced the gag in Kafei's mouth.  
Then she went back to humming and sketching. And Kafei went back to grunting and whining.  
  
"This is very bad..." Link murmured.   
"I wanna go home!" I wailed. "I hate graveyards!"  
"Get a hold of yourself, LL! We haven't been approached by any evil undead creatures yet, have we?" Yumi pointed out.   
Suddenly, a very weird chill filled the air.   
Dark clouds seemed to roll in, and we heard rustling behind us.  
"We gotta go over and talk to Wintyr..." Link said.  
"Link, what was that noise?" I gasped fearfully.  
"It's nothing."  
"It was something!"   
All of a sudden, we heard two evil laughs. One was slightly high, and one was kind of low.  
"TERRY AND KIM! BACK FROM THE DEAD TO KILL US!" Yumi shrieked.  
There were two flashes of light from behind us, and we heard the two voices giggling maniacally.  
We both spun around, and screamed.  
  
On the left side behind us was a girl, only she didn't look normal... she had pale skin and wore a purple hood over her head, and she was wearing torn up clothes and carrying a lantern.  
On the right was a boy, and he looked a lot like the girl, with a hood, torn up clothes, and a lantern.  
"Intrudersss in our graveyard..." the girl said evilly.  
"Yessss, we must teach them a lesssssson!" the boy laughed.  
"POES!" Yumi cried.  
Not just any Poes, they were authors! The boy was Mister Crash, and the girl was Saridaru-Chan...  
"You two go away!" Link yelled bravely. "Leave us alone, or my sword will find you!"  
"He sayssssssss he hasssss a sssssssword!" Saridaru laughed.   
"Sssssssswordsssss cannot hurt usssssss!" Mister Crash grinned.  
"GO AWAY!" I shrieked.   
Both Author Poes giggled, and Mister Crash slowly drifted towards me. "Boo!" he said.  
I screamed and tried to back away.  
"He'ssssss afraid of little old me!" Mister Crash chuckled.  
"Aw, poor little guy... we'll be your friendssssssss!" Saridaru cooed mockingly.  
"I don't want no Poes for friends!" I yelled, holding up the Innocence Medallion.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I pulled out the Little Giant. "Go away!"  
"He isssss neither Goron nor human..." Saridaru said, puzzled.  
"No! I'm a Goron! I'm just... better equipped this way!" I said, holding up the Little Giant threateningly. "Now go away and stop scaring Yumi before I beat you up!"  
"SCARING YUMI?" Yumi laughed.   
"Go ahead, try ussssssss..." Mister Crash smiled.  
"That's enough!" Link yelled. He pulled out his sword, and tried to slice through Saridaru.   
His sword moved right through her!  
"SHE REALLY IS A POE!" Yumi shrieked.  
"RUN!" I yelled.   
The three of us attempted to split, but Mister Crash appeared in front of us and shook his lantern threateningly.   
"Ohhhhh... help usssss! We need your help, sssssssilly humansssss!" Mister Crash wailed.  
Saridaru appeared near us, too. "Pleasssssse! Help usssss! We were only joking!"  
"Why do you need our help?" asked Link.  
"Coeur de Glace! Coeur de Glace!" Saridaru and Mister Crash moaned. Their voices drove chills down my neck.  
"What?" Yumi and Link echoed.  
"Coeur de Glace! Coeur de Glace!" they repeated.   
"What does that mean?" I asked frantically.  
"She! She cursssssssed usssssss!" Saridaru cried.  
"We were brother and sssssissssster who traveled and ssssssold medicine and dog leasssssshesssss!" Mister Crash groaned.  
"We wandered into the graveyard, and we found her lair!" Saridaru cried sadly.  
"Coeur de Glace! Coeur de Glace!" Mister Crash yelled.  
"OK, OK, enough with the Core dee Glass, please!" Link said.  
"Coeur de Glace, you sssssstupid idiot!" Saridaru and Mister Crash cried.  
Link blushed, and Mister Crash continued. "She cursssssed ussss! She transsssformed ussss into Poessssss!"   
"Sssssave ussss! Pleasssssse!" Saridaru finished.  
The two of them bowed.   
"Who is Coeur de Glace? Where is her lair?" I asked quickly.  
"Two sssstonessssss are down, two sssstonesssss is right!" Mister Crash cried.  
"But who is she?" Yumi asked again.  
"Evil! Evil!" Saridaru yelled.  
I rolled my eyes. "Gee, no kidding."  
"Dessstroy Coeur de Glace, sssssave Miko and Nika!" Mister Crash and Saridaru (AKA Miko and Nika) cried.   
"Her weaknesssss isssss..." began Saridaru, when suddenly, a rock flew through the air, almost hitting her.  
Mister Crash and Saridaru vanished, and we heard a voice yelling. "HEY! Stupid Poes! Leave them alone!"  
  
We spun around to see Niniel (AKA Wintyr) with a handful of rocks, standing next to her chair. "Hey, are you all right?" she cried out.  
"Fine!" Link yelled back.  
"Why don't you guys come over here? I need someone to talk to anyway!" Niniel said.   
"Now's our chance!" Link grinned.  
"But Link, what about Mister Crash and Saridaru?" I asked. "Shouldn't we help them?"  
"We can't, Doseki. We don't know where Coeur de Glace's lair is, and we need to awaken the next Sage!"   
"They said 'Two stones are down, two stones is right!'" I said. "Isn't that where they said?"  
"We'll see if we have time to," Link told me. "Then we'll help them."  
Niniel stood up to greet us. "Hey, sorry about those Poes. Those two seem to enjoy harassing people who come to pay their respects in the graveyard,"   
"It's all right," I said.  
"I'm Niniel of the Sheikah, the great artist of shadows!" Wintyr said. "And that's my boyfriend, Kafei. I'm sketching him."   
"Why is he tied to that chair, then?" asked Yumi.  
"Because he kept running. He swears that I'm not his girlfriend, and that his girlfriend is somebody named Wintyr." She took her voice down a few octaves and started some baby-talk. "But he's my wittle Kafee-Wafee no matter what he says!"  
Link nodded. "Interesting."  
Suddenly, Niniel looked at Link, and her mouth slowly spread into a playful grin. "Heyyy... you're not handsome, you're GORGEOUS! What's your name?"   
"Uh... uh... Link..." Link stuttered.  
"Oh really... how old are you, Link?" she asked.  
"20," he said. I could see him crossing his fingers behind his back.  
"REALLY? ME TOO!" she shrieked. Wow, she really was in a fantasy world. She thought she was 5 years older than she was.  
"Uh..."   
"DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" Niniel asked quickly.  
Link saw Kafei out of the corner of his eye, screaming and kicking and grunting.  
"Uh, I-"  
"He's taken." I said smoothly.  
"By who?" Niniel said, a hint of disappointment in her voice.  
"The Zora Princess Ruto!" I grinned.  
Link gasped and threw me a Look. "No, no, no, I..."  
He took another look at Kafei, tied to the chair. Link sighed pathetically. "The wedding's... next... month..."  
"Aww, I'm so happy for you!" she cooed. Then she saw me. "HOW ABOUT YOU, SWEETIE?"   
"Uh..."  
"He's Doseki." Link said slyly.   
"How old are you?" she asked hopefully.  
"14," I said.  
"Awww... you're too young. BUT IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU'RE EVEN CUTER THAN LINK!" she wailed.  
"HE IS NOT!" Link snapped.  
"Oh well... in a couple of years, it won't matter..." Niniel grinned at me.  
"Uh... Sorry lady, I'm taken too..." I said. "I have a girlfriend. And besides, I'm a Goron!"  
Niniel raised her eyebrows, and burst out laughing. "Oh, sure you are!"  
"No, really!" I said, showing her my tattoo. "I'm a GORON!"  
"HEEP!" she squeaked. She studied my face carefully. "Um, OK whatever you say, Doseki... it's all right. KAFEIIIIIIII is the only guy for me!"   
As she said his name, we saw him split for the end of the graveyard. His ropes lay across the ground near the chair.  
Niniel gasped. "HEY! GET BACK HERE! I'M NOT DONE YET!"  
Then, she looked at us quickly. "Sorry, gotta go!" and ran off after her boyfriend.  
  
"She was... weird." Link said, scratching his head.  
"Hey, how did the ropes get untied?" Yumi asked somewhat angrily.   
We heard two familiar voices laughing, and we saw Crash and Saridaru standing near Kafei's chair.   
"Rude human interrupted ussss!" Saridaru snapped. "Coeur de Glace guards her lair... and the Heart of Ice guards the Temple!"  
"WHAT TEMPLE?" Link gasped.  
"We continue where we left off," Crash snapped.  
"But... what temple?" begged Link.  
"That somewhere elssssse... we speak of Coeur de Glace's lair, now!" he said.  
Saridaru struck a dramatic pose. "Coeur de Glace has but one weaknesssss! It issssss-"  
  
Just as Saridaru started to say what Coeur de Glace's weakness was, we heard someone shout our names.   
"Link! Doseki!"   
Saridaru and Crash both sighed angrily, and vanished. Down, off of a high ledge behind where Wintyr had been sketching jumped Sheik.   
"We meet again, boys," Sheik said, giving a low bow. "I see you have learned what has become of Kakariko Village from my Aunt Impa..."  
"It sure is crazy around here," I commented.  
"Certainly is. Now, since you have found the location of the next temple, I will teach you the next song after a long elaborately planned philosophical speech..."  
Link sighed.  
Sheik pulled out that little stringed thing and cleared his throat. "It is something that we develop over time: True emotion. For family, for friends, even for young love. Emotion is the glue that holds together the bonds of the family and the heart, and the paint that expresses the inner feelings of the heart. Listen to this, the Monody of Emotion!"  
"Monody!" I repeated. "That game is fun."  
Sheik looked at me in disbelief, and I think he was frowning, if it weren't for his mask. "Not Monopoly, Monody. Oh jeez, just play the song!"  
  
_____^____________________^______________________^_  
____________________________________________________  
________________________________________________  
___________________V___________________V__________  
________________________________________________  
  
Link repeated the song on Ocarina, and I repeated it on drum. Yumi also repeated it, singing very badly off-key.  
Sheik put the stringed thingy away. "Good job. Now you've learned the Monody of Emotion, which you will need to open the door to the Emotion Temple."  
"Where is the Emotion Temple entrance? Here in the graveyard, but where?" asked Link.  
"Two figures of light who have been shrouded in darkness by Coeur de Glace know of the location." Sheik said. "You must talk to them before you can enter the temple and rescue the Sage of Emotion by defeating the Heart of Ice. Anyway, that's all for now. Good luck with the Fifth Temple, and I'll see you again at the Sixth. Farewell, my friends!"  
He stepped back a few feet and threw that marble-like thing, and disappeared.  
  
"It's Saridaru and Crash," Link said.   
"So now we have to find the Emotion Temple, beat the boss, and THEN find Coeur de Glace's lair and kill her too?"  
"Looks like it," Link sighed.  
There were two flashes of light, and Saridaru and Crash appeared for a third time.  
"Humansssss are annoying!" Crash said, rolling his blank ghostly eyes.  
"No kidding, Brother," Saridaru replied.   
"Enough about Coeur de Glace, where's the Emotion Temple?" asked Link, somewhat impatiently.  
"We already told you! Two stones are down, two stones is right!" Saridaru said.   
"But you said that was where Coeur de-" I started.  
"QUIET, MORTAL! Now, Coeur de Glace has but one weaknessssss..." Crash began.  
"That weaknessssss issssss EMOTION!" the two Poes finished.   
"Thank you. Very informative," Link said. "Now, can we please get going to the Temple?"  
"The sssssooner you find the entrance, the sssssooner we will be free!" Saridaru cooed.   
Then, the two ghosts vanished into thin air, this time by their own choice.  
  
"What did they mean by 'Two stones are down, two stones is right?'" I asked Link.  
"Maybe the stones they mean are gravestones, then we would have to follow the pattern of two down and two right..." he murmured.  
Suddenly, we heard a gasp and a shriek of terror.   
"WINTYR!" all three of us cried.  
The cry had come from the front of the graveyard. We sped down to the front of the graveyard near the large gravestone out front, and we saw that the screamer was... KAFEI?  
"She's gone!" Kafei screamed.   
"Who is gone?" Link asked.   
"Niniel! She was chasing after me and I ran in here to try and lose her, but once I passed that large gravestone, I heard a gasp and I spun around, and she was gone!"   
"Slow down, slow down!" I said. "We don't understand you!"  
"Hey, aren't you Link?" asked Kafei, more calm this time.  
"Uh, yeah. What happened again? Slower, this time."  
"Wow, I never got to tell you... Anju and I broke up. We never did have the wedding... well we did, but she forgot to come, and..."  
"KAFEI! Not right now! Come on, let's hear what happened again!"  
Kafei swallowed hard. "I was running from Niniel..."  
"Yes?" I asked.  
"She chased me back here in the graveyard..."  
"YES?"   
"Suddenly, I heard her gasp, and I turned around, and I saw her disappearing into a small hole just big enough to fit through right there..." he said, pointing in front of the gravestone.  
"A shortcut in!" Link gasped.  
"... which then closed up..."  
"Aw, shoot."  
"And then I screamed!" Kafei said. "Where did she go? Is she all right? I really don't like her, but if something were to happen to her because of me, I-"  
"No, no, it wasn't you Kafei..." Link said.  
"Hey Kafei, could I ask you something?" I interrupted.  
"Sure. What?"  
"What does 'Coeur de Glace' mean?"   
Kafei thought for a second. "It means 'Heart of Ice'. Why?"   
Our eyes widened. They were the same person!  
"Oh please! You guys gotta help me! If anything happens to her, I'll just..."  
"We... we have it under control," Link stammered.  
"Oh good," Kafei said. "I'll just wait here..."  
"Um, Kafei could you excuse us for a second?" Link asked him sweetly.  
"Uh, sure." Kafei wandered back to his chair, picked up Wintyr's drawing, and sighed.  
"THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON!" Yumi cried. "This cuts our work in half!"   
"But Yumi, this is terrible!" Link cried. "Coeur de Glace or 'Heart of Ice' turned two innocent people into Poes! If she knows that Wintyr is the Sage who will help bring an end to her rule... WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE'LL DO TO HER?!"   
"Instead of a Poe, she could mutate her into some kind of a DEMON! A BIG, REALLY EVIL DEMON!" I gasped.  
AND WHAT WOULD SHE DO TO US? GOOD GRIEF! WHAT WOULD SHE DO TO US???  
  
  
  
WHAT WILL SHE DO TO THEM? GOOD GRIEF! WHAT WILL SHE DO TO THEM? This Coeur de Glace sounds pretty evil, and powerful... Have Link and LL/Doseki finally met a villain they can't beat? And WHO IN THE WORLD IS CAUSING ALL THIS TROUBLE? Ganondorf again? OR SOMEONE ELSE?  
  
Find the answers to some of your questions next chapter:  
  
HEARTS OF ICE  
  
-or-  
  
EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN  
  
And stay tuned for MORE Sage of Innocence Saga!  
  
  
  
  



	13. Hearts Of Ice

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: HEARTS OF ICE -or- EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN  
  
Disclaimer: DON'T YOU GET IT YET? I don't own Zelda. You don't think I own Zelda either. At least, I hope not. I do own the characters of Galaxy Girl and Doseki, and the seven extra temples, as well as the following chapter of the story and all preceding chapters. All author appearances are with the utmost respect, and no insult or mocking is intended. Remember: it's all for the sake of comedy.   
  
  
  
Guess who? Ah, you got me. That's right, it's me, LL again. Last time, Link, Yumi and I made our way to Kakariko Village, where we spoke to Impa and discovered that the authors had taken over the whole village! In the graveyard, we met the author Wintyr, who believed she was a Sheikah named Niniel. With Niniel was her hostage- er, BOYFRIEND Kafei. We also ran into two mysterious Poes named Miko and Nika, who are actually the authors Mister Crash and Saridaru-Chan. Wintyr has disappeared, and Crash and Saridaru have asked us to help them by defeating an evil witch named Coeur de Glace, which we may end up doing anyway... Well, I guess we'll find out this chapter!  
  
  
  
"I DON'T WANNA BE TORTURED BY A WITCH!" I wailed.  
"Get a hold of yourself, Doseki! We have a long way to go before we get to Coeur de Glace anyway..." Link muttered. "We just have to find the entrance now!"  
"'Two stones are down, Two stones is right!'" Yumi said, matter-of-factly.  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I KNOW!" Link barked crankily. "But two stones down and two stones left from where?  
"I guess... just some random place..." I groaned. "We have a lot of playing to do..."  
  
Twenty gravestones later, Link and I were no closer to finding the Emotion Temple than we had been an hour ago.   
"It's almost dark!" Yumi cried desperately. "AND GHOSTS COME OUT AFTER DARK!"  
"We'll find it!" I said triumphantly.  
"Doseki, we're running out of gravestones. And my lips are so tired, I don't know if I can play that stupid Monody or whatever it is one more time..." moaned Link.  
"It's the Energy Temple all over again!" I whined.  
"Shut up, both of you. Let's pick a spot that would be logical to start from, and go two down and two left from there." Yumi suggested.  
"Ah, why not?" Link shrugged. "Let's go to the Royal Family's Tomb Marker..."  
  
Standing on a small Triforce symbol made out of dirt, we watched Yumi fly two rows down and two stones to the left.  
"RIGHT HERE!" she shrieked.  
Link and I stomped over to the stone, and got ready to play the Monopoly... er, Monody of Emotion one more time.  
And once we were finished, we watched the stone very, very closely... for any sign of any change whatsoever!  
And nothing happened, anything at all.  
Link threw his hands up in despair. "AGGH!"   
Then he and Yumi turned around and began to search for one more place to go two down and two left from.  
I stayed next to the gravestone, and sighed. Sitting down on the stone, I watched Link and Yumi arguing over where to play the song next.   
I was feeling really homesick... I wanted nothing more than to go up that mountain immediately North and take a nap in my own room and see my dad again.   
And by the way the mission was going, I was starting to doubt that we would be able to save the world at all! As of dusk, we only had 2 1/2 days until the big KABLOOEY! And in that 2 1/2 days, would we actually be able to complete TWO temples?   
I wasn't feeling very good, either... I had a tummy ache... I wanted to go home... or at least chew on a nice, tasty Dodongo's Cavern Grade A Top Sirloin Rock... But the drum wasn't on my real body, so I was stuck here for a while...  
Hey, was it just me, or did a draft roll in?  
"Brrr!" I shivered. "Woo, it's cold..."  
And then I noticed what was happening. The gravestone below my butt had frozen over! A solid sheet of shimmering ice covered the whole gravestone, and uh... froze my tunic and part of my pants to the grave...  
  
"LINK! COME HERE!" I yelled.   
Link and Yumi turned around, and raced down to where I was sitting.   
"What is it?" he asked. Then he saw the gravestone. "WHOA! Hey, we did it! The Emotion Temple is right under that gravestone!"   
"Hurry, stand up, Doseki!" Yumi encouraged.  
"I... can't." I said calmly.  
"Good grief, why not?"  
"Because my clothes are frozen to the gravestone..." I replied.  
Link eyed the gravestone and winced. "He's right, there's like an inch of fabric caught under the ice..."  
"Cut it off," Yumi suggested.  
"NO! MY UNDERWEAR WILL SHOW!" I cried.   
"Gorons don't wear underwear, silly!" she laughed.  
"No, but humans do!" I said.   
"Then turn into yourself and stand up!" Yumi suggested.  
"I can't... you see, I put my Innocence Medallion in my bag, and that was on my belt, and... Well, it's stuck too."  
Yumi groaned, and Link slapped his forehead.  
"Then how do we get you out?" Yumi asked angrily.  
"Wait for it to melt!" Link suggested.  
Yumi sighed. "This is magical ice... it won't melt on its own..."   
"Will it break?" Link and I both gasped.   
"Yep." Yumi said. "But I wouldn't do that, because..."  
"If it breaks then our problem is solved!" he said, pulling the... no way! Was that REALLY the Legendary Hammer of the Gorons, the Megaton Hammer? IT WAS! Anyway, he pulled it out of his pack and raised it high overhead, and...  
BOOM!  
There was ice and stone flying everywhere. Yumi ducked behind the next stone to the left, and I covered my face.  
And I WAS FREE!  
Well, sorta.  
  
Link stared at the place where the gravestone had been in disbelief. "Oh man!"  
I turned around. There was a gigantic piece of ice and stone hanging off of my butt. And even worse, right over the bag with the Innocence Medallion in it.  
"ARRRGGGH!" I screamed. "Get it off!"   
"I'll whack you if I try," Link said.  
"So melt it!" I cried.  
"It doesn't melt naturally."  
"So melt it UN-naturally! I don't wanna be seen with this hanging off my rear!"   
Link thought for a minute. "Oh, of course!"  
He pulled his flame-thrower from the Energy Temple out of his pack. We had refilled the fuel in Clock Town, by the way.  
"Hold still!" he said.   
Yumi gasped, and flew into Link's hat. "I can't watch!"  
I turned around. "I can't watch my butt get burned off either..."  
And then there was a WHOOOOSH and a rush of heat.  
"AAGGGH! MY BUTT IS ON FIRE! MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!" I screamed.  
"No, it's not. Done!" Link said calmly.  
He turned off the flame-thrower and put it away.  
I turned around, and saw the chunk of stone on the ground in a puddle of water. My tunic and bag were all in one piece, and not burnt either.   
"PHEW!" I sighed. "Hey Link, if you tell anyone about this adventure of ours, leave this part out, OK?"  
"Don't worry. It wasn't any more fun for me," he groaned.  
Suddenly, the puddle of water began to form ripples in it.  
"Get out of the way!" Yumi yelled, smacking into my head.  
I stepped away from it, and seconds later, the water re-froze, all on its own!  
"Wow... scary..." I whistled.  
"That's never a good sign..." Link muttered.  
"Well, at least we've found the entrance to the Emotion Temple." Yumi said, pointing at the seemingly bottom-less hole that had appeared underneath the gravestone.   
"Who's going first?" I asked.  
"You will." Link said.  
"Hey, you jerk! You're the hero here! Why don't you go down first, and then help Doseki down?" Yumi shouted.  
"Because the last time I tried that, I had 600 pounds of Goron land on top of me from 50 feet in the air!" he snapped.  
"Hey, that was a Goron. Now he weighs 430 pounds less." Yumi pointed out.  
"But he's still heavy!" Link retorted.  
"Fine! I'll go first!" I screamed. "But if anything eats me, it's going to be your butt, Link."   
  
I stood at the edge of the hole, feeling very, very uneasy...   
"Well, are you going to jump sometime today?" Link asked impatiently.  
"I can't see the bottom!" I wailed.  
"Oh, you'll be fine. Just jump. If it's really high, then lean forward while you fall and you'll somersault at the bottom to keep from getting hurt," he reassured me. Again, in that UN-reassuring way of his.  
"I changed my mind. You go first!" I said.  
"Oh come on, Doseki, it's not that bad! I thought you got over your fear of heights!"  
"That doesn't mean I want to jump down a hole that is so deep I can't see the bottom or even know what's down there!"   
"Oh puh-lease, I've done it thousands of times."  
"You're a lot older than me! I don't wanna die so young!"  
"I'm only 17 years older than you. In human years, that is."  
"You're 72 Goron years older than me..."   
"Really? I'm... 93 in Goron years?"  
"That's pretty young, actually. The Great Darmani was 461 in Goron years when he died.  
"Wow... you Gorons live a long time..."  
"Actually, 461 in Goron years is only 90 in human years. So, we live about the same length, just with different measurements."  
"How long is a Goron year anyway?"  
"Each season, ya know, winter, spring, summer, fall, is a Goron year. Give or take a few days, the formula is 1 human year equals 4.6666666666 Goron years."  
"How do you tell the years apart?"   
"Well, winter is the Ice Year, spring is the Flower Year, summer is the Fire Year, and fall is the Wind Year. My birthday's on the first 17th of each year. And then we just get to counting the-"  
Yumi was furious. "HOW DID WE GET TO TALKING ABOUT GORON AND HUMAN YEARS CONVERSIONS? ONE OF YOU JUST JUMP!"  
"I'm not going first. If he lands on me one more time it might be the last time. My spleen has had enough!"  
"I'm not going first. He's the hero, and besides, I'm not that heavy!"  
Yumi sighed dejectedly. "Good grief, then I'LL go first!"  
Both of us freaked. "Yumi, you don't have any weapons!" Link gasped. "You'll be murdered!"  
"IF there are any monsters in the first room, I'll take care of them!"   
"But Yumi..."  
"If you two are going to argue about it, I'm just going to go first! Then you guys can fight over who will go next. See you down there!" And with that, Yumi gave us a noble look, straightened out her skirt, and zipped down into the hole.  
We watched her purple glow go lower and lower and lower, until finally, we couldn't see it at all.  
"YUMI!" I yelled down the hole. "ARE YOU OK?"  
"OK? I'M FINE! THERE'S NOTHING DOWN HERE! JUST A ROOM AND A DOOR!"  
"OK!" Link screamed. "I'm coming down!"  
"You are?" I asked.  
"Yeah, I should go first."  
"OK, Link. I'll make sure... BWA!"  
That noise was me tripping on the chunk of ice on the ground and tumbling into the hole.  
Oh boy, just my luck, huh?  
  
"AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEE!" I screamed as I tumbled down, Down, DOWN, DOOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNN what had to be the longest hole in existence.   
Everything was black, so I didn't bother shutting my eyes.   
"AHHHHHHH! PLEASE GOD, SAVE MY LITTLE BROKEN BODY!" I wailed.   
BANG!  
I smacked into what appeared to be a curve in the hole.  
"OW!" I yelled.  
I could hear Link screaming from the top of the hole.  
"DOSEKI! HOLD ON, I'M COMING!"  
"AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH-SPLAT!"  
  
I hit the ground face-first. It was not fun.   
As soon as I had regained my senses, I became aware of laughter. It wasn't good laughter, like a good laugh at a good joke... it was a wicked laugh, like you just did something bad and are proud of it.  
I sat up slowly. My nose was bleeding again...  
It's not easy to be a hero...  
I looked around for Yumi. Hey, where'd she go?   
The room I was in was big and square, with dark blue tile on the walls and floors. Big, icky spiderwebs hung all over, and the laughing kept going, echoing through the room.  
"Yumi?" I called.  
"OH DOSEKI! HELP ME!" laughed a voice.  
"EEEEK!" I shrieked.  
I sat up, and as I did, I became aware of a bunch of dark shadows descending from the ceiling.   
I gasped and backed against the wall, as at least 25 GIANT EVIL spiders lowered themselves into the room.   
One of the spiders was right near me. "OH DOSEKI! HELP ME! PLEASE!" it said, in a perfect likeness of Yumi's voice. It must have spoken as Yumi to fool us into thinking it was safe.  
"Well, well... looks like we have some more supper for tonight!" laughed one of the spiders.  
"He will be delicious," another said.  
"Who are you? What did you do with my fairy?" I yelled at them, standing up.  
"Oh, he thinks he's tough!" one spider giggled.  
"We will do to him what we will do to his stupid fairy!" another added.  
Then I heard a muffled high-pitched scream.  
I turned towards the left side of the room, and I became aware of a group of spiders surrounding something.  
The spiders moved away, and I almost screamed when I saw poor Yumi, all wrapped up in webbing, stuck to the wall like a pushpin.   
"RUN DOSEKI!" Yumi screamed. "THEY'RE GONNA EAT US!"  
"Be quiet, breakfast!" one of the spiders said.  
I heard something behind me and jumped, just before a big huge spider bit me.  
"HOLD STILL!" it yelled.  
I pulled out my crossbow. "You let Yumi go, or I'll pulverize you!"  
"Try us!" the spiders all said.  
I loaded up an arrow, took aim at one of them hanging near Yumi, and BANG!  
The spider flew like, 10 feet backwards and dropped to the ground, dead. It vanished into a burst of fire.  
"AGGGGHHH!" the spiders all screamed.   
I fired arrow after arrow and spider after spider dropped to the ground and vanished.  
Hey, where was Link, anyway?  
Finally, there was only one spider left. He was hanging near poor Yumi, who was struggling to escape.  
"Now... let's talk about this, my boy..." the spider begged.  
"I'm not your boy!" I said. "Now you let my fairy go!"  
"Oh, which fairy? This one?" the spider said, un-sticking Yumi from the wall.   
"Yes, that one. Let her go!" I demanded.  
"OK, whatever you say," the spider said calmly.  
"Oh YEAH! Great job, Doseki! You really saved my-"  
Suddenly, the spider stuffed Yumi in his big ugly mouth.  
"YUMIIIIII!" I shrieked. I took aim and fired!  
"AGGGGGHHHH!" screamed the spider. Then he hit the ground and vanished, leaving a small, purple object on the floor.  
  
I ran over to my poor, dazed fairy.  
"Oh Yumi! I'm sorry! Are you all right?"   
"Easy squeezy lemon peasy..." she murmured. Then she regained her senses. "Ugh... I hate spiders! Wow Doseki, you saved my glowing purple butt! Thanks!"  
"No problem!" I said. "I wouldn't let them get you."  
We heard a grunt, and turned to the spot where the hole let out.   
And into the room stepped Link, holding his hooky-thing in one hand.   
"And just what took YOU so long?" Yumi snapped.  
"I heard Doseki scream on the way down, so I figured I would go down slowly."  
"Well you just missed a big fight with a bunch of spiders, and poor Yumi here almost getting eaten!"   
"Oh jeez, I'm sorry, Yumi!" he said. "Next time I'll try and hurry."  
"You're just lucky Doseki got here when he did! Otherwise, I would be spider chow!" she snapped.  
"Oh wow, I feel really bad... Hey, Doseki... you killed all those spiders all by yourself?"  
"I sure did." I said proudly.  
"Wow... great! Yumi, do you feel any better now?"  
"About as good as you can feel when you've just been eaten by a spider and then spit out again. Let's go, there's a door back there." Yumi said, pointing to a door.  
  
Behind the door, we could hear a whooshing wind coming in from the ceiling.   
"BRRRR! It's f-f-f-f-freezing in here!" Yumi whined. "And the spider spit doesn't help either!"  
"No kidding," said Link, who then sneezed.  
"I don't know. It's a rather comfortable temperature in here for me!"  
"You're used to it, Doseki!" Link snapped.   
We were in a long hallway with the same darkish blue stone walls as the first room. Icicles hung from the ceiling, and the floor was slippery and slick.  
"It's hard to walk. Watch your step!" Yumi said. "You wouldn't want to go careening off a cliff!"  
Around the corner, we saw something that made Link and Yumi groan, and made me shriek in joy.   
"OH GREAT! A BIG ICE-COVERED SLIDE RAMP!"  
"Oh great. A big ice-covered slide ramp."  
The floor seemed to end save for a long icy path that led downhill through a cavernous room, to a door at the other end.   
"How in the heck are we going to..." Link whined.  
"I KNOW!" I cheered. "WATCH ME!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOOOOF*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Here I go!" I said. "Oh boy oh boy! This is going to be better than rolling down Death Mountain in the winter!"  
"Hey LL, I don't think that's such a hot idea," Link said. "For one thing, what about Yumi and me?"  
"I can fly," Yumi stated matter-of-factly.   
"UGH! Fine then, what about me? And second, there's a great big jump right in the center of the room. Can you make it?"  
"Well sure!" I said. "Every Goron who is any Goron is a good cliff-roller-downer."   
Link leaned against the end of the wall and stared at the other wall, as if in deep thought.  
"What are you thinking about, Link? A way to get across?"  
"None of your beeswax," he said. "But yeah..."  
I wanted to make sure he wasn't lying, so I pulled out the Thought Mask.  
^"Hmm... Wow, I wish Zelda were here... she would know what to do! And she always had such a nice..."^  
"LIIINK!" I cried.   
He snapped out of it, and noticed the mask. "HEY! You were eavesdropping in my head!"  
"HMMPH! Looks like we'll have to keep an eye on you for a while." Yumi snickered.  
"Ah... phooey. But I did think of a way to cross!"  
"How is that?" I asked.  
Link reached deep into his pack and pulled out a mask that looked... hey, it looked like me! A Goron!  
"I haven't had to do this in years... and I'm not looking forward to it now, but... here goes nothing..."  
He put on the mask, and suddenly, blinding blue light filled up the whole room. I shielded my eyes from the glare, and when I opened them...  
THE GREAT DARMANI WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE!  
  
I screamed. "AAGGGH! GREAT DARMANI! Aren't you dead? But... OH! IT'S THE GREAT DARMANI!"  
"AAIEIEEEEE! WHERE'S LINK?" gasped Yumi.  
"Stop it, LL," the Great Darmani said.  
I ignored him and bowed. "OH GREAT GORON HERO OF THE PAST! I TOO AM A GREAT GORON HERO! I AM LINK OF THE GORONS, SON OF DARUNIA FLINT GORON, THE GREAT GORON HERO AND SAGE OF FIRE!"  
"I told you to cut it out."   
"I ENTREAT YE, GREAT DARMANI! TELL ME THE ANCIENT SECRETS OF THE GORON HERO!"  
"LITTLE LINK! GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF! SHUT UP!" screamed the Great Darmani.   
I shutted up. When an ancient dead Goron Hero tells you to shut up, you better do it.  
"CALM DOWN! It is not the Great Darmani, it's me, Link!"  
"But you're a Goron!" Yumi said.  
"DUUUUH! I know that I'm a Goron! I used the powers of the mask, WHICH by the way contains the GHOST of the Great Darmani to transform into a Goron! But I am NOT Darmani, I am still Link. So stop with all the formalities and introductions!"  
"Oh, OK." I said. "Good. I mean, gee Link, it would have been great if you really were Darmani, but now that I know you're Link I won't be all freaked out at seeing a ghost, ya know?"  
"Just hush up and roll."  
"Rolling, sir!"  
I curled up into a ball and sped off down the slide.  
"WHEEEEEEEE!" I cheered. "THIS IS GREAT!"  
I could hear Link rolling behind and Yumi up in front of me.  
Suddenly, I hit the jump! WOOOHOOO!  
I remembered what Daddy had taught me when I was just a baby Goron about flying through the air when you're rolling. "Just keep your head and arms tucked in, and don't worry about what part of you you'll land on. If you're a ball, it won't make much difference."  
Sure enough, I landed on my arm and started rolling that way before I could straighten myself out. And pretty soon, BANG! I bashed into the doorway on the other side of the long icy path.  
I sat up, and shook off the dizziness. Seconds later, BANG! Link came up behind me, and crashed into the doorframe. He stood up, and took off the mask. And soon he was my good old buddy Link again.  
The mask fluttered to the ground.  
Link shook his head, straightened his hat, and said, "I am never doing that again... I feel like I've been on a carnival ride that never ended..."  
A treasure chest rose out of the ground, and Link and I opened it.  
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! NOW THEY CAN SEE ALL THE ROOMS IN THE DUNGEON. I MEAN, THEY COULD SEE IT BEFORE, BUT NOW THEY CAN SEE IT WITHOUT BEING IN THE ROOM! DON'T YOU GET IT YET????  
  
Link pocketed the map and Yumi joined in a matter of seconds. "OK, let's keep going."  
But I stopped the party. I was curious about something. "Link, you say that Darmani's ghost is in this mask?"  
"Yep," he said.  
I picked up the mask and studied it carefully. Then, I dropped to my knees and set the mask in the snow, bowing down to it.  
"OH GREAT GORON HERO OF THE PAST! I TOO AM A GORON HERO! I AM LINK OF THE GORONS, SON OF DARUNIA FLINT GORON, THE GREAT GORON HERO AND SAGE OF FI-"  
"LL!"   
"What? You can't be too careful!"  
"I DON'T think the mask can hear you."  
"Oh. OK. Let's keep going then."  
  
Link pushed the door open and we found ourselves in a room that was shrouded with spider webs. The walls were the same, and the same freezing chill was in the air.  
"I don't like it in here! It's creepy!" I shuddered.  
"I don't like it either, LL... don't worry..." Link replied.  
Suddenly, we heard laughter almost as scary as that of any of the Dark authors ring out across the room.  
"Sweet, innocent victims... Surrender to me or I will make you wish you'd never been born!" it laughed. The voice was definitely a woman's.   
"EEEEEEK!" I shrieked.  
"Coeur de Glace!" Yumi yelped. "AGGH! LL, get ready!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I unsheathed the Little Giant and Link and I surveyed the room warily.  
"Poor little heroes... they don't know where I am! Maybe I will help them!"  
"Leave us alone!" I yelled.  
"Leave my mistress's temple before I annihilate you!" the voice sneered.Suddenly, we heard scratching noises behind us. Link spun around to attack, but it was too late. Three long strands of spider's web had snuck up behind us and wrapped us up like blankets and lifting us up off the floor!  
"ACK! I can't move!" Link grunted.  
"Me either!" I cried.  
"MMPGPHPMPPHPPHMHMGMGPPHHH!" we heard from above me. Yumi had been wrapped almost completely up in web.  
The laugh continued to pierce the room, and finally, we saw a dark shape down on the floor.   
She looked up at us, and laughed again. She was a young woman, dressed completely in black with spider webs all over her dress and raven hair. Her lips and eyes were black too.  
"Didn't I warn you?" she laughed.  
Then she began to quickly rise up until she was eye-level with me. She got right in my face and planted a smooch on my nose.   
"ACCK!" I shrieked, kicking to get her away from me.   
The woman laughed wickedly and crossed her legs in the air.   
"Shiniinoru!" we heard Yumi mumble.   
"Who is she, Yumi?" Link hissed.  
Yumi wriggled around for a moment until the web loosened from around her mouth. "It's Shiniinoru! The Dark Dream Weaver! She's a powerful evil sorceress who can control your mind if she knows your name!"   
Suddenly, I gasped. "Um... didn't you just say her name?" I said to Link.  
Link's eyes almost popped out.  
Shiniinoru laughed evilly again and stared at poor Yumi. "Oh, poor dear... it's too late for you, isn't it?"   
"To kill her all you gotta do is guess what her name means!" Yumi said quickly. "I don't think I'll be able to tell you much more because she-"  
We heard Shiniinoru chanting some kind of charm and waving her hands. Black energy was gathering around her hands, and she chanted, "Yumi the Fairy... Heart turning black... surrender your spirit... never to go back!"  
The black stuff began to glow brighter, and so did Yumi. "AGGGH!" she screamed. "You'll never take me alive, Shinnii no-brain!"   
"STOP IT! Leave her alone!" Link screamed.  
"Yumi the Fairy... Heart turning black... surrender your spirit... never to go back!"   
"STOP!" I yelled.   
A purple bubble appeared around Yumi, as it had in the DDR Temple. "You'll have to try harder than that, you dumbnik!"   
Black waves surrounded the bubble, and tried to break their way in to take over Yumi's brain.   
"We have to kill her to stop her!" I said to Link.  
"What the heck does her name mean, though?" Link snapped.  
"I will force my darkness to Yumi's poor brain! Before you ever guess my name!" Shiniinoru laughed.   
"PRAY FOR-" Yumi tried to yell, but she couldn't stop projecting her bubble for long.   
"Pray? I think we'd better!" I wailed.   
"No! Yumi was trying to tell us what her name was!" Link yelled to me.  
"Her name means 'Pray For...' WHAT?" I asked.  
We decided to try guessing random things.   
"Happiness!" I yelled.  
"Sadness!" Link cried.  
"Patience!"  
"Monotony!"  
"Uh... STUFF!"  
"DEATH!" Link shouted finally.  
Shiniinoru immediately stopped trying to take over Yumi. Her black hair began to turn silver and her dress began to fade. "NOOOO!" she screamed. "YOU... CANNOT... DEFEAT... ME!"   
"We just did!" I laughed.  
Shiniinoru dropped to the ground and disappeared in a whoosh of web and spiders.   
"Ewwww..." Yumi groaned.  
"Yumi! Are you OK?" Link asked.  
"Hey, why do I keep getting in trouble in this temple?" she demanded.  
"That was certainly easy..." I murmured.  
"Puh. If it hadn't been for me, all three of us would be evil zombies by now!"  
Another treasure chest rose up out of the floor.   
"Hey, another chest!" I grinned.  
"Sorry Doseki, but I think we have a little teeny problem to solve before we can grab the chest..." Link said.  
"What's that?" asked Yumi.  
"HOW IN THE HECK ARE WE GOING TO GET DOWN?"  
Yumi raised her eyebrows. "Gee, I never thought of that..."  
Link struggled against the spiderweb's binds. "I can't reach any of my weapons!"   
"Um... I have an idea!" I said.   
"WHAT?" Link and Yumi gasped out.  
"I could... um... if I could reach my medallion, I could turn into myself and the web would break because I'm so heavy."  
"Great idea! Try to grab your medallion." Yumi suggested.  
I struggled to try and reach the medallion hanging around my neck. "I... can't... reach it... AHA!"   
I grabbed it!  
"Innocence Medallion, retu-"  
Just before I finished, my fingers slipped and the Innocence Medallion tumbled to the ground far below.  
"Crap!" I yelled. "I dropped it!"  
"NOW WHAT?" Link whined.  
"I know! Call one of the authors!" Yumi said.  
I could barely fit my hand inside the bag holding the Author Sage medallions. I could only grab one of them, and there was no way I could see whose it was.  
"OK... Author Sage, whoever you are, please HELP!" I shouted.  
I could feel the medallion warming up in my hands, and I slowly tugged it until it came out of the bag.  
And then I dropped it too.  
A lavender-blue flash of light streaked down to the floor, and when the Randomness Medallion landed, the light extended all the way up to the ceiling and Sailor Zel appeared in the light.  
The Sage of Randomness was drawing a picture when she noticed us. "Hey guys, what's... ewwwww... SPIDERS!"  
"Could you give us a hand?" Link asked. "Is there any way you could burn these webs off of us?"  
"Well... I could try," she said hopefully.   
"Hurry! I don't want to be eaten by spiders again!" Yumi wailed.  
"OK, hold on!" Zel set down her paper and pencil and faced the webs. "Randomness Beam, Burn!" she yelled.  
Zaps of light shot out of her hands and filled up the whole room. The next thing we knew, we were suspended in midair by... nothing.   
"WAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!" the three of us shrieked as we tumbled to the ground.  
SPLAT!   
The grunt of pain below me told me that I had landed on Link again.  
"Oops. Sorry, Link." I said sheepishly, moving away.   
I think he was crying. "NO MORE! NO MORE, PLEASE! WAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Zel stared at Link and laughed. "Oh, poor baby."  
"Shut uuuuuuup..." he snapped.  
Yumi was laughing too. "Cheer up, Link. You don't really NEED your spleen anyway."  
He stood up veeeery sloooowly. "Thanks, Zel... Ow..."  
"Don't mention it," she replied. "I'm just honored that you guys called ME! The new girl! WOOO!"   
I decided not to tell her the truth about all the medallions in the bag. Besides, she had been very helpful.  
"Well, I guess I'll talk to you guys later," she smiled. "Bye now. Good luck!"  
"Thankies, Zel!" I grinned.  
"Bye," Yumi added.  
The light faded on Zel as she jumped into the air and landed on her knees Mary-Katherine-Gallagher style, screaming, "AUTHOR SAGE!"  
Link stumbled over to the chest and threw it open.  
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE BLACK DAGGER OF EMOTION! THIS DAGGER HAS MAGIC POWERS. IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT CHOPS THINGS UP, AND IT CAN SHOOT BEAMS OF LIGHT THAT INSTEAD OF BLASTING LIKE THE ENERGY STAFF, SLOWLY WARM UP AND DESTROY EVIL TARGETS WITH ITS EMOTION-Y POWERS. SURE, IT DOESN'T SOUND USEFUL, BUT IT'S A VERY FAST AND EASY WAY TO GET RID OF MANY OF THE MONSTERS IN THIS TEMPLE, INCLUDING THOSE ANNOYING SHINIINORU CHARACTERS...  
  
"Handy," Link commented, tucking it into his bag. "Where to, Yumi?"  
Yumi pulled out the map and studied it carefully. "Ah, there's another door back there."  
As we approached the door, we noticed a lot of weird writing on the door. "No more Hokey Pokey, I hope..." Link murmured.  
Yumi read the writing out loud.  
  
"'WARNING: DON'T, I REPEAT... DO NOT watch your step.'"   
  
"What? What the heck does that mean?" I asked.  
"Eh, come on," Link said. "If it were really important, they would have made it easier to understand."  
"No, no, on the contrary: If it were really important, like a life-or-death thing, they would only want the smartest people to understand it, because they are the heroes and everyone else is stupid!" I replied.  
"Ah, maybe you're right. But I don't see what it could mean."  
"Maybe it means that in the next room, we are not I repeat NOT allowed to watch our steps?" Yumi said. "Well, at least YOU two watching your steps. I have no steps."  
"Yeah, yeah, we know," Link snapped. "OK, then... you heard the sign. Do NOT watch your steps. Don't even glance at your feet."  
I shrugged. "Sounds easy enough."  
Link opened the door, and we walked inside.  
  
As the door slammed shut and steel bars covered it, another noise echoed through the room.  
It was Yumi.  
"HOLY PURPLE DISHWASHERS!" she yelled. "Where'd the floor go?"  
She was right. There was NO FLOOR in the room! It was wide and rectangular and looked quite a bit like the other few rooms, with spider webs and all, but there was NO FLOOR! Only blackness.   
"Gulp. OK... once we start walking, DON'T look down!" Link said, throwing a Look at me. "It's in rooms like this where you usually get in trouble, Doseki. DO NOT LOOK AT THE FLOOR!"  
"I can do it, I can do it!" I said. "No fear!"  
"Here goes nothing..." Link muttered. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and took one giant step into the floor-less room.  
I shut my eyes too. But when I didn't hear a scream or a KERSPLAT! - I looked to see Link, out in the middle of the room. It looked like he was standing on a white disc of light!  
"Come on, Doseki!" he cried. "It's OK! Just keep looking at the wall and you'll be fine!"  
I took one big step off the solid ledge. Sure enough, I was fine! I didn't fall or anything!  
I stared at the wall and confidently ran over to Link's side. "OK, we can go now."  
The two of us reached the door on the other side with Yumi close behind, when Link gasped. "Oh no! Look! The door is locked!"  
"Uh oh! We're stuck!" I cried.  
Under normal circumstances, I would have looked down in disappointment.   
"Now what?" asked Yumi.  
  
All of a sudden, we heard two familiar laughs. We spun around, careful to avoid the floor, and we saw Crash and Saridaru, floating in mid air near the other door!  
"Sssssstuck?" asked Sssssss- Er, I mean Saridaru.  
"We can help," Crash added.  
"But... you guys! Why did you follow us? You went in here once before and look what happened to you!" Link snapped, thoroughly annoyed.  
"Well where elsssssse would we be?" Saridaru stated matter-of-factly.  
"We're jussssst making sure our heroesssssss don't ssssscrew it up!" Crash replied.  
"H-EEEEEY! Of course we're not screwing up!" Link said indignantly.  
"Link, leave them alone. Thanks for coming!" I said to the Poes. "How do we get out of this room?"  
"Oh, I don't know... let'sssss ssssssee..." Saridaru pondered.  
"Aha! I know!" Crash smiled, looking at his "sister".   
"Oh yessss... ACK!" Saridaru shrieked suddenly. "Dosssssseki, what issssss that on your boot?"  
"What?" I gasped.   
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I totally forgot the watching your step rule...  
I swung my head down and gazed at my shoe.   
  
Gol, I was gullible.  
It was like a trap door slid open right underneath me.   
I WAS FALLING!  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I yelled.  
"DOSSSSSS- I mean, DOSEKI!" Yumi screamed.  
I had my wits about me enough to watch as Link, Yumi, Saridaru and Crash got smaller and smaller as I tumbled down what I was sure was the NEW longest hole in existence.  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLP!" I screamed. "LIIIIIINK! HEEEEEEEELLLLLLP!"  
I was joking myself. There was no way Link, or anyone for that matter could help me now.  
I silently prayed this wasn't a bottomless pit. That was an awful way to go. Not going at all!  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLP!" I screamed again out of sheer terror. Even though I knew Link probably couldn't hear me anymore.  
I tried to keep calm. I had to keep calm. People went crazy when they panicked. And if I DID ever land and survive, I would need to not be crazy.  
Falling, falling, falling, just FALLING! I began to wonder if I would EVER stop! Then I decided that landing would NOT be the best case scenario right now. If I did land, I wouldn't get up at all.   
I just slammed my eyes shut and waited for it to be over.  
When suddenly...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
BANG!!!!!!!!  
  
I was so stunned from the pain when I landed, I wasn't sure if I had really landed or not for a few minutes.   
I WAS ALIVE! SWEET LORD, I WAS ALIVE!  
I opened my eyes. I had landed, all right. The room I was in had the same blue patterned walls as the other ones, only this one looked like it had been kept clean for the last few thousand years.  
Stupid Saridaru... Oh, wait! There was a door at the other end of the room!  
She and Crash had only been trying to show us the way! Now I wasn't so angry.   
But could they have done it in a less painful way?  
I tried to sit up, but a numbing pain shot through my right wrist. "OWWWW!" I wailed. Did I break it? Whatever I did, I didn't want to risk moving it...   
Using my left arm, I stood up slowly. Cradling my injured wrist, I gazed up at the ceiling. It was pitch black, like the floor of the other room had been.  
A treasure chest was standing near the wall opposite the door. But I neither cared nor wanted to go look and see what was inside of it. I was in too much pain.  
I wondered where Link and Yumi were. Hopefully on their way down to rescue me... hopefully by a different, less-painful route.   
There was nowhere else to go but through the door.   
On the door was another sign. I was still kind of dizzy from the fall, but I could make it out anyway.  
  
THE ROOMS OF EMOTION  
A nightmare they'll trap you in  
False fantasies  
Do not say their name  
Or you're theirs as they please  
  
"Weird," I muttered.  
On top of that sign was another sign.   
  
FEAR ROOM  
  
What could the signs mean?   
  
I pushed open the door the best as I could.   
The next room was exactly the same as the last. Except there was a ceiling: dark blue, just like the walls.  
I have to say I was pretty disappointed.   
"Hmmph. Some 'Fear Room'." I chuckled, attempting to keep myself company.   
But then things got pretty scary.  
  
Seconds later, I began to hear a whooshing noise... It sounded strangely familiar... but from where had I heard it before?  
Suddenly, I noticed a creaking noise coming from the directions of the two doors in the room, the one I had entered through and the one that led to the next room.  
The door moved in, as if under great pressure, and suddenly, they exploded and a gigantic wave of water whooshed into the room!  
I shrieked and stepped back as the water filled up the floor with at least six inches of the stuff. More and more kept rushing in.  
Soon, the whole room would be filled!!!   
I yelped and raced to the door I had yet to go through. I couldn't open it! The other door had the same results. I WAS TRAPPED!  
Somehow, the water just kept coming in. Water. OH WHY OH WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE WATER?   
I searched frantically for a means of escape, and the water just got higher and higher. Finally, I realized there was nothing else in the room but 5000 gallons of H2O and me.   
The water was chest-deep now, and I started to scream.  
"LINK! YUMI! SOMEBODY! HELP ME!" I yelled, even though I knew they couldn't help me.  
Well, say goodbye to my wits. If I had been able to think, I might have called an Author Sage and gotten out. But I wasn't, I didn't, and I was still inside.  
None of my weapons could have helped me. And I may not have been thinking straight, but I knew better than to use the Innocence Medallion. Good thing I was Doseki, or else I would have drowned by now.  
But even the height difference wasn't enough to save me. Up to my neck in water, I waved both my arms, even the hurt one, and tried to swim. Nope. There was to be no swimming for me.   
I held my head up and tried to keep afloat. I didn't have much time left until the water touched the ceiling and I really did drown.  
The water began to increase in its flow, and I knew I really was done for.  
Finally, after a few agonizing moment of waiting, the water touched the ceiling and I slipped below the surface.  
I was gagging and choking and gasping and coughing frantically. AIR! I NEEDED AIR! My lungs were burning and air was the only way to stop it...  
LINK! WHERE ARE YOU?  
I began to feel extremely weak, and I knew the end was nigh.  
I WAS TOO YOUNG TO DIE!  
Suddenly, two rays of light forced their way through the water and into my consciousness. Er, that is, what remained of my consciousness.  
"DOSEKI!"  
"GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU B&%*#!"  
"She's using her power on him! Oh, quick Link! Get rid of her!"  
"HOLD ON, BUDDY!"  
There was a soft warm glow all around. It was too late. I must have died.  
There was a scream of agony, and suddenly, the entire room filled with white light, and a brief flash of yellow.   
Seconds later, something strange happened! The water was GONE! All of it had disappeared. My clothes were instantly dry, or at least from what I could tell they were.  
I gasped, and cold air filled my lungs. What? What happened?  
Then I collapsed to the floor, unconscious or dead. I couldn't tell which. I WAS UNCONSCIOUS OR DEAD, REMEMBER?  
  
"Oh no..."   
"Doseki! Doseki! No! Doseki, wake up!"  
Someone was shaking me. My guardian angel? Wow... I felt a slap on my face. Ow, that hurt...  
Hey wait! If I was dead, how was I feeling pain?  
My eyes fluttered open, and I saw Yumi in front of my face and Link shaking me awake.  
"He's awake!" Yumi cried jubilantly.  
"Oh thank goodness!" Link sighed.   
"Are you all right?" asked Yumi frantically.  
I kept on coughing. "HACK! HACK! Uhh... wh-what happened?"  
"Are you all right?" Yumi and Link repeated together.  
"I don't kn-kn-know," I said. "Are you angels?"  
"No, I'm a fairy and he's a big ugly Hylian."  
"Shut up, I am not!"  
Nope, they definitely weren't angels.  
"Then I'm alive?"  
"Of course you're alive!"  
"What happened?" I asked again, sitting up.  
"Are you all right?" Yumi nagged.  
"AGGH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, AM I ALL RIGHT?" I snapped.   
"He's all right," Link said. "Confused, as usual, but he's all right, thank heavens..."  
"WHAT HAPPENED?" I asked yet again.  
"Shiniinoru had you in her power!" Yumi said. "She nearly killed you!"  
"Shiniinoru? But we killed her!" I protested.  
"Another one. A special kind called the Emotion Shiniinoru. You must have said the name of the room, and then she was able to take over your brain and almost kill you." Yumi explained. Link nodded.  
"What about the water?" I asked.   
"Water? What water?" asked Link.  
"WHAT WATER? The water that was all over the room! I was drowning!" I cried. How could they have missed it?  
"There was no water. Fear Shiniinoru made you THINK you were drowning." Yumi said.  
"SSHHH! Don't say that!" I said. "She'll come back!"  
"I killed her," Link said, holding up the Black Dagger. "The curse in this room is gone."  
"Wait, there was no water? Not even a drop?"   
"None. When we came in, you were coughing and gagging on the floor, and Fear Shiniinoru was standing over you, chanting." Link replied.  
"Fa-reeeeeaky stuff." Yumi whistled.  
"Then how come I almost died?" I said, hands on my hips.   
"Because, silly. Your brain is the control center for your body. If your brain thinks you're drowning, the rest of your body plays the part." Yumi stated matter-of-factly.  
"Oh. I understand," I said. "Well, even if it was all an illusion, it was terrible!"   
"It's all right. The next four rooms all have an Emotion Shiniinoru in them. Just be extra careful not to say the name, and we should be fine." Yumi said reassuringly.   
"Yeah, and don't listen to any more Poes." Link said, UN-reassuringly.   
"They were only trying to show us the way," I protested.  
Yumi was already at the door. "The Sadness Room is next! Come on boys!"  
I stood up, feeling 95% better, except for my wrist, which still ached, but nothing like it did before. I must have sprained it.   
As Link walked and I wobbled to the door, I whispered something at him. "Link!"  
"What?"  
"Thank you for saving my life again."  
He smiled smugly. "It's no problem."  
"No, really. I mean it."  
"You're very welcome, Doseki. It's my job."  
"I don't think so," I replied.  
"What?"  
"I heard you call me 'Buddy'." I said, even smugger. "I may have been half-dead, but I know what I heard."  
He kind of smiled, then ran for the door. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I called you Buddy. Now let's go kick some Shiniinoru and Coeur de @$$!"  
Now I felt 100% better. It was nice to know he rescued me because he cared, and not just because he had to.  
That Link! What a great best friend!  
  
The next room was identical to the last two.   
"Well, here we are. In the Sa- Oops... uh... you know." Yumi said.  
"Hey, the other door's locked! How do we leave?" I asked.  
"Sa- Er, Shiniinoru must be in here... As long as we don't say the name of the room, she can't hurt us... but we have to bring her out and get rid of her!" Link replied, grabbing the Black Dagger again.   
The three of us moved to the center of the room and looked around warily for the evil witch to show herself.  
"Maybe we HAVE to say the room's name." I suggested.  
"Great idea, Doseki. Go ahead." Link nodded.  
"WHAT? Why me?"  
"It was your idea!"   
"I already got attacked by one of those, I don't want to!" I whined. "Why don't you say the name?"  
"Because, you don't know how to work the Black Dagger and I do."   
"Nu uh. I could figure it out!"  
"Come on, just say the word! I'll keep her from getting you. It's not a big deal."  
"NO!"  
"Come on!"  
"NOOOO!"  
"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Yumi snapped. "JEEEEEEEZZZ! I'LL say it!"   
"BUT YUMI!" Link and I protested.  
"Once she comes out, I'll be helpless, so it's up to you two to make sure I don't get killed," Yumi said. "Got it?"  
"But Yumi!" I whined.  
"Yumi, I can't let you-" Link began.  
"Shush! Do you want SADNESS to attack you?"  
"D'OH!" Link and I both interjected. She had already said it.  
Suddenly, I got a brief idea of what I must have looked like when Fear had a hold on me. Yumi's eyes got all big, and her pupils shrunk until they disappeared. "NOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed hysterically. "NOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
"YIKES!" I exclaimed. "Creepy!"  
"Shiniinoru must have got her... but where is she?" asked Link to no one in particular, spinning around to search the room.  
Then I saw a flash of blue, and a woman who looked just like the last Shiniinoru, except for all dressed in blue appeared next to Yumi. She was laughing maniacally at poor little Yumi, and chanting strangely.  
Meanwhile, Yumi was wailing and crying and screaming like the most horrible thing had just happened.  
"SHINUNORI! Er, SHINIINORU!" I shrieked. I swiped the Dagger out of Link's hands and pointed it at her. "Stop it, or I'll get you!"  
Sadness stared at me blankly, and then raised one of her hands. A blue orb began to form, and I realized that she was aiming to control ME with the same spell as Yumi!  
I heard a grunt behind me and something went flying through the air, smacking Sadness Shiniinoru right in the back of the head! She yelped in pain, and she and the Compass fell to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. Well, the Compass shattered. Not Shiniinoru, unfortunately.   
Oh, THAT'S what was in the treasure chest I passed up! Good thing Link and Yumi must have grabbed it on their way to rescue me.  
I noticed one of the whitish jewels on the Dagger's handle seemed to be a button. With nothing better to do, I took aim at Shiniinoru and FIRED!  
White light shot out of the Dagger and hit Sadness. She shrieked in agony, and her figure was gradually consumed by whiteness, until she herself shattered into pieces.  
Yumi remained floating in the air like a zombie for a few seconds, and then she shook her head rapidly and sighed. "PHEW! That was awful!"  
"Told you," I said casually.   
"Hey, nice one with the Dagger, Dosek." Link grinned.  
"Thank you, my good man!" I grinned back.  
Yumi shook her head at the broken glass on the ground. "Too bad about the Compass, though."  
"As if we ever really needed it!" Link chuckled. "Only two more Emotion Rooms to go!"  
"No, three!" Yumi corrected.  
"Eh, close enough. Either way, we'd better get going now, shouldn't we?"  
Yumi pointed out the door to the Anger Room next. We silently opened the door and walked inside.  
"Well, we know the drill. Who wants to play decoy?" asked Yumi cheerfully.  
"I already went, and so did you, Yumi." I pointed out.  
"Yeah, so that means it's... MY TURN?" Link choked.  
"You said it first, Bubba. Get over there and get angry!" Yumi said, slapping Link on the back.  
He gulped and handed me the Black Dagger. Then, Link stuck out his chest and strode triumphantly to the center of the room.  
"Um... Anger, I guess? YAARRRGGHHHH!" he screamed.  
His eyes faded out too, and Link started screaming horrible profanities and banging his head into things.  
"There she is, Doseki! Get rid of Anger before she gets rid of Link!" Yumi yelled.  
"Take this, you evil red thingy!" I yelled. I took aim at the evil witch and fired!  
Anger was hit with the white beam, yet she growled and continued to scream at Link, who in turn was screaming at no one.   
"What's wrong, Yumi?" I gasped.  
"It'll take a minute on this one!" she replied.  
Sure enough, a few seconds later Anger Shiniinoru screamed in pain and shattered into a great pile of glass.  
Link's eyebrow twitched, and he fell over.  
Yumi and I ran over to him. "Link! Are you all right?"  
"$&%* you, you $&%*#@^ $&%*#^!" he snapped to no one in particular.  
"Whoa... Yumi, what does-"  
"NO! You are NOT to repeat that word!" she yelled.   
She flew down to his face, and kicked him.   
"OW! OW! Hey, cut it out Yumi! I'm OK!" he whined.  
"Oh good. Now you can tell me what-"  
"Um... oh, nothing! It means nothing! Now come on, let's keep going." Link said quickly, heading for the door.  
  
The third room was the Jealousy Room. The three of us walked in quietly, and looked around.  
"Well, who's it going to be?" asked Link. "We've all gone already!"  
"Um... well, I don't know." I shrugged.  
"Not me," said Link.  
"Not me either," I added.  
"Or me," Yumi chimed in.  
"So... who's going to say it?" I asked.  
"I don't know."  
"Going to say what?" Yumi questioned.  
"What do you mean, say what?" Link asked indignantly.  
"Who is going to say what?" asked Yumi again.  
Link raised his eyebrows. "You know very well what whoever is going to say!"  
"Yeah Yumi, what's the matter?" I added.  
"I'm confused. Who is going to say what?" Yumi said, scratching her head.  
"JEALOUSY!" Link screamed. Then he clamped his hand over his mouth. "Oops."  
"FOOLED YOU!" Yumi laughed.  
Link's eyes got all weird again, and he started screaming at us. "Good grief, Doseki! The girls all think you're so hot, I can't even stand it! And why do you get a girlfriend, anyway? I'm older than you, and first in line! YUMI! How come you can fly and I can't? And why do you always know all the answers to everything? BRAT! I HATE YOU BOTH!"  
I saw a woman with a greenish face appear behind Link, and I quickly took aim and fired with the Dagger.  
"AGGGHHHH!" screamed Jealousy, who flinched and fell backwards, crash landing on her butt.  
But when she hit the floor, I took my hand off the button.   
Jealousy sneered cruelly at Yumi and me, and pointed a single green finger at us. "MINDLESS SERVANT! DESTROY THEM!"   
Link, like a robot, pulled out his Master Sword and ran at us screaming.   
"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Yumi and I shrieked as we ran for our freakin' lives!  
"KILL HER!" Yumi yelled at me.  
I took aim and fired again. This time, it was too much for Jealousy Shiniinoru. She cried out, and exploded into shards.  
Then Yumi and I turned towards Link, who was still charging at us.  
"HEY! CUT IT OUT!" Yumi told him.  
But Link didn't stop. I guess a little bit of Jealousy was still taking over.  
"HEEEYYYAAA!" he screamed, raising the sword to deliver the final blow.  
I quickly used a battle move GG had taught me. I stepped back, then shifted forwards and kicked Link right in the groin.  
The hypnotized Hero of Time made a face of sheer pain, and dropped his sword, hitting the floor and rolling around crying.  
"YIKES! What did I do?" I asked Yumi. "Did I hurt him real bad?"  
"Yep," she nodded.  
"Is he going to live?"  
"Yep,"  
"Is he going to be mad at me?"  
"Definitely Yep,"  
"What did I do?"  
"Hit him in the family jewels,"  
"Is that supposed to hurt real bad?"  
"Yep,"  
"Is that why he's making those awful squealing and grunting noises?"  
"Yep,"  
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Link stood up, still wailing in pain.  
"Owww... what did you do THAT for?" he asked angrily.  
"You were trying to kill us!" I said in defense of myself.  
"Oh. OWWWWWWW!" he wailed again. Then, he got a hold of himself and retrieved his sword. Stepping slowly over to join Yumi and me, he took a deep breath, muttered one last "OW," and said, "Next Shiniinoru... Doseki gets to do it!"  
  
Yumi stared, flummoxed (Wow, great word GG!) at the door that led to the next room.   
"Hey, where's the name of the room? How will we know what not to say once we get inside?"   
"Are you sure it's another Emotion Room?" I asked.   
"Positive! Look, on the map, the room with the Emotion Shiniinoru in them had this little star symbol on them. This next room has one too, but there's no sign telling us the name of the room!"  
"Maybe that's the catch," Link suggested.  
"I don't know. Let's just go on in and not say anything. We'll figure it out." Yumi shrugged.  
Link shrugged and pushed open the door.   
  
The next room looked amazingly different from the last few. Instead of just walls, the whole room looked like a cave made of ice! Great icicles columns and stalactites and stalagmites hung all over the room, and a chilling arctic wind was blowing throughout the room.  
"Whoa! What happened in here?" Link gasped.  
We suddenly got our answer when we heard a soft voice singing a familiar song.   
"Mmmm... you're frozen... when your heart's not open..." sang the voice.  
"Madonna?!?!?!" shrieked Yumi.  
"Mmmmmmmmm... If I could steal your heart... Mmmmmm... We'll never be apart!"  
"Hey, that's not how the song goes!" I cried.   
"WAIT, WAIT! Wasn't that the song that she was singing in the graveyard earlier this evening?" Link stuttered.  
"WINTYR!" Yumi shrieked.  
"Yeah, it is cold in here, but don't interrupt Link, Yumi!" I scolded.  
"NOOOO! NOT THAT KIND OF WINTER! IT'S WINTYR!" Link yelled.  
I spun around to see a pale shape floating in the air, surrounded by mist and frost.  
IT WAS WINTYR!  
She looked like her normal self now. Wintyr was wearing a white shirt with long silky sleeves and light blue jeans. Her whitish-blue hair waved around in the blizzard, and her eyes were the same blue, but much wickeder. Around her right wrist was the telltale black chain. And in her left hand was a huge, sharp, very creepy-looking scythe!  
"It's Dark Wintyr!" Yumi gasped. "She has the powers of ice, and we're in a lot of trouble if either of you get frozen!"  
Dark Wintyr gave a sinister laugh and laid back in a relaxed position. "Intruders in my mistress's temple! I have no choice but to destroy you! I will freeze you to the bone, until even your soul has no warmth! I am darkness! I am the icy night! I am WINTYR!"  
Then she stood up in mid air (if you can imagine that) and a pair of wings with feathers made of ice appeared on her back. "ARCTIC WING!" she screamed, and the feathers shot out at us.  
"DUCK!" Link yelled, diving out of the way.  
I dove the other way, and heard the shatter of the ice feathers as they cracked into pieces.   
"What do we DOOO?" I shouted to Link as we dodged another barrage of ice feathers.   
"I would say some kind of fire weapon or the Black Dagger!" Link shivered. "But I don't know how long I can last! It's colder than a tin toilet in the Snowhead Temple in here! AAACCHOOOO!"   
"Don't worry! It's not too cold for me!" I said triumphantly.   
Brandishing the Black Dagger, I gave Link a salute and we narrowly avoided another Arctic Wing attack.  
I was hiding behind one of the ice columns searching for Wintyr, when I heard a sinister voice.  
"Peek-A-Boo," it laughed.  
I shrieked in surprise and leaped out of the way as Dark Wintyr attempted to freeze me again.  
"ICE NEEDLES!" she screamed, and I felt a few of them hit the back of my leg.   
"OWIE!" I wailed.  
"You can run, but you can't hide!" Dark Wintyr smiled. She raised her scythe and a shower of icicles tumbled from the ceiling, almost turning me into a big shish kebab.   
I scrambled behind another column, and watched Wintyr surveying the room for victims.   
"Come out, come out wherever you are..." she snickered.  
"I HATE THAT CLICHÉ!" I screamed, firing a blast from the Black Dagger at Dark Wintyr.  
"AGGGH!" she screamed as the beam hit her.  
Even after the Dagger stopped to recharge, Wintyr was shuddering and wincing at being hit by the beam. It must really have worked well!  
She recovered soon, and then screamed in rage. "I'll get you yet, my little pretty!"  
"You'll soon be dead, oh what a pity!" Link laughed out from a corner of the room, finishing Dark Wintyr's sentence in a rhyme.  
Then a flash of red lit up the room, and one of Link's fire arrows hit Wintyr. She shouted a few curses, and then pulled the arrow out of her and threw it to the ground.  
"YOU WILL DIE!" she screamed.  
"I don't think so!" Yumi giggled from over my shoulder.  
I blasted her again with the Black Dagger.  
"AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!" she shrieked. We were really making her angry!  
Dark Wintyr was definitely not happy. "COLD MAIDEN!"   
Three swirls of frost appeared on the floor, and three women made out of ice appeared with mini-scythes, racing around the room and trying to kill us.  
"WATCH OUT!" Yumi screamed, pushing me as one of the ice women rushed past.  
A few minutes later, the ice women, unsuccessful in their attack attempts dropped to the floor and melted.  
Dark Wintyr was REALLY ticked. "YOU WILL DIE!" she screamed.  
"Wintyr, stop it! Don't you remember us?" I cried.  
"YOU WILL DIE!"  
"We've had enough of this!" Link added from the other side of the room.  
"YOU WILL DIE!"  
"You said that already!" I yelled.  
"YOU WILL DIE!"  
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL DIE ALREADY! Er, I mean, YOU WILL DIE!" Yumi shrieked.   
Dark Wintyr tightened her grip on the scythe, and a misty cloud of white and blue surrounded her.  
"YOU WILL DIE!" she shouted again. "FROST CLOUD!"  
Then she screamed, and the cloud spread out all over the room like a wave.   
Yumi and Link were right behind me, running away from the cloud. Suddenly, I heard Link shout out in frustration, and a half turn of my head told me the cloud had caught up with him.  
EVERYTHING BELOW HIS CHEST WAS FROZEN SOLID IN A CHUNK OF ICE!  
"GAAAH!" he screamed. "RUN!"  
Yumi gasped and pushed against the back of my head. Suddenly, I heard her gasp too, and then a little clunk as my poor half-frozen fairy hit the floor.  
The cloud was heading straight for me!  
Instinct told me what to do.  
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I went sailing through the air and tucked myself into a ball.  
BANG!  
Heyyyy, where did that wall come from?  
I braced for the big chunk o' ice, but nothing happened.  
I raised my head and saw the cloud just drifting uselessly over my head. Oh, of course! I was a Goron! Gorons were very used to very cold and very hot weather. HAHA, stupid Dark Wintyr!  
Hey, where had Wintyr gone, anyway?  
Then I remembered my fallen comrades. I got up and bravely ran the direction I had come from, stopping when I heard Dark Wintyr's voice.  
"You thought that you could escape from me? HA! Now you shall pay the ultimate price for trespassing in Mistress's temple!"  
BLACK DAGGER TIME!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I took careful aim, and fired the emotion wave just as Dark Wintyr was preparing to kill Link and Yumi with another barrage of icy feathers.  
"AGGGGHHHHH!" she screamed in agony. "NOOOOOOO!"  
"YEEEEEES!" I laughed back.   
Wintyr remained in the air, stunned, and definitely weak-looking. "INNOCENCE MEDALLION POWER!"  
The familiar yellow-orange glow I had come to know shot out of the medallion and surrounded Dark Wintyr, who was slowly descending.  
"NOOOOO!" she screamed. "NOOOOOOO! I'M MELTING! OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD!"  
Coeur de Glace would certainly pay for all those dumb cliches she had forced Wintyr to say.  
By the time the glow faded, Wintyr was standing on solid ground. The chain on her wrist faded and then disintegrated into dust. She gave a little cry and collapsed to the floor.   
A great amount of steam began to rise up from the floor, and every single piece of ice in the room melted. Yumi and Link stood up, freed from their cold prisons.  
"You did it, Doseki! Great!" Yumi laughed.  
"Wow, Doseki. You're really getting good at this!" Link added.  
The steam was getting thicker, and we could hardly see in front of us.   
"Woo, it's like a sauna in here!" Yumi sighed.  
When the steam faded, we weren't surprised to find Wintyr gone and a treasure chest on the floor where she had been.  
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE EMOTION KEY! THIS CRYSTAL KEY HAS A HEART WITH WINGS ON THE END OF IT, AND SERVES AS THE BOSS KEY FOR THE EMOTION TEMPLE. YOU RECEIVED IT WHEN YOU DEFEATED DARK WINTYR, BUT I'M SURE YOU REMEMBERED THAT ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT ME TELLING YOU...  
  
OH YEAH... AND LINK AND YUMI FOUND THE COMPASS EARLIER. THEY USED IT TO CHUCK AT SADNESS SHINIINORU TO STOP HER FROM USING HER POWER ON DOSEKI. AND YOU THOUGHT THE COMPASS WAS JUST A USELESS NAVIGATION ITEM, HUH? YEAH, SO WHAT IF THEY DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE? MY CONTRACT CLEARLY STATES THAT I READ FIVE, COUNT THEM FIVE OF THESE EXPLANITORY THINGS EVERY TEMPLE! AND I GOTTA READ THEM CAUSE READING GETS ME MY TOLL. AND A TOLL IS A ROLL. AND IF I DON'T READ TO GET NO TOLLS, THEN I DON'T GET TO EAT NO ROLLS.  
  
The steam was gone. The ice was gone too. The room looked identical to the other four Emotion Rooms, except for the huge door that had been revealed in the back.  
"Don't worry, Wintyr!" I said triumphantly. "We're coming to save you!"  
"AND Crash and Saridaru. Oh, excuse me, Niko and Mika!" Link added.  
"Watch out, Coeur de Glace! We're coming to kick your Coeur de @$$!" Yumi laughed.  
"Hey Yumi, watch the language!" I scolded.  
"Oh. Hee hee, sorry. Just caught up in the moment," she giggled, as the three of us headed for the big, ominous looking door in the back of the room.  
  
A wide, round, cathedral-like room sat behind the door we had just walked through. A large throne made of ice sat in the center of the room, and misty fog was hanging in the air.  
"All right, where is she?" Link demanded.  
We heard a sinister high-pitched laugh ring out and echo across the room. "Well, well, well... look who's come to save the day!"   
Link and I spun around frantically, searching for the Ice Witch. All we could see was the door slamming and locking behind us.  
"You have been very courageous to make it all the way through my temple! But I have no regrets in informing you that you'll never leave this room alive!"  
"What makes you so sure?" Yumi shouted.  
"The last three intruders in my temple had their spirits broken by my Shiniinoru, and now they belong to me! They could not save themselves from my power, and you will not be the first ones to do so!"  
"Show yourself, you coward!" Link shouted.  
All the fog around the room began to swirl, and it all moved in towards the throne of ice. The fog slowly began to take on the shape of a woman, and someone who could ONLY be Coeur de Glace appeared in the throne.  
Her hair was as black as the ice that formed on asphalt in the winter (you know, the kind you always slip on and land on your butt with?), and it flowed all the way down to her waist. She wore a skimpy gown that had colors on it from white to blue to really, really black, and it had icicles and frost patterns all over it. Her eyes were another shade of blue, and if it weren't for the evil look in them, she would have appeared to be a beautiful woman.   
"My master will be very pleased when I present your frozen carcasses to him! Prepare to die, you weaklings!"   
  
COEUR DE GLACE: SENTIMENT EMOTION SORCERESS  
  
Coeur de Glace waved her hands, and seconds later, she was hovering in the air. With a snap of her fingers, the throne melted and disappeared, and she held out both hands.  
"Recognize THEM?" she hissed.   
Three cards, that's right! CARDS! As in playing cards. Only they were made out of ice. Anyway, three cards appeared near her hands. On one card was an image of Saridaru-Chan, in her regular form. On another was Mister Crash. And the third card was an image of Wintyr!  
"Servants of Coeur de Glace, destroy these impudent intruders!" she barked.   
And then she threw all three cards on the ground. They shattered, and three ghostly figures appeared.  
The Saridaru ghost looked straight at me, made a horrible moan, and started to chase me around the room.  
"AIEEEEEE!" I squealed.   
The Crash ghost quickly searched out Yumi, and the Wintyr ghost went after Link.  
"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!" I shrieked at the Saridaru ghost. "YUMI, WHAT DO WE DOOOO?"  
She raced to my side and yelled out commands as we ran. "The ghosts are the spirits of the people Coeur de Glace has cursed! They're not the ones we need to be aiming for, Coeur de Glace is the bad guy here!"  
"But if we stop, they'll get us!" I replied, ducking under the Wintyr ghost.   
"Doseki! Listen up!" Yumi cried. "Think about it! How did the first Shiniinoru plan on getting rid of us?"  
"By scaring us and then taking over our brains!"  
"Oy... How did the spiders convince you and Link it was safe to come down   
when they got me?"  
"Uh... they imitated your voice?"  
"D'OH! OK, bad example on my part... AHA! How did Fear Shiniinoru almost kill you?"  
"Drowning me in fake water?"  
"NOOOO! What's the name of the TEMPLE, Doseki?"  
"The Emotion Temple?"  
"RIGHT! And what was the name of that Shiniinoru?"  
"Fear?"  
"Exactly! And what's your biggest fear in the world?"  
"Water?"  
"Correct! Are you seeing a connection here?"  
"Nope."  
"UGH! The monsters in this temple have no real physical strengths, so they kill their victims by playing with their EMOTIONS! I wasn't really sad, and Link wasn't jealous or angry! The Shiniinoru made him THINK THAT!"  
"Oh! But... what does that have to do with Coeur de Glace?"  
"THINK! Coeur de Glace is doing the same thing with the ghosts that Fear did with the water! She's trying to play with our fear of the ghosts, distracting us from herself so that she can kill us! The other three Shiniinoru were using our Emotions like Sadness and Jealousy to distract us from what was going on, so that they could kill us!"  
"OH YEAH!" I cried, snapping my fingers.  
"The ghosts can't hurt us at all! In fact, I doubt they're even real ghosts. This fight isn't with the ghosts, it's with Coeur de Glace! SO ATTACK!"  
"WITH WHAT?"  
"Her weaknesses are fire and the Black Dagger!"   
"Right!" I nodded.  
Drawing the Black Dagger, I pointed it straight at Coeur de Glace and yelled, "WATCH OUT, YOU EVIL THING! I'M GONNA GET YOU!"  
Coeur de Glace stared at me with a look as cold as her temple. Then, she held out one hand and fired a blast of ice straight at me.  
"RUN!" Yumi screamed.  
She didn't have to tell me twice! I leaped out of the way, and the ice hit the ground.  
But when it hit, the ice strangely started to glow! "What's up with that ice, Yumi?" I asked.  
"It's not normal ice... if you're frozen in that ice, it has the same effect on you as a Shiniinoru. You'll be so caught up with your Emotions, it'll be too late to know what's going on and Coeur de Glace will have already cursed you! Now keep going, I gotta go tell Link what I told you!" she said quickly, speeding off.  
Coeur de Glace realized that her ghosts were not going to work on us, so she waved her hands and the three cards reappeared in her hands.  
"You wanna do this the hard way then? FINE!" She fired another ice beam right at me, and I dodged it.   
"Leave me alone!" I yelled. I tried to fire the Dagger again, but Coeur de Glace was too fast! She was firing beams left and right and all over.  
"She's too fast!" I yelled to Link.  
"I'll try and stun her, you get ready!" Link cried.  
With the Black Dagger on hand, I continued dodging beam after beam and waiting for the right moment.   
Coeur de Glace was staring right at me, preparing a great big blast of evil ice, when I saw Link sneak up right behind her with one of his fire arrows all ready to go.  
Just before she fired it, Link let the arrow fly and it hit Coeur de Glace right in the back!  
"AAAAGGGGGGGGHHH!" she screamed angrily.   
"GET'ER, DOSEKI!" Link yelled.  
I fired the Black Dagger, and it hit the already hurting Coeur de Glace. She screamed and dropped to one knee.  
"You da man, Link!" I grinned.  
"It'll take more than that!" Yumi said sternly.  
She was absolutely right. Coeur de Glace stood up and started firing beams all over again.  
"YIKES!" I whistled, stepping out of the way of another blast of ice.  
"Ready?" called Link.  
"Aimed!" I called back, pointing at Coeur de Glace.  
"FIRE!" Yumi screamed.  
Link shot another fire arrow at the Ice Sorceress, and she screamed in pain. Then I blasted her yet again with the Black Dagger.  
A few more rounds of that went by, until Coeur de Glace began to glow a creepy shade of blue.  
"Blazing ice, the night it burns! Freezing souls many a turn! Seek your prey, O ice of night! Blazing ice, your evil bright!" she screamed.   
"OH CRAP!" Yumi shrieked.  
"WHAT?" Link and I both gasped at once.  
"Quick! You both need to shield yourselves!" she yelled.  
The blue glow began to get bigger and bigger.   
"WITH WHAT?" we both gasped.  
"ANYTHING! WHATEVER! But if that ice hits you, you're history!"   
We frantically searched our pockets for some kind of a magic shield, and the glow got bigger and bigger and bigger...   
"AHA!" Link grinned, taking the Mirror Shield off of his back. "OK Doseki, get behind me!"  
"But Link..." I protested, as he pulled me behind him.  
Three small beams of ice began to grow out of the glow and seconds later...  
PWOOO! PWOOO! PWOOO!  
The three beams fired out of the glow and right at us!  
"AGGHHH!" I shrieked, stepping back.   
Link smirked and held up his shield. BANG! BANG! BANG!  
The ice beams were gone!  
Huh?  
Then I noticed Link's shield was GLOWING BLUE!  
"Watch this," he smiled.   
PWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
One great big thing of ice beam fired out at Coeur de Glace.  
"WHAT? WHAT IS THIS?"  
CHINK!   
Coeur de Glace was frozen solid in a dome of her own ice!  
We could see her screaming and beating the sides of the wall in frustration.   
"She's all yours, Doseki." Link said, stepping out of the way.  
I fired the Black Dagger straight at the evil ice witch. The energy from the dagger was slowly absorbed into the ice wall, and Coeur de Glace was shrieking in anger and fear when she saw the whiteness getting closer to her.  
Suddenly... BANG!  
The whole ice wall exploded into smithereens, and Coeur de Glace was nowhere to be seen!  
"Where'd she go? Did we kill her?" I asked.  
"She's not dead... she's still here, somewhere..." Yumi said sternly.  
"But, we saw her blow up!" Link said, dismayed. "How could she still be alive?"  
That's when I saw the icy hand reach out of the wall behind Link.  
"MOVE!" I screamed.   
He turned around. "NYAAAAAAAAAA!" he gasped.  
POW! I zapped the hand with another blast from the Black Dagger.  
The hand quickly pulled itself back into the wall, and then something really scary happened.  
A great big form of Coeur de Glace's torso reached through the wall. Her head, her arms, and her chest were all reaching out of the wall, attempting to get us.  
"Coeur de Glace has made herself part of the wall! AIM FOR THE CHEST!" Yumi cried.  
I zapped the figure with the Black Dagger, and apparently, that's all it took.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" it screamed in rage. The figure's chest began to glow, and it slowly moved itself back into the wall where it belonged.  
Only one thing remained outside of the wall. It was a heart made out of ice. A black one, at that.  
It silently dropped to the floor, and Link crushed it with his foot.  
All the evil ice in the room melted into a puddle, and a blue warp portal appeared where the throne had once been.  
"WOOHOOOO! We did it!" I cheered.  
"Another Temple is over with!" Yumi cried.  
"ONLY ONE MORE TO GO BEFORE WE CAN GO HOME!" Link yelled.  
"And..." Yumi said, checking the tiny watch on her wrist, "Only two days to do it in!"  
  
**WELCOME BACK, BOYS. MAN, I WAS STARTING TO THINK YOU'D NEVER GET OUT OF THAT TEMPLE!**  
  
"Hey, Destiny. Of course we were going to get out!" I laughed, holding up the medallion. "I've had enough of this body for now."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link groaned. "I hope I never see another Shiniinoru as long as I live..."  
  
**SEEING AS THEY ALL LIVE IN THE EMOTION TEMPLE, I DON'T THINK YOU WILL!**   
  
"Good!" Yumi said. "It seemed like we were in there for days!"   
"Weeks!" Link sighed.  
"MONTHS!" I wailed.  
  
**OH, I'M SORRY. WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE CHEESE WITH THAT WHINE?**  
  
"If it's not too much trouble," I murmured, as four Author Sage seals began to glow. "I am pretty hungry!"  
  
**I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, LITTLE LINK. I DON'T HAVE ANY CHEESE.*  
  
"Oh," I said.  
Four poofs later, GG, Chica, Jigglypuff, and Zel were all standing in their proper places.   
"HEYYYY! Great job, you guys!" Zel cheered.  
"I couldn't have done better myself," Jigglypuff grinned.  
"We know," GG said slyly.  
Jigglypuff threw her a Look.  
"They've been at it all day," Zel groaned, pointing to GG and Jigglypuff.   
"It all started when I creamed her at DDR!" Jigglypuff laughed.  
"You're the SAGE of DDR! Of course you creamed me!" GG protested. "Now if we were to compete at, say... moving large chunks of rubble, I would mop the floor with you!"  
"No fair using superpowers," Jigglypuff retorted.  
"Well jeez boy, you must have superpowers to move your feet that fast!" she said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, you guys did great. Destiny told us about the Shiniinoru and everything, LL. Are you all right?"  
"Never better!" I assured her.  
  
**CUT THE CHIT-CHAT, BOYS AND GIRLS. WE NEED TO INTRODUCE THE NEWEST SAGE. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, I GIVE YOU... WINTYR, THE AUTHOR SAGE OF EMOTION!**  
  
The white circle next to Zel's began to glow, and Wintyr, back to her nice, NORMAL self rose into the area.  
"Wow..." she said in awe, dusting off her shirt. "What a trip that was!"   
"HI Wintyr!" I grinned.  
"HI LL! HI Link!" she replied. "Hey, thanks a million for saving me, you guys. I'm sure Kafei thanks you too. And Crash and Saridaru. Well, er, they would thank you if they knew who you were."  
"Puh," Link snorted.  
Wintyr shrugged, and had a look around the Chamber. "So, this is what being a Sage is like, huh? Crazy. Woo... All I know is, I'm glad to be out of that stupid ice room and in here where I can help you guys save Hyrule!"  
"That's sweet!" Yumi cooed.  
Wintyr stared at Yumi a minute. "What...?"  
Zel nudged her. "You know."  
"Oh yeah, right. Well anyway... Um, thanks again for rescuing me, and I guess this is what I owe you."  
Wintyr cleared her throat, took a step off of her circle, and walked up to Link.  
"Thank you," she said quietly. Then she did something totally unexpected.  
She grabbed Link's head in her hands, and KISSED HIM! RIGHT ON THE LIPS! RUTO-STYLE!  
Link was gagging and choking, and his eyes were popping out of his head.   
The other Sages were cracking up. Badly. I mean really, GG and Zel were on the floor almost in tears, laughing their butts off.  
Finally, Wintyr finished. "MWWWWWWWWAAAAA!"  
Link pulled away and screamed. "GOOD GRIEF! WHAT THE HE## WAS THAT FOR? BLEAH! BLEAH! POOIE!"  
Wintyr started laughing and stepped back over to her circle. "Ya know, I AM the Bishounen Hunter..."  
After he finished gagging and spitting all over, he stood up straight and tried to look dignified. "Um... thank you, Wintyr... Uh, it was... very... nice of you to express your feelings that way and I hope... hope that you'll... maybe... try again???"  
Wintyr's eyes popped out this time. "HEY BUDDY! You may be cute, but KAFEI is still my boyfriend!"  
"Sorry," he blushed.  
Wintyr laughed and turned to me.  
"Hey now!" GG warned. "He's taken, girlfriend."  
"Hey, hey, calm down. I'm giving them what they REALLY need from me!" she said.  
"Another kiss?" asked Link dreamily.  
Yumi smacked him.  
Wintyr raised her hands and a white medallion marked with the pattern of a heart with a pair of wings tumbled down from the ceiling.   
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI GOT THE EMOTION MEDALLION! WINTYR AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION FOR A WHILE! YOU KNOW THE DRILL WITH THE WHOLE "CALL THE AUTHOR GET SOME HELP" DEAL, RIGHT? GOOD. I AIN'T EXPLANING IT AGAIN.  
  
**ONLY ONE TEMPLE LEFT TO GO, BOYS. I'M REALLY PROUD THAT I PICKED YOU TWO TO DO THIS! HEH HEH, AT LEAST I GOT THIS ONE RIGHT...**  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Wintyr.  
"Hey, yeah?" Chica added.  
"You mean you've messed up before?" Zel and Jigglypuff gasped.  
"You're joking, right?" GG stuttered.  
  
**HEY, A CREEPY TELEPATHIC VOICE IS ENTITLED TO A FEW MISTAKES EVERY NOW AND THEN...**  
  
"WHAT'D YOU DO? WHAT'D YOU DO?" chanted the Sages.  
  
**I'D PREFER NOT TO TALK ABOUT IT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. MAYBE I'LL TELL YOU LATER. OK, ANYWAY, HERE'S THE CLUE TO THE FINAL TEMPLE!  
  
WHEN TIME ITSELF CEASES TO EXIST  
THE HIDDEN PATH IS NO LONGER SHROUDED IN MIST  
YOU'LL FIND THEM ALONE, IT'S THEIR DESTINY  
THE SILENCE OF THE WOODS IS THE HIDDEN KEY**  
  
"Very poetical," Yumi sighed.  
"The woods? We're going to Kokiri Forest!" Link laughed. "Hey, I can stop by my house for a shower and a shave!"  
"Yeah, you need one!" I joked.  
The Sages all burst out laughing, and GG shook her head. "He must get it from me."  
  
**YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO CUTE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, MISTER. HEH HEH HEH, BUT WAY TO INSULT LINK!**  
  
"Aw, hush up, Destiny..." Link muttered.  
  
**WATCH THE TONE, BUB.**  
  
"Sorry," he said quickly.  
  
**NOW I'M RETURNING YOU TWO TO KAKARIKO VILLAGE. IT'S ABOUT... 3 AM. YOU ONLY HAVE TWO DAYS TO FIND AND AWAKEN THE NEXT SAGE, SO KEEP MOVING!**  
  
"Wouldn't it save time if you just dropped them off in Kokiri Forest?" Wintyr asked.  
  
**I CAN'T MAKE IT TOO EASY, CAN I?**  
  
"Hey, is the next Sage going to be a boy? I'm already outnumbered!" Jigglypuff whined.  
  
**MAAAAAAYYYYYBE.**  
  
He sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
**NOW COME ON, SCOOT YOU TWO! GET MOVING! SCOOT!**  
  
Another warp portal appeared around the three of us, and we watched the Sages and the Chamber gradually fade away.  
"See ya round, guys!" Wintyr called.  
"Bye-bye," Jigglypuff added.  
"Fare thee well!" said Zel.  
"Ja ne!" Chica grinned.  
"Ciaoza," GG smiled. "Bye, LL."  
  
As we raised out of the Chamber, Link was muttering something to himself.  
"Not a Zora... she's not a Zora... that's good... she's pretty cute... heh heh heh... Oh, she wants me..."  
"Ew, stop it Link!" I said.  
"Hey, give me a break LL! That was my first kiss NOT from Ruto."  
Yumi burst out laughing hysterically, and I joined her.  
Link frowned. "Yeha, laugh if you want... if it weren't for me, you'd be a drowned rat on the floor, LL..."  
"Aw, we just tease you cause we like ya!" Yumi laughed.  
We were silent as the crystal began to fade, and then Yumi asked, "Hey Link... was there any tongue?"  
"CHANGE OF SUBJECT!" he said quickly.  
  
"Hey Wintyr... you like DDR?" asked Jigglypuff sneakily.  
"Me? I don't know."  
"Well why don't we..."  
"NO, JIGGLYPUFF!"  
"Why not?"  
"Because we've done nothing but play DDR the last few days!"  
"What, GG? Afraid you'll lose again?"  
"I AM NOT!"  
"And besides, we went to the Randomness Room yesterday!"   
"... Where you wished for a DDR machine."  
"So? What's the matter with that, Zel?"   
"I know. Why don't we head for the Randomness Room?"  
"We've been there the last whole day!"  
"Yeah, and what would we do there, Wintyr?"  
"Well Chica, I've got a craving for Ben & Jerry's, a big screen TV, and the entire collection of both the Legend of Zelda cartoon series, and Mystery Science Theater 3000."  
"OOOH! BEN & JERRY'S? COUNT ME IN!" GG cooed.  
"Me too!"  
"Me three!"  
"Me four!"  
  
  
  
Yikes, now there's one temple that our heroes have gotta be glad to be finished with! Only one more temple to go, and it looks like it'll be back at Kokiri Forest. After Galaxy, Energy, DDR, Randomness and Emotion, what kind of wacko temple will fill out the Author Sage Temples? Who could possibly be nutty enough to be the Sage? And I'm sure we're all wondering who the heck could be causing this virus...  
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter of SOIS:  
  
LINK'S HOMECOMING  
  
-or-  
  
IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WOOD!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	14. It's A Mad, Mad, Mad WOOD!

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
By Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WOOD!  
  
Disclaimer: Welcome to the story, everyone. All LOZ characters, names, places, and crap like that do not belong to me. The characters of Galaxy Girl, Doseki and Blue Butterfly, as well as the seven extra temples and this fan fic DO belong to me. Please ask before using them, or I'll have to pop you one. All authors mentioned within this fic appear strictly for comedy effect, and I don't have anything against any of you. I'm NOT making fun of you, I'm NOT infringing on anything, so please don't take offense at what your character may do...  
  
  
  
Greetings, oh faithful readers! It is I, Little Link of the Gorons, here to update you on what happened last time in case you forgot. Link, Yumi, and myself entered the dark and mysterious Emotion Temple to rescue Wintyr and the two author Poes, Mister Crash and Saridaru-Chan. Inside, we found these creepy sorceresses called Shiniinoru that could control your emotions! After a rough battle with Dark Wintyr and an even rougher one with the ice witch Coeur de Glace, we hightailed it to the Chamber of Sages where Wintyr awakened as the fifth sage. ONLY ONE MORE TO GO! But that's not as easy as it sounds...  
  
  
The warp portal faded just above the hill next to the windmill, and the three of us lowered slowly to the ground.  
Er, two of us did, at least.  
"AAAAAGGGHHHHH!" SPLAT!   
"Jeez LL, slow down! You're going to kill yourself!" Link laughed.   
"That's what you get for wanting to get on the ground so much," Yumi said, shaking her head.  
"OW... I've had enough falling for one lifetime now, please..."   
  
"Come on you two. We have to get to Kokiri Forest by sunrise, at least." Link said, walking down a flight of stairs to the bottom part of the village.  
"Huh? But Link, can we PLEASE have a nap first?" I asked pathetically. "I'm so tired I could drop!"  
"Me too!" Yumi whined.  
"Sorry guys, but we just don't have the time right now!" Link said sternly. "When we get to Kokiri Forest, maybe we can all have a little nap at my house, but right now we have to get going!"   
Yumi and I sighed sadly, and followed him through the town square as quietly as we could.  
The moon was high overhead the sleepy village of Kakariko, and all the townspeople  
as well as the psycho authors were sound asleep.  
That is, except for the ones that jumped out and scared us, right about... NOW!  
"Link! Little Link!" two voices shouted out at the same time.  
"AAAIEEEEEEE!" I shrieked.  
We spun around, and saw none other than Mister Crash and Saridaru, back in their NORMAL forms! Well uh, not really normal...they weren't Poes anymore, I should say.  
"Cra- I mean, Niko and Mika! Are you guys all right?" asked Link.  
"Never better!" Crash, er, Niko said happily  
"You saved our butts!" Saridaru... um, Mika grinned. "Thank you SO much!"  
"It was part of our job!" I said triumphantly.  
"It was so nice of you two take time out of your more than likely busy schedules to kill Coeur de Glace and save us!" Niko said. "That's really great!"  
"We'd like to show you our appreciation by presenting you with this!" Mika said, holding out something.  
It was a brand new, bright and shiny, beautiful leather... DOG LEASH?  
"Um... what's that?" asked Yumi.  
"It's a dog leash. Don't you remember? Niko and Mika's Potion and Dog Leash Company?" Niko asked.  
"Um... well gee, thanks guys..." Link stammered. "But we don't... have a dog."  
"So use it for something else!" Mika cried.  
"Yeah, that model also doubles as a sister silencer!" Niko snickered wickedly.  
"Shut up!" Mika snapped.  
"Neither of us have sisters, either." I said.   
"Oh. Well then, I'm sure you'll find something to do with it." Niko shrugged.  
We stood in awkward silence for a minute, then Mika said quickly, "So thanks again, and I'm sure you're in a hurry, so we'll leave you alone..."  
"Thanks. And it's no problem," Link said.  
"For all your dog leash and potion needs, call Niko and Mika's Potion and Dog Leash Company!" Niko grinned.  
"Hey wait a sec! Since when is it NIKO and MIKA? I thought it was MIKA and NIKO!" Mika protested.  
"No way! It's always been NIKO and MIKA." Niko said matter-of-factly.  
"Liar! You changed the name behind my back, didn't you?"   
"Nu uh! Look, here's our business card!"   
"YOU CREEP! You changed the name AND the business card behind my back!"  
Their argument lasted long into the night, I imagine... but definitely as long as it took us to leave the village.  
  
Once we were on the field again, Link took out his Ocarina and turned towards the south. "Oh, LL, you might want to think about changing back now."  
"CHANGING!" I corrected him. "I'm already changed back. REMEMBER? This is the real me!"  
"Don't get so touchy," he said.  
"Well jeez, when you confuse my species, I think I have a reason to get a little..."  
"Shut up both of you. I'm tired and cranky and I WANNA GO HOME!" Yumi snapped. "And I'll be pushed in COW POO if I have to listen to you two argue anymore!"  
Surprisingly, Yumi can get pretty scary when she's angry.  
"Fine, fine. Innocence Medallion, transform..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link played the song he used to call his horse to call his horse.   
That was a little redundant, huh? Well anyway, Epona came galloping up to us and stopped. Link gave her a pat on the neck, and then hopped on. "Well come on. I'm tired too, but the sooner we get to Kokiri Forest, the sooner we can rest."  
I stepped into the stirrup and jumped up to get on the saddle, but I guess I jumped too hard because... I totally missed the saddle and did a face plant on the other side of Epona.  
SPLAT!  
"I thought I said no more falling..." I mumbled from my very uncomfortable position.  
"Ooh, ouch..." Yumi winced.  
"My goodness! What's the matter with you, Doseki?"  
"I told you I was tired..." I muttered.  
I stood up, dusted myself off, and tried again. This time I made it onto the horse in one piece.   
Link spurred Epona into a gallop, and we headed off to Kokiri Forest in the southeast.   
  
"Ah, the rolling field!" Yumi cooed. "The wideness! The openness! The... boringness!"  
"The sleepiness..." I added.  
"No, no, no! Stay awake! If you fall off this horse, you will be seriously injured." Link warned. "I'm serious. I've done it before. It hurts. Badly."   
"Like being kicked in the groin?" Yumi asked innocently.  
Link scowled. Or at least, I think he did. I was behind him. "Very cute, Yumi..."  
"I NEED SOME COFFEE!" I wailed. "I'M UP WAY PAST MY BEDTIME, WE HAVEN'T RESTED IN TWO DAYS, AND I NEED SOME COFFEE BADLY!"  
"Enough screaming. I'm going as fast as Epona can!" Link said.  
"Here, I'll help!" Yumi said triumphantly. Then she began to sing. "STAAAAAAY AWAKE! DON'T REEEEEST YOUR HEAD! DON'T CLOOOOOSE YOUR EYES! DON'T GOOOOO TO BED!"  
"Yumi, that's a LULLABY!" Link yelled. "What are you trying to do? Kill him?"  
"OK then, I have back up!" she said. "WE'RE MEN! WE'RE MEN IN TIGHTS! WE ROAM AROUND THE FOREST LOOKING FOR FIGHTS!"  
"I resent that song!" Link snapped.  
"Zzzzz..." I said.  
"WAKE UP!" Link and Yumi both screamed.  
"Uhhh... stop yelling, I can't sleep for all the noise..."  
"III'M HEN-A-RY THE EIGHTH I AM! HEN-A-RY THE EIGHTH I AM, I -" Yumi started to sing.  
"STOP THE SINGING! It's giving me a headache!" Link said. "Now Doseki, PLEASE! You have to stay awake! For your own sake!"  
"But I'm SOOOO TIRED!" I wailed.  
"What did I tell you? Wait five minutes, and we'll be at my house, and you can sleep... well, not all you want. But for a little bit."  
"I can't last that long," I groaned. "If I even blink, I'm going to fall asleep."  
"Yumi, hold his eyes open."  
"WHAT?" I gasped.  
"You heard me. NO FALLING ASLEEP ON THE HORSE!"   
Yumi landed on my head and pulled my eyes open. "No sleeping! You'll fall! Now stay awake!"  
"OW! A bug just flew in my eye!" I snapped. "Leggo, Yumi!"  
She let go.   
"Good... now I can sleep..."  
Yumi smacked me. "STOP IT! No sleeping!"   
She was holding my eyes open for a while, and then I screamed again. "OW! A BUG REALLY DID JUST FLY IN MY EYE!"  
"We can't do this anymore!" Link groaned. He stopped Epona on the road from Kokiri Forest to Lon-Lon Ranch.   
"Get off," he said.   
"Are we gonna walk?" I mumbled. "I don't wanna walk..."  
"We're not walking, we're doing what we should have done a long time ago..."  
He stole the bag with the Author Sage medallions from me, and pulled out the Galaxy Medallion. "She'll know what to do."  
When Galaxy Girl appeared, she was obviously not expecting company. She was asleep, in her own nice, warm, comfy bed... getting her Z's... drooling a little bit...  
"GG! WAKE UP!" Link and Yumi screamed.  
"GAH!" she screeched. "NO! YOU CAN'T GET ME GALATEAAAA... Uh?"   
She blinked twice, rubbed her eyes, and turned her alarm clock towards her.   
"Good morning, sweetie." Yumi said.  
"LINK! Do you have any freaking idea what time it is?" GG growled, obviously not happy to see him. "IT'S 3 FREAKIN' THIRTY IN THE MORNING!"   
That's right... GG is NOT a morning person at all... In her own words, there were two different GG's. The real GG, and the Morning GG, the "Irritable Haggy Wretch". Wake her up before she's ready, and you'll definitely wish you hadn't... once she has her coffee though, she's quite pleasant!  
"This is an emergency!" Link said. "We need some help."  
"Oh, well isn't that nice?" she snapped. "Well it's the wee hours of Friday morning, and I have school today. CALL ME UP SOMETIME WHEN I'M AWAKE!" Then she lay back down and rolled over.  
"No, GG! Wake up! It's Doseki!"  
She sat up again. "What?"  
"We need him to wake up!" Yumi said. "He's so tired he can't even move!"   
GG groaned, and threw off the covers. "OK, OK... It's all right, I'll help..."   
I was half-asleep, but I could see GG walking through the hallways of her house to the kitchen. She pulled a small black canister out of the cabinet and held it up.   
"Here. The solution to your problem," she said.   
"What is it?" I mumbled.  
"International Blends Orange Cappuccino Coffee Drink Mix," GG mumbled back. "Caffeine content: 300 grams a cup."   
"Wow, that's a lot of caffeine..." Yumi whistled.  
"Mix Dosek up a cuppa this stuff, and he'll be hopping around like a rabbit on stimulants..."   
"Um, are you sure it's a good idea?" asked Link warily. "You know him."  
"Well, I don't know... it's 3:30 in the morning, there's not much else I can do to help you..."  
"We'll take it!" Yumi and Link chimed.  
"But one problem. How do we get it here?" asked Yumi.  
"Here," said GG. She held up her hands, and the canister disappeared from her kitchen and it tumbled down to the ground an inch away from Link.   
"Here we are. Thank you, GG." Link said.  
But she didn't hear him. She had fallen asleep leaning against the counter.   
I could totally relate...  
"Sweet dreams, Sage of Galaxy..." Yumi smiled.  
"Baby mine, don't you cry..." I sang weakly. "Baby mine, dry your eye..."  
ZZZZZZZZZZZ...  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER...  
  
"Gee Link, whaddya know Link? I feel like a completely new person! I could run a marathon! I could climb Death Mountain in a span of ten seconds! I could lift a million bajillion quadrillion kabillion pounds! I could keep on talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking..."  
"Well, I suppose it's better than him falling asleep." Link shrugged.  
Who knew a little canister of brown powder could wake me up so good?  
"I don't need a nap, I don't need a nap, I don't need a nap!" I yammered.  
"That's great, Doseki... now stop screaming or you'll scare Epona and she'll throw us off."  
It was all I could do to try and shut up.  
The sun was just starting to come up. We were almost within the great big splotch of green that was the Kokiri Forest. A few trees dotted the borders of the forest and the field, and finally, we arrived at a big log tunnel.  
"Well, past this log is the forest!" Link said. He hopped off Epona, and I jumped off and crashed to the ground.   
"My goodness, calm down!" Yumi said.   
"I can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't can-"  
That was when Link smacked me.   
"Stop it! Get a hold of yourself, man!"   
"I... I feel better now... thank you..." I stuttered.   
"Good," Link said. "If you're going to be this hyper, turn into a Goron at least so we can still keep up with you."  
"I resent that remark," I mumbled.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sure enough, my Goron self was moving faster than I usually did, but I wasn't as high strung. I wonder how that happened...?   
"Good." Link said. "Now, both of you. There are a few things we need to get straight. 1. I am not really a Kokiri; I am a Hylian. Don't rub it in with my friends. 2. Don't ask them what I was like as a baby. 3. Don't do ANYTHING to the trees. That includes going to the bathroom."  
"EWWW! You sicko!" Yumi shrieked. "As if!"  
"Well jeez, I don't know how the two of you were brought up. 4. Don't make jokes about looking young for their age and 5. DO NOT GO INTO THE LOST WOODS unless I am with you! Got it?"  
"Got it," I said.   
"Sure, whatever." Yumi said.   
Suddenly, we heard a tortured scream, and a figure dressed in green stumbled out of the log tunnel.  
"EEEK!" I gasped.  
It was the author Omnisplash. He was dressed in clothes not unlike Link's, and when he noticed he was out of the forest, he started screaming.  
"AAGGGHHHH! EEEEEEH! IIIIIIIIEEEE! OOOOOHH! OOOOOOH!" he shrieked. Then he hit the ground and his eyes started bugging out. "OOH! AAH! I'M DYYYYYYYYYING! AGGGHHHH..."  
"Link... what's going on with him?" I asked worriedly.  
"He's... Oh no. He thinks he's a Kokiri... and Kokiri die if they leave the forest."  
"IS HE DYING?" gasped Yumi.  
"No, no, of course not. He's just... being very, very weird."  
Omnisplash let out a few more screams, and then he turned towards us. "C-c-come... closer!" he wheezed.  
We stepped in. "What is it?" I asked.  
"The horror... THE HORROR! THE FOREST IS DOOMED!" he hacked.   
"What are you talking about?" Link asked.   
"SKULL KID! THE SKULL KID! AGGGGGHHHHH, THE SKULL KID!" Omnisplash screamed.   
"What Skull Kid?" asked Yumi. "What are you yammering on about?"  
"HORROR! HOOOOOOORROR! AGGGGHHHHH... A TUNNEL! A BRIGHT TUNNEL!" Omnisplash wailed. Then, he croaked. Well, sort of.  
A few seconds later, he opened his left eye and looked around. "Am I dead yet?"  
"Forget him," Link said, rolling his eyes. "I hope the other authors who found their way here aren't that crazy."  
  
Link led us through the tunnel, and then across a bridge into another log tunnel.  
And finally, there we were! In Link's hometown, Kokiri Forest!   
Was it always this nuts?  
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" gasped Link.  
Authors! Tons of them, racing around like crazy!  
Lily Mucca-Chan Dragmire was skipping about with a little flute, singing very loudly, "TRA-LALAAAAAA! TRA-LALAAAAAAAA! I AM A KOKIRI! TRA-LALAAAAAAA! TRA-LALAAAAAAAAAA! BORN OF THE DEKU TREE!"  
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" shrieked a Kokiri boy, as Kesu ran after him.   
"WAIT! COME BACK! I JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU!" she screamed. "AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE FINE FOREST GOODS WE SELL AT TREE CO.!"  
The Blue Wizardess was waving around a stick and screaming, "BEWARE, KOKIRI! I AM THE FOREST WITCH, HERE TO GET YOU!"  
I don't think the Kokiri were very intimidated.   
Gullwhacker was dressed as a Skull Kid, standing on top of a log, dancing and screaming and singing, and trying to play a stick like a flute.  
"Wow... you come from a kooky town, Link." I commented.  
"This isn't how it's supposed to be at all!" he yelled. "What happened to the peace, the quiet, the... REGULAR KOKIRI?"  
Then I saw someone familiar to me. It was Galaxy Girl's little sister, Blue Butterfly 19!   
Only, she looked a LOT different than usual... BB was wearing Kokiri-like clothing and standing near a little pond-looking thing. She was standing next to a large sign holding what looked like a camera.   
"Look, Link! That's GG's little sister!" I said.  
"GENTLEMEEEEEN!" she shrieked, racing over to us. "And fairy! Welcome to Toki Kokiri's Really Cool Forest Picture Tour! Only 5 Rupees a piece!"  
"No thanks," Link said coolly.  
"Oh, come now! I can show you things in the forest that none of those OTHER photo tour people can show you... ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOU LOSER?" she yelled over to ChaosWeapon, across the little pond thingy. ChaosWeapon was also holding a sign and a camera. She stuck her tongue out at Blue Butterfly.  
"Tell you what, GEEEEEEENTLEMEN! I'll make you a special offer, how about... FREE?"  
"Um, no thanks, we're in a hurry!" I said.  
"OK then, I'll make it quick!" she screamed, grabbing Link by the collar and me by the arm.  
"HEY!" Link yelled.  
"Over here is a blade of grass! It's quite a lovely blade of grass, don't you think?" she cooed. Then she snapped 13 pictures of the blade of grass. "And here we have a rock! A beautiful, strong, tough rock!" Click, click, click, click went the camera.  
"Ah, look at this! It's a tree! Sure there are a lot of trees in the forest, but this one is spectacularly awesome!" 10 pictures of the tree.  
"Oops, out of film." BB said, quickly replacing it. "Come here, Goron Sir, stand in the light and shade my camera so the film doesn't get overexposed!" She grabbed me again, and yanked me so I was standing in the way of the sun.  
"HEY!" I cried. "Be careful!"  
BB pulled us over to a small house with a girl outside. "And here we have a lovely young Kokiri girl... this one has green hair! Isn't she lovely?" BB snapped a whole bunch of pictures of that girl.  
"Go away, Toki, or whatever you're calling yourself... LINK?" the girl gasped. She had bright green hair and wore a green dress with a green headband. Everything was green on her!  
"Saria!" Link yelled.   
Oh, of course! It was Saria, the Sage of the Forest and one of my dad's close friends. I knew Saria well too. She loved to come over on weekends and play checkers with Dad while I did her hair. I wondered if she would recognize me.  
Saria ran over and gave Link a big hug around the knees. Then... well, I'll TRY and tell you what they did next.  
They both turned around and bonked their butts, then high fived, low fived, twiddled their thumbs together, clapped and sang, "She sells seashells by the seashore" and then they both went, "woobywoobywoobywooby!"   
Then they both burst out laughing.  
Yumi and I raised our eyebrows.  
"My goodness Link, you said you would only be gone an hour or two!" Saria scolded. "We were worried sick about you!"  
"Sorry Saria, but I have to save the world again, with LL... OH! Hey, LL, Yumi, come over here!"  
I ran over. "Hi, Saria!" I grinned.  
"Hi, LL! Wait a sec... Oh yeah, Impa told me about you and the Sage of Innocence! That's really awesome! Welcome to the Sage family!" Saria grinned. "She said something about you had special powers now..."  
"I can turn into a human if I want to," I said.  
Saria's eye almost popped out. "Cool... I wonder if my medallion lets me turn into a Skull Kid or a Deku Scrub or something... cool!"  
"It's not as fun as it looks," I murmured. "By the way, I'm hungry. Do you mind?"  
"Not at all," Saria said.  
I picked up a rock next to Saria and snacked on it.  
"And I'm Yumi!" Yumi said.  
"Hi, Yumi. Link, what are you doing here? You should be looking for the Author Sages!"  
"The sixth one is here," Link said. "In the forest somewhere."  
"Oh. Well, take your pick!" Saria said, pointing at the dozens of authors. "The whole place is crawling with psycho authors! Mido is sick of them."  
"Oh, who cares about Mido, anyway?" Link grumbled.  
"EXCUSE ME, GEEEEEEENTLEMEN! The tour isn't over yet!" BB whined. "Come along, come along!"  
"Sorry Toki, we changed our minds!" Link said. "Hey look, there's a genuine Kokiri Leader coming out of that house over there! Why don't you go take his picture?"  
"MIDOOOOOOOOOOO!" BB squealed, and she ran across the village and started pestering that Mido guy.  
"This is absolutely insane!" Saria groaned. "It's getting crazier every day! And every once and a while, this guy'll show up and go crazy looking for someone."  
"Huh?" asked Link. "What guy?"  
"I don't know his name... but yesterday he came and said he'd be back. Why don't you wait around for a while, he'll show up."  
"Good idea," Link said.   
"But anyway... this whole business is really scaring me!" Saria said worriedly. "I mean, I have total faith in you two, but what if..."  
"Don't say that. LL and I will save everyone!" Link said triumphantly.  
"I wish I could help! But this one is for the Author Sages, not the normal Sages." Saria said sheepishly.   
"You already did help!" I said.  
"Yeah Saria, that's a really good start there with the guy. Now if only he would show up..."  
"Until the authors all come back to normal, all I really can do is watch them and make sure none of them hurt any of us or destroy anything important."  
"What has the Deku Sprout said?" asked Link.  
"Oh... Poor Sprout... there's a couple authors in his meadow pretending to be trees. He told me that he could see great danger coming if the Sixth Author Sage couldn't be found..."  
Before I could ask what a Deku Sprout was, BB ran up to us again, snapping pictures like crazy. "Oh yes! That will look lovely in my photo album!"   
Then she grabbed Link and me and pushed us off to one side. She snatched Yumi out of the air and stuck her on my shoulder. "OK you three, POSE!"  
"WHAT?" we said, as the camera went off.  
"SPLENDID! It's a beautiful thing!" BB screamed. "And again..." Click! "And smile this time!"   
I smiled and gave Yumi bunny ears.   
"OK, enough pictures..." Link begged.   
BB grinned and ran off to pester Blue Wizardess and Kesu.   
"Things have really gone downhill here..." Saria groaned.   
  
We followed Link to a cozy-looking tree house complete with rope ladder (which I climbed up veeeeery slowly) and a cow outside. A COW?  
"Yeah, I won it at Lon-Lon Ranch," he boasted.  
"Don't brag, Link. We all know the story about you and the big stupid horse thing." Saria groaned.  
Turns out, Link lived in a roomy little tree house that was fully furnished with the finest in wood furniture. Tables, chairs, a bed, and a big wooden cabinet.  
Link quickly shut the cabinet and locked it. "Heh heh heh... just some... things of mine..."  
"A big poster of Zelda?" I asked, pointing to it on the floor.  
"Oooh... Linky's got a cru-uuush! Linky's got a cru-uuuuush!" Saria giggled.  
Link scowled and shoved the poster into the cabinet. "You guys want something to eat or drink?"  
"You got any of those potato chip things?" asked Saria hopefully.  
"No thanks." Yumi said.  
"Nope. Only rocks and ice cream and rice pudding for me."  
Link rustled himself and Saria up a bag of chips I guess one of the authors had given to him a while ago, and settled down on his bed. "Ah, it's good to be home."  
"Good to have you home," Saria laughed.  
I flopped down in a chair. "You know, just when we don't think anything can get any weirder, we come here..."  
Yumi had other things on her mind, though. "Who do you think that guy Saria was talking about could have been?"  
"Ganondorf?" Link asked worriedly.  
"No, it's not him, don't worry." Saria reassured us. "It's a young man. Not a lot younger than you, Link."   
"Ah," he said. "An author?"  
"No, actually... it's a Termanian. He's looking for someone named Cerena."  
"DOKORU!" I gasped.  
"Who?" Link, Yumi and Saria all asked.  
"It's Dokoru!" I laughed. "I know him! The author Cerena Montanyu, he's her boyfriend. GG and Cerena are friends, so I talk to Dokoru all the time!"   
"He's a Termanian?" Link asked.  
"Well you know how people who get lost in the forest become Skull Kids?" I asked.  
"Yeah?" Saria and Link said.  
"Dokoru got lost in the woods and became a Skull Kid a long time ago. And then he had this big run in with an evil powered mask or something, and not long after that, he figured out a way to reverse the Curse of the Woods and turn himself human again for a little while."  
"SKULL KID!" Link said. "That's right, Dokoru is that little punk skull kid who turned me into a scrub!"  
"He's nice now, really!" I said. "He's so nice, he was my cheerleader in the annual Goron City Cliff Rolling Tournament last year!"  
Yumi burst out laughing.   
"Don't bring that up with him though..." I murmured.   
"Oh... Dokoru must be that guy who keeps coming into the forest... He keeps saying that the Kokiri must have put a curse on that Cerena girl and now she forgot who she is, and if we don't tell him where the real Cerena is, he'll pulverize every last one of us." Saria nodded.  
"Whew... what a temper." Yumi giggled.  
"We'll have to talk to Dokoru when he shows up again." I said. "Maybe he can help us find the Sage!"   
"Well, there's nothing we can do until we're all feeling a little less tired. Why don't we all have a nap or something?" Link suggested.  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I must be keeping you guys awake," Saria apologized. "Here, I'll go home and you guys can all have a nice nap."  
"Thanks for your help, Saria. And if Dokoru comes again, come and get us!" Link said.  
"No problem, buddy." Saria said as she climbed down the ladder in front of Link's house.  
  
I was in the middle of a dream about going to a live concert of the Rockheads.  
"WE LIKE ROCKS! ANY KIND OF ROCKS! WE EAT THEM ALL DAY LONG! IF YOU LIKE ROCKS! ANY KIND OF ROCKS! COME ON, AND SING IT ALONG!"  
That's when I heard someone calling my name.  
"LL! Hey, get up! You've napped long enough, Sleeping Beauty." It was Yumi. "Come on now! Wake up!"  
I woke up to see Link standing on his porch. "I think something's going on out there," he said. "We'd better go see."  
"Mmm... five more minutes, Dad..."  
"No, not five more minutes. Come on!"   
I reluctantly got up and joined Link and Yumi on the porch. We could vaguely see what was going on outside.  
A whole group of Kokiri, real and not real, was crowded around something.   
"Loser!"  
"Moron!"  
"Idiot!"  
"Weirdo!"  
"AAAHAHAHAHAAA!"  
"Stop it, leave me alone!" a high voice said.  
"Oh great. A Kokiri bully gang," Link snapped.   
"Who are they talking to?" Yumi asked.  
"I'm going down there." Link said.  
"Me too!" I said.  
I followed Link down the ladder. Veeeery slowly, I might add.  
He ran up to the group and pushed his way through. "Move it, guys!" he said.  
At the center of the group was a girl Kokiri on the ground. Hey wait a sec, that wasn't a Kokiri! It was Cerena!  
The author Cerena Montanyu... She wore a Kokiri-style dress, not unusual for her, and had lovely reddish orange hair that went down to her shoulders. She had been crying, it looked like.  
"Hey, what are you guys doing? Leave her alone!" Link yelled.  
"Jeez Link, it's just Siriana," one of the real Kokiri said.  
"I don't care who it is, leave her alone!" Link said.   
The Kokiri, all grumbling, dispersed away into the village.  
"Are you OK?" I asked Cerena. Or, Siriana as I guess she was called now.  
"Yes, thank you... I... I'm fine," she said. "Thank you very much..."  
Then she stood up and ran towards a log tunnel on top of a high hill.  
"Hey wait, come back here!" Link said.  
"I'm sorry!" she said, disappearing into the log tunnel.  
"Oh great," Link groaned. "What was that all about?"  
"Siriana's such a loser!" a voice said.  
We turned around and saw a Kokiri boy standing behind us.  
"What?"  
"She spends all her time writing stuff instead of playing or doing anything that a Kokiri is supposed to do. And Mido says he doesn't think she's a Kokiri at all!"  
"That's a mean reason to make fun of someone!" I said.  
"Well, she deserves it," the boy said.  
"You shut up. It's not nice to make fun of ANYONE! No matter what!" Yumi said.  
The boy shrugged and ran away. Link sighed and shook his head.  
"Stupid Kokiri... they were mean to me when I was a kid too."  
"Hmm." I said. "OH MAN! WAIT A SEC!" I screamed.  
"WHAT?" Link and Yumi gasped.  
"The clue said, 'You'll find them alone, it's their destiny: The silence of the woods is the hidden key!'"  
"ALONE? Like Siriana!" Yumi gasped.  
"Do you think Cerena might be the next Sage?" I asked.  
"I don't know, LL... but that's a very good point you made right there." Link murmured. "Come on. Just to be safe, we'd better follow her."  
  
We were heading for the Lost Woods, when a bunch of Kokiri, real and not-real raced up to Link, panting and gasping.  
"LINK! SAAAVE US!" they wailed.  
"From what?" he asked.  
Then we saw exactly what.  
Marching into the Kokiri Village was a young man a little older than I was, with long light brown hair that was strung wildly in a ponytail down his shoulders. He wore a rather raggedy looking set of clothes, with a chain for a belt. Hanging from the belt was a mask. A wooden mask, with a big nose and two eyeholes cut out.   
"IT'S THE SKULL THINGY!" shrieked a few of the Kokiri.  
"SAVE US!" they wailed.  
"It's Dokoru!" I said.   
Dokoru stomped into the center of the village and then screamed out, "LL RIGHT, ALL YOU LITTLE WIMPS! WHERE IS MY GIRLFRIEND?"  
"HELP!" the Kokiri screamed.  
"I TOLD YOU I WOULD TEAR THIS VILLAGE APART IF YOU DIDN'T RELEASE MY GIRLFRIEND FROM THE SPELL YOU'VE GOT HER UNDER! NOW COME ON! WHERE IS SHE?"  
"DOKORU!" I called, waving wildly.  
He turned in my direction, and raised his eyebrows. "Who are you?" he asked.  
"Um, it's me, LL. You know, that one guy whose name you always forget when you and Cerena are talking to Galaxy Girl?"   
"Oh yeah. That one guy," Dokoru shrugged. "Hey Link... heh heh heh... it's been a while, huh?"  
"Yes. I would say so." Link muttered.  
Dokoru ran over to us. "What are you two doing here? Looking for GG?"  
"No, we found her. We're looking for Cerena again," Yumi said.  
Dokoru eyed Yumi strangely and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Hey LL... does that fairy look a little... WEIRD to you?"  
"She's not a fairy, she's an author." I said.   
"Huh?"   
"It's a really long story. There's this virus, and it sucked all the Zelda authors from Fan Fiction.Net into Hyrule, and a few in Termina. They all lost their memories, and we had to go around and find six of them, who are the 'Author Sages.' So far, GG, Chica, Jigglypuff, Zel, and Wintyr have been awakened as Sages, but there's one more to find before tomorrow at midnight and we think Cerena might be it." Link explained.  
"You lost me at the bakery, buddy..." Dokoru murmured, scratching his head. "But did you say, 'looking for Cerena again?'"  
"We did. We just saw her. She thinks she's a Kokiri named Siriana, and we saw her run off into the Lost Woods." Yumi told him.  
By now, a whole bunch of Kokiri were attempting to sneak in quietly to get a good look at Dokoru. He noticed them, and yelled, "GRAAAR!"   
"EEEEEK!" shrieked the Kokiri, racing off again.   
"Who started the virus?" asked Dokoru.  
"We don't know, but it wasn't the Kokiri, you can stop terrorizing them now." Link chuckled.  
"Well gee, now I feel bad." Dokoru said. "They ARE pretty much family to me... Well, if Cerena has gone to the Lost Woods, I'm going too!"  
Dokoru pulled the mask off of his belt. "Are you coming?" he asked us.   
"Certainly," I said.   
Dokoru nodded and said, "I'm a little more agile this way."  
He slipped on the mask, and was surrounded by a greenish glow.   
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a little Skull Kid stood in Dokoru's place.   
"COME ON!" he said, backflipping up the ledges that led to the Woods.  
Link and Yumi easily followed him. I had a harder time.  
"Wait, wait, wait for me!" I cried.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I leaped up the first ledge and then was right behind Link as he followed Dokoru/Skull Kid into the log tunnel.  
  
"Stay close to us," Link and Skull Kid said.   
As soon as we entered the forest, a funny melody began to echo through the trees. I recognized it immediately as the Goron City Official Song of Happiness/Gladness/Joy/Good Stuff/ETC... SARIA'S SONG!   
"Doo dee doo, doo dee doo," I sang cheerfully.  
"Please don't dance," Link begged. "I've seen your dad dance to this one... Yeesh..."  
"Hey, don't make fun of the Official Dance of the Gorons!" I snapped.  
"Yeah Link, I love this song!" Skull Kid cried.  
We followed Skull Kid through a bunch of tunnels of logs and through a few clumps of trees, yelling all the way, "SIRIANA! SIRIANA!"  
"CERENA!" Skull Kid yelled.  
"She won't answer to that," Yumi said. "She thinks her name is Siriana."  
"Why does she think... oh. Oh, doiii."   
A few tree tunnels later, the music stopped.   
"Where did the music go?" I murmured.  
Suddenly, we heard a rustling in the bushes.  
"AGGGGGHHHHH! DANGER! MUST... RUN!" Skull Kid shrieked. He backflipped and disappeared.  
"HEY, COME BACK HERE!" Link cried.   
"What is that sound?" I wailed to Link.  
"It's only me," Sheik said, stepping out of a clump of bushes.  
  
"PHEW!" Yumi whistled. "You scared the living crap out of us, Sheik!"   
"Sorry," he said. "Just doing my job of eerily following you all over the place."   
"Hey Sheik... this is the last temple, and the last song, too. Is this the last time we'll see you?" I asked.  
"Probably not," Sheik said. "You see, it's my duty to help the Hero of Time as he travels. I'll see him again definitely. Now you, I'm not sure, Doseki."  
"Awww... but you're so nice!" I sighed.  
"We'll have to see. No use pouting about it now." Sheik said. Then he cleared his throat.   
"Well boys, this is it. The final temple song. This temple challenges you to see through the falsehoods of illusion..."  
"That's pretty redundant," Link chuckled.  
"WHO'S THE MYSTERIOUS ONE, HERE?" Sheik snapped. "AHEM! Now anyway, this temple will teach you to listen with your heart to find what is true and what is false. Because only when your heart can guide you through what is false will you truly be self-sufficient. Listen to this, the Ululation of Truth."  
"Fun name!" I grinned.  
Sheik rolled his eyes and pulled out the harp-thingy.   
  
_________^____________________^_______________  
_____________________________________________  
____________________________________________  
_____________________________________________  
__A________________________A___________________  
  
Link and I repeated it, and Sheik nodded. "Riiight. Finally, you get one right on your first try! Well, there you have it, the Ululation of Truth."  
"Since this is the last time you'll be showing up to help us, aren't you going to reveal some kind of crazy secret like you did in OoT?" Link asked. "Like, are you really a woman? Or are you and Impa the same person? Or... GASP! Or, are you really the voice of Destiny?"  
"No Link, I am not a woman, my aunt and I are two different people, and I am not the voice of Destiny." Sheik said, thoroughly annoyed. "I am a Sheikah man who enjoys appearing in random places, playing my harp, and selling hairbrushes and vacuum cleaners to make money on the side."  
"Really?" Link said, kind of disappointed. "Then how did Destiny tell you that you had to help us?"  
"How else would Destiny tell me? She called!" Sheik said.  
Link frowned. "OK, OK... maybe you're just a normal person this time... OH! But are you really like a reincarnated Sage of some sort? OH GOSH! RAURU! RAURU, IS THAT YOU?"  
"You're weird," Sheik said. "No, I'm not Rauru reincarnated. Or anybody reincarnated, for that matter. I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill Sheikah."  
"Then why do you wear a veil?" asked Link.  
"Hey, what's with the third degree? I didn't come here to help you so that you could interrogate me!"   
"OK then, take off your veil and I'll be convinced you're just an ordinary run-of-the-mill Sheikah." Link said slyly.  
"Hey, yeah!" Yumi giggled.  
"It's custom!" Sheik growled.  
"Then how come Impa doesn't wear one?" I asked.  
"Because... because... UGH! I don't know!" Sheik whined. "OK, OK, fine. You wanna know why I wear a veil? Here! SEE ME WITHOUT IT!"   
He angrily unwrapped the veil from around his face, and Link, Yumi and I all gasped.  
"HOLY SH..." Link gasped.  
"Wow... I didn't know you..."  
"Yeah, yeah, that was the point of the veil."  
"Why don't you put something on that?" I asked.  
"Because I have sensitive skin," Sheik replied.  
"Don't you think a visit to a dermatologist is in order?" Yumi asked.  
"I have one. I think he's a quack. Really."  
"Wow, I'm sorry Sheik."  
"It's all right. Just don't ask me to do it again!" he said, wrapping up his face again.  
"Thanks for all your help, Sheik." I said. "Do you want my phone number so we can talk?"  
"I know your phone number already," Sheik said.  
"Huh? How?"  
"Let's just say that I'm mysterious," he smiled.   
"Terribly mysterious!" Yumi said in awe.  
"Well, I'd best be going now. Good luck in the last temple, and remember: Save the final Sage, and save Hyrule!"  
"Thanks Sheik!" Link called.  
The Sheikah nodded a bow and threw one of his magic marble-y things, and he was gone.  
"What a cool guy!" I said.  
"I feel so bad for asking him to take off his veil..." Link murmured.  
"Hey, how were you supposed to know that he was stricken with the worst case of acne the world has ever known?" I shrugged.  
"He's mysterious, all right." Link said.  
"TERRIBLY mysterious!" Yumi said in awe.  
  
A few seconds later, Dokoru (still in his Skull Kid form) appeared right near us. "YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I found her!" he cried, dancing all around.  
"YOU DID?" we gasped. "WHERE?"  
"Over here, follow me!" he called. "I tried to show her who I was, but she doesn't remember me,"  
"Of course not!" Link said. "Oh... you didn't tell her who she really was, did you?"  
"Nope," he said. "I figured that would be a bad idea."  
Finally, we reached a small clearing surrounded by tall grass with a tree in the middle. Sitting on one branch of the tree was Cerena, or Siriana as she now went by.  
"I don't want to mess things up for you," Skull Kid said. "I'd better go... now that I know where she is, I'm not as worried."   
Then Dokoru/Skull Kid backflipped and vanished again.  
  
Siriana saw us coming. "OH! It's you... and another boy. I never really got a chance to thank you for helping me."   
"It's no problem," Link said. "I heard your name was Siriana."  
"Yes, it is. What are your names?" she asked.   
"I'm Link, and this is Doseki." Link said. "And this is Doseki's fairy, Yumi."  
"Hi," I said.  
"Greetings," Yumi nodded.  
"That's one reason why the others are so mean to me,' Siriana said sadly. "I don't seem to have a fairy,"   
"Neither do I," Link said, having a seat on a stump next to the tree. I sat on the ground, and Yumi was on my shoulder. "I grew up in this town, and I never had a fairy."  
"Really?" she asked. That comment seemed to cheer her up.  
"But it also turned out I wasn't a Kokiri," he added sheepishly.  
"Oh. Well, I wouldn't mind it if I wasn't a Kokiri at all. You may stay young forever, but it's not fair, us being trapped here all the time."  
"Ah," I said. I had never thought about it that way.  
  
This whole conversation kind of reminded me of something I had read in one of GG's books. There really is no such thing as truth. It all depends on your point of view.   
It was like... a swimming pool. To say it was big wouldn't necessarily be true. After all, if you were an elephant, it would be a rather small pool. If you were an ant it would be a gigantic ocean. If you were a human like GG or a Hylian like Link, it would be a refreshing place to cool off. And if you were a Goron, it would be a terribly dangerous trap.   
To everyone else, they might say the Kokiri were lucky to stay young forever. But to the Kokiri, they might think it was horrible that they would never get to grow up, they would never be able to leave and see things around them.  
  
Hey, wait a sec... what was I talking about before that again?  
Philosophy is good sometimes, but it always leaves me very confused.  
"Anyway, I don't care what the others say about me! I love to sit in this tree and write poems all day. It also makes me very shy, so I'm sorry I ran away like that." Siriana continued.  
"No problem," I said.  
"Hey, since we're kind of talking like friends now, let me ask you something. Do you know a crazy little Skull Kid who can turn himself into a human?" asked Siriana.  
"Nope." I said.  
"Never seen one," Link added.  
"He's right over... OOF!" Yumi began, but then put my finger over her mouth.  
"Oh. Well, he keeps on bothering me. CAD!" she snarled.  
This conversation was taking us nowhere.   
  
We soon discovered that Siriana wasn't as shy as she seemed. She asked Link for his opinions on shampoo brands, his favorite cereal, memorable conversations he had had, hypothetical questions, and whether he preferred pretzels or popcorn. I guess the poor little thing was so happy to meet someone who could relate to her, she kind of got sidetracked.  
"Well gee, Siriana. It's been a lovely chat, but we really must get going..." Link murmured.  
"Oh. I see. Thank you for talking to me. I'm so lonely all the time," she sighed.  
As Link stood up, his Ocarina tumbled down out of his pocket. He reached down to get it, but before he could, Siriana stood up in the tree.   
"What is that?" she asked.  
"An Ocarina." I answered.  
"Wow! Can you play it, Link?"  
"Well, sure," he said.  
"Ooh, sorry to bug you, but could I hear a few songs?" Siriana begged. "I love music."  
"I play drums!" I called to her.  
"Oh, great! Can I hear both of you?" she begged.  
I shrugged.   
  
A few songs turned into a bunch. Link ended up playing all the songs he knew, he was so proud of the compliments Siriana was giving him. He also played the Legato of Galaxy, the Etude of Energy, the Not-So-Ritardando of DDR, the Rhapsody of Randomness, AND the Monody of Emotion just so that I could accompany him on a few songs.  
"Any more?" she asked playfully.  
"Sorry, I don't think... OH! Hey, I know one more," Link said.   
He pulled out the Ocarina again and counted. I knew what song this was!  
We played the Ululation of Truth.   
  
"Oh wow! That's the best one yet!" Siriana cooed. "It's so beautiful!"  
Suddenly, something told us that THAT was the song we were supposed to play here...  
The entire forest began to shake. Birds fluttered out of the trees and all sorts of leaves were falling to the ground.   
And then, IT APPEARED! A great big doorway that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere! There was a big black rectangular space just floating there in the air. We could see a light purple and greenish frame around the doorway, and a strange glow from within.  
It was the Truth Temple!   
"OH MY GOSH!" Siriana gasped.  
"WOWEEE!" I cried.  
"OH COOL!" Yumi cooed.  
"Oh no..." Link muttered when he heard a voice from inside the temple.  
"I didn't know that it would be so close!" I told him.  
"Siriana, why don't you come down from that tree?" Link called, turning towards the tree. "Siriana? SIRIANA! OH CRAP!"  
Siriana was floating in mid air, her eyes glowing bright purple. She looked like a zombie!  
"Moo..." she murmured.  
"Siriana! CERENA!" I cried. "Wait! Come back!"  
The hypnotized author slowly began to float through the air.  
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" yelled Yumi.   
Oh, we knew where she was going.  
"Moo..." said Cerena again. "Moo... Moo..."   
And she disappeared into the inky blackness that led into the Truth Temple.  
  
"How come I knew that was going to happen?" I muttered.  
"We have to go save her!" Link cried. "Cerena IS the next Sage!"  
"Finally, you notice the pattern!" Yumi groaned. "After all those arguments!"  
"Yumi, I think there are a few more important things on hand!" Link snapped.  
"I know. But there's one thing that we need to figure out before we just rush in there!" Yumi said.  
"We don't have any time to lose! Come on, let's get in there and save Cerena!" Link cried.  
"Hey, wait!" I yelled at him. "Yumi's right!"  
"COME ON, YOU TWO!" Link yelled. "We don't have all day!"  
"Did you ever think about this, home-boy?" asked Yumi sarcastically.  
"Think about what?"  
Yumi and I rolled our eyes. Boy, when Link was feeling heroic his brain just went out the window.  
"Think about WHAT?" Link asked, a little impatient.  
"How are we supposed to even ENTER the temple?" Yumi asked arrogantly.  
"We jump!" Link said.  
Then he noticed that the doorway was at least 30 feet off the ground.  
"Oh..." he murmured. "We... HOOKSHOT!"  
"On what wood?" I asked. Even I knew that one.  
"Oh..." he murmured again. Then he joined Yumi and me in staring at the doorway far above from next to the tree.  
"How ARE we going to get in?"  
  
  
  
Yeah Link, how ARE you going to get in? Doseki's right about one thing... they're going to need some help to get in there. So the final Sage is revealed... but the boys may have one heck of a time trying to save her... Will they find a way inside? Does Dokoru need to start taking Rageaholics Anonymous courses again? Who is Sheik's dermatologist, and is he a quack, whoever he is? Can Gorons learn how to swim? What is the answer to 2x= x/p-q+r/25? AND WHO IN THE HOLY HECK IS CAUSING ALL THIS TROUBLE? ARE THESE QUESTIONS WAY TOO OBVIOUS? AGGGGGGGHHHHH!  
  
Anyway, find out the answers to a few of these questions next chapter of SOIS...  
  
TO TELL THE TRUTH  
  
-or-  
  
TRUTH, JUSTICE, JELLO, AND COWS!  
  



	15. Truth, Justice, Jello, and COWS!

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors   
By Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: TRUTH, JUSTICE, JELLO, AND COWS!   
  
Disclaimer: Let me put this simply. Me no own Zelda... Me no own Link, LL, Hyrule, and stuff... Me do own self, Blue Butterfly, Doseki, seven extra temples. You ask before you use. Me no mean make fun of authors in story. Me just try make you laugh.   
  
(A group of Termanian swamp monkeys appear next to GG's computer chair)   
  
Monkey: She speak our language!   
  
GG: Huh?   
  
Monkey 2: You be friend swamp monkeys brother goober poo poo!   
  
GG: AAGGGH!   
  
  
  
This is Goron News, and I'm your anchor-Goron, Little Link of the Gorons Darunia Flint Goron Jr. OK, just kidding. Anyway, last time on SOIS, we (very slowly) made our way to Kokiri Forest to find the sixth and final Author Sage. Instead, we found my girlfriend's little sister, Link's friend Saria, a bunch of mean Kokiri, Dokoru/Skull Kid, and the author Cerena who thought she was a lonely Kokiri named Siriana. When we last saw her, Cerena was glowing purple and floating through the air into the Truth Temple while saying "Moo..." Mysterious... TERRIBLY mysterious! Well, by the end of this chapter, we'll either have six Author Sages on out hands or we'll be dead. I guess we'll find out.   
  
  
  
We stood there in the clearing staring at the entrance to the temple far above our heads for quite a while, when Link finally put on his thinking cap and figured something out.   
"Wait! This is the... TRUTH Temple... so maybe we need to use the... LENS OF TRUTH!" he shouted.   
"It's worth a try," I shrugged.   
Link pulled out the little purple lens that had been so useful over the past six temples, and he held it up to his eye.   
"WHOA!" he said. "There's a big huge staircase that leads up to the door!"   
"Oh. Well, that was kind stupid of us," Yumi chuckled.   
Link took a few steps to be sure that the staircase really was there, and then he started racing up to the top. Then he turned around and saw me standing there.   
"Well, come on, Doseki. We don't have all day."   
"Um..."   
"What's um? It's just a staircase. Come on!"   
"It's invisible." I said calmly.   
"So?"   
"I can't see anything but the ground when I stand on it."   
"So?"   
"Hmmm... I seem to remember the last time I used a staircase... back in the Galaxy Temple, was it? Hmmm... I seem to recall... FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS AND BREAKING MY NOSE!" I shrieked.   
"That was a whole four temples ago. You can do it!" Link pointed out.   
"And besides, you never really broke your nose, did you?" Yumi retorted.   
I sighed. "Why fight it?" I shrugged.   
"I don't know. Here, follow me very closely." Link said, looking through the Lens of Truth again.   
Following Link very carefully, we took the staircase step by step. Since the stairs were invisible, it was not a very pleasant thing to do...   
I very unsteadily wobbled halfway up the stairs, and took a look around. The great green cloud of the forest was on all sides of us, and it was a long way to the ground.   
I remembered my unpleasant experience in the Emotion Temple, gulped and turned back towards the staircase. I couldn't see the stairs, so it was even worse. "Don't... look... down." I said calmly.   
"Good boy, Doseki!" Link said, more reassuring than I had ever heard him before. "See, it's not so bad! Just don't look down."   
"I'm way ahead of you," I mumbled, as I crawled (literally) up another step.   
Link and Yumi turned around and Link rolled his eyes. "You can't do it that way!"   
"Why not?" I said. "I'm quite comfortable this way, thank you very much.""Because then you can't see any monsters around you," Yumi pointed out.   
I shrieked and raced up the stairs until I was in the doorway of the Truth Temple.   
"Don't say things like that!" I cried. "I'm only three, ya know!"   
"In human years," Link said.   
A couple seconds later, Link and Yumi finally reached the top step alongside me. Link fixed his pants, and stared defiantly into the Truth Temple.   
"All right. Here we go..." he said. "The last temple... the last sage... the last everything!"   
"CERENA! DON'T WORRY! WE'RE COMING!" I yelled into the doorway.   
Link pulled out his Master Sword and shield, and I grabbed the Little Giant.   
"DOOODA LOO DOOT DOO DOOOO!" Yumi hummed.   
"CHAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!!"   
  
We both ran screaming into a long dark corridor much like the one in the Galaxy Temple.   
"OK MONSTERS, HERE WE COME!" the three of us screamed. We could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and finally we stepped out of the tunnel to find ourselves surrounded by...   
Mirrors.   
Heh, you thought I was going to say some kind of evil creepy monster or something, huh? Heh heh heh. Nope. Just a whole entire room surrounded in mirrors.   
"Oh," said Link. "Well... are they like... demon mirrors and our reflections are going to try and kill us?"   
Yumi flew up to one and tapped it. "Nope. Just a mirror."   
"Huh." Link said. "I thought it might be a bit more exciting than that."   
I looked around in awe. The whole room was made up of nothing but mirrors. The floor, walls, and ceiling were all shiny panes of glass. It looked as if there were a million Links, Yumis, and Dosekis all standing (and flying, in Yumi's case) there.   
I hadn't really seen my human reflection since... well... it was a while ago. I still wasn't used to it.   
"So... now what?" I asked.   
"One of these mirrors isn't really a mirror. It's a door." Yumi explained.   
"And... how are we supposed to figure out which one it is?" Link asked.   
"Gee, I don't know!" she said angrily. "What do I look like, a player's guide?"   
"It's going to be hard to tell." Link said, scratching his head. "See, each of the mirrors reflects the image of the one directly across from it. So they all look the same."   
We stood around, staring at all the mirrors for a second, when Link finally ran up to one and tried to open it. "Nope, this one's a mirror. Let's try this one... uh, nope."   
"That's going to take all day!" I whined.   
"Do you have a better idea?" he shot back.   
I looked around. "Actually, yes. All of the mirrors are reflected in one another, except for one." I said.   
"Which one?" asked Link.   
"The one directly across from the doorway," I said. "See? Because there is no mirror on the door we just came in."   
"You're a genius!" Yumi cried as she flew over to the mirror right across from the entrance.   
"I wouldn't say that," I chuckled.   
Link pushed the door open, and made a gesture. "After you."   
"What are you trying to pull? I know what kind of monsters might be in there. After you!"   
"No, no, I insist."   
"No, no, I INSIST!"   
"Hey, come on. I'm trying to be polite."   
"You mean trying to get me killed!"   
"I would never!"   
"Really?"   
"Yes, really."   
"Aww... that's so nice!" I said. "OK, I'll go first."   
"Nah, now that you mention it, I should go first."   
"No, no, no, I'm being silly. I'll go."   
"No! I'll go!"   
Yumi sighed dejectedly and flew into the corridor. "I cannot believe you two..."   
"OK, OK, I got it! We'll both go in at the same time." I suggested.   
"Fine with me. One... two..."   
We both pushed into the corridor, which was surprisingly small.   
"OW!"   
"Ouch!"   
"Hey watch it!"   
"You watch it!"   
"I didn't mean to, excuse me!"   
"No, no, excuse me."   
"No, I insi-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST!"   
  
That was the sound of Link and me dropping into the trap door in the floor of the corridor.   
  
BANG!   
  
That was the sound of Link and me landing on the hard, cold stone floor.   
  
CRUNCH!   
  
That was the sound of me landing on poor Link one more time.   
  
"AAAAAGH!"   
"Oops... sorry, Link." I said sheepishly. I stood up and brushed myself off. "Man, am I tired of falling!"   
"Man, am I going to need a spleen transplant when all this is over..." Link groaned.   
Me, Yumi, and the agonized Link were standing (and rolling around in pain) in a small square room made out of hard gray stone. The walls were inscribed with all different kinds of writing and symbols.   
"Hey, I think these may mean something!" Yumi cried.   
While Yumi and I tried to decipher the writing, Link took an aspirin. Then all three of us got to work on the mysterious symbols.   
Three sets of them were in large carved out squares.   
  
STARTODDBHEEWJAERLELTO   
  
U0U0L0L0U0U0L0L0A0A0S0S0H0H0U0O0N0N0U0U0F0F0T0T0R0R0U0U0T0T0H0H   
(X the 0's, divide by 2)   
  
And the last one in a square was:   
  
Moo.   
  
"Fascinating..." murmured Yumi. "Well, the door is locked to the next room, so we'd better get cracking on these.   
Link was staring at the first inscription. "Hey... if you add a space in there, the first sentence before the arrows is 'START ODD'."   
"Fascinating..." murmured Yumi.   
"And the one after all the junk is 'START EVEN'." I added. "Start odd and start even what?"   
Link started mumbling to himself and pointing at all the different letters. "Oh! I think I get it. The directions say to start with the odds."   
"The odd what?" I asked. "Those are letters. There's no such things as odd letters."   
"X is an odd letter," Yumi shrugged.   
"Not like that. The odd numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11... so on. The first odd number is one. So what is the first letter?"   
"B!" I said. I think I was starting to get it.   
"OK, and what is the third number?"   
"E!" Yumi cried. "I GET IT! If you keep going like that, then it spells B-E-W-A-R-E-T..."   
"And then we start back at the beginning," said Link. "Only this time with the evens. So we have H-E-J-E-L-L-O."   
"And all together, it spells B-E-W-A-R-E-T-H-E-J-E-L-L-O. Or... BEWARE THE JELLO!" I said, very proud of myself and of Link for figuring out that tough puzzle.   
"Beware the Jello? Well, that's a very useful hint." Link said, rolling his eyes. "OK... now... what does the second one say?"   
"A really long weird sentence and then at the bottom it says 'X the 0's and divide by 2." Yumi said. "Any ideas?"   
"Let's try doing what it says." I suggested. I felt around in my pack, and then said to Link, "You wouldn't happen to have a number two pencil, would you?"   
"Sorry, fresh out," he said.   
"OK then, would you happen to have a magical dagger, then?"   
"Of course," he said, handing me the Black Dagger.   
I carefully scratched away the carving of the first 0.   
"What are you doing?" asked Yumi.   
"I'm X-ing the 0's..." I replied.   
I kept on moving down the line, scratching out 0's as I went, and finally, I reached the end. There were no more 0's in the carving now that I had scratched them out.   
"Look. Now it says, 'UULLUULLAASSHHUUNNUUFFTTRRUUTTHH!" I said.   
"And divide by two. Of course!" Yumi said. She took the dagger from me, and did her best to scratch out every letter that was duplicated in a row.   
"Now it says, 'ULULASHUNUFTRUTH'." Link said.   
"Or ULULASHUN UF TRUTH." Yumi replied.   
"Hey... they spelled Ululation wrong!" I said. "And same with Of!"   
"It's because Ululation and Of have O's in them." Link said. "OK, I think we know what to do now."   
"But what about the third inscription?" I asked.   
"It says 'Moo.' What else is there to say?" Link shrugged. "Must have something to do with something later in the temple."   
He pulled out his Ocarina and quickly played the Ululation of Truth. The door at the end of the room slid open, and we entered the next room.   
  
The next room, which was in fact... a giant shrubbery maze.   
"You have GOT to be kidding me." Link said.   
"Shrubbery!" Yumi laughed. "Well, I think we can figure this out. It's just a shrubbery maze. The door to the next room is over there," She pointed to a door on the far wall.   
Several big eye switches were hanging on the walls, and I noticed a strange gleam coming from a few particular places in the room.   
"What happens if we go over the walls?" I asked.   
"Let's see," said Link, pulling a leaf off of the nearest shrub to us. He tossed it gently over the wall of shrubbery, and giant evil laser beam shot out of one of the eye switches, crumbling the poor leaf to a fine powder.   
"EEEEEEK!" I gasped. "That's not good!"   
Link gulped, and then tried to look tough. "OK... we'll have to do this the old-fashioned way."   
We stumbled our way through the first few twists and turns of the maze, and we noticed the shrubbery gradually got higher and higher. That prevented us from seeing over the walls to know which way to go.   
A while later, we reached a wide section of the maze. A great big treasure chest sat in the middle, next to a large signpost.   
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! NOW THEY CAN FIND THEIR WAY THROUGH THE DUNGEON. I MEAN... UGH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. OH NO! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! THIS IS THE LAST DUNGEON MAP THE BOYS WILL EVER FIND! OH MAN... I SUDDENLY FEEL VERY LONELY...   
  
"What does the sign say?" I asked Link.   
"I can't read it," he said. "It's in some crazy language."   
"Are you sure?" I said, taking a look. "HEY! That's written in Goronese!" I gasped.   
"Really? Then what's it say?" cried Yumi.   
"It says... 'Purple Monkey Dishwasher, Cheesecake Macaroni Jellybean Shenanigan Washing Machine'." I said.   
"Don't be stupid. What's it say?" asked Link.   
"I told you! It says 'Purple Monkey Dishwasher, Cheesecake Macaroni Jellybean Shenanigan Washing Machine'!" I snapped. "Don't you believe me?"   
"And what in the name of my grandma's underwear does THAT mean?" Yumi shouted. "Hmmm..."   
"Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this is the Truth Temple." Link shrugged. "Let's see."   
He pulled out the trusty-rusty Lens of Truth and stared at the sign. "Now it's in Goronese again."   
"Let me see," I said. I took the Lens from him and gazed at the sign. "Oh! Now it says, 'Be cautious, brave travelers, for YOU are not what YOU seem'."   
"Is it just me, or does that make LESS sense than the purple monkey dishwasher thing?" Link asked dejectedly.   
"Beats me," I said. "Come on, let's keep going."   
We turned around the next corner, and we found ourselves in an even deeper part of the maze. The walls were so high we couldn't see the top, and at the end of the part of the path we were on, was a shiny silver mirror.   
"So that's what was causing the gleaming!" Link nodded. He stepped up to the mirror and began to examine it closely.   
I stepped back a few feet and stared up at the seemingly endless shrubbery.   
"Why do you think they put a maze in here?" I asked her. She shrugged.   
"I don't know. I just..." Suddenly, Yumi turned a bright yellow. "HUH?"   
"Hey, what's the matter?" I asked frantically.   
"Nothing!"   
"Then why are you yellow?"   
"I don't know!" she gasped.   
"Why are you turning yellow if there's no reason to?" I asked.   
"Hey, what's with the third degree?" Yumi yelled. "I don't know why I'm changing colors! There's no bad guy nearby! Or at least... I don't think there is..."   
We looked around quickly for the evildoer that had snuck up near us. But... there was none.   
Link was standing where he had been, gazing into the mirror blankly.   
"Hey Link, do you see any bad guys?" I asked.   
"DOSEKI! RUN!" I heard Link scream.   
"What?" I replied.   
"RUN!" he said again.   
Yumi raised her eyebrows. "Run from what?"   
"JUST RUN!"   
"Link, you're not making any sense!" I said. I stepped towards him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Come on. Help us look for the monster."   
Suddenly, Link turned around, and I screamed bloody murder.   
"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" I shrieked.   
THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME WITH THE HAT AND GREEN TUNIC WAS NOT LINK!   
He looked enough like Link. But his eyes were blank, and really creepy looking. Everything about him was darker. His skin looked puke-green, and he was definitely not a nice-looking character.   
"I'M NOT LINK!" the creepy thing said. Oh gee, I could have figured that out by myself.   
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I squealed again.   
"AGGGH!" Yumi screamed. "It's a Shadow! It's an evil reflection of someone! It lives in a special kind of evil mirror, and it's really hard to kill!"   
"Why is it hard to kill?" I asked quickly.   
"Because each one has a different weak spot!" Yumi yelled back.   
"Then what is it?"   
"I DON'T KNOW!" she screamed. "It changes all the time! And I can't tell by looking at him because his whole self is a lie!"   
The Shadow version of Link pulled out a big creeped out version of the Master Sword and came running after me.   
"EEEEEEEK!" I squealed, ducking past the Shadow and racing towards the mirror.   
That's when I saw it. In the mirror was a NORMAL reflection of Link. It was banging on the mirror and screaming at me.   
"RUN!" it yelled.   
"I'm WAY ahead of you!" I said, as I ducked away from another chop of the Shadow's sword that was aimed at my head.   
"No, DOSEKI! It's me!" the reflection yelled. "I'm Link! I'm the real Link!"   
"Really?" I asked.   
"DUCK!" screamed the reflection.   
I ducked, just as Shadow Link's sword almost ran me through.   
"How did you get in there?" asked Yumi.   
"I don't know! That creepy thing grabbed me and then jumped out of the mirror!" Link yelled. "I don't think I can get out until you kill it!"   
"Give me a minute!" I cried.   
"Try... the fax machine!" Link shouted. "I think that will stun it!"   
I pulled out the compact Fax Machine O' Randomness and aimed the paper tray at the evil Link. "Take this, you bad evil thing!"   
I pressed the little red button, and a single sheet of white 8 x 11 paper shot out of the Fax Machine like a knife. It sliced Shadow Link across his arm, and he stopped for a second, screaming in pain.   
"Uh... try... its... HEAD!" Yumi yelled. "I... think so, anyway."   
With a quick swing of the Little Giant, I sent Shadow Link reeling to the ground. He didn't get back up.   
"Did I kill it?" I asked warily, stepping away from the thing on the ground.   
"I don't know... I think so!" Yumi said.   
But of course, we were wrong. The Shadow thingy got up and raced over at me again.   
"EEEK!" I yelled as I jumped out of the way.   
"Uh... try... its... um... AGH! I can't tell!" Yumi cried, grabbing her head in frustration.   
"I have an idea!" I said. I ran up to the mirror and got ready to smack it. "Watch out, Link..."   
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" screamed Link. "Don't break the mirror!"   
"Why not?" I asked.   
"Because! Then I'll probably be stuck in here forever!"   
"Well then, what do you suggest?" I shot back.   
"Just keep hitting it. Maybe it'll die." Link shrugged.   
"Oh, brilliant strategy. Thanks, Napoleon!" I yelled.   
But there really wasn't much else I could do. I ran up to the evil thing when it was distracted, and hit it again and again.   
It spun around and sent me flying into the wall of shrubbery.   
"OW!" I cried. "OK, THAT'S IT!"   
I stood up, marched over to the Shadow, and punched him in the gut.   
It was the Goron thing to do.   
And apparently, it worked! The Shadow screamed in pain and vanished into thin air.   
"The GUT! Of course!" Yumi cried, snapping her fingers.   
"What about me!?" Link yelled.   
"Come on, you can come out now." Yumi said.   
Link moved his arm up and touched the mirror, finding that his hand went right through it. He jumped through, and rejoined the group.   
"Good one, Doseki," he said. "Thank you for getting me out of that crappy mirror."   
"I owed you one anyway," I said proudly.   
"Doseki, in the Hero business, you don't keep track of how much you owe somebody," Link said. "Because if you actually try to, you'll find out that everyone owes you a lot more than they could ever pay back."   
  
We turned another two corners, and at the end of the row saw another evil mirror.   
"Oh great..." Link groaned.   
"What do we do, Yumi?" I asked.   
"I guess we'll just have to walk by it." Yumi shrugged.   
We tiptoed very slowly up to the mirror, and found that no evil things came out of it. Or anyway, not at first.   
"Maybe... if... I... do... THIS!" yelled Link, stepping out in front of the mirror again. Nothing happened.   
"What's wrong with it?" I said, scratching my head. "Did it break?"   
"I don't know." Link shrugged. "OH HEY! Look! There in the mirror! It's Yumi!"   
A perfect reflection of the author-turned-fairy was staring back at us from inside the mirror. It banged on the glass and screamed several curses. "HEY! HEY! LOOK OUT!"   
"That's the REAL Yumi!" Link gasped.   
An epiphany hit me. "Hey wait a sec... if Yumi's reflection is in the mirror... Then the Shadow..."   
That's when I heard the tiny scream and seconds later, I was picked up by the collar and tossed across the row and into the bushes. "AIEEEE!"   
Link came a few seconds later. "YAAAAH!"   
"Oh no! Link! Yumi's trapped in the mirror!" I cried.   
"Yeah? Well I think we may have something else to worry about!"   
A tiny flash of pukey green and yellow later, Link and I were both on the floor again.   
"OW! CUT IT OUT!" I screamed to the Shadow version of my guardian fairy. It laughed maniacally and fluttered around our heads some more.   
"MOVE IT! IT'S COMING AGAIN!" Link screamed.   
I have to admit, it looked pretty funny to see two guys like Link and me running around and screaming for help about a five-inch tall evil fairy attempting to dive bomb us to death.   
"WHAT DO WE DO?" I cried. "HEEEELP!"   
"Watch out! That thing is strong for such a little squirt!" Link yelled. He pulled me out of the way of a psycho fairy dive-bomb.   
"Stop it!" I yelled at the thing. It didn't listen.   
"If we can find some way to slow it down, we can try and kill it!" Link said coolly, dodging another attack.   
"AAHA! The bracelet!" I cried. I reached to activate the Spiral Bracelet, when I realized that it wasn't there. I thought my arm had felt a bit drafty...   
Then I heard a whistle. I looked up to see the Shadow Yumi holding my bracelet over her head and laughing like a maniac. "LOOKING FOR THIS?" she giggled.   
"Uh oh... She must have grabbed it when she threw me!" I shrugged.   
"Well, we'll have to find some other way!" Link said. "I wonder if the little fairy likes... ICE!" he screamed, pulling out his bow.   
Well, at least he WANTED to pull out his bow.   
He reached into an empty bag and felt around. "WHAT? Where did all of my stuff go?"   
We heard another whistle and saw Shadow Yumi juggling my bracelet, as well as all of Link's weapons.   
"D'OH!" Link cursed.   
"Don't worry, I still have mine!" I yelled. But then I realized that I didn't.   
"HOW DID SHE GET ALL OF OUR STUFF SO QUICKLY?" Link cried.   
"It's the bracelet! She used it to speed herself up and then she took all of our stuff while we were just standing here!" I said. I have to admit, I was impressed with my own ability to comprehend the situation, as well as my ability to use all those big words in this sentence.   
"How are we going to kill her NOW?" Link wailed.   
"Remember the Goron saying, Link: You're never really defeated until you're on the ground bleeding!" I said proudly.   
  
Seconds later...   
  
"I... think... we're... defeated now..." Link moaned from his spot on the ground bleeding next to me.   
"Not... yet!" I said angrily. "There's one thing she DIDN'T take yet!"   
I pulled the white Emotion Medallion out of the bag and threw it at the wall. It bounced off and hit the floor as a white light began to shoot out of it.   
Shadow Yumi screamed and covered her eyes, stopping herself from beating us up any more.   
Suddenly, the figure of Wintyr appeared in the light. She was in a small white room, washing her hands at the sink.   
She turned towards us, and screamed in shock.   
"YAHH! Oh... oh man, you guys scared me..." she gasped, clutching her chest." "Can't you see I'm in the bathroom?"   
"Correction: You're washing your hands." Link groaned.   
Wintyr gasped again. "Good grief! What happened to you?"   
"We're having the crap kicked out of us by an evil fairy..." I muttered.   
"Oh no! Oh, there she is... an evil Yumi, huh? Well, I'll make short work of her!" Wintyr said defiantly.   
The Sage of Emotion ran backwards into the bathroom and checked to see that no one was watching. Then she ran back towards us, put her hands together, and started rapidly chanting in Japanese.   
I couldn't understand a word she was saying, but as she chanted, she started to glow a bluish white like ice.   
The light got so big, Shadow Yumi had to shut her eyes again.   
It looked like she was almost done. "... jigora jiii majuan... FROZEN..."   
Suddenly, Wintyr stopped, and turned away from the light. Someone was watching her from the bathroom doorway!   
"Waa? Whaddya mean stop talking to myself? I'm not talking to myself, I'm saving the world here!" Wintyr snapped.   
There was a pause. We could hear a little bit of mumbling from the bathroom doorway.   
"I can't go to the office, I'm busy! I've got people to save here!" Wintyr said, very annoyed. "Pssh. Fine, leave then!" Wintyr groaned.   
Then she noticed Link and me, backed up against the shrubbery, trying to get away from Shadow Yumi, who had recovered and was coming in for the kill again.   
"SORRY!" she said. Then she started chanting again. "... jigora jii majuan... FROZEN... HEART!" Wintyr yelled.   
A spinning whoosh of white and blue appeared around the evil Yumi, and we heard a high pitched scream.   
The entire room seemed to fill with fog, and when the fog and mist faded, we saw a gleaming blue object hovering in midair.   
It was Shadow Yumi, frozen solid in a barrier of ice shaped like a heart. The heart tumbled to the ground and shattered, and the evil Yumi vanished into thin air. The mirror started to glow and the REAL Yumi zipped out.   
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, you guys... I didn't know the evil me was so... EVIL!" she said.   
"Ow..." Link and I grunted.   
"How was that?" asked Wintyr.   
"Great... now could you get us some Advil?" begged Link.   
"Oh, I'm sorry it took so long!" Wintyr said. "It was my first try... but hey, I really did it! Cool!"   
"Thank you, Wintyr," I said.   
"No problem. Now if you two'll excuse me, I have to get to class..." she said. "Or it's the principal's office for me!"   
"See ya later, Wintyr!" I grinned.   
"Yeah, see ya," added Link.   
The Sage of Emotion waved back, and the light faded as the medallion returned to normal.   
  
"OK, now to finish navigating this DA&%*$ shrub maze, and then we can get back to the action!" Link said triumphantly.   
"I think I've had enough action for one lifetime..." I groaned.   
"Come on, guys!" Yumi said, pointing around the next corner. "Cerena's not going to save herself!"   
We followed Yumi down a few more corridors, and FINALLY!- the shrub maze ended and the door to the next room was open.   
But in front of the door was a big tempting-looking treasure chest.   
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE OPTICAL GLASS OF FALSE! THIS IS A CHEAP GENERIC LENS OF TRUTH THAT CAN SHOW YOU THE FALSE SIDES OF THINGS! WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT, I'M NOT SURE... BUT YOU HAVE IT NOW, SO DEAL WITH IT.   
  
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE. LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE COMPASS BURIED UNDER SOME STUFF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SAME TREASURE CHEST! NOW THEY CAN SEE SOME CRAP HIDDEN IN THE DUNGEON. NOT LITERAL CRAP, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.   
  
"Two goodies in one chest!" Yumi cheered. "How lucky are we?"   
I stared at the Optical Glass of False. It was a poorly-made version of Link's Lens of Truth.   
"Try looking through it," suggested Link.   
I held the glass up to my face and looked at Yumi and Link. What I saw instead was a big fat pink hippopotamus in a pink tutu and Marlon Brando.   
"Uh..." I stammered. "I think you'd better look at this, Link..."   
Link took the glass from me and tried it for himself. "What the- You look like a guy in a hot dog suit!"   
"I do?" I gasped.   
"This thing shows you fake stuff! What's the use in that?" Link groaned, throwing it into his bag roughly. "Well, we might as well keep it anyway."   
"What a useless treasure!" Yumi said, rolling her eyes. "Whatever. OK, let's go."   
  
Through the next door was another big huge room full of mirrors. Mirrors all over the place!   
"Cool," Link said. "Where's the door in here?"   
"Right over there!" said Yumi, pointing across the room. "Hey, look! That door has the symbol of the Truth Temple on it! That must be the boss key door!"   
"Wow, that was fast." I whistled.   
Link raced over to the door and crashed into something halfway there, falling on his butt.   
"OW!" he yelled.   
I burst out laughing, and so did Yumi. Link was not happy.   
"That's not funny!" he said.   
"Neither were all the pies in the Innocence Temple, but I was sure laughing hard!" I giggled.   
"It doesn't look like there's anything here..." Link said. "But there must be invisible walls or something."   
He took out the Lens of Truth and stared around. "Oh. There's a huge invisible brick wall cutting off that entire side of the room. And there's no way past!"   
"Then... where do we go?" I asked him.   
"Oh. There's an invisible door right there," he said, pointing to our immediate left.   
"Looks like we're not done yet!" Yumi sighed.   
Link opened the new door and glumly stepped through.   
  
Only one word could describe the next room. "WHOA!" I gasped.   
The room was HUMONGOUS! It looked almost like it was leading up to a cathedral or a temple or something of that sort. Statues of all shapes and sizes led up to a giant tunnel in the shape of a dinosaur's head. It looked kinda like Dodongo's Cavern.   
"Weird..." Link muttered.   
"This is supposed to be the Truth Temple... what does a dinosaur have to do with Truth?" Yumi asked.   
Suddenly, a booming voice echoed throughout the room. It was a deep, really scary voice...   
"HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"   
"AAAAGGGH!" I shrieked. "GET IT AWAY!"   
"Get what away?" asked Link. Then he turned his attention back to the voice. "Who said that?"   
"I DID!" said the giant dinosaur head tunnel at the end of the room. "THIS IS THE SHRINE OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL YENRAB! HE DOES NOT LIKE INTRUDERS!"   
"Who's YENRAB?" I asked.   
"YENRAB IS THE HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE TELLER OF TRUTH! THE FREAKISHLY FREAKY FANATIC OF FALSEHOODS! THE CORRUPT CREATURE KEEPER OF THE TRUTHMASTER'S TERRIFIC TREASURE!"   
"Enough alliteration, sheesh." Yumi growled.   
"YENRAB AND YENRAB ALONE IS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO GUARD THE ONLY WEAPON THAT CAN DESTROY THE TRUTHMASTER! HE IS NOT TO BE DISTURBED!" the voice continued.   
"Well, what if we want to fight YENRAB?" asked Link smugly.   
"THEN YOU MAY ENTER! BUT YOU WON'T COME OUT ALIVE!" laughed the dinosaur head maniacally.   
Link marched triumphantly towards the dinosaur head.   
"LINK! Didn't you hear what he said?" I cried. "We are going to DIE!"   
"Do you remember the last time someone told us we were going to be killed?" Link asked me.   
"Uh... yeah. Coeur de Glace."   
"And what happened to her?"   
"We killed her."   
"Right. How about Dark Wintyr?"   
"We defeated her too."   
"And Terry and Kim?"   
"Uh..."   
"Dark Zel?"   
"Well..."   
"NMR? Dark Jigglypuff?"   
"Well those guys..."   
"EATEMUP? Dark Chica?"   
"Er..."   
"Dischord? DARK GG?"   
"Well, those guys didn't have 'Great and Powerful' in their title!" I protested weakly.   
"COME ON!" Link said, dragging me along with him.   
Just as we reached the dinosaur head tunnel, we heard the voice talk again.   
"UM... YOU SERIOUSLY AREN'T CONSIDERING GOING IN THERE, ARE YOU?"   
"Yep. We're going in," answered Link.   
"OH, POOPY! IT'S MY JOB TO TRY AND SCARE YOU OFF. DIDN'T I SCARE YOU AT ALL?"   
"Not really."   
"NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT?"   
"Not even a little bit."   
"AW, MAN! WELL THEN, UM... COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT WOULD HAVE SCARED YOU?"   
"Maybe a big rubber mask," Link said sarcastically.   
"OOH! THAT'S GOOD! OH, OH, AND I COULD GROWL A LITTLE BIT... OOH! OOH! I'LL SCARE SO MANY ADVENTURERS!"   
"Sorry pal, but we're going to defeat this 'YENRAB' guy, so there won't be any more adventurers." Link shrugged.   
"OH REALLY? AWW... POOPY... OH! I'M SUPPOSED TO ASK YOU. DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?"   
"Green Cross and Hylian Shield," Link said.   
"Slate Farm," I added.   
"Hyrulian Fairy Insurance," Yumi finished.   
"OH. AND DO YOU HAVE ANY... SHARP OBJECTS ON YOU?"   
"Well sure. We both have swords, and lots of little things too," I said.   
"OH... THAT'S NOT GOOD..."   
"Why?" asked Yumi.   
"WELL, IT'S JUST THAT... PEOPLE WHO FIGHT YENRAB HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO TRY AND JAM THEIR EARDRUMS OUT WITH SHARP OBJECTS..."   
"Eeeeeeeeehhhh..." I groaned.   
"WELL, JUST THOUGHT I'D LET YOU KNOW. OH, HAVE FUN! AND BY THE WAY... IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND AND DECIDE TO LET HIM KILL YOU OR DECIDE TO RUN AWAY SCREAMING, I'LL REALLY APPRECIATE IT."   
"Nope. We're gonna get him," Link said.   
"OH. POO."   
And then the voice was silent.   
Link stepped up into the dinosaur's mouth, and called, "OK, there's a big long staircase going down. "Ready to go?"   
"Why not? Let's rush to our dooms!" I said pessimistically.   
Link started going down the stairs, and as I climbed down after him, I said quietly, "Over the teeth and past the gums... Look out YENRAB, here we come!"   
  
"... 63 pieces of rock on the wall, 63 pieces of rock! If one of these pieces should happen to fall, 62 pieces of rock on the wall!" I sang.   
"Ugh... enough already!" Link said, skipping three steps down.   
"But I'm bored!" I whined. "And who knows how long these stairs are going to go down? It's already been 37 pieces of rock on the wall!"   
"AKA half an hour..." Yumi said, extremely bored. "HOW MANY STAIRS DOES THIS GUY NEED FOR AN EERIE INTRODUCTION?"   
  
"... 24 pieces of rock on the wall, 24 pieces of rock! If one of these pieces should happen to fall, 23 pieces of rock on the wall..."   
  
"... 2 pieces of rock on the wall, 2 pieces of rock... If one of these pieces should happen to fall, 1 piece of rock on the wall..."   
  
"... -33 pieces of rock on the wall, -33 pieces of rock! If one of these pieces should happen to fall, -34 pieces of rock on the wall!"   
"If I hear that song one more time, something is going to fall down these stairs, and it's not going to be a piece of rock..." Link threatened.   
"Gee, sorry Link... but thanks for making me stop. I was tired of singing too..."   
"LOOK! LIGHT AT THE END OF THE BIG LONG STAIRWAY!" Yumi gasped.   
The three of us ran as fast as we could down to the bottom of the stairs, where a door was waiting for us.   
"YENRAB: THE TRUTHMASTER'S HEAD BODYGUARD. EXTREME DANGER. YOU GOTTA BE FREAKIN' NUTS TO GO IN THERE. YOU THINK I'M KIDDING HUH? JUST OPEN THE DOOR THEN..." the sign on the door said.   
"Let's go... That YENRAB guy is going to pay for making me hear 132 verses of '99 Pieces Of Rock On The Wall'..." Link growled.   
He threw open the door and stepped inside triumphantly.   
"ALL RIGHT, YENRAB YOU STUPID DORK! COME OUT WHERE I CAN KICK YOUR @$$!" he screamed.   
The room was wide open and rectangular, with the same stone patterned walls as before. In the center of the room was a large throne turned away from us so we couldn't see who was sitting in it.   
Then we heard the scariest voice in the world. Worse than the other guy's.   
"WELL, WELL, WELL..." the deep voice grumbled. "IT LOOKS LIKE A FEW PEOPLE FORGOT TO TAKE MY WARNING SERIOUSLY... NOW I WILL BE FORCED TO CRUSH YOU LIKE BUGS! HEAR MY NAME AND TREMBLE! I AM YENRAB! MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA!"   
"Stand up and turn around!" Link ordered.   
"AS YOU WISH!" said YENRAB. We saw YENRAB's shadow stand up and step around the throne... and we were met with the most terrifying sight any of the three of us had seen since our journey began... Well, it was just a little bit more terrifying than the Teletubbies, and just as terrifying as my near-fall from Gerudo Valley, but terrifying nonetheless.   
A dinosaur... A purple dinosaur with a green stomach and shiny white teeth... An all-too-familiar purple dinosaur speaking into a voice changer...   
The dinosaur tossed the voice changer aside and spoke in his real voice. "Super-DEE-Duper! New friends to play with!"   
Link, Yumi and I glanced at each other and let loose a collective terrified shriek.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"   
"That's no YENRAB! It's BARNEY!" Yumi gasped, turning bright yellow. "OH SH&$! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"   
Link leaped backwards screaming. "OH IS THERE NOTHING AS FRIGHTENING AS A CHILDREN'S SHOW DINOSAUR? AAAGGGH!"   
Barney began walking towards us... Giggling demonically all the way...   
"OK, OK... Calm down..." Yumi shouted at Link and me. "This is Barney, the Demon Dinosaur of the... Darned. I'm not sure what its weak point is... but I know one thing's for sure... STAY AWAY FROM ITS EVIL RAY OF DOOM!"   
"What Evil Ray?" asked Link.   
"THAT ONE ABOUT TO HIT YOU!" Yumi shrieked.   
Barney was about to launch a big evil purple ray at Link. Link screamed, and jumped back just before the ray hit him and did who knows what kind of damage!   
"HOW ARE WE GOING TO KILL IT?" I screamed.   
"Give me three minutes... I can figure out its weak point by then!" Yumi said. "Just try and defend yourself, and stay away from the ray!"   
I hit the ground dodging another ray, and Link pulled out his sword. "All right you big stupid thing... I hope you've received your last rites, because it's time to die!"   
"That's not nice to say! UHOY HOY HUY HOYU HOYU HUOY!" chuckled Barney.   
I stood back with the Little Giant drawn, watching the master at work. It was just like I had always imagined: the stories of Link killing the King Dodongo so many years ago... and the story of Link putting that awful Volvagia to rest again! I guess it was kind of amazing to me at the time, that I was really right here fighting beside my long-time hero... Er, well I was about to fight beside him anyway.   
"I'm coming, Link!" I yelled.   
"Gee, Link... It's not nice to hurt people! I'll have to sing a song about it!" Barney said, just as Link was about to chop him into pieces.   
"Don't listen to his song, whatever you do! It's a spell that'll mess up your brain!" Yumi warned.   
"NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Link screamed.   
Barney started to dance around, and corny background music began to play.   
"Oh don't hurt people even if they are bad. Evil guys can too, be sad! They might get mad and call their dad! Oh, don't hurt people even if they are bad!"   
I was plugging my ears, and Link was rolling his eyes. "What kind of stupid attack was that? Take this, you evil thing!"   
Barney could see that his ruse had failed, so he tried again.   
"Why save the world when you could sing? Cause singing is such a marvelous thing! It's better than a root canal or a diamond ring! Why save the world when you could sing?"   
"Because it's my job," Link laughed. "OK, now stop the singing, I'm going to kill you."   
Barney decided to try one more time. "All righty then, Mr. Link... If you want to try, it's just Super-DEE-DUPER to me! But first..."   
"I'm not listening to any of your songs!" Link yelled. "Get ready to get him, Doseki..."   
"Right," I said.   
Barney jumped backwards to begin his dorky dance, and then started belting out, "I'M BAD! I'M BAD! I'M BAD! YOU KNOW IT! YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW I'M BAD! I'M BAD! I'M BAD! YOU KNOW IT!"   
Link raised his eyebrows and stared at the Michael Jackson dancing dinosaur. "WHAT? What happened to 'I Love You' and 'The Wheels On The Bus'?"   
Link didn't even see it coming. Just as Barney finished the Michael Jackson dance, he spun around and shot out the evil ray of doom! And poor Link didn't have time to even blink.   
"AGGGH!" he screamed.   
"LINK!" I cried.   
"OH NO!" Yumi gasped.   
"Yumi, what does the ray do?" I asked frantically.   
"I... I'm not sure!" Yumi gasped again. "I don't think it's deadly, but still!"   
Barney laughed that evil laugh again. "UHOY UOY OYUOY UOY UOY HUOY!"   
I ran over to my partner's side. "Link! Link, are you all right?"   
He looked like he was in a daze. "... I... love... you... You... love... me... We're... a... happy... family..."   
"OH NO!" I cried. The poor guy was completely out of it.   
"Do you want to have fun and play with me too?" asked Barney dementedly.   
"You're gonna pay for that!" I screamed in anger.   
I drew the Little Giant again, and charged at that big purple menace. He merely ducked, and I went sailing into the wall.   
"OW! OK, really this time!" I said, racing after him.   
This time, Barney swung his tail and tripped me.   
"Owwww..." I wailed. "Why do I keep tripping?"   
"MOVE DOSEKI!" Yumi shrieked.   
I instinctively rolled to the left, just as another purple ray crashed into the floor where I had been.   
I stood up again. "OK then, NOW I'm gonna hit you!" I cried.   
I raced at the dinosaur, and surprisingly, I missed again.   
"Yumi, what's going on with me?" I wailed. "I can't hit him at all!"   
"I think it's Link," Yumi said.   
"Huh?"   
"No, no, no! Doseki, it's a psychological thing! Link can't help you this time! You're too afraid to try and hit Barney because Link can't back you up! You have to be brave and attack him!"   
Was Yumi right? Was I really afraid to hit Barney because Link wasn't able to help?   
It WAS the first time I had to fight a big powerful monster by myself... I had fought Dark GG, but I wasn't afraid then because I wanted my girlfriend back... I had fought Dark Jigglypuff because he had chosen me, but that wasn't a regular battle... I had fought a few Shiniinoru, but I had a weapon that could grind them down easily...   
This was it! It was my time to shine now! Time to show Link, Barney, and everyone that I wasn't just a scared little Goron in a hero's body... Time to show the world that I am Little Link of the Gorons, son of the Great Darunia! LL, the Brave! LL, the Strong! LL, the Powerful! LL, the...   
"DUCK!" screamed Yumi.   
I ducked.   
Where was I? Oh yeah... LL the... um... aw man, I lost my train of thought... maybe I should just kill him now...   
"HERE I COME!" I screamed.   
"Oh, like I haven't heard that before. UHOY HOY HUY HUYO HOYU!"   
"Will you stop that laughing?" I said, thoroughly annoyed.   
It was time for some serious dino-butt kicking!   
  
"Hey Barney, wanna see how fast I can go?" I said slyly. It was fun egging on the bad guys.   
"Why not? I love playing tag!" laughed Barney maniacally.   
"Let's go, Yumi! Got his weakness yet?" I asked.   
"Sure do. Go for the tail!" Yumi said.   
I activated the Spiral Bracelet, and everything around Yumi and me slowed down. Barney was just warming up another ray blast. I jumped into the air and flipped over his big ugly head, and slashed on his tail with the Little Giant.   
Just as I landed, time was restored, and Barney jumped forward, yelling in pain.   
"Hey! How did you move so quickly?" Barney yelled angrily.   
"Oh, you mean... like... THIS?" I said.   
The bracelet flashed again, and I jumped into the air Matrix-style. WHACK! A big kick, right in the face!   
Barney went flying backwards, very slowly. Finally, he hit the wall and stood up again once time was restored to normal.   
Barney stood up again, very woozy. "You're not playing nice... I think you need to learn how to play fair!"   
"All is fair in love and war!" Yumi said very dramatically.   
"OK now, Barney!" I yelled. "You take back that curse-thingy you put on my buddy Link, or else!"   
"Awww, but he looks so happy!" Barney said evilly.   
I turned over to Link, and saw that he was playing with two rocks on the ground, and providing their voices.   
"JOOOHN!" he squealed in a high voice. "MAAARSHAAA!" he said in a low voice. "I LOOOVE YOU JOOOOOOHN!" he said in the high voice. "I LOOOOVE YOU TOOOOO, MARSHAAAAAA!" "OH JOOOHN!" "OH MAAAARSHAAAAA!"   
"Link, what are you doing?" asked Yumi.   
"Who's Link?" asked Link.   
"OK, THAT'S IT! I've had it up to here with you, Barney!" I yelled to the evil purple villain. "It's time for you to go extinct!"   
"Not quite yet!" Barney sneered. He let loose another blast that to my surprise, wasn't aimed at me, but at Link! The hypnotized Hylian hero stood up slowly, and tiptoed towards Yumi and me.   
"I... love... you... You... love... me... We're... a... happy... family... With... a... great... big... hug... and... a... kiss... from... me... to... you..." he murmured.   
"Leave him alone!" I cried.   
"You'll have to get past him first!" said Barney, stepping back against the wall and leaving Link mumbling like an idiot in the middle of the room.   
"OK," I said. I ran towards Barney, but at the last second, Link jumped in front and cocked his head to the side. "YOU NO LOVE BARNEY? ME KILL!"   
"EEK!" I shrieked. "Yumi, what's up with him?"   
"He's under Barney's control, of course... he'll do anything to protect his 'master'!" she said. "If we could do something to snap him out of it..."   
"I know!" I gasped. "I have an idea!"   
I pulled the Galaxy Medallion out of the bag and threw it at the floor. The blue light shot upwards, and seconds later my girlfriend appeared, reading a book on her bed.   
"GG! Emergency!" I cried.   
She looked up quickly. "Huh? Oh! What's up?"   
Yumi flew in front of the light and pointed at the drooling idiot that was once the Hero of Time. "Barney got him!"   
GG made a shuddering noise, and jumped off her bed. "Right. What can I do for you?"   
"We need something to snap him out of it!" I said.   
"I got just the thing..." she grinned. "Be right with you..."   
As we saw GG racing out of her bedroom, the medallion's light flickered and it returned to normal.   
"OH NO! What happened?" I gasped. "It broke!"   
"I... don't know!" Yumi said. "Maybe she hung up... OK... well, let's just TRY and cure him by ourselves..."   
I grabbed the Little Giant and once again tried to get at the evil dinosaur of the darned, but Link was right in the way. He drew his own sword, and like a robot, began trying to kill me. It wasn't his style at all! It was all choppy and he didn't seem to know what he was doing.   
He swung the Master Sword over his head, trying to take a chop out of MY head, but I blocked it and we were stuck there, blocking off each other's weapons with our own.   
We circled around and around, and I was totally concentrated on keeping my concentration... That's a little redundant, isn't it?   
Suddenly, Yumi shrieked. "WATCH OUT!"   
"Huh?" I said stupidly. The purple glow told me what was happening. I immediately swung around Link, and like a good zombie-friend, he took the blast.   
But this blast seemed to do something different to Link... It rebuilt him! He was better than before... Faster... Stronger... eviler...   
Before I knew it, I was on my butt again. Zombie Link screamed in rage and ran for me. Uh oh...   
I was ready to meet my maker, when a bright blue flash from the other side of the room distracted Zombie Link.   
It was GG! She was back!   
"Hey Link! Look what I got!" she said, holding up a freshly printed picture of Princess Ruto, in all her naked Zora glory.   
Zombie Link's eyes got all big, and he gasped and passed out. Well that got rid of HIM...   
"Thanks GG!" I called. "D'ya think you could give me a hand with HIM now?"   
"Can't," she said sheepishly. "It's against Author Sage Rules to help you with sub-bosses or bosses... Sorry."   
I shrugged. "It's OK..."   
Suddenly, GG screamed in terror. "BEHIND YOU!"   
I ducked just as another purple blast came my way. "EEEEEEAAA!" I interjected.   
"Oh shoot!" Barney said, snapping his claws. Wait... you can't snap a claw! Er, anyway, his eyes started to glow red, and he powered up a huge purple orb. "Prepare to DIE!"   
"SorryGGgottago!" I said all at once.   
"Good luck!" she cried worriedly, as the medallion's power faded.   
Barney was stomping towards me like a dinosaur straight outta Jurassic Park... I stepped backwards to avoid him, and just like the klutz I am, I tripped over the Galaxy Medallion on the ground and went straight on my butt.   
"OH GOOD GOING!" Yumi shrieked. "GET UP!"   
"No, DON'T GET UP!" said Barney wickedly, preparing to blast both Yumi and my brains out.   
Man, it was like David and Goliath! How could I ever have thought I could have beat this guy?   
Hey wait... David and Goliath? DAVID AND GOLIATH! Of course!   
I quickly grabbed the Galaxy Medallion and tossed it like a frisbee. HARD! Right into Barney's head!   
The Purple Demon Dino of the Darned flinched as the medallion bounced off his head and took a step forwards-   
Hey, don't interrupt with your gasps of worry. You didn't let me finish.   
He took a step forwards, tripping right over Link's unconscious butt.   
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Barney as he tumbled to the ground face-first.   
It was like a cartoon. He flipped head over heels, and rolled right into the wall, bashing his head again and putting him out like a light. FOR GOOD!   
  
I stood up and picked up the Galaxy Medallion from where it had landed. "Good ol' medallion..."   
"It nearly killed you!" gasped Yumi.   
"It didn't," I said, as if that made it all better.   
Barney disappeared, and a big treasure chest rose up in his place.   
"Hey! This is the treasure that can defeat the Truthmaster!" I said happily.   
"Great, great. Get it and let's go." Yumi said. "There's another door over there... and what are we going to do about Link?"   
  
LL/DOSEKI AND LL/DOSEKI ALONE GOT THE FIRE/ICE/LIGHT ROD! THIS IS ACTUALLY CERENA'S SECRET WEAPON, BUT CONSIDERING SHE'S ALL WEIRDED OUT RIGHT NOW, IT CAN BE YOURS FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY. (DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL GET A SMALLER ONE TO REPLACE IT WHEN CERENA COMES AROUND...) IT'S PRETTY SELF EXPLANITORY. IT SHOOTS FIRE, ICE, OR LIGHT DEPENDING ON WHAT BUTTON YOU PRESS. LEGEND HAS IT THAT THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN DEFEAT THE TRUTHMASTER... WHOEVER HE IS. I BETCHA HE'S WORSE THAN BARNEY.   
  
I stuffed the F/I/L Rod into my pocket and ran over to Link. "Hey Link!" I cried. "Get up! I beat Barney!"   
He was out cold.   
Yumi landed on his chest and started kicking his face. "Come on, lazy! Let's get the heck outta this stupid place!"   
He didn't move.   
"OH CRAP! Yumi! Is he... dead?" I gasped.   
"No, he's not dead." Yumi said reassuringly. "He's just very, very unconscious. That was one nasty spell he got hit with three times."   
"But Barney's dead now. It should be gone, right?"   
"Unless it has some after-effects." Yumi said. "Hmmm... Let me think... Ah! Hey Doseki, gimme the a piece of paper from the Magical Fax Machine O' Randomness."   
I handed Yumi a clean sheet of white paper, and she rolled it up into a cone-shape. "Now cover your ears," she ordered.   
I did so. The pint-sized author held the cone up to her mouth, got right up next to Link's head, and shrieked in the highest voice imaginable, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"   
Link sat up quickly. "Dude... heh heh, Dude, it's not nice to do that..."   
I gasped. "AFTER-EFFECTS!"   
Link rubbed his head and stood up. "Woo, what a trip... That totally sucked. I wonder if I'll have any after-effects... eh, oh well."   
"Oh well?" Yumi said in disbelief. "Doseki here saved your butt!"   
"Dude, cool... heh heh heh..." he said woozily.   
"He doesn't even care!" I said, pouting.   
"I think it's just an after-effect." Yumi said. "He'll get over it. Come on now, let's go."   
  
Through the next door was a long, long hallway full of mirrors of all shapes and sizes.   
"Mirrors... heh heh heh... aren't they lovely?" said Link dreamily.   
"What's he smoking?" I asked Yumi.   
"Nothing. OK now... Before you go forward, let me check out all these mirrors to make sure that none of them are evil ones."   
Yumi took off down the corridor, and reappeared a few minutes later. "Nope, all's well. But there is a big wall of ice at the end of the hall."   
"No problem!" I said, holding up the F/I/L Rod.   
I raced off down the hall, expecting Link to be right behind me. Wrong.   
He was fixated on Yumi's glowing. "Purdy..." he said blankly.   
"Heeyyyy, eyes off!" Yumi said, snapping her fingers and extinguishing her glow. "That guy just dropped 40 IQ points..."   
"Come on Link," I said, feeling like the babysitter for the first time on this trip.   
I dragged Link down the hallway and we finally reached the ice wall.   
"Purdy..." giggled Link stupidly.   
I studied the F/I/L Rod until I found a tiny red button on the side. I pointed the top of it at the wall and WHOOSH! A stream of fire whooshed out and reduced the wall to a puddle.   
"COOOOOOOOOL..." Link murmured.   
"What's so cool? You have arrows that can do that," I said, rolling my eyes.   
On the other side of the door was another long hallway full of mirrors. At the end was a big wall of light.   
Yumi did another mirror check, and told me it was safe to go. I grabbed Link and dragged him down the hallway, and up to the light wall.   
"How do I do this?" I asked Yumi.   
"Well, Ice is weakened by Fire," Yumi began. "So Light must be weakened by one of them."   
"Let's try this," I said, pressing the little blue button. A rush of ice shot out of the rod and the barrier disappeared.   
"Hey... wait a sec! Light isn't weakened by ice! What kind of screwed up weapon is this?"   
"Don't ask questions about it, or it'll kick out when you most need it." Yumi said wisely.   
I bet you can guess what was behind that wall. Yep. A big hall of mirrors with a barrier of fire at the end.   
Yumi once again told me the hallway was safe, and the wonked-out hero and I raced down to the other end of the hallway.   
"So, by process of elimination, light must weaken this door." I said.   
"Good boy. You get a treat," laughed Yumi.   
"I wanna treat!" whined Link.   
"I wish he would just go back to normal already..." I groaned as I blasted the wall with light.   
The wall crumbled like the others, and I pulled Link through the doorway to find ourselves in a long room with a big staircase at the far end, leading up to a big door.   
"OOH... Looks important!" I said.   
"Uh oh..."   
"What's uh oh?" I asked Yumi.   
"Link's all weirded out... What if this is Dark Cerena?"   
"I can take her!"   
"You don't know that," Yumi said. "I'm worried about you all by yourself. I'm going to give Link a talk."   
Yumi grabbed Link and pulled him over to her. "ALL RIGHT BUB! Listen up! We have a brainwashed Author Sage to save here! And I don't care if you just got the crap kicked out of you by a big evil dinosaur! You're gonna help Doseki defeat her with no questions asked! OR ELSE!"   
Link didn't say anything. He just kind of giggled.   
Yumi rolled her eyes. "I did the best I could..."   
"It's all right, Yumi..." I said. "After all, after Cerena, there's the Truthmaster, and that'll be the last bad guy I'll ever have to beat! I need to triumph now, or be a loser forever!"   
Boy, was I wrong.   
  
Up the stairs and through the door, we were met by the same kind of room that had had all of the inscriptions on it earlier in the temple. And we could hear the familiar beat of the Goron International Anthem playing on a flute from the far end of the room, in a big area of shadow.   
"There she is!" I said, pointing at the mysterious flautist.   
A pair of gleaming purple eyes appeared in the shadow. "YENRAB was weak against your power... But I shall not suffer the same fate as him!"   
"That's for sure. You get to be an Author Sage!" Yumi said.   
"The Author Sages? HA! The mere idea that I am an Author Sage. They are weak against the power of my master, and his master too, the great creator of this virus! And just to prove how weak they are, I will defeat you in the name of all that is not Author-Sagey!"   
"'Sagey' isn't a word," Yumi said matter-of-factly.   
The voice growled deeply, and then leaped out of the shadows. Dark Cerena stood before us! She was wearing a green Kokiri-ish dress, with her red hair in its normal style, and a black chain around her right wrist. What else is new?   
"Oh look how cute!" Link murmured. "A girl with evil powers! Looks like we'll all be crushed into a pulp! Oh well..."   
Yumi flashed yellow. "We know the drill. This is Dark Cerena, the evil Mistress of Truth... She attacks with blasts of energy, like Barney did... but three of the attacks aren't really attacks at all!"   
"Huh?" I said, very confused.   
"Say she blasts out four attacks. Only one of them can actually hurt you!" Yumi said.   
"Oh. I get it! What's her weak point?"   
"See that thing on her head?"   
"Uh... a headband?"   
"Yeah. It changes from red to blue to yellow. You hit her with fire if it's blue, ice if it's yellow, and light if it's red."   
"Got it," I said, just as Dark Cerena unleashed a blast of purple energy.   
"EEEEK!" I squealed, leaping out of the way. Link just stood there stupidly.   
Cerena let go three more blasts, and I ran away from each one.   
"Doseki, no, no, no!" Yumi said. "I told you, only one of them is real! The others are fake, and if they hit you, they'll just disappear. No pain! Understand?"   
"But how do I know which ones?" I asked.   
"Uh... er... um..." Yumi said, scratching her head.   
Suddenly, a blast of purple energy exploded feet away from us, throwing both Yumi and me backwards into the wall.   
"OW!" we both yelled.   
"That one... was real..." Yumi mumbled.   
"Link! We could REALLY use some help here!" I cried angrily.   
He was busy watching the colored light show going on.   
"Come on, Link! We can't do it alone!" I shouted.   
I stood up, and watched Cerena blast me some more. So those ones were fake... that meant the next one... OWWWW!   
  
I rolled over against the wall and stayed there.   
"Come on! Get up, Doseki!" Yumi cried.   
"If I stay here, she won't hurt me..." I protested weakly.   
Sure enough, Dark Cerena laughed at me. "HAHAHAHAHAA! Weakling! Now watch while I take care of your friend!"   
"WATCH OUT!" Yumi screamed to Link.   
All I saw was a big purple explosion and all I heard was a grunt of surprise out of the confused hero.   
I didn't see him get up.   
"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" laughed Cerena. "DON'T YOU FOOLS REALIZE THAT EVIL WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN GOOD BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB?"   
I stood up. "Come on! Bring it on, girl!"   
BANG! I was on the floor again.   
"YUUUUMIII!" I wailed. "How can I tell which ones are real?"   
"I don't know!" she said. "The Lens of Truth is with Link... try the Optical Glass of False!"   
"THAT SCREWY THING? It doesn't even work!" I whined.   
"Just do it!" she said.   
I pulled out the Optical Glass of False and looked through it. Marlon Brando was fluttering around my head, and a sheep was in Dark Cerena's place. I was standing in a discotheque, too. The sheep fired a purple blast of energy at me.   
"EEEIA!" I gasped, stepping out of the way. But it didn't seem to do anything at all but hit the floor and vanish.   
The sheep fired two more purple rays, and then a gigantic hot dog appeared in her hands and she tossed it at me as hard as she could.   
The hot dog hit the floor and exploded, throwing me backwards against the wall.   
"OWW!" I whined. Suddenly, I realized the secret of the Optical Glass of False.   
"Yumi! I get it! When she fires fake beams at me, it shows them as real purple thingys that hurt, because that's what they're NOT!" I grinned, very proud of myself. "And when she throws a real beam, it looks like a hot dog because that's what it's NOT!"   
Yumi hovered in the air, her hands on her hips. "That made no sense whatsoever."   
"Sorry. But I get it now!" I said.   
I flipped back up, and when Dark Cerena tried to fire another blast at me, I held still and stared at her color-changing thing. It was blue.   
"Take this, you mean old thing!" I cried, blasting the evil Truth Sage with a burst of fire from the F/I/L Rod.   
Dark Cerena became VERY angry with me... She charged up a huge blast, and a quick check with the Optical Glass proved it to be fake. I blasted the now-yellow headband with a cloud of misty ice.   
It appeared I was doing a good job. But I had never counted on Cerena doing what she did next.   
Behind Cerena was a big door. She glared at me evilly, and backed up until she passed through the door and it shut behind her.   
  
"Uh... Where did she go?" I asked Yumi worriedly.   
"I have no clue... she's the evil one here." Yumi shrugged.   
A few seconds later, the door from the back swung open again, and the shadowy eyes appeared again.   
"I am the terror that snores in the night!" screamed Dark Cerena. "I am that one girl at the movies who just can't hold still! I- am DARK CERENA ON SPANISH INSANITY JELLO!"   
Yumi squealed. "NOOO! NOT SPANISH INSANITY JELLO!"   
"Huh?" I said, kinda confused.   
Dark Cerena slammed the door behind her and stepped into the light. She was holding a small hospital food cup full of something green and squishy.   
"IT'S THE SPANISH INSANITY JELLO!" Yumi shrieked. "One bite will make you go absolutely bonkers! I really hope she doesn't eat any!" Yumi added, just as Dark Cerena ate some. "Oh crap..."   
Dark Cerena's eyes got the look of someone who has just smacked his or her head into a tree in front of a large crowd of people, and then she raced in to attack me.   
"YIKES!" I screamed.   
She was kicking and punching and hitting up a sword, and I was trying not to get the crap beat out of me. I wasn't doing a very good job...   
Finally, Dark Cerena grabbed me by the shirt and threw me across the room into the wall.   
"OWWW!" I whined.   
She came over and did it again. I was back where I had been before.   
Then she stomped over and grabbed me by the hair, grinning evilly.   
"NO, PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER IF YOU STOP HURTING ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shrieked.   
Dark Cerena charged up a big huge blast, and got ready to hit me. I had a feeling that this one was NOT fake...   
Yumi smacked into Dark Cerena's head to try and get her to leave me alone. "GO! AWAY!" she yelled.   
Seconds later, Yumi was tied up with Dark Cerena's headband and thrown on the ground next to me like a piece of garbage.   
"Sorry, Dosek..." she said sadly.   
"Me too..." I answered sadly.   
We were about ready to get blown to bits, when I heard rustling from one corner of the room. What could it be?   
Dark Cerena was only distracted for a minute. A few seconds later, she was all ready again.   
And just as Cerena prepared to throw the blast, we heard a familiar grunty noise and the sound of boots scraping the floor.   
"What's that?" snapped Dark Cerena. She turned around in time to see an all-too familiar black swirl rise into the ceiling, and a single pebble land at her feet.   
Suddenly, the room was filled with hundreds of tumbling rocks coming in from nowhere. They crashed to the floor and into Cerena, breaking into pieces and vanishing.   
"OW! OW! OW! OW! WHAT MISCHIEF IS THIS?" she shouted.   
It was lucky Dark Cerena was standing over us. Or Yumi and I might have been crushed by the falling rocks.   
The Meteo Spell! That meant...   
LINK!   
  
Dark Cerena was unconscious by the time the meteors stopped falling. I stood up slowly, and there he was in all his heroic glory: Link was standing behind Dark Cerena's fallen form, hands on his hips and a big grin on his face.   
"Take that, you creep," he laughed, as the black chain vanished.   
"LINK! You're not a brain-dead idiot anymore!" I cried.   
"Of course not." Link said frankly. "You think a dinosaur can take me down?! HA!"   
"I killed him!" I said proudly. "I got Barney all by myself!"   
"Great job," he replied. "I really appreciate it. It's not fun singing the 'I Love You' song all day..."   
The Villain Formerly Known As Dark Cerena got to her feet, her eyes glowing purple. "Moo..." she murmured. And then she floated aimlessly through the wall in the back of the room.   
"There she goes!" Link said. "It's time for me to get my revenge on that jerk 'Truthmaster' for siccing his big dumb dinosaur on me..."   
"YOU GUYS!" shrieked a small voice. "COULD SOMEONE PLEEEEEASE UNTIE ME? IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE!!?!?!?!?"   
"Oops... Sorry, Yumi," I said sheepishly as I untied my poor fairy.   
A treasure chest rose out of the floor near the door Dark Cerena went through.   
  
LINK (KINDA...) AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE TRUTH KEY! IT'S AN IRON KEY WITH THE SYMBOL OF THE LENS OF TRUTH ON THE END, AND IT UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO THE LAIR OF THE TRUTHMASTER! OOOOOOOH! YOU GOT IT WHEN YOU KICKED DARK CERENA'S SHINY HINEY.   
  
Link pushed the back door open. "Follow that zombie-like author!" he shouted triumphantly.   
  
I followed Link through the door, where I found him standing in disbelief staring at what was around us.   
We were on a narrow platform next to the last door, and another tiny platform like ours was on the other side of the room, next to another door. A narrow plank connected them. And below the plank was a giant sea of chunks of green, jiggly, glowing jello.   
"Holy freakolé!" I screamed. "Is that where Cerena got the Spanish Insanity Jello?"   
"Must be," said Yumi. "All right... the boss door is behind that door over there. We're got to get over there without touching the jello. The last thing we need is one of you to go insane."   
Link nodded. "'K. I'll go first..." he said. He warily stepped out onto the plank and took a few steps.   
"Uh..." I stammered.   
"What?" asked Yumi.   
"Do you remember the last time we did this?" I asked.   
"Energy Temple? Yeah."   
"Do you remember what I did?"   
"Do you remember hitting the invisible floor a foot away from the plank?" asked Yumi sweetly.   
"Well, there is no floor here." I said.   
Link snorted as he walked across. "Doseki, if I have to drag you across another high spot, I'll..."   
"Coming!" I cried quickly.   
I waited until Link reached the other side, and then I walked across the plank as fast as I could. "PHEW!" I said when I finally reached the other side.   
"See?" asked Link smugly. "Was that so bad?"   
"Not really," I said. "Come on. We're almost done with the last temple! Let's go!"   
  
We found ourselves on the other side of the room where Link had crashed into the wall earlier. We could reach the boss key door!   
Link stuck the key in the lock, and got ready to turn it. "OK, before we battle this boss, anybody got any questions?"   
"Yeah... where's the nearest restroom?" I asked sheepishly.   
"Back at my house," Link said, rolling his eyes. "Any other questions?"   
No one said anything.   
"OK. Now, let's get ready to go and kick the butt of that big, stupid..." Link began, opening the door.   
As soon as the door swung open, we could see the ominous form of the boss standing across the room, which looked a lot like the mirror room at the beginning.   
We could see its amazing muscles...   
We could see its gleaming white horns...   
We could see its markings on its white coat...   
We could see its cud and its udders...   
Huh? Cud and Udders?   
"Moo," said the boss.   
"... kick the butt of that big, stupid... COW?" Link gasped.   
  
COW: LOATHSOME LYING LIVESTOCK   
  
"MOO!" said COW.   
We raised our eyebrows. "The Truthmaster is a COW?" Link said in disbelief.   
"Wow... who would have guessed?" chuckled Yumi.   
Suddenly, COW's horns began to glow red. "MOO!" screamed the cow, firing a blast of fire at us.   
"EEEEEK!" I yelled, leaping out of the way. Link went the other way.   
Turns out that that was one angry cow. We hardly had time to think before it was blasting beam after beam of fire, ice, and light. Each blast left a big dent in the wall. I hated to think what would happen if one hit us.   
"How do we kill it?" I asked Yumi.   
"Its horns change colors! Just like Dark Cerena's headband... But the problem is getting to stop trying to hurt us before we can hit it!"   
I nodded. The COW sure was blasting a lot. "What'll stun it?"   
"I... don't know," Yumi shrugged. "You're the hero here."   
"No, LINK'S the hero here!" I protested.   
"I'm on it!" he shouted from across the room.   
Link had pulled out his bow, and was trying to fire arrows at the COW. But they only seemed to be making it angry.   
"Uh... Gimme a minute!" he cried.   
Suddenly, the COW stood back on its back legs. It let out a mighty "MOO!" and... began shooting milk at us.   
"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Yumi groaned.   
"At least it's not cheese," I laughed.   
She hit me.   
"That's French Insanity Milk! It'll make you go koo koo if you touch any of it."   
When the cow got done spraying its... ewww... milk all over the place, it sat there on the ground for a minute, panting. It was tired!   
"The horns are red! Quick, get it!" Yumi cried.   
I fired a blast of light at the evil COW, and it mooed in rage.   
The COW aimed straight at me with its horns, and tried to blow me away. I leaped to dodge, and the beam sent the wall crumbling.   
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEYIYIYIYIYIYIIII!" I shrieked, racing away from the evil cow.   
"Good one!" Link laughed. "Here, gimme that! I wanna give that baby a try!" he said.   
I threw him the F/I/L Rod and he saluted. That's when the cow stood on its back legs again.   
"Oh no..." Yumi gasped. "More milk!"   
But Yumi had no reason to worry. Because what the COW was shooting at us was actually thicker than milk. It was cream.   
"EWWWW! BOHEMIAN INSANITY CREAM!" she cried. "Same thing as French Insanity Milk."   
"This is getting grody..." I whined.   
When the COW ran out of dairy products, its horns turned blue and it took a big drink of Gatorade out of a bottle it pulled out of nowhere.   
Link fired a blast of fire at the COW, and the singed COW mooed in rage.   
The COW fired some more fire, ice, and light beams, but it appeared that the disgruntled farm animal (Get it? DisGRUNTled? Farm animal? AAHAHAHA!) was out of tricks.   
Boy, were we wrong.   
After a few waves of German Insanity Chocolate, Danish Insanity Butter, American Insanity Cheese, and Irish Insanity Ice Cream, the COW appeared to have been defeated.   
But then something we didn't expect happened. The COW made the noise of someone hocking up a loogie, and then with a mighty PATOOOIE- pasted me to the wall with a giant, slimy lump of twice-chewed grass.   
"AWWWWW, GAAAAWWSH!" I groaned. "THIS IS DISGUSTING! THIS IS JUST PLAIN SICK!"   
"Hold on, Dosek! I'm almost done with it!" Link yelled.   
The COW tried to cud Link to the wall, but the hero was too fast for the ferocious farm freak. Link blasted the COW with a beam of ice, and the freakish furry fiend gave a final moo and went off to the big pasture in the sky.   
A warp portal appeared in the middle of the floor, and Link was performing what I THINK was his victory dance.   
"HEEEYYY! GET THIS DISGUSTING THING OFF OF ME!" I cried.   
"Oh. OK, no prob," said Link. He slowly burned off the cud with the F/I/L Rod, and the three of us triumphantly strolled to the warp portal.   
  
  
  
  
**HERE THEY ARE, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN... LINK AND LL/DOSEKI, THE HEROES!**   
  
"WOOO!" cheered the five Author Sages as Link and I lowered into the Chamber of Sages.   
"I can't believe it!" Jigglypuff grinned happily. "You guys really did it! All six Author Sages are awake!"   
"Er, not yet." Link said.   
"Hey, before we keep going, does anyone mind if I change?" I asked.   
"Go ahead," said Zel.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
**I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I WAS SO NERVOUS ABOUT YOU TWO GOONS GOING OUT TO SAVE THE WORLD... AND IT TURNS OUT, YOU REALLY DID AWAKEN ALL THE SAGES!**   
  
"Not yet!" Link yelled.   
  
**QUIT YELLING AT DESTINY, FOO!**   
  
"Oh. Sorry," Link murmured. "So Destiny... considering that we did what you asked us to, could you reveal to us your true identity?"   
  
**WHAT?**   
  
"You know. Like Sheik did?" he said smugly.   
"Link, Sheik only showed us what's below his mask!" I said. "He didn't have a secret identity."   
"Well, Destiny must have one!" protested Link.   
"Liiiink..." warned Wintyr.   
  
**NO LINK, I DON'T HAVE A SECRET IDENTITY. THIS IS ME. REALLY. I REALLY HAVE NO BODY AND YOU CAN ONLY HEAR MY VOICE.**   
  
"Really? Are you sure?" asked Link. "How do you know you don't have a body?"   
  
**ONE DAY I LOOKED DOWN AND THERE WAS NOTHING THERE.**   
  
"Oh," said Link. "Just checking."   
Chica and GG rolled their eyes.   
  
**ALL RIGHT PEOPLE, QUIET DOWN, QUIET DOWN... NOW, I WANT YOU ALL TO GIVE A VERY WARM WELCOME TO THE SIXTH AND FINAL AUTHOR SAGE, CERENA, THE SAGE OF TRUTH!**   
  
A purple glow rose from the final Sage circle, and Cerena appeared. Back in her normal clothes, with her normal hair and her normal, not-glowing eyes.   
"HEYYEEEEE!" she grinned. "You guys are great!"   
"Thank you," smiled Yumi.   
"I can't believe I was imprisoned by... A COW!" Cerena cried in disbelief.   
"Don't feel bad," said Chica. "I was imprisoned by a lunch bag."   
"I was imprisoned by a pair of dental hygienists," Zel cut in.   
"I was imprisoned by some fat kid in my band class," GG piped up.   
"I was imprisoned by... a witch?" said Wintyr weakly.   
"No way. You actually had a cool, really evil boss, Wintyr." Zel said. "Sorry."   
Wintyr snapped her fingers.   
"Anyway," continued Cerena, "I wanted to thank you for braving Barney and the Jello and the Cream and all that crap to rescue me,"   
"It's my... OUR job," Link said, throwing me a smile.   
"Now I need my Rod back. I'll trade you," she said, holding out a small pen that looked just like the F/I/L rod.   
I took the pen from her, and Cerena smiled and patted her beloved Fire/Ice/Light Rod.   
"And so," said Cerena dramatically, "It is my privilege and pleasure to present you with this, my medallion."   
Cerena held up her hands and the neon purple medallion tumbled to the ground.   
  
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI GOT THE TRUTH MEDALLION! CERENA AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION FOR A BIT. YOU CAN USE IT TO CALL HER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... HEY! YOU FINALLY GOT ALL SIX SAGE MEDALLION! SCHA-WEEEET!   
  
  
**OH, AND BY THE WAY LINK... YOU DIDN'T DO WHAT I ASKED YOU TO.**   
  
"WHAT?" he gasped. "But we awakened the six Author Sages! We did what you asked. Offer void, contract terminated!"   
  
**I DO BELIEVE THAT MY EXACT WORDS WERE: "YOU BOTH NEED TO WORK TOGETHER AND COOPERATE TO AWAKEN THE AUTHOR SAGES AND SAVE HYRULE FROM REDUNDANCY!" ALL YOU DID WAS AWAKEN THE AUTHOR SAGES. I DIDN'T SEE YOU DO ANYTHING TO SAVE HYRULE FROM REDUNDANCY.**   
  
"You mean..." I said, "We have to do something else too?"   
"Sorry, LL..." said GG. "But you're not done yet!"   
  
**THAT'S RIGHT. YOU TWO MUST TRAVEL TO THE TEMPLE OF TIME IN THE CASTLE TOWN... AND YOU MUST DEFEAT THE VIRUS'S CREATOR IN BATTLE!**   
  
"Ganondorf, right?" said Link glumly.   
  
**ERRR, MAYBE.**   
  
"Come on! Can we PLEASE just find out who started the virus already?" begged Link.   
  
**I REALLY COULDN'T TELL YOU. ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT THE VIRUS'S CREATOR HAILS FROM A DESERT, AND HAS GERUDO BLOOD IN HIM.**   
  
"Well THAT totally gave it away." Link said, rolling his eyes.   
  
**SHAAAADDDUP! ANYWAY, REMEMBER THAT AWESOME TREASURE I TOLD YOU ABOUT? THE ONE THAT FORMS WHEN ALL SIX AUTHOR SAGES ARE AWAKENED?**   
  
"Yeah," I said. "What is it?"   
  
**OK, AUTHOR SAGES. DO YOUR STUFF!**   
  
All six of the Author Sage's circles began to glow, and they did what was like an "Author Sage Sound-Off".   
"Galaxy!" cried Galaxy Girl.   
"Energy!" shouted Chica.   
"Dance Dance Revolution!" yelled Jigglypuff.   
"Randomness!" screamed Sailor Zel.   
"Emotion!" cried Wintyr.   
"Truth!" yelled Cerena.   
  
Suddenly, a blue, lime green, dark green, lavender blue, white, and neon purple light shot out of the ceiling of the Chamber of Sages, and surrounded Link, Yumi and me.   
"Coool..." I drooled.   
A golden object appeared in the light above us, and when the colors and light faded, it remained floating there.   
  
**THE TREASURE OF THE AUTHOR SAGES IS... THE MIGHTY LAPTOP OF AUTHORNESS!**   
  
And that's exactly what it was. A shiny, brand new laptop computer... complete with snack bar, color-changing mouse pad, and crammed full of disk space!   
"OOOOOH..." Link, Yumi and I whispered.   
  
**AFTER ALL, WITH A SIMPLE LAPTOP, ANYONE CAN CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF A STORY.**   
  
"What about the Mighty PENCIL of Authorness?" asked Yumi.   
  
**NO, A LAPTOP IS COOLER.**   
  
"Ah." said Link. "It's all well and good, but how is that office paperweight going to help LL and me defeat Ganondorf?"   
  
**FIRST OF ALL, NO ONE EVER SAID IT WAS GANONDORF! AND SECOND OF ALL, WATCH YOUR MOUTH! THE LAPTOP OF AUTHORNESS IS NOT A PAPERWEIGHT! WITH IT, THE AUTHORS CAN ALL COLLABORATE A WAY TO GET RID OF THE BAD GUY ONCE AND FOR ALL!**   
  
"So why do we have to defeat him?" shot back Link.   
  
**HE'S WAY TOO STRONG FOR THE AUTHOR SAGES TO JUST WRITE HIM OUT OF THE STORY. YOU NEED TO WEAKEN HIM SO THAT EVEN HIS POWER CAN'T PUT HIMSELF BACK IN THE PLOT.**   
  
"Oh." I said. "I get it."   
"But before you go," said GG quickly. "There's one more thing you guys need. In order to summon us, the Author Sages in the midst of battle, or to summon the Laptop, you need this song."   
"Another song? Oh joy!" I cried.   
"This," said Chica. "Is the Ritornello of Author-Ism."   
"What's a Ritornello?" I asked.   
"It's a song, LL." Jigglypuff said.   
"Oh."   
"With this song, you can call us all for any reason. Use the medallions for one on one calling. But this is like a conference call," explained Zel.   
"You can play it anytime. But it's kinda expensive, so we can only respond to it three times. So save it for when you really need it." Wintyr added.   
"And only one of you needs to play it. It's not a group affair," finished Cerena.   
With that, the authors all pulled out their own instruments. GG had a shiny gold alto sax, and Chica had a pretty black oboe. Jigglypuff somehow managed a drum set, and Zel had a xylophone, with a large pair of cymbals strapped to the side. How Wintyr managed to fit a keyboard (the musical kind) in her pocket, I'll never know. And Cerena had a lovely flute.   
Then, with all the quality of a mismatched rock band, the Author Sages pounded out this:   
  
________________________________________^________   
________________________________________   
_________________________________________________   
_______________A__________A______________________   
  
  
  
Link and I matched it, and we jammed.   
  
**ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WE GET THE IDEA.**   
  
The Author Sage's instruments vanished, and the light of the warp portal reappeared around Link, Yumi and me.   
  
**ALL RIGHT GUYS... ARE YOU READY?**   
  
"NO!" I yelled.   
"Don't worry, LL. You'll be fine!" said GG reassuringly. "Good luck."   
"Double good luck," added Cerena.   
"Definitely," nodded Wintyr.   
"May the Shwartz be with you!" said Zel.   
"Go for it!" Chica grinned.   
"And win one for the Gipper!" shouted Jigglypuff.   
The female Author Sages stared at him.   
"WHAT?" he cried in dismay.   
  
**YEAH... GOOD LUCK YOU GUYS... THIS IS THE LAST TIME I CAN TALK TO YOU BEFORE... THE FIGHT. SO, WIN ONE FOR ME, OK?**   
  
"DESTINY!" I gasped. "YOU'RE THE GIPPER?"   
If Destiny had had hands, she would have slapped herself in the head. Instead we heard a dejected sigh.   
  
**JUST... GOOD LUCK.**   
  
"Thanks," said Link.   
"Don't worry, guys!" I said triumphantly. "We won't let Hyrule down! Or the authors!"   
"That punk'll never know what hit him!" said Yumi.   
"This'll be the last big fight... we're going to prove once and for all who's the tough one around here!" Link said.   
  
**THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF...** sighed Destiny, as the Chamber of Sages faded from around us.   
  
  
  
WOWEEEE! So many questions have been answered in this chapter! But we still don't know who the bad guy is... is it really Ganondorf, AGAIN? Or is it someone else who just happens to be a male Gerudo? Naaaaah...   
The action is really getting going now! Will Link, LL and Yumi be able to stop the evil from screwing up Hyrule? Will everyone have to relive the past over and over again? Aren't both those questions kind of the same? THE SUSPENSE IS SO THICK YOU COULD CUT IT WITH A KNIFE!   
  
Stay tuned for the next action-packed chapter:   
  
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE HYRULE   
  
-or-   
  
I SMELL A CLIMAX COMING ON!


	16. BIG Trouble In Little Hyrule

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors   
by Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE HYRULE -or- I SMELL A CLIMAX COMING ON!   
  
A/N: You'll notice that the next few chapters are going to be a lot shorter than the last ones. I'm trying to make it to 20 chapters before I end the story, so that's why. And besides, cliffhangers are a GOOD thing at this point in a story...   
  
Disclaimer: The places and characters in this fic (with the exception of Galaxy Girl and Doseki) do not belong to me, they belong to Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto. The authors in this fic appear there by their own request in most cases, and I don't own them either. No insult is intended to the authors who appear herein.   
  
  
  
Wow, what an exciting chapter last time! Link, Yumi and I entered the Truth Temple and battled Barney, our own reflections, and even a giant cow to save Cerena, the Sage of Truth. Now all six Author Sages are awakened, and they presented us with the Mighty Laptop of Authorness, the only weapon powerful enough to send Ganondorf (Or whoever) back to where he came from and to turn things back to normal. After learning the Ritornello of Author-Ism, Destiny sent us off to the Temple of Time, where we'll have to fight the bad guy so that the authors can turn everything normal. But it can't be that easy... can it?   
  
  
  
"We're gonna get the bad guy now, today! Today!" I sang.   
"We're gonna get the bad guy now, hooray! Hooray!" Yumi added.   
"WE'RE GONNA GET THE BAD GUY NOW! WE BEAT HIS BOSSES AND EVEN THE COW!"we both belted out at the top of our lungs.   
"AND WE WON'T LET HIM keep going with his bad. Stuff he does. And why not? Just because! Boom, boom, boom, BOOM, boom, boom, boom..." I finished. "Come on Link, why aren't you singing?"   
"Because I don't feel like it," he said gruffly.   
"Oh. Sorry," I apologized.   
"No, no, don't be. It's not you. I'm just a little nervous," Link replied.   
"For what?"   
"FOR WHAT? We're about to fight the big bad guy! The fate of all Hyrule is in our hands! One wrong move, and... KABOOM!" he said dramatically.   
I stopped dead in my tracks. "Gulp... ONE wrong move?"   
"One wrong move," he said.   
Suddenly, I didn't feel like singing so much either.   
  
Link, Yumi and I were trekking across Hyrule Field, heading towards the castle town, and the Temple of Time. Destiny had told us that there, we would find out who was causing all the trouble and get rid of him once and for all. I was a Goron, in case you were wondering.   
With all six Sages awakened, we figured that we were done. Wrong. Now Destiny oh-so-calmly tells us that we have to beat the bad guy, too.   
The cloud over Death Mountain was getting bigger. And the sky was getting cloudy, like it was going to rain. Every time it rained in Hyrule, that meant something bad was going to happen. Ah, the curse of a video-game life...   
  
Except for the clouds, everything seemed normal. Oh, except for the fact that the field was overrun with authors.   
Misty Dawn was back again. "RUNNING GIRL, AWAYYYY!" she shrieked as she raced by us.   
Kain was strolling around in a big hat and a large book of poetry. "I think that I shall never see a sight as lovely as a tree..." he said, in a very dignified voice.   
Ros51 was another of the poor souls who thought she was a horse. She was "Galloping" across the plains, making neighing noises. She stopped near us and stared at Link stupidly. "NEEEEIGH!" she giggled. Then she galloped off again.   
We could hear screaming not long after Ros galloped off, and Gamoid came running up behind her dressed up like the big fat guy from Lon-Lon Ranch... I seem to have forgotten his name. "A-GIT BACK HERES, YA BIG DUM GALOOT!" squealed Gamoid.   
"It's about time someone did something about these authors..." Link said, rolling his eyes.   
I nodded. "Yeah... And it looks like it's gonna be us..."   
Suddenly, there was a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder.   
"EEEK!" I gasped. "Oh... oh, it's just the lightning... phew..."   
"What time is it?" asked Yumi.   
"It's about 4:00 PM," Link said. "We have... about 9 hours left until everything screws up."   
"Oh, well it'll only be another hour or so to the castle town! We'll have plenty of time!" Yumi sighed.   
"It would seem so... but you never know what the bad guy has waiting for us," Link said, shrugging.   
"You can stop calling him the 'bad guy' now, Link. We all know that it's Ganondorf AGAIN!" Yumi said.   
"We're not sure," I corrected her.   
"PUH!" laughed Yumi. "I'll tell you guys what! I'm so sure that it's Ganondorf, that I will say this: If it's not Ganondorf, may a TV set fall out of the sky and hit me in the head!"   
"You'd better be careful, Yumi..." I said. "You never know what might happen..."   
"Oh sure, LL. A TV set is going to fall out of the sky and..."   
  
CRASH!   
  
That sound was a TV set falling out of the sky and hitting Yumi in the head.   
"YUMIII!" I shrieked. "Link, it squashed her!"   
"YUMI!" he yelled. Link pushed as hard as he could against the TV set, but couldn't budge it. "Hold on, Yumi!"   
"Move it, bucko!" I cried. I pushed Link out of the way and shoved the TV Set off of my poor fairy so it was set upright.   
Yumi was pushed into a hole in the ground in the outline of her. "EASY SQUEASY LEMON PEASY..." she murmured blankly.   
"Oh Yumi! Are you all right?" I asked, pulling her out of the hole.   
"No, it's not night, Mr. Bigglesworth... Say, what's a joint like you doing in a guy like this?" she mumbled.   
"Here," said Link. He pulled a small bottle of Chateau Romani out of his pocket and poured a little of it on Yumi.   
"Bleaaaaah..." she stuttered. "What... w-what happened?"   
"A TV set fell out of the sky and hit you in the head," I said, shrugging.   
"No way!" she gasped. "Are you sure?"   
"There it is," I said, pointing to the 36" color Panasonic just lying there on the grass.   
"Wow... amazing!" said Yumi. "But... that's impossible! Someone must have dropped it!"   
"The... Hey! Look!" cried Link. "There's a VCR built into the TV, and someone duct taped a VHS tape to the TV!"   
Sure enough, someone wanted us to do a little movie watching. On the label of the tape was written, "For my dear beloved enemies- Love, Me."   
"Hey, how could a TV work out here in the middle of nowhere?" I said angrily.   
"There's a solar power panel on the back," said Link, as he slipped the tape into the VCR and turned on the TV.   
  
The screen turned blue for a second, and then we were met with the image of someone sitting in a tall Godfather-movie style chair with their back to us. Er, the back of the chair that is. An arm with black clothing and green skin was resting on the armrest.   
"Well, well, well..." said the guy in the chair in a deep voice. "If it isn't my favorite enemies, Stink and Little Stink!"   
"IT IS GANONDORF!" gasped Link. "I'd know that green slimy hand and that voice anywhere!"   
"That's right, it's me, your old friend Mr. Dragmire... and I suppose you've already figured out that I've been doing a little research on computer programming," laughed Ganondorf, as his arm held up a master's degree from Hyrule State Vocational Technological College. "And I also understand you two have decided that you want to put a stop to my wonderful little creation... I'm afraid I can't allow that..."   
"Yeah, we're gonna stop it all right!" I screamed to no one in particular.   
"Oh sure, you might think you're going to pull another one like you did in the Ocarina of Time, Link..." said Ganondorf. "But I've taken specific measures so that that can't happen..."   
"So he says," said Link bitterly.   
"You both already know that the Six Sages of Hyrule can't help here... Destiny is powerless outside of the Sacred Realm... The superheroes of Earth can't stop me either. You both know very well that only the Author Sages can stop me now."   
"Bet your big green arse!" I snickered.   
"Watch your language," said Link.   
"Whaaat? I said ARSE!"   
Ganondorf laughed. "But can the Author Sages stop me... if I've already stopped them?"   
That statement made my blood run cold. "What? What does he mean?"   
"Just see for yourselves," giggled Ganondorf maniacally. His arm pointed off camera, and we saw exactly what he meant.   
  
All six Author Sages were trapped in their own unbreakable glass booth, and worse, being subjected to horrible annoyances.   
All three of us gasped.   
First there was Cerena, the newest Author Sage, tied to a chair with a big-screen TV blasting Britney Spears videos non-stop.   
"MAKE IT STOPPPP!" she shrieked.   
The announcer on the TV said, "WELCOME BACK TO THE BRITNEY CHANNEL! ALL BRITNEY SPEARS, ALL THE TIME! NEXT UP, WE HAVE A FULL HOUR OF THE 'OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN' VIDEO BACK TO BACK TO BACK!"   
Cerena screamed.   
The most serene of the Sages, Wintyr, didn't appear serene anymore. Poor thing was on a treadmill. A big treadmill. With Teletubby guards right behind her with big sticks. "NO MORE RUNNING!" she screamed. "PLEASE! NO MORE RUNNING!"   
The first of the superheroine pair in the Author Sages, Zel, was immediately next to Wintyr. The Sage of Randomness was in the middle of a 72-hour marathon of every single episode of Sailor Moon that prominently featured Sailor "Chibi" Mini-Moon.   
"The horror..." muttered Zel. "The HOOOOOOOORROR!"   
We couldn't and definitely didn't want to hear poor Jigglypuff. All we saw was a pair of headphones on him attached to a microphone. A Teletubby was holding the microphone, while another Teletubby was sharpening his fingernails on a chalkboard.   
Chica had a TV-screen, like Cerena, but the poor girl was being subjected to a 72-hour marathon of Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot's "Get Ur Freak On".   
I noticed that she had developed a facial tic. Every time she heard that annoying-as-heck sitar beat repeat, her eye would twitch.   
And worst of all... GG was stuck in a dentist's chair. She looked back and forth in horror at the two Teletubbies in lab coats who stood, sharpening their instruments.   
"She no look good," murmured one of the Teletubbies. "What do, doctor?"   
"We scrape teeth," said the other one, holding up a nasty metal scraper. "Then we apply headgear. BIIIIG headgear!"   
Both Teletubbies laughed maniacally, and GG screamed bloody murder.   
  
"That D@$# dirty B@$^@#%!" Link yelled. "He'll pay for this..."   
"I... I..." I stuttered. "WHY??? Why would he want to do that to them? It's not their fault! They're innocent!"   
"You have a lot to learn about people, LL..." said Link angrily.   
The camera turned back to the chair, and we could hear that in Link's words: "D@$# dirty B@$^@#%!" laughing maniacally.   
"Too bad they won't be able to help you," laughed Ganondorf. "Oh... but before you get TOO worked up, I thought I'd mention..."   
The arm reached up and turned over an hourglass. "You have exactly 2 1/2 hours to reach my stronghold in the Temple of Time. If you're not inside and talking to me by then, then I'll be forced to get rid of your little friends..."   
"2 1/2 HOURS? But the virus doesn't start until midnight!" cried Yumi.   
"Oh, and if you're wondering why I don't wait until midnight, I just can't wait that long... The virus will go off at exactly 7:00 PM. SHARP! That's right boys and girl, at 7:00 PM, every author in Hyrule will become a part of the game... Permanently! And time will reset itself, and the two of you will be trapped in the same storyline over, and over, and over again... but no matter what you do, seven years later, everything will start over and I will rule again! MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"   
"That... D@$# dirty B@$^@#%!" screamed Link again. "He's going to pay for this!"   
I was so angry... angrier than I had ever been before. Angrier than when Link called me an idiot... angrier than when Dischord kidnapped GG, angrier than when those punks in Termina tried to slice me up. I was freakin' MAD!   
"That's it..." I said quietly. "Innocence Medallion, Transform!"   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*   
  
I started running towards the castle town. "Come on, Link!" I cried.   
"What do you think you're doing?" asked Link.   
"I'm going to save- OOOF!" I grunted, as I tripped and hit the ground.   
Link raced over to me and helped me up. "I've got a better idea," he said, pulling out his Ocarina and playing Epona's Song.   
The rusty-brown horse appeared in no time flat, and the two of us hopped on, with Yumi on my shoulder.   
Then Link spurred Epona on and we galloped quickly towards the castle town.   
I gazed up at the cloud on Death Mountain.   
Don't worry, GG... I thought. Don't worry Sages... Don't worry authors... Don't worry Hyrule... Link won't let you down, and I won't either!   
  
  
  
Uh oh! Things aren't looking good for our boys... But there are still FOUR MORE CHAPTERS TO GO! PLENTY OF MORE ACTION FOR YOU! THINGS COULD STILL TURN AROUND! Can Link, Little Link, and even littler Yumi save the world from redundancy? Will all of Hyrule be screwed up? Will all of you reading this right now stay trapped in Hyrule forever? ONLY I COULD TELL YOU! Stay tuned for the next chapter of SOIS...   
  
THE SOTAY PHENOMENON   
  
-or-   
  
THE ROAD TO VICTORY


	17. The Sotay Phenomenon

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors   
by Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: THE SOTAY PHENOMENON -or- THE ROAD TO VICTORY!   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any of the characters or places herein with the exception of Galaxy Girl and Doseki. I also made up the extra temples, so ask nicely before you use them. All authors herein don't belong to me, and I'm not trying to insult anyone with their cameos. So PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE don't get mad at me! It's all for the sake of comedy anyway!   
  
Another Disclaimer: I did not make up the concept of the "sotay" (so-TIE). This idea is from the anime show Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040. All Bubblegum Crisis stuff belongs to ADV Anime Productions, and its rightful owners.   
  
  
  
It's me again, LL. OK, last chapter was kinda short, but important anyway. We found out that the bad guy was indeed Ganondorf, and that he had kidnapped all six Author Sages and was forcing them to endure horrible annoyances, like headgear, Britney Spears, and Missy Elliot music! AAAGGGGH! Now Link and I have 2 1/2 hours to reach the Temple of Time before Ganondorf kills the Sages... and only 3 hours until 7 PM, when Ganondorf will unleash the Reality Virus and screw up time as we know it! It's getting exciting now!   
  
  
  
In a mere 45 minutes, we had reached the gates to the great city of Hyrule, the capital of Hyrule and the place where Link and I would duke it out for everyone.   
Link leaped off Epona and patted her nose, then filled up his packs and holsters and things with all of his mighty weapons... the Ocarina of Time... the Longshot... the Megaton Hammer... the Fairy Bow... Ice, Fire, and Light arrows... The Lens of Truth... and a wide selection of spells. Not to mention the mighty Master Sword and Mirror Shield...   
I kinda tripped off of Epona, and once I dusted myself off, I packed up my weird assortment of items. The Spiral Bracelet... the Energy Pen... the DDR wand... the Magical Fax Machine O' Randomness... the Black Dagger of Emotion... and the Fire/Ice/Light Pen. Not to mention the Little Giant and the Bushwhacker. Oh, and the Author Sage medallions, my drum, and the Innocence Medallion.   
And Yumi grabbed herself a couple of aspirin and a tiny thimble full of Chateau Romani.   
"Ready?" asked Link.   
"As I'll ever be..." I groaned.   
"We arrived about... 5:00." Yumi said. "We're making good time! Now we've got a full two hours."   
"That was easy," I said.   
"I think we'd better go talk to Zelda," said Link.   
"WHAT?" gasped Yumi and I.   
"LIIINK! This isn't the time for one of your stupid flirt sessions!" Yumi groaned.   
"NOOO! Why do you always think that? I think we'd better let her in on what's going on. Besides, we have time."   
"But Link!" I wailed. "At 6:30, he's going to get rid of GG and the others! Why don't we just go beat him now?"   
"Because! We need to be prepared," said Link. "And besides, I'd like to know how Ganondorf escaped from the Sacred Realm in the first place."   
  
We raced over the drawbridge and into the familiar marketplace I had seen a million times before. People were racing frantically all over. Oh, except for a couple authors. They stood stupidly in the square, eyeing the cloud over Death Mountain and uttering things like "Oh, will ya look at that thing?" and "I wonder if it's gonna blow..."   
Link pulled me right through the crowd past the gates to the Temple of Time, and towards the castle in the north.   
"But Link-"   
"The gates are locked, Doseki," said Yumi. "We might as well talk to Zelda anyway."   
Two guards stood on either side of the path to the castle, and when Link walked up to them, they bowed and let him through.   
I was another story.   
I was about to pass in between them, but they both crossed their spears in my path.   
"Huh? What are you doing?" I asked.   
"Sorry, son. There's trouble going on right now in town. Only royal family members and their allies are allowed in."   
"I am an ally!" I said.   
The guards eyed each other strangely and shook their heads. "I think you mean you're a citizen," said the other guard. "We're only letting Royal Family members and people like, say, Big Brother Darunia or Princess Ruto through. Only royalty allowed."   
"I am royalty!" I protested. "I'm Little Brother Link of the Gorons!"   
Both guards raised their eyebrows and stared at me. Then they burst out laughing. "Oh, that's a good one, kid... heh heh heh... but we're serious," said the first guard.   
"So am I!" I said. "I'm Little Brother Link of the Gorons! Darunia's son!"   
They didn't laugh that time. "Look kid, enough with the jokes. You're not a Goron! And we all know very well that Link of the Gorons is a Goron."   
Oh... I forgot about that...   
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," said Link diplomatically, pushing back in between the guards. "He's with me."   
"With all due respect, Master Link, we're not letting ANYONE who is not a Royal Family member or an ally through here!"   
"He's telling the truth!" cried Yumi.   
"Link!" I whispered to him. "Should I show them?"   
"No, better not..." he said. "Look guys, we really need to get through here, and fast! PLEASE just let us through!"   
"We have distinct orders, Master Link," said the first guard. "We apologize, but the boy is not a Royal Family member, so we can't let him through. Now, if the Princess were to say he could come in, then he could."   
"I'm telling you, I'm Link of the Gorons!" I yelled. "Really! I have proof! I could tell you things about Darunia no one knows!"   
"Give it up, Doseki," Yumi said. "Just turn into yourself and..."   
"Like his favorite kind of rock is granite!" I shouted. "And his middle name is Flint!"   
"Get this kid out of here!" yelled one of the guards gruffly.   
"And he's not afraid of anything!" I cried. "And he has a special tattoo because he's the Big Brother! It looks like mine!" I pulled up my sleeve to prove it.   
Both guards snapped their heads when they heard me say that. One of them pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and held it up. He glanced back and forth from my arm to the paper, and then whispered to the other guard. "Look! It looks just like the one that Big Brother Darunia has!"   
"Unmistakably..." murmured the other guard.   
"But we were told that only Goron royalty have that one..." pondered the other guard.   
"Mysterious!" murmured the other guard.   
"Terribly mysterious!" murmured the first. "All right... I suppose you can go on through. But for Heaven's sake kid, if the Big Brother of the Gorons finds out you have that, he's gonna be ticked!"   
"Oh, you have NO idea..." I mumbled as I shuffled through the two guards.   
  
"You could have saved us a lot of time if you had just turned back and showed them!" Yumi whined.   
"But then everyone in the market would have run over and started asking questions," Link pointed out.   
We ran up to the gates of the castle, and the guard immediately let Link and me through. We raced up the path, and at the main gates, the guards once again motioned for us to go through. The drawbridge was lowered, and Link stepped onto it.   
"All right, now it's only a little further to Zelda's... WHOA!" he screamed, as a white horse sped past both of us on its way out of the castle.   
We spun around and saw two women on the horse.   
"Hey, wait!" cried Link. "Impa, it's me!"   
The horse immediately stopped, and the woman in the back hopped off of the horse. She had long silky blonde hair and wore a delicate gold tiara, and a white and pink dress. That, of course, was Zelda.   
"Link!" she cried, racing towards us. "Impa, it's all right! It's just Link. And some other guy,"   
"It's me, Zelda!" I said. "Link of the Gorons. Only... OK, it's not me."   
"I already know, Impa told me," Zelda said in a rush. "Link... something terrible is about to happen!"   
"Gee, ya think?" he said.   
Impa led the horse back over to us, and Link got pretty mad. "All right Zelly... I want some answers."   
"ZELLY! How dare you address me in such a manner!" she squealed.   
"Oh, get over it, Zelda." Impa said, rolling her eyes.   
"Listen, Zelda. Ganondorf has escaped from the Sacred Realm and dragged thousands of innocent humans into Hyrule... and six of them are going to be killed in..." he checked his watch. "A half an hour! How did that guy get out? Isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't happen?"   
I was surprised to see Link so mad at Zelda. I mean gee, through the whole trip, it hadn't seemed like he was that upset about the authors. But since that video with Ganondorf...   
"What? Ganondorf escaped!" gasped Zelda. "But that's impossible! There's just no way! I would have known the second it happened..."   
"You mean you didn't know?" Link said in disbelief. "You didn't feel like anything went wrong?"   
"No, I mean... about a week ago, I noticed that something was wrong... like you said, hundreds of authors all brainwashed. But I didn't feel anything with Ganondorf!"   
"How about you, Impa?" asked Link. "You're a Sage."   
Impa shook her head. "No! I didn't feel anything! Aye, when the explosion happened and the authors all appeared, I knew that that was a bad thing... but I couldn't sense anything before the explosion. Not Ganondorf escaping, no weird virus, nothing!"   
"That's what my dad said!" I interrupted. "He said that he didn't feel anything going on at the mountain just before it happened."   
Link scratched his head. "Huh... that's weird... you guys are supposed to feel it if and when Ganondorf escapes... but none of you did! Do you think he did something so you wouldn't know it?"   
"Even he's not that powerful," protested Zelda.   
"Every Sage we've talked to had no idea what was going on... Nabooru said that the authors just appeared, and that she had no clue what could be wrong... Ruto was just as surprised. And Saria too... she didn't know anything was wrong until the authors came." I pondered out loud.   
Yumi shook her head. "It doesn't make any sense..."   
  
Suddenly, the ground was rocked by a huge tremor, and the cloud over Death Mountain started to glow green.   
"HOLY CRAP!" gasped Yumi, staring at her watch. "How did 30 minutes pass so fast?"   
"WHAT?" screamed the other four of us.   
"It's 6:00 right now?" cried Link. "But how?"   
"It's him again!" Zelda said angrily. "He must have caused that tremor to throw off the flow of time..."   
"We only have 30 minutes until Ganondorf kills the Author Sages!" I gasped. "GG!"   
"We've gotta go, guys," yelled Link. "Wish us luck!"   
"Good luck!" cried Zelda.   
Link grabbed me by the arm and dragged me back out the gates and straight down the hillside next to the castle.   
As we ran, I could hear Zelda and Impa talking.   
"There he goes again," said Impa.   
Zelda sighed dejectedly. "Oh, I think I love him..."   
Link rolled his eyes.   
  
Back in the castle town, Link ran up to the guards at the gates to the Temple of Time. "Let us through, NOW!" he demanded.   
"Of course, Master Link..." said the first guard. "But your friend will have to wait here."   
"Only Royal Family members and allies are... ACK!" said the other guard. Link pushed him aside and pulled me by.   
There it was! The majestic Temple of Time!   
"All right, we don't know what kind of stuff he has in there, so we'd better be careful." Link said as we climbed the steps to the Temple.   
"Ready?" asked Yumi.   
"Ready as I'll ever be..." I gulped.   
Link threw open the door of the temple and pointed inside with the blade of his sword.   
"DOO DOO LA DOOT DOO DOOOOOO!" Yumi buzzed.   
"CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!"   
  
We raced inside the Temple, and stared around at the main room.   
"Huh?" I asked.   
All six Author Sages were in their own dentist-office chairs, all laid out around the room. They looked like they were asleep.   
"I don't get it..." Yumi murmured. "Didn't he say he was going to..."   
"Er..." Link muttered.   
"I don't care!" I said triumphantly. "Let's get them out of here."   
I ran over to the chair that held my girlfriend. There was a huge metal orthodontic appliance sticking out of her mouth. Poor thing...   
"GG!" I said. "GG, wake up!"   
Her eyes opened, and she mumbled something. "DOADFSEEUAIGUIA!"   
"Hold still," I said. I held the Little Giant right over the big main wire on the headgear, and sent it slamming down.   
CHINK!   
The wire split in half and fell apart. GG spit out the remaining part of the headgear and coughed. "Doseki! You came back!"   
"Of course!" I said. "We couldn't leave you here. Now, hold your arms still and I'll cut your ropes,"   
She did so, and in a few seconds she was free. GG stood up, and dusted herself off. "Oh, you're too kind..." she said. "But it took you long enough!" she growled.   
I was hurt. "Um, sorry... we came as fast as we could."   
She scowled at me.   
Huh? It wasn't like her to do that...   
I saw Link on the other side of the room, sawing away at Wintyr's ropes.   
Suddenly, something occurred to me.   
Did Ganondorf leave the Author Sages out here because he WANTED us to let them go?   
Then I had a flashback.   
The Galaxy Temple... Link races over to GG to see if she's all right. She grabs his arms, almost breaks it, and slams him into a wall... We then discover that she's evil...   
Uh oh...   
Second after I heard the laugh, I felt myself go flying through the air and into the wall of the Temple of Time.   
SPLAT!   
"OWWW!" I screamed. "Link, don't let them out! They're evil again!"   
Yumi sped over to me. "Are you all right?"   
"Did Link let Wintyr out yet?" I asked.   
His scream was my answer.   
I saw a shadow come over me, and I looked up to see GG standing over me. She didn't look like herself at all. I was surprised that I let such a bad replica of her fool me. Her hair was too dark... it was black, not brown like GG's... and her eyes were bright purple.   
She held her finger out and shook it. "Ah, ah, ah! We musn't disturb Master Dragmire..."   
Then she lifted me by the collar with her little finger and got right in my face. "My, my... you're a naughty boy, aren't you?" Her voice was monotonous and weird.   
We were slowing lifting into the air. She was going to drop me!   
"YUMI! WHAT IS IT?" I cried.   
"I... I can't get a reading!" she said. "Just try and kill it!"   
"What if it really is GG?" I screamed.   
"Do you have a better idea?"   
I looked down and saw Wintyr throwing Link around again. Funny, only two days ago, she was making out with him in the Chamber of Sages...   
GG lifted me higher and higher, and finally, we had almost reached the ceiling.   
"Now I'll teach you a lesson for being naughty!" she screamed.   
I decided to use another battle move that GG had taught me. With my left hand, I put my fingers into the "Peace" symbol, and aimed them straight at GG's eyes, Three-Stooges style.   
She put her free hand up to her nose to block it. "HAHAHAHHA! Don't be stupid!" she laughed.   
Then I quickly turned my hand over and poked her in the left eye.   
"OW!" she shrieked, covering her left eye.   
I poked her in the right eye.   
"OWWW!" she screamed, covering both eyes.   
Then I kicked her in the gut. She yelled in surprise and dropped me.   
"WHOAAA!" I was falling!   
I hit the ground with barely a bruise, and saw the other four Sages struggling to escape their bindings.   
"We've got trouble!" I screamed to Link.   
Wintyr was holding him against the wall, trying to strangle him. "GEE, YA THINK?" he gagged.   
He kicked her in the gut, and she let go long enough for him to take a few slices out of her with his sword.   
Yumi turned yellow and flew down in my face. "I got it!" she screamed. "They're..."   
I heard screaming behind me, and I saw GG come flying at me from behind. I quickly put the Little Giant behind me and...   
"ULP!" screamed GG. She looked down and saw me running her through.   
Then she made a face, gasped, and collapsed to the ground.   
"OH MY LORD!" I screamed when I saw the blood. "I KILLED HER! I KILLED HER! I KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND! OH GG, I'M SORRY!"   
"Get over it, Doseki! It's not really GG! It's a monster called a Sotay!"   
"A WHAT?"   
"A Sotay! Ganondorf created them from the Bubblegum Crisis 2040 series. They're like half humans, half-robots. They're really robots, but they bleed like humans and look exactly like them! They grow, too... Think of them as super-humans. Some of them have superpowers... but these ones are just made to look like the Author Sages."   
I stared at the bad copy of GG. So it wasn't her... phew!   
I turned around at Link, who was in the heart of battle with Wintyr. "LINK! It's not really her! It's a Sotay!"   
Sotay Wintyr stared at Link coldly and said, "Why do you avoid your destiny? We are to kill you... you cannot stop us..."   
"Yeah, right, sister!" Link cried, stabbing Sotay Wintyr. She too, collapsed to the ground.   
"Two down, four to go..." I murmured. Sotay Chica and Sotay Zel snapped through their bindings, and both of them ran after us. Zel was fixated on me, and Chica was after Link.   
"So Yumi, what happened to the REAL Author Sages?" I asked her, as I swung at Sotay Zel.   
"Who ever said that Ganondorf ever captured them?" she replied. "Maybe he just wanted to lure us here so the Author Sotay could get us..."   
I had Zel on the ground, and I was about to get rid of her, when I heard footsteps behind me. Then a pair of arms grabbed me around the neck.   
I recognized the freckle on the pinky of the left hand... Sotay GG was up and running again!   
"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" I screamed at her. Now both superheroine Sotay were racing after me, biting and clawing and generally trying to cause pain.   
"Link!" I cried. "HEEEELP!"   
He couldn't. Sotay Chica was holding him, and Sotay Wintyr was repeatedly kicking him in the groin area. "I GIVE! I GIVE! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!" he shrieked.   
I had an idea... but I had to get the Sotay away from me first!   
"Yumi, help!" I cried. "Distract GG!"   
Yumi nodded and bopped Sotay GG in the face. "Hey stupid! Come and get me!"   
Sotay GG growled and raced after her.   
I threw Sotay Zel to the ground and stabbed her. But I knew she'd be up and around again soon.   
Sotay Cerena and Sotay Jigglypuff had just escaped from their bindings. All right. Enough was enough. As GG would say, "It's arse-kicking time!"   
I pulled out my drum and quickly played the Ritornello of Author-Ism.   
"Author Sages! Get your butts down here, we need help!" I cried.   
Six beams of light came down to the ground, and six seconds later, six Author Sages all appeared.   
"What's... WHOA! It's me!" Cerena gasped.   
"HEY! Why am I beating up Link?" cried Wintyr.   
"Hey, who's that good looking stud over there?" asked Jigglypuff. "He's a little too familiar!"   
"ANOTHER ME?" squeaked Zel.   
"This is like X-Files crap!" Chica cried.   
"What are those?" asked GG.   
I was so relieved to see that the real Authors had been safe the whole time... "Those are Sotay! They're advanced humans, and they look just like you guys! But we only have an hour until the virus goes off, and we can't fight all of them!" I explained quickly.   
"There ain't enough room in the world for TWO Jigglypuffs!" Jigglypuff cried triumphantly. "Let's get 'em, girls!"   
Zel made a noise like Xena, the warrior princess, and the six Author Sages leaped into battle with their bad selves.   
"HEY UGLY!" screamed Chica to her dark self, the one holding Link. Then she made a "Come hither" gesture.   
Sotay Chica immediately dropped her victim and raced over to battle herself.   
Jigglypuff (who was in human form) flipped himself into the air and shrieked, "J-J-J-JIIIGGLYPUUUUUFFF!" There was a puff of smoke, and the author transformed himself into his smaller, pinker, puffier self.   
Sotay Jigglypuff frowned angrily, and flipped himself into the air. "J-J-J-JIIIGGLYPUUUUUFFF!" POOF! Now both Jigglypuffs had taken their Pokemon form to duke it out.   
Wintyr leaped onto her Sotay self's shoulder and started yanking her hair and bashing her head. "HOW DARE YOU PICK ON MY BELOVED BISHIE? YOU JERK!"   
Sotay Wintyr was hissing and clawing to try and get her off. It didn't seem to be working.   
Zel pulled out the Rod of Randomness. Sotay Zel pulled out one just like it.   
"Oh really? You have one too? So then I won't feel bad about doing THIS!" Zel shrieked, as she blasted the Sotay with a Ray of Randomness.   
Sotay Cerena and Cerena stood face to face, neither one moving. Suddenly, Sotay Cerena reached up and slapped Cerena smartly across the face. Cerena scowled, and then slapped Sotay Cerena. Sotay Cerena slapped regular Cerena. Finally, Cerena leaped at her Sotay self and threw her to the ground, and the two proceeded to wrestle.   
Sotay GG and GG also stood face to face. "So... a Sotay, huh?" GG said.   
"Correct," said Sotay GG.   
"You don't have any demonic powers like that Galatea freak on BGC2040, do you?" asked GG.   
"Only your powers, my friend..." replied Sotay GG.   
"Oh good. Because I hate Sotay with demonic powers," said GG.   
"You're such a weakling. I DARE you to attack me," replied Sotay GG.   
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but you're just a big joke..." GG retorted calmly. Then GG pulled out her Galaxy Wand and screamed, "YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, FA-REAAAAAAK!"   
Both superheroine and superheroine Sotay started punching and slapping and blasting each other.   
  
Link stood up, his face bright red. "Owwww..."   
He ran over to me, and we watched the madness as the Author Sages and the Author Sotay took on each other.   
"Ouch... Sotay Jigglypuff just socked Jigglypuff in the jaw..." Link winced.   
"But Jigglypuff just smacked Sotay Jigglypuff upside the head with his little microphone doodad," I replied.   
It was a sight to behold.   
The Zels were executing WWF wrestling moves on each other, without the acting... WHAM! Sotay Zel went right into the altar at the far end of the temple! BAM! Zel herself was whacked against a wall by her evil self. But it was pretty obvious that real Zel had the advantage. Let's face it, it's got to be real to be real random.   
Up in the air, GG and her Sotay counterpart were slamming each other around into walls, ceilings, other Sotay, the other Author Sages, whatever! Not to mention the almost constant shower of fire, light, thunder and water coming from both sides of the fight. A few times, a red caped girl would come slamming into the ground near Link and me, stand up, shake herself off, and then zip back up for some more pounding. I'm pretty sure that it was the Sotay.   
The Chicas probably had the most... vocal argument. Strings of curses and insults flew back and forth as the two Energy Sages whacked the stuffing out of each other. Eventually, they both grabbed their Energy Staffs and proceeded to break quite a few walls.   
Wintyr and Sotay Wintyr were pretty violent, too. Wintyr would explode a huge spell of ice at her evil self, who would send one right back. The spells didn't seem to work, so they started grabbing hair and clawing. Soon Wintyr had her Sotay by the shoulders, and was whacking her into the wall.   
Cerena and Sotay Cerena were down and dirty fighters, whacking heads, arms, shoulders, anything into the floor. Both girls decided that their Fire/Ice/Light Rods were the way to go, so there was even more magic flying around.   
Overall, I bet the most interesting fight was between the Jigglypuffs. Because both of them could turn from Pokemon to human and back, there was constant switching forms to try and gain an advantage. Finally though, two human Jigglypuffs were throwing each other around and punching.   
"We have to do something!" I said to Link.   
"Why? Isn't this interesting?" asked Link.   
"YOU GUYS! WE HAVE HALF AN HOUR LEFT!" Yumi shrieked.   
"HALF AN HOUR???? ALREADY?" Link and I both screamed.   
"The door in the back won't let us through until all the Sotay are dead! You have to help the Author Sages!" Yumi said.   
"What are their weaknesses? Every time we kill them they come back!" Link cried.   
"I've got it now! At the center of every Sotay there is-" Yumi began.   
"A chocolatey Tootsie Roll?" I guessed.   
Yumi smacked me. "NO! A core! The central power center! You guys have been aiming too high on them! If you can find some way to isolate it and destroy it, the Sotay will be deader than doornails!"   
"Got it!" we said.   
The nearest pair to us was Wintyr and Sotay Wintyr. Link raced over to their battle, where Sotay Wintyr was trying to strangle Wintyr against the wall. He screamed, and stabbed Sotay Wintyr with the Master Sword right through her middle. There was an electrical crackle, and Sotay Wintyr dropped to the ground and vanished.   
Wintyr panted and stood up. "Oh THANK YOU, MY BELOVED BISHIE!"   
I noticed Cerena in trouble, not far from Wintyr. Her Sotay was bashing her head into the ground. Ooh, that doesn't feel good...   
"Leave her alone!" I screamed to the Sotay as I got rid of it once and for all.   
Cerena shoved the broken machine off of her, and stood up. "Thanks a ton, D'sek!"   
Link shoved the broken Sotay Jigglypuff away from him, and the real Jigglypuff rubbed his head. "Ow... jerk..."   
Then Jigglypuff pointed out to Link Sotay Chica, ready to run her real self through with the evil Energy Staff.   
Both guys flipped over. Jigglypuff shoved Chica out of the way, and Link broke the Sotay like a plate.   
I body-checked Sotay Zel against the wall, and real Zel got rid of her with another blast of the Randomness Rod aimed straight at her center.   
Then something went flying through the air, slamming into both Zel and me. It was GG!   
"Owie WOWIE!" she groaned. "Oh, sorry guys!"   
She leaped off of us, and I pushed her aside. "I'll get her for you..."   
That nasty Sotay GG took a dive-bomb at her other self, and as she went in for the kill, I went in for the kill on her.   
Sotay GG hit the ground with a CLANK and vanished, and the real GG took a deep breath.   
"Good grief! That was NUTS!" wailed Zel.   
"How noble, Doseki..." GG smiled. "Thank you."   
"I AM THE MAAAAAAN!" Jigglypuff screamed.   
"Go us! Go us!" said Cerena, dancing.   
"MY BISHIE AND GG'S BISHIE SAVED US ALL!" cried Wintyr.   
"Whoa! That means... you guys..." Chica stuttered.   
We all turned our attention up to a voice echoing out of the rafters. It was the same evil voice on the video.   
"Well, well, well... Aren't you all so proud of yourselves? PUH! And my little Author Sotay ruse almost worked, too! But you forget, you have only defeated my Sotay! Now get your shiny hineys through the Door of Time... and meet ME!"   
All six Author Sages started to glow their appropriate colors.   
"Oh... we have to go..." said Wintyr.   
"You guys have to do this on your own!" shrugged Cerena.   
Chica nodded. "But... remember! All you have to do is weaken him so that we can write him out of the story."   
"But no one said that would be easy..." Jigglypuff said.   
Zel scowled at him and nudged his arm. "You'll be fine! Destiny knew what she was doing when she picked you guys,"   
GG and the other slowly faded away, back to the Chamber of Sages where they would wait for Link and me to finish off Ganondorf.   
"Good luck," said GG, and then all the Author Sages were gone.   
  
The big door in the back of the temple behind the altar slowly slid open, and my eyes got huge.   
"I don't wanna go!" I wailed.   
I felt Yumi land on my shoulder. "It's all right, Doseki... Link and I are beside you all the way!"   
"That's what I'm afraid of!" I wailed again.   
Link looked sternly at the now open door and marched towards it, without looking at anything else.   
"Link? What are you doing?" I asked. "Wait for us!"   
"Saving the world!" he snarled. "Come on! Hurry it up! Only 20 minutes until... that."   
  
That sunny Saturday morning one week ago when all this started, I never in a million years would have dreamed that I, Little Link of the Gorons, would have EVER teamed up with my lifelong role model and traveled around the world to save the world!   
I never in a million years would have even considered the fact that I might be a Sage... never mind one that could change into a human!   
I never in a million years would have thought one week ago, that today the destiny of all Hyrule and a thousand or more humans would rest in my hands!   
Naturally, I did not feel very good right at that moment...   
  
I gulped, and slowly walked behind Link. My legs felt like Jello. I was going to fall over, I was going to fall over...   
"I'M SCARED!" I shrieked.   
"Don't be," said Link sternly.   
Every step we took led us closer to the door... behind which stood the evilest guy in the world.   
"No, I don't mean like... water scared, or heights scared... I am TERRIFIED!" I said. "I can't do it... I'm not a hero! I can't handle this!"   
"You are a hero and you CAN handle this!" Link snapped. "Don't you DARE wimp out on me! The last week has more than likely been the weirdest and wildest of your life! You have seen things most people would only think about! And now, wouldn't you love to turn back time so that none of this would ever have happened?"   
"Uh..." I stuttered. "Well... I... No."   
Link stopped. "WHAT?" He spun around. "You would do this whole week over again?"   
"Well... sure!" I said, with sudden confidence. "I mean, you're the coolest Link! It's always been my lifelong dream to be able to watch you in action, beating monsters and stuff! I never thought that I'D be right here with you, doing the same thing."   
Link was shocked. "You really think I'm that cool?"   
"Well I did," I said sheepishly. "Until... well, until I really got to talk with you."   
"Could we save this for another time, boys?" asked Yumi impatiently.   
"No, hold on," said Link. "What do you mean?"   
"Well..." I stuttered. "I mean, all those stories about you were kind of too good to be true... you know, you're nice, and handsome, and heroic, and brave and all that stuff. But then back in Gerudo Valley, when you yelled at me... I realized that you weren't really any different from anyone else. You're not superhuman. You're not perfect. You're just... a normal guy with a cool job."   
Link looked stunned. "I had no idea you looked up to me THAT much."   
"Well I did," I said. "But not so much anymore."   
"I suppose you're right," said Link. "It must have been a big disappointment for you to find out that I'm not that great of a guy..."   
"No, you're even cooler than I thought!" I grinned.   
"WHAT?" Link was shocked. "Now you're really confusing me."   
"I never knew how hard it was to be a hero! So, I found out that you weren't all super, but then I kinda thought that you were, ya know? I mean, because it's harder than it looks. And no wonder you're so cranky sometimes, with the stuff you have to do with your job!" I explained. "Like scary monsters. And not getting enough sleep."   
"And Princess Ruto," added Link, laughing.   
"And her." I shrugged. "But anyway, I guess the point of this is... I think you're even cooler than I did before. And now I want to turn everything back to normal!"   
"Good," said Link. "Now come on."   
"But I'm scared!" I shrieked.   
Link smacked his forehead. "Oy vey..."   
  
After some convincing, Link finally got me to go the rest of the way to the door.   
"I AM a good hero... I AM a good hero..." I murmured.   
"That's right. Now we've got some Gerudo butt to kick!" Yumi said.   
We finally reached the end of the hallway connecting the two rooms of the Temple of Time. We were in a wide open roundish room with lots of windows up top. At the center of the room was a pedestal, and around the pedestal were the seals of all six Hyrule Sages. I saw my dad's, and couldn't help but feel proud.   
Then we saw it, a chair at the far end of the room. The one that Ganondorf had been sitting in on the video.   
We heard a low wicked laugh, and then Link tightened his grip on the Master Sword.   
"ALL RIGHT YOU BRAINLESS SAP-SUCKING JACK@$$'s EXCUSE FOR A COWARD! SHOW YOUR MISERABLE FACE, GANONDORF!" cried Link at the top of his lungs.   
"Yeah!" I yelled after him. "We're going to kick your butt!"   
The wicked laughing stopped suddenly. Then the same deep voice said, "WHAT? What did you call me, Link?"   
Link raised an eyebrow. "A brainless sap-sucking jack@$$'s excuse for a coward?"   
"NO! After that!"   
Now Link was even more confused.   
"Uh... I called you... Ganondorf?" he said.   
We heard a growl from the chair, and then a rip.   
A black object went flying through the air, and it landed next to my foot, shattering.   
I picked it up. It looked sort of like a pager, and on the side was written VOICE CHANGE-O-MATIC 2000.   
Then we heard a new voice. It was a man's voice, but high pitched, and lisping.   
"UGH! Why can't anyone get it RIGHT?"   
"HUH?" all three of us gasped.   
We saw a shadow on the other side of the chair stand up and kick the chair so it spun. Then the shadow stomped to the other side of the chair.   
Standing before us was a very... un-sinister looking man.   
He looked almost exactly like Ganondorf as I remembered him, but different. His hair was bright pink instead of red, and his skin on his face was a pale blue. His armor was not black, but gray.   
"IT'S NOT GANONDORF!" shrieked the man. "IT'S DINGLEDORF! DINGLE! DORF!"   
"DINGLEDORF?" Link, Yumi and I repeated.   
"DINGLEDORF MILTONIA MELVIN FARNSWORTH DRAGMIRE THE THIRD!" shrieked Dingledorf. "And now you're going to pay for all the trouble you've caused me!"   
  
  
  
Dingledorf? DINGLEDORF? DINGLEDORF!? What the... All right, I want some answers here! Who is this Dingledorf geek, and why is he dressed up like Ganondorf? Is he some sort of crazy wannabe? Is he a mild-mannered actor who went crazy when he lost the part of the bad guy in OoT to Ganondorf? Is this dweeb really the evil genius who's caused all of the trouble for Link and LL/Doseki? And what the HECK is up with his name?   
  
Find out the answers to all your questions in the next extremely exciting chapter:   
  
HOW I DID IT: BY DINGLEDORF M.M.F. DRAGMIRE III   
  
-or   
  
THE TRUTH COMES OUT!


	18. How I Did It: By Dingledorf MMF Dragmire...

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors   
by Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: HOW I DID IT- BY DINGLEDORF M.M.F. DRAGMIRE III -or- THE TRUTH COMES OUT!   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. (Hey, nice disclaimer, huh?)   
  
  
  
Hey, it's me again! LL! OK anyway, last chapter, Link and I were all ready to go and fight the bad guy and save the Author Sages... when he decided to go talk to Zelda. We learned that none of the Sages had any idea that Ganondorf had escaped... Terribly mysterious! After that, we battled the six Author Sotay, with the help of the Author Sages. Finally, we were allowed to enter the room where the bad guy was lurking... and we found out that it wasn't Ganondorf, but some guy named Dingledorf! WHAT A GOOFY NAME! HEE HEE HEE!   
  
  
  
"Your name..." paused Link, "Is... Dingledorf?"   
"YESSSS!" screamed Dingledorf. "NOW do you finally get it?"   
"Dingledorf." I repeated.   
"YES! Dingledorf!"   
"Dingledorf..." said Yumi.   
I looked at Yumi. She looked at Link. Link looked back at me.   
We all burst out laughing so hard we almost cried.   
"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! DINGLEDORF! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"   
"What's so FUNNY?" shrieked Dingledorf. "Do you find my name amusing?"   
"YES!" squealed Yumi between giggles.   
Dingledorf's blue face turned red. "I don't think it's funny!"   
He stood there, staring at us as we cracked up, and finally he stomped his foot.   
"STOP IT OR I'LL SET OFF THE VIRUS RIGHT NOW!" he screamed.   
We stopped.   
"What's up with you? Quit joking around now. Where's Ganondorf?" asked Link.   
"In the Sacred Realm where you left him, stupid!" Dingledorf shot back.   
Link gasped. "You mean... YOU? You're the evil genius who started this whole thing?"   
"YES! I am!" laughed Dingledorf maniacally. "And in a mere thirteen minutes, everything will be MY WAY! The way I want it to be! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"   
"But... who are you?" I asked.   
"I thought you'd never ask," said Dingledorf. He floated up into the air and began a really long story.   
  
"My name is Dingledorf Miltonia Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III. I was born in Gerudo Valley not long after Ganondorf, and when we were growing up, he would always make fun of my name!"   
"Wait a sec," said Yumi. "You knew Ganondorf?"   
"Of course I knew my own brother!" snorted Dingledorf.   
"You're BROTHERS?" gasped Link. "He never said anything about you!"   
"That's because I was the disgrace of the family name!" Dingledorf screamed. "No one was afraid of me because of my goofy name! Even though in Gerudo it means something like, 'Big Tough Handsome Stud Who Could Break My Arm With His Little Finger Should He So Desire'!"   
"So that's a reason for you to destroy the world?" I yelled.   
"NO! Not destroy it!" Dingledorf yelled. "You see, since Ganondorf was the older brother, he was naturally destined for the Gerudo throne... I was a poor lost little loser with no chance at a life at all!"   
"But..." Link pondered. "Aren't male Gerudos only born every 100 years?"   
"We're identical twins, smart guy!" Dingledorf shouted. "He was only three minutes older than me! THREE MINUTES! And that means he gets to rules the world! NO FAIR!"   
"So why don't you ask him to share it with you?" I asked. "Sharing is good,"   
"Shut up and let me finish! Anyway, since Ganondorf was going to get the Gerudo throne anyway... one day, when we were 15, I told Ganondorf that I wanted to fight him on the Gerudo field of honor for the throne! The winner would be the king, and the loser... the loser got tossed over the Gerudo Valley bridge and banished from Gerudo Valley forever!"   
"So what happened to make you all PO'ed?" asked Yumi.   
"We were jousting on horseback... Then it was going to be a sword fight once we both fell off of our horses! Well anyway, I got Ganny-Poo off of his horse first... and then I jumped off and we were sword fighting..."   
"Well there's your first mistake," Link said. "You should have taken him down on horseback!"   
"Don't correct me!" yelled Dingledorf in a wimpy voice. "Anyway... I was just about ready to beat him, and then you know what he did? He yelled, 'Hey look, Dingy-Poo! It's that hot chick Nabooru you love so much!' and he pointed away from me..."   
"Oh, don't say that you..." I stammered.   
"I DID! I LOOKED! And he stood up, grabbed the waistband of my underwear and pulled it all the way over my head!" shrieked Dingledorf dementedly.   
"Ooooh... Atomic Wedgie..." I groaned. "The horror..."   
"Everyone was laughing at me, and then Ganondorf tied my underwear over my head, dragged me off to the bridge, and... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- SPLASH!" wailed Dingledorf, waving his hands to show us exactly what had happened.   
"Ouch," said Link.   
"Owie Wowie..." I murmured.   
"Pain..." Yumi sighed.   
"You bet! Amazingly, I survived my fall and I lived on a small ledge by the river eating fish and making clothes out of the leftovers."   
"Ewwww..." the three of us groaned.   
Dingledorf looked at the ceiling and thought for a minute. "For 20 long years I lived by the river, surviving off of the few plants that grew there and stuff that people threw over the side... all this time, plotting my revenge on my brother... Finally, one day, someone threw a book over the side of the river, and luckily, I caught it before it floated away."   
"What was it?" asked Yumi.   
"'Magic Spells For the Evil at Heart'," Dingledorf laughed maniacally. "I read it, and studied it attentively! Finally, I learned every spell in the book, including one that could make me fly! I escaped my riverside prison, and I scampered away to a secluded hut in the middle of the Haunted Wasteland."   
"Um, excuse me, Dingledorf but..." said Link.   
"QUIET, MORTAL!" screamed Dingledorf. "So, from that hut, I plotted my revenge on my brother... I now had the power to do it, and I was just waiting for an opportunity. Finally, one day, I packed up all of my stuff, and marched back into the valley. I was ready to get my revenge on my big dumb brother!"   
No one said anything. Dingledorf laughed maniacally for a few seconds, then continued. "OK, anyway, when I got to the valley, nobody remembered me. I asked where the leader of the Gerudos was. They pointed me to a door on the right, and when I went in there, I was shocked to find..."   
"GANONDORF?" gasped Yumi.   
"No. NABOORU! THE GIRL I'D HAD A CRUSH ON FOREVER!" Dingledorf whined. "I asked her where Ganondorf had gone, and she told me that Ganondorf had been banished to the Sacred Realm forever by the six Sages of Hyrule and the Hero of Time, Link!"   
"That's me," said Link proudly.   
"I WAS FURIOUS!" Dingledorf cried. "I was absolutely ticked! I had wanted to get Ganondorf myself! Then Nabooru went on to tell me about how Ganondorf had actually taken over, but then Princess Zelda and the Hero of Time turned back time and locked him away where he could never try it again. I asked her for the exact date of when time had been reset, and she sighed and handed me an Ocarina of Time game cartridge, telling me that it was the history of Hyrule."   
"So what did you do? Did you play the game?" I asked, rapt with interest.   
"Play? No. I went to the library, borrowed a book about computer programming, and deciphered the whole game by myself!"   
We stared at him.   
"You know, you could have saved yourself a lot of time by just playing the game..." Link said, rolling his eyes.   
"WELL NOW I KNOW THAT!" cried Dingledorf. "Let me finish!"   
  
"I was fascinated by all the computer programming... and even better, it gave me an even better idea of how to get revenge on my worthless brother! I would create a virus... A virus so powerful that it would mess up the flow of time in Hyrule, returning it to the day ten years ago when Ganondorf took over Hyrule! A virus that would erase my brother from the game altogether and replace him with... ME!" grinned the evil genius.   
"That's awful!" cried Yumi.   
"Yes, isn't it?" sneered Dingledorf. "So, I worked for hours on my 'Reality Virus'... finally, it was complete! But then, I discovered something... Something that would ruin my whole plan!"   
"The authors!" I cried.   
"Yes, those miserable authors! They're more powerful than even my brother was... With a few strokes of the keyboard, they could destroy all that I had worked to create and rewrite the story! I knew that I had to get rid of them... So, I reprogrammed the virus to not only erase my brother from the story, but to also erase the author's memories! They couldn't do any harm if they though that they were part of the game!"   
"You monster!" I screamed. "The authors didn't do anything to you! You just pulled thousands of innocent people into the game, and you were going to get rid of them!"   
"Not WERE going to, I AM going to!" Dingledorf laughed. "In eleven minutes, the authors will all be part of the game permanently! You," he said, pointing to me, "Will not exist yet, and you," he said, pointing to Link, "Will be dead! I can't have you saving the day now, can I?"   
Link glared at the evil guy. "We're going to stop you. Oh yes, we will."   
"Us and the Author Sages!" Yumi cried.   
"THE AUTHOR SAGES! I HATE THEM!" Dingledorf yelled.   
"What about the monsters?" Link asked. "How did you create them? And how did you know who the Author Sages were so that you could kidnap them?"   
"The monsters were easy!" cried Dingledorf. "I only had to think of something vile and awful, and BANG! It appeared in those old abandoned temples! The seven evilest, WORST things I thought of became the bosses! And I was watching you two the whole entire time!"   
"THE WHOLE TIME?" I gasped.   
"YES! And every time you met one of the Author Sages, I could sense that they had power... So I sent my minions to capture and brainwash them. I figured they couldn't do any harm if they were evil... Except to you two, that is. AND I CAME SO CLOSE TOO! But you and that stupid little Goron just HAD to rescue them ALL!" he yelled at Link.   
"He is not stupid! He sure beat the crap out of your dumb Barney!" Link yelled.   
"Oh, I KNOW!" Dingledorf whined. "And now you're here! And it's all because of that stupid, stupid Destiny! She knew about the virus seconds before I set it off the first time, and in that second, she picked the six Author Sages and you, you stupid Goron... She knew that you looked up to him, and that you were our best bet to be the Sage of Innocence! And now look at you! Quite the little warrior, aren't you?"   
"Bet your butt, you big jerk!" I yelled.   
"But not to worry," said Dingledorf, a little calmer. "It doesn't matter if you can become human or not. You're still just a stupid little Goron, and a Goron and a pretty-boy hero are no match for me."   
I was hurt. Now THAT WAS MEAN!   
"I may be a Goron," I said, "But I'm still a lot nicer AND smarter than you!"   
Dingledorf just snickered at me and rolled his eyes. "All because of those few seconds and the draw of Destiny's cards, my plan has a fatal hole in it! But it'll only be fatal if the Authors can write me out of here!" Dingledorf snarled. "And I'll make sure that doesn't happen."   
  
"We'll see about that," Link said. "Oh, by the way Dingledorf..."   
"What?" he shot back.   
"I know a way that ALL of that could have been prevented," Link replied "The evil spells, the 20 years by the river... everything."   
"Oh yeah? HOW?" Dingledorf said, his hands on his hips.   
"You could have just jumped into the river, floated down to the lake, and then walked back to Gerudo Valley. I've done it a thousand times. It's safe."   
The Not-Quite-As-Evil brother of the Evil King of the Gerudos' eyes widened. He scratched his chin, and thought for a moment.   
"Are you SERIOUS?" he gasped.   
"Absolutely," said Link.   
"AAAAAAAGGGGGH! HE'S RIGHT!" shrieked Dingledorf. "How could I have been so stupid? AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!"   
"Does that mean you'll forget about this crazy virus stuff?" I asked.   
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Now I want to set it off more than EVER!" Dingledorf waved his hands, and a large digital clock appeared on the wall of the temple. It read "T-10:00", and suddenly, it stared counting down. Very slowly, but still counting down.   
"In ten minutes, every author will lose their memories forever!" Dingledorf laughed. "And I will be the King of the World! And even better, you, you pain-in-the-patoot sword-wielding skirt boy and you, you rocks-for-brains mineral munching moron, are going to be GONE! OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!"   
"Bring it on, Sissy-Mary!" I cried.   
"Don't mind if I do!" Dingledorf yelled back, charging up a nasty-looking fire bolt. "Say your prayers, you pests!"   
  
  
  
... Wow... What an idiot. Gee, after all the suspense, you'd expect the bad guy in SOIS to be like, Ganondorf or some evil sorceress or something like that. But it's just some sap with a funny name who is related to an evil genius... Huh. Well, I guess we'll have to go through with it anyway! But you finally know who caused the virus and why! And now, all that's left is to find out if Link and LL/Doseki can, with the help of Yumi and the Author Sages, banish this brainless brief-wearin' behemoth away forever! Oh, that and the answer to 2x= x/p-q+r/25*.   
Stay totally tuned for the big fight scene in the next chapter:   
  
BATTLE WITH THE BRAINLESS BRIEF-WEARIN' BEHEMOTH   
  
-or-   
  
DINGLEDORF: DA DUMBNIK DUDE OF DOOM!   
  
  
*WAIT A SEC! WAIT A SEC! The answer to 2x=x/p-q+r/25 is:   
  
2x (25) = rp-q!   
  
(It's simplified! There's not enough information to totally solve it! Whew... That's the first, and LAST time I put equations into my stories... )


	19. Dingledorf: Da Dumbnik of Doom!

Sage of Innocence Saga- or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors   
by Galaxy Girl   
  
CHAPTER NINETEEN: BATTLE WITH THE BRAINLESS BRIEF-WEARIN' BEHEMOTH! -or- DINGLEDORF: DA DUMBNIK OF DOOM   
  
Disclaimer: Hey, this is kinda the next to last chapter... so I'm going to try and make this short so you can get right to the action. I don't own Zelda, I don't own any of the places, characters (Except for Dingledorf, Galaxy Girl, and Doseki), or authors in this fic.   
  
Since these next chapters are kinda wrapping things up, I'd really like to thank all of you authors who volunteered yourselves to make SOIS funny with your brainwashed antics. I'd also like to thank all of the Author Sages, for not suing me for using your names over and over and over again, and for help with planning your chapters.   
  
Now... guess what?   
  
Not right away, maybe not for a few weeks now... but how would you guys like the idea of a SEQUEL to SOIS? If it sounds intriguing to you and you'd like to make a cameo (that's right! MORE cameos!) please leave a review with your pen name and TWO of your favorite Zelda characters from either N64 game. I'm not telling you what I have planned yet... but for your best shot at getting a cameo, leave your review now.   
  
(Well, so much for making it short...)   
  
And now... ON WITH THE STORY!   
  
  
  
LL here, for the second to the last time! Last chapter was fairly uneventful. But we certainly learned a lot! We learned that... hey, there's way too much info last chapter to tell you here. Why don't you go and read it yourselves? I have a battle to go fight!   
  
  
  
  
DINGLEDORF: Ganondorf's Not-Quite-As-Evil-As-Him-But-Wishes-He-Was Little Brother!   
  
Let me tell you something, with that BFF (Big Freakin' Firebolt) in his hands, Dingledorf didn't look much like a stupid idiot anymore... Now he looked dangerous and mean.   
"EIAAAEEEEEE!" I shrieked. "LINK, I CHANGED MY MIND!"   
"TOO LATE!" he yelled back. He was on the defensive, with his eyes fixed on Dingledorf like a cat's eyes on a mouse.   
Dingledorf wound up, and was ready to pitch the firebolt, when there was a little puff of smoke and the firebolt burnt out.   
"Oh POO!" screamed Dingledorf. "Don't do this to me NOWWWWW!"   
"Yumi! Yumi!" I cried.   
"I'm right here," she said calmly.   
"What's his weak spot, Yumi? What weapon will get him?" I asked quickly, eyeing the clock, which had just hit T-9:45.   
"He doesn't have a weak spot!" Yumi replied.   
"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T HAVE A WEAK SPOT?"   
"Think about it! Do YOU have a weak spot Doseki?"   
"Uh... I'm ticklish under my arms."   
"No! Think about it! With the other bad guys, the only way you could hurt them is if you hit their weak spot. But Dingledorf doesn't have one! He gets hurt no matter where you hurt him."   
"Oh," I nodded. "All right Mr. Dingledorf... It's butt kicking time!"   
Meanwhile, Dingledorf was snapping his fingers rapidly, trying to fire up another blast. "Oh... COME ON! I'm right in the middle of something important here! OH PANTYHOSE!"   
Finally, the inept sorcerer produced a big burst of flame. "Ah! PERFECT!" He eyed Link. "It's about time someone put an end to your little crusades, bucko!"   
"Too bad it won't be you!" Link retorted.   
Dingledorf scowled, and pitched the bolt, whistling and crackling, right at Link!   
I gasped, but there was no need to worry. Link was already far out of the way by the time it hit.   
Wow... who knew he could run that fast?   
"Let's see how you like these!" cried Link, pulling out his bow and a new kind of arrow. This arrow was glowing with a steady yellow light... Oh! Light Arrows! That rounded out the Fire/Ice/Light trio like with Cerena's rod.   
He took careful aim, and fired at Dingledorf. The arrow hit him, and the glowing tip exploded into a burst of bright light.   
"OWWWW! MY DERMATOLOGIST SAID THAT BRIGHT LIGHT IS BAD FOR MY COMPLEX-ION!" Dingledorf squealed.   
"That's it, Link!" Yumi cried. "That's the way to do it!"   
"All right, then I'll try that too!" I said, pulling out the Fire/Ice/Light pen.   
I set the switch to the little sun symbol, and aimed it at Dingledorf.   
But before I could fire, he charged up another firebolt and tried to blast me.   
"YIKES!" I yelled, jumping out of the way.   
Instead of me, the beam hit a wall... knocking a hole out of it.   
  
Yumi and I stopped and stared at the gaping hole in the wall, and then at each other... I'm sure she was thinking about me laying there, smoking and charred...   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" I shrieked. "DID YOU SEE THAT?"   
"I saw it, I saw it! Get a hold of yourself!" Yumi cried.   
Suddenly, the air was filled with an orange glow and it began to get very warm...   
"Get a hold of yourself and RUN!" Yumi screamed, shoving my head.   
I raced to the left, and another fireball punched another big hole in the floor, this time.   
"THIS IS NUTS!" I yelled.   
"Oh believe me, we're JUST getting started!" Dingledorf giggled.   
I raced around the room, and seconds later, smacked right into Link.   
"AAGGGGH, DINGLEDORF!" I screamed.   
"Doseki! Quit freaking out! You need to stay calm!" Link snapped sternly.   
I sighed. "Don't scare me like that!"   
"All right, look. This isn't getting us anywhere. We need to work together!" Link said. "Now. We need to get him to hold still, and then get him with either my Light Arrows or your Fire/Ice/Light Rod!"   
"All right," I nodded.   
"Good. Now, you distract him, and I'll get ready to attack."   
"ME DISTRACT?" I gasped. "WHY ME?"   
"Because, you're the one attracting the most attention to yourself by running around screaming," Link replied.   
Then we split up again.   
  
I turned my attention back to the center of the room towards Dingledorf, and I gasped. He was GONE!   
I froze. He had to be around here somewhere... But where?   
"Yumi..." I whispered. "Where did he go?"   
Yumi didn't answer.   
"... Yumi?" I said, turning around very slowly.   
Well, I didn't see Yumi behind me, but I did see a big dark shadow standing on the wall.   
"SURPRISE!" screamed Dingledorf, grabbing me by the collar.   
"AYYYYY!" I yelled in surprise.   
The not-as-evil-as-expected bad guy was walking on the wall! He lifted me by the collar and held me up off the ground.   
"I've waited a long time to get a hold of you!" sneered Dingledorf.   
"Let me go!" I yelled. "Or I'll do this!"   
Yanking out the Fax Machine O' Randomness, I pressed the little red button.   
A single, clean white sheet of 8-by-11-inch paper shot out of the machine and sliced Dingledorf across his ski-jump sized nose.   
"OW!" he screamed, grabbing his nose with both hands and dropping me.   
Ow... that's not nice...   
"OOOOOOO THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY HOW MUCH THAT HURTS!" shrieked Dingledorf, grabbing a small roll of toilet paper and tearing off a little piece to stick on his wound.   
I stood up and backed away. Dingledorf turned in my direction and sneered.   
"Where do you think YOU'RE going, you rock-eating delinquent?" he shouted. With a snap of his fingers, the toiler paper roll caught on fire, and he hurled it at me with all the accuracy of an Olympic shot-put athlete.   
I jumped out of the way, and looked around the room worriedly.   
T-9:08...   
  
"YUMI!" I yelled. "WHERE ARE YOU?"   
There was no answer. I did hear another bout of hideous laughter behind me, and I moved just in time to avoid another roasted roll of TP from Ganondorf's little brother.   
"All right!" I cried, "Enough is enough! Now I'm going to teach you a lesson for what you did to all the authors!"   
"OOH! I'm shaking in my little high heeled boots!" Dingledorf whimpered sarcastically. Then he howled with laughter and whipped up a new spell.   
A swirl of orange rose up from the floor and it gathered into a huge orb in his hands. A black hole-like center appeared, and started to suck in all the rest of the orange glow (Uh, the magic... not the cleaning solution).   
Good grief, where's Link when you need him?   
"Try this on for size!" Dingledorf screamed. "BLACK HOLE!"   
I felt an extreme force tugging on me to go towards Dingledorf. I knew that it was the big black ball of nothingness in his hands.   
"Come here, little one! Let's see how thick that skin of yours REALLY is!"   
"JEEEEEZ, enough with the discriminatory Goron jokes!" I cried.   
My feet were lifting up from under me... Uh oh...   
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!" I yelled.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   
  
I hit the ground again. "Booyah, Grandpa!" I laughed. "You'll need a little stronger magic than that to lift 600 pounds!"   
Dingledorf sneered, and more orange glowy-stuff started to rise up out of the floor, joining the circle of blackness.   
I felt my feet lifting up off the floor.   
"Oh crap..." I said. "Me and my big, fat mouth..."   
Just when I thought I would lift up and fly into Dingledorf's clutches, I heard a cry from behind me.   
"Take this, you Southern-fried freak!"   
A blast of bright yellow light flew up from over my head, and smashed into Dingledorf, slamming him against the wall.   
"OUCHIES!" he grunted.   
The black hole disappeared, and I was once again on the ground.   
"Thanks Link!" I yelled to my partner, who came running up beside me.   
"Now it's MY turn to be the decoy," he said glumly.   
I grinned, curled up, and rolled away.   
T-8:34...   
  
"You boys are REALLY starting to tick me off!" squealed Dingledorf. "Well, let's see how you enjoy this little number!"   
I rolled off to a far corner of the room and stood up. Now he was going to get it...   
"Innocence Medallion, Transform!" I said quietly.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   
  
I watched intently as Dingledorf charged up a black orb of power, and then acted like he was going to throw it at Link.   
Link ducked, and then Dingledorf turned the orb on himself. But when it hit him, he disappeared!   
Link froze like I had. He looked around.   
"Hey DOSEKI!" he cried. "Where'd he go?"   
"I don't know!" I shrugged. "Where did YUMI go?"   
Link didn't have time to answer me, though. Suddenly, he was lifted into the air and he began to rise all the way up to the ceiling.   
"HEY!" he yelled. "DINGLEDORF! Get yer hairy mitts off me!"   
I heard Dingledorf's familiar sinister laughter, and then I watched in horror as Link went slamming to the ground.   
"OWW!" he screamed.   
Man... he DID hit hard! There was a cloud of marble dust rising up from the floor.   
"LINK!" I cried. "Are you all right?"   
I ran over towards him. "No! Don't!" he yelled.   
"What? AAGH! HEY!"   
He was riiiiiiight...   
Dingledorf was now lifting ME up over everything, and I was going to slam down, too!   
"Hey, let go!" I yelled, kicking. At the time I wasn't really thinking about what would have happened if I did kick him and he dropped me.   
I looked down fearfully. Link pulled himself up out of the big indent of him, and stared dizzily up at me. "Kodeski!" he yelled. Wow, he really did hit hard.   
The air suddenly got very cold, and Dingledorf appeared right next to me, his big evil hand right around my neck.   
"Say goodnight, little guy!" he laughed, and then I went flying backwards.   
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- OUCH!"   
I hit the wall hard. So hard that I felt the wall give way behind me, leaving a big indent of me in the wall.   
Dingledorf's hand released my neck and I leaned forward, crashing to the ground headfirst with a major migraine.   
T-8:14...   
  
I didn't want to move at all... I felt like I had been run over by a very large truck.   
I heard some more explosions and yelling, but I didn't want to move and see whom they came from.   
A hit that hard would have killed any normal person... But Doseki was definitely not a normal person.   
Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice.   
"DOSEKI! Doseki! Get up!"   
I lifted my head slowly and spied Yumi's familiar purple flashing.   
"Yumiiiii..." I groaned. "You Earth on have where been?"   
"I was up by the clock, trying to find some way to rewire it or something to give us more time!" Yumi shrugged. "But it's impossible! It would take someone like Stephen Hawking to even have a clue about how to fix it!"   
"Move can't I..." I mumbled hazily.   
"You have to! I know it's hard, and you feel like you just want to lie down and take a nap, but you can't! Look at Link. He needs help!"   
My double vision was making it difficult, but I could make out Link over at the far end of the room, engaged in a battle with Dingledorf. It was apparently Dingledorf's weak point. He was covering his face with one hand and weakly punching with the other. Link, sword in one hand and shield in the other, was slashing away at the wannabe Gerudo king's armor.   
"You're right..." I muttered, standing up. I knew I was liable to fall over any second, but I had no choice.   
"That's it!" Yumi cheered. "Remember? DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOOOOOO!"   
"Mayonnaise!" I shouted. I was still a little dizzy, remember?   
"Close enough," Yumi said, rolling her eyes.   
I shook off the dizziness, and then stared angrily at Dingledorf. "Hey Yumi..." I said. "What would you suggest?"   
Yumi scratched her chin, and pulled the Energy Pen out of my pocket. "This should be fun!"   
I nodded.   
  
"Will you QUIT HITTING ME?" Dingledorf shrieked at Link, who was in a full swing of rage.   
"Not until you're as dead as your brother should be by now!" Link yelled back.   
"I can help with that!" I cried, loading up a blast in the Energy Pen and firing it.   
POW!   
Dingledorf went flying across the room and smashed into the wall, leaving yet another indentation.   
"Boy, they need to reinforce these walls," Yumi said, shaking her head.   
Dingledorf stood up again and took to the air. "I thought I said enough hitting me!"   
POW!   
Dingledorf, extremely angry, pulled himself out of yet another dent in the wall in the shape of him. "That's it. You try that one more time, and..."   
POW!   
This time, Dingledorf went totally through the wall, creating a new Dingledorf-shaped door into the Temple of Time.   
We stood there for a minute, hearing some cussing from outside, and then we heard stomping coming from the first room of the temple.   
"Wow, this thing packs a big punch!" Link commented, studying the Energy Pen carefully. "Thanks for that help, I don't know how long I could have kept going."   
Suddenly, the Door of Time slid open again, revealing a mud-soaked, glowing black, very, VERY angry Dingledorf.   
"Playtime's over!" Dingledorf screamed. "Now I'm going to get rid of you two pests like I should have at the beginning of all this!"   
"Oh, like we haven't heard THAT before." Link said, rolling his eyes, but still on guard. "Toast him, Doseki."   
I aimed the Energy Pen and fired, but something bad happened. Instead of Dingledorf taking the blast of light, it seemed to vanish when it got near him.   
"Huh?" Link gasped.   
"OH NO!" Yumi cried. "LOOK OUT, GUYS!"   
The black glow around Dingledorf seemed to have gotten thicker. The wannabe evil king held out his hands, gathered an orb of blackness, and fired it with the same power as a blast of the Energy Pen!   
POW!   
This time, it was Link who went smashing into the wall.   
"Don't do that again, Doseki!" Yumi warned me.   
But I guess Dingledorf still had some power left over. He formed another black orb, and I made a noise that only a guy about to be hit with a giant evil black blast of magic that he accidentally helped create makes.   
  
WHAM!   
  
(That was me, crashing once again into the wall of the Temple of Time)   
  
I had dropped the Energy Pen when I got hit, but I wasn't thinking of that now. I was thinking about how bad that CRUNCH noise from my wrist had sounded when it hit the wall...   
"Doseki!" Yumi cried, zipping over to me. "Hurry! You have to move!"   
"...bleeaaaaaah..." I mumbled.   
All of a sudden, I moved. Well actually, I didn't move, but my entire body did!   
"HUH? What the..."   
I got my answer pretty quick, when I once again went sailing through the air, this time crashing right into Link, who was also floating.   
Dingledorf sat in the air (If you can imagine that) waving his hands about and sending Link and me crashing all over the room.   
Soon we were both floating in the air, too dizzy to really do anything about it.   
"Well, well, well... I bet you didn't expect this problem," Dingledorf said calmly, causing my arm to fly up and smack Link upside the head.   
"HEY!" he yelled.   
"It's not my fault!" I wailed.   
Then Link's foot went flying upwards, kicking me right in the face and leaving him hanging upside down in the air.   
"OW!" I whined.   
"Dingledorf, you coward!" Link screamed. "You're too afraid to fight us, so you make us fight each other?"   
"Hey... I was planning to get you myself but now that you mention it, there's something deliciously EVIL about that plan!" Dingledorf giggled maniacally.   
I felt my belt get lighter, and I saw my hand gripping the Little Giant tightly, holding it just horizontal with Link's neck.   
"Hey!" I yelled. "That's not my hand moving!"   
"I know, but it certainly looks that way, doesn't it?" Dingledorf giggled. "And the best part is, you get to feel guilty about killing your hero!"   
Both of our eyes widened.   
My hand pulled back and I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"   
Suddenly, there was a purple flash and my hand dropped the sword.   
Good ol' Yumi! She had flown in quickly and snatched the sword from my hand before Dingledorf made me do something I would regret.   
Then she pulled back with all her strength, and chucked the double-sided sword at the bad guy, smacking him in the face with the handle, unfortunately. But it was enough distraction to cause Dingledorf to take off the spell, sending Link and me crashing to the ground.   
T-7:01...   
  
"We got just under seven minutes!" Yumi cried when Link and I got up.   
"Right... if that punk tries that again..." Link muttered.   
"Just keep moving and he shouldn't be able to grab a hold of you!" Yumi said. "Doseki just lost his sword, but it's all right..."   
"And I dropped the Energy Pen too!" I said.   
"Too bad... that seemed to do such a good job!" Yumi groaned. "All right... time for Plan B!"   
"What is Plan B?" I asked, watching Dingledorf stomp towards us out of the corner of my eye.   
"I'll tell you when I think of it..." Yumi mumbled. "SPLIT!"   
The three of us scattered, and Dingledorf began what I assume was another new spell.   
Dingledorf's fists started glowing, and he charged up a huge black orb-type thing.   
"I've had enough of you two already!" he squealed.   
POW! Blast after blast after blast of huge fiery black stuff went flying all over the room, and it was all Link or I could do to keep the heck away from it.   
Finally, I decided to rely on another of my trusty weapons to attempt to dispatch the Dragmire.   
I saw him turn in my direction and I quickly grabbed the DDR Wand and emitted a barrier to protect myself from his blasts.   
Dingledorf stared at me in shock when he saw that I wasn't sprawled out on the floor after the first blast hit. He fired wave after wave of blasts, all of them being absorbed into the DDR Wand like water into a sponge.   
He didn't see Link come up behind him with another couple of Light Arrows.   
BANG! BANG! BANG!   
Dingledorf blew me off in favor of the guy who had just bopped him three with the Light Arrows just as the DDR pad barrier wore off.   
T-6:37...   
  
Link was blocked up in a corner, with his trusty Mirror Shield barely absorbing the black blasts of Dingledorf.   
Hey, that would make a good book title... "The Black Blasts of Dingledorf..." Well, maybe if we changed Dingledorf's name to something a little scarier...   
Oh. Off the subject kinda, huh? Well anyway, Link was counting on his Mirror Shield to help him out now, but I knew that he couldn't stay in that corner forever with all the energy that Dingledorf was packing.   
  
I decided that I was feeling brave, and I knew that it was stupid, but my plan would give Link enough time to charge up a really good attack.   
It would also be kinda painful...   
With the Black Emotion Dagger in one hand and the Spiral Bracelet ready to activate, I shook my head and said my prayers as I scampered towards Dingledorf.   
Then I yelled, "Hey stupid! Check me out!"   
As soon as Dingledorf stopped blasting and tried to turn around I activated the bracelet. Everything slowed down except for me as I ran and jumped into the air, aiming the dagger right at Dingledorf and firing it.   
By the time the bracelet wore off, Dingledorf was already on the floor reeling from the dagger's attack.   
Link blinked in disbelief at how fast I had gone, and then wasted no time in emptying his Light-Arrow notched bow right at Dingledorf.   
The arrow tore a big hole in his bright pink cape. Dingledorf growled and stood up again.   
"I THOUGHT I SAID that it was time for you two to DIE!" he screamed.   
"You know what they say: You can't keep a good hero down!" I said triumphantly.   
That comment seemed to enrage Dingledorf, as he turned away from Link and took to the air, heading right for me!   
"In that case," he said sinisterly, "I won't have a big problem taking you down... and keeping you there!"   
I backed up and ran. I could hear him right behind me, though...   
That's when I saw the Little Giant lying uselessly on the ground near the Door of Time where Dingledorf had dropped it.   
If I could make it in time, I could use it to protect myself.   
I ran as fast as I could, but Dingledorf was definitely gaining.   
Finally, I leaped at the sword like a baseball player heading for home plate, skidding once I hit the ground and snatching it up.   
I half-twisted just as Dingledorf flew right over me. I held up the Little Giant, stopping him in his tracks before he grabbed me.   
"Very good, little Goron..." he snickered. "But let's see if you can really use that thing!"   
He screamed and jumped at me. I rolled out of the way and onto my feet.   
Oh boy... I had never really tried out swordplay before... Could I do it now when it really mattered?   
"EEEAAAAAIIEEEE!" I squealed as Dingledorf came running at me again.   
He got ready for a punch, but I smacked him with the sword before he dared to try it. Dingledorf recoiled and kicked me cruelly in the gut.   
I went flying, but luckily I held onto the sword.   
"LINK! HELP!" I yelled, blocking another kick from Dingledorf.   
"Hold still so I can hurt you!" Dingledorf screamed.   
A whoosh of light flew through the air and struck Dingledorf in the back. The Evil-wannabe winced and leaned forward, and I saw Link running up behind him.   
"Pick on someone your own size!" he yelled, bringing Dingledorf into another sword and fistfight.   
T-5:52...   
  
Yumi flew up beside me. "All right Doseki... You're doing good so far. But we barely have six minutes left! You've got to hurry up!" she said.   
"I think I have another idea..." I said, "But I'm not sure if it will work..."   
"Only one way to find out!" Yumi shrugged. "I'm still thinking of Plan B..."   
"It's all right..." I answered. "We've hit Dingledorf plenty of times... he's got to be weakening a LITTLE."   
I didn't know how wrong I was at the time.   
"It's time to take things into smaller, yellow and tan hands!" I cried. "Innocence Medallion, Return!"   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   
  
I hit the ground and rolled right up to Dingledorf. It was time to handle things the Goron-warrior way!   
Just as I neared him, I leaped into the air and came down HARD on his foot!   
"OWWWW!" he shrieked, leaping out of the way. He jumped up and down and rubbed his foot.   
"Good one, LL!" Link grinned.   
"Oh, isn't that just ADORABLE?" Dingledorf screamed. "Well I don't feel bad taking out a Goron, either!"   
"We'll see about that," I said, donning the Innocence Mask.   
Hey, I bet you totally forgot about that, didn't you?   
Dingledorf's eyes widened and he stared at me. "Awww... what a sweet little face! You're a cute little guy, you know that?"   
"A cute little guy who's ready to kick your arse!" I cried, rolling after him again.   
I threw myself into the air and landed right on top of the awed evil guy, slamming down again and again.   
"OW! How sweet! OW! How cute!" Dingledorf grunted. "OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! NOT NICE! But you're so adorable! OW! OW! OW!"   
I rolled off and yelled to Link, "I'll be back in a sec! Get him!"   
Link wasted no time in beating up on the bad guy while I got ready for my next Goron attack!   
I was ready for the ancient secret attack of the Gorons... the spike roll! It's a known fact about Gorons that if you know how to do it and if you can roll fast enough, it's actually possible to grow spikes out of your back and use them to kick major butt!   
I rolled around for a bit, and then I finally felt strong enough to pull it off. Let's see how Dingledorf liked THIS little number!   
I turned in his general direction, made sure that I wouldn't hit Link, and rolled as fast as I could towards him. I felt a little heavier, and I knew that was because of the "Ancient Goron Secret Attack!"   
"HIIIIIYAH!" I screamed, hurling myself through the air and crashing into Dingledorf, who had just stood up.   
We both went flying backwards, and only stopped when we had crashed into another wall.   
I ricocheted off and hit the ground, unrolling and sending the Innocence Mask to the floor.   
Dingledorf stood up veeeeerrryyyyy slowly, and turned to me, still dizzy and kind of weak from the attack (we both were).   
"Grrrrrr..." he growled. "I've had enough of you!"   
"Likewise," I mumbled.   
The evil guy stomped towards me and I knew that I was in trouble.   
"Uh... uh..." I said blankly, trying to back away.   
Suddenly, my hand touched something.   
Dingledorf stood over me with a huge blast of energy, ready to fry my little Goron head off. "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE!" he yelled.   
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before," I said, grabbing the Energy Pen, loading it, and firing another giant blast at Dingledorf, sending him right back into the wall.   
T-5:00...   
  
"Lucky for that!" I whistled, as Link and Yumi raced over to see if I was OK.   
"Turn back now, LL. It's time for us to finish this once and for all!" Link snickered.   
"Innocence Medallion, Transform!" I said proudly.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
"Not quite yet, Link..." Yumi said worriedly. "He's still too strong for the Author Sages to get!"   
"Look at him!" Link cried, pointing at the rather pathetic form of Dingledorf, pulling himself out of the big hole in the wall that he had landed in.   
"He's still too strong, Link. You have to keep going... and hopefully he's near the end!" Yumi sighed.   
We turned back to him to decide what to do with him... Er, we would have, but he was gone.   
"Where... where did he go?" I asked.   
Suddenly, Link and I were up in the air again. We found that we couldn't move!   
"Oh no!" Yumi gasped.   
We both spun around (well WE didn't, Dingledorf spun us around) and saw Dingledorf come strolling along, also in the air. He was grunting and sweating and panting like a mad man.   
"I... have had it!" he snarled. "I'm sick of YOU!" he said, pointing at Link. "I'm sick of YOU!" he said, pointing at me. "I have absolutely lost it with YOU!" he said, pointing at Yumi. "And I've had it up to here with you two panty brains trying to ruin my plan!"   
He sent the two of us flying backwards and we hit the wall. We didn't go through it this time, but we remained stuck there like flies on flypaper.   
"Now you listen and you listen good!" Dingledorf growled, coming towards us again. "My virus WILL go off in four and a half minutes... The authors WILL all become part of the game forever... I WILL replace my brother as the evil king of the Gerudo... I WILL restart time in Hyrule..." And he pitched his voice very low (As low as he probably could, which was still pretty high) for this next one: "And I WILL kill you both... NOW!"   
He grabbed Link around the throat with his left hand and squeezed. HARD. Link turned bright red and tried to fight him off.   
Yumi yelled and smacked into Dingledorf's head, but Dingledorf swatted her to the ground like a bug.   
Link's eyes were popping out now.   
"Stop it!" I screamed. "Stop it! Let him go!"   
Dingledorf turned to me and spoke surprisingly calmly. "Now I understand why HE wants to stop me... But it's you that I don't get!" He loosened his grip on Link, who coughed.   
"Wh... what do you mean?" I asked fearfully.   
"You have no reason to fight me. I am the one who can make all your dreams come true!" Dingledorf sneered. "Don't think I don't know what you're thinking right now. GG... your girlfriend! You know that she's not going to want to date you forever! Get real! A lovely, promising young human girl like that... dating a rock-eating video game character?"   
A knot formed in my stomach.   
"You know that sooner or later GG's not going to care about you anymore... Because she'll want a real man! A human man, for that matter! And you can't follow through with that, now can you? Sure, there's always that handsome young man that you discovered just one week ago today... But there's always going to be a part of you that remains a Goron!"   
He moved his right finger, and my sleeve went up, showing the tattoo.   
"You know, it's not too late. All you have to do is abandon this loserly hero dork and join me... I can still change the virus. It could make your wish come true... You could be a human! Just like her!" Dingledorf whispered. "That tattoo... your past... your father and your family... heck, even your love of rocks could be gone! Just like that!" He snapped his fingers.   
I gasped. "What?! Why would you do that?"   
"You're actually quite a charming young boy... It would be a shame if you became a hero and I had to get rid of you like I will have to with him!" He motioned to Link, who was staring at me worriedly. "And I've never really had a son, either..."   
Ewww... Now there's a revolting idea. Doseki Dragmire, son of DINGLEDORF. But the man had a point...   
"Don't be silly. What does this life promise you? Nothing! Oh sure... you could stay the way you are... growing up in a cave on a mountain... eating rocks... rolling down cliffs every once and a while... maybe taking over the rule when your father gets older... But look at all you'd be missing! A REAL body! A REAL brain! Even a chance at her!"   
Dingledorf smiled smugly, and stared at Link. "And look at him. The HERO business... what a waste of time! Even he could tell you that he hates it. And if you change your mind and see things the way I do, you'd see that it's pointless... because evil will always be around. You'll never totally complete your job."   
The scary thing about it was that I knew that Dingledorf was right.   
Link hated his job. He hated the fact that he had to drop everything important to him and rush out every time a monster or a villain or a curse or a virus decided to show up... And who knew if he'd even survive the encounter? He hated the fact that everyone was depending on him, and that he was the only one who could follow through for them. And he hated the fact that he'd never really be able to settle down with a wife and children... Because he'd always be leaving again sooner or later to fight evil again.   
GG couldn't be my girlfriend forever. She would get older, and so would I. She would get married to someone else, and so would I. She'd have kids, and so would I. She needed to grow up and be an author, like she wanted. I needed to grow up and take over rule of the Death Mountain Gorons. I was just a friend... a brother-like figure, if you like... I knew it couldn't last.   
And a Goron's life wasn't the best. A simple life at best, living isolated from other races and people on your own little mountaintop... venturing down when you needed milk or bread or the latest release from Hyrule Video. A Goron hardly ever grew up to be anything special.   
But to be human... To forget everyone and everything important me in exchange for a new body, a new family, and a new life... but also a chance at GG. Or any other girl I wanted?   
But could I really do that to myself, and to my dad? Let's face it... I was his pride and joy. I was the sun in his life. Since my mom had disappeared, my dad was lonely and sad... I was the only part of her he had left, and he was determined to keep me happy. Now, after all he'd done for me, could I just throw in the towel and abandon him?   
Dingledorf was staring at me with those sinister eyes. If I said yes, I'd never have to worry about being killed by a monster ever again. Because I'd be just as much a monster as him. Because I'd given up.   
But it sounded so great... I'd never have to be afraid again. Me and my bad old Dingledorf daddy would rampage around, killing everything in sight and torturing thousands... Laughing the whole way. Who knows, I might even be responsible for killing someone I really cared about, like Link or Dad or GG. But I wouldn't care anyway.   
Not care? That doesn't sound like me!   
It would be you, if you said yes.   
But how could I be so selfish? If I said yes, I would not only throw myself into Dingledorf's alternate reality, I would throw thousands of innocent people. The Authors! What about them? What about their families and their lives?   
I thought about a cartoon I'd seen where a guy had to make a big decision and two little versions of himself, a devil and an angel appeared on his shoulder and argued.   
"What are you waiting for? Say yes, you big idiot!" laughed Devil LL. "Doesn't that sound great?"   
"Are you CRAZY? How could you do that to your dad and your friends and your whole world? You wouldn't DARE!" said Angel LL.   
"Oh puh-lease. That guy is such a fruit... He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. But why would you do that when you could pick the path that ROCKS?" Devil LL giggled.   
"ROCKS! There's another thing you'd miss! Come on! I think it's obvious what to say," Angel LL said, rolling his eyes.   
OK, so there was really no angel or devil anywhere. It was all in my head.   
Yes...   
No!   
Yes!   
No!   
Human!   
Goron!   
Human!   
Goron!   
Yes!   
No!   
Human!   
GORON!   
  
I think the answer was pretty obvious. Yes. Very obvious.   
  
"Well?" Dingledorf asked wickedly.   
I gazed over at Link, Dingledorf's hand still around his neck, but not squeezing. He was watching me intently, wondering what I would say.   
Oh man. After ALL of that, the temples and the monsters and stuff, he actually thought I would abandon him and my dad for the promise of a new life?   
"No," I said.   
"WHAT?"   
"I said NO!" I yelled. "I wouldn't give up my body, my friends, my family OR my heritage for ANYONE or ANYTHING, and ESPECIALLY if it meant letting YOU be king! And the thought of you as my dad truly, truly makes me feel sick!"   
Dingledorf looked taken aback.   
  
(Heh, scared you there for a second, huh? Obviously I said no. If I said yes, you wouldn't be here reading this right now, would you?)   
  
I had strongly considered dropping everything and giving in. I really had. It all sounded so great...   
And I know that I would have, if it weren't for one thing.   
Dingledorf wasn't right.   
Link didn't like his job all the time, but I know him, and I know that he wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.   
GG couldn't be my girlfriend forever, but we could be friends as long as we wanted. And giving up my Goron-hood for her would be pointless. She wouldn't be GG anymore, anyway... She'd return to being Fianna, the caffeinated blade salesgirl.   
A Goron's life may not be glamorous, but it was the life for me.   
And as for leaving everything behind... I wouldn't trade my body, my brain, my memories, my heritage, and especially I wouldn't trade my father for anything else, EVER. Period.   
Sure, this life wasn't perfect. I didn't know my mother, where she was, and if she would ever come back. I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. And for gosh sakes, I ate ROCKS. That would make every dinner banquet I would ever attend a difficult thing. But the point is that it was MY life, and it was MY responsibility to make it as darn cool as I could.   
  
"And for the last freakin' time, I AM A GORON!" I screamed.   
"You're a Goron all right. A stupid, thickheaded Goron. You just passed up on the chance of a lifetime. I hope you're proud of yourself," Dingledorf said cruelly. "Now I'll get to enjoy watching you slowly choke to death."   
And then I found his right hand around MY neck, squeezing MY air off and trying to kill ME.   
I knew for some reason that he had Link in the same strangle hold as me.   
But something had just happened... I could move my foot freely... In all his rage, Dingledorf had forgotten to hold the spell that kept Link or me from moving! He was holding us up by himself now!   
Oh yeah... I knew JUUUUUUUST what to do...   
  
"Innocence... Medallion... RETURN!" I choked out.   
"What?" Dingledorf said confusedly.   
Suddenly, the orange glow around me gave him his answer.   
"Oh no... you didn't just..."   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
Now, 200 and 175 pounds were probably not the easiest weights to hold up, but Dingledorf managed to hold both Link and me up, despite the 375 pounds weight. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite weight conditioned to carry a combined weight of 800 pounds, so he very quickly lost his grip on me and let me fall.   
WOMP! I hit the ground painlessly, and then rolled far away from him.   
"Yumi!" I yelled.   
She had been watching helplessly from the ground, but now she stood up and zipped over to me.   
"I'm so proud of you, LL! That took a lot of guts!"   
"Link's not gonna last much longer!" I yelled.   
I could hear him choking over Dingledorf's cries of, "I'll get you in a minute, you little pest!" and "Oh, you're such a punk! You're going to pay for this!"   
"I've got your Plan B now, LL..." Yumi said. "I've seen this hundred of times before at the end of movies like this... All right. Now what you gotta do is..." She whispered in my ear, and I stood in awe of what I was hearing.   
"I can really do THAT?" I gasped.   
"The other Sages can, why can't you?"   
I nodded. "OK... I'll try..."   
"Yes, and you'd better hurry up!" Yumi hissed.   
T-3:46...   
  
At that second, Link and Dingledorf were duking it out. Well, Link was trying to, but he was half strangled and it was difficult.   
"I promised... I'd protect him..." Link gagged.   
"Looks like you're going to fall just a little short on that promise!" Dingledorf snarled. "You don't know how much satisfaction it's going to give me to see you die..."   
"I'm not... giving up... that easy!" Link gagged again.   
"I'd start considering surrender now if I were you..." Dingledorf replied wickedly.   
"I... promised Darunia... he wouldn't... get hurt!" Link wheezed. "I promised... myself... I wouldn't... let him... get hurt!"   
"Oops, sorry... guess you'll just have to send Darunia your sympathies that you couldn't protect his stupid little son!" Dingledorf laughed. "Oh, oops... I forgot. You'll be dead. You want me to do it for you? I'll send him a card... Along with a nice big blast aimed straight at his brainless Sage head!"   
Link glared at him, and Dingledorf continued the insults. "And then I'll go for Nabooru... and Impa... and Ruto... and then the sweet little Princess Zelda... and then your little friend Saria! Ooh, that one struck a nerve, didn't it?"   
"You can't... win..." Link snarled.   
"I already did," Dingledorf laughed. "You were unconscious, but I just made a deal with your little friend over there that seals your fate, as well as the fate of the rest of Hyrule."   
"Liar!" Link yelled.   
"Why would I lie to you? He said yes, and I won! Finally, I, Dingledorf Miltona Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III, have won! Not Ganondorf, not the hero, but ME! I won and you lost! I won and you lost!" sang Dingledorf. "I won and you-"   
Suddenly, a brilliant glow filled up the room. Dingledorf saw the bright orange and yellow light on his captive's face, and he turned around, releasing his grip on Link.   
Link stared towards the source of the light, and gasped half for the need to breathe and half in surprise when he saw who it was.   
  
I stood, at the other end of the room, holding my medallion in my hands, surrounded by swirls of orange and yellowish light and a brilliant bubble of light.   
The Innocence Medallion slowly faded into a bright orb of orange and yellow, and I stared at Dingledorf in rage.   
"It's time for you to go where you belong!" I cried.   
"WHAT? What's... What happened to you?" he yelled angrily. Then his blue face turned pale when he saw something behind me.   
"YOU! But... you... him... you..."   
I noticed that there was someone behind me too. But I didn't turn around to look, because I already knew who it was.   
It was me, Doseki. Or at least an image of him.   
We were both the same person. We were both the Sage of Innocence, and both of us had to get rid of this pest Dingledorf forever.   
Two voices echoed through the temple as I spoke.   
"This whole trip I've been afraid of you and your monsters. But now I know who you really are! You're a jerk! And a creep! But overall, more than anything else, you're a coward! But I'm not afraid anymore! I won't let you hurt my Brother Link OR my Dad OR the authors!"   
"TWO OF THEM?" Dingledorf cried. "But that's impossible!"   
"It's possible!" I said, and the other voice said it too. "And now we'll show you that it's possible that you can be defeated! And more or less, defeated by someone you hate! Somebody you're AFRAID of! ME!"   
I was mad. I was angry. I was enraged.   
Memories were flashing through my head. Voices that had spoken to me, voices that had ridiculed me. But they were all voices that I knew were wrong. Maybe that's why they made me so mad.   
  
"LL, you're too young!"   
  
"I thought you were talking to me! You mean I have to work with this little loon?"   
  
**YOU FOOL! THERE ARE NO OTHER LITTLE LINKS OF THE GORONS. YOU ARE THE INNOCENCE SAGE.**   
  
"Calm down! You're giving me a headache!"   
  
"YOU IMBECILE! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT GG LIKES YOU AT ALL?"   
  
"YOU IDIOT! GG WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH A FAT LITTLE MORON LIKE YOU!"   
  
"GALAXY GIRL HATES YOU, AND SHE ONLY IS NICE TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR FATHER IS A SAGE!"   
  
"YOU'RE SCRAWNY, AND STUPID, AND UGLY, AND NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD LIKE YOU! EVEN YOUR FATHER IS ASHAMED OF YOU!"   
  
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL STAY IN YOUR CURRENT FORM! YOU SHOULD MOVE FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU PRICELESS EXCUSE FOR A DOLT! EVEN IF GG WERE HERE, SHE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU!"   
  
"You idiot! I told you not to do it! Why don't you listen to me?"   
  
"You're an idiot, and I can't believe that Destiny is forcing me to work with you!"   
  
"Well, I don't see how working with you is going to accomplish anything!"   
  
"Hey, move it, Goron Boy!"   
  
"Eyes off, Rock Head! I told you, we only serve HUMANS!"   
  
"Hey Gordo! Get a look at this! The kid thinks he's a Goron!"   
  
"Hey Ernest, maybe he IS about as smart as a Goron!"   
  
And Dingledorf... That scumbag...   
"It doesn't matter if you can become human or not. You're still just a stupid little Goron, and a Goron and a pretty-boy hero are no match for me."   
Well, now I was going to show him exactly what kind of a match a Goron and a pretty-boy hero were against him...   
  
"Innocence..."   
  
"Don't you get it yet? I've already won! There's nothing you can do!"   
  
"...Medallion..."   
  
"Hey! Cut it out! Or I'll come over there and mess you up good!"   
I didn't stop. Dingledorf's eyes popped out. "Oh come on now! Let's talk this out... OK, so I lied! You didn't say yes, and yeah, I know I tried to kill you, but do we really have to end this in violence? I mean there's already so much violence in the world, and really, I didn't mean it! I won't hurt him! I won't hurt your dad or the authors or anyone! Oh, come on! The offer still stands you know... Now come on, little guy... Just put down the big nasty-looking blast of energy... PLEASE? Oh, come on! Please! I'll do anything! OK, well almost anything... You want me to put him down? OK then, fine! You put down that nasty energy blast and I'll... hey, you're not putting it down! We had a deal! Oh PLEASE! If there's any mercy in your sweet little Goron heart, just PLEASE don't finish! Please, do NOT say power! Please? PLEASE? I'm begging you! Come ON! PLEASE?"   
  
"...POWER!" the two voices screamed. I hardly recognized either of them as mine.   
  
A great swirl of the orange and yellow appeared. It was all swirling and bright... forming together into one big blast of power... It lit up the whole room. Dingledorf watched in terror as the power all gathered into a huge orb in my hands.   
"Oh man. Now why'd you have to go and say that? CALL IT BACK! CALL IT BACK! PLEASE!" Dingledorf begged. "I'll do whatever you say!"   
"Go away! Far, far away from Hyrule and Earth, for that matter! And STAY THERE!" Doseki and my voices screamed.   
Dingledorf's arm went limp. His eyes got wide like a little kid who's just realized that he broke Mommy's favorite lamp with Mommy standing right in the doorway.   
"Uh oh..."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(suspense-building nothingness to build suspense for the ending!)   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Whooooooooooooooooooooosh...   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
POW!   
  
The orb flew at Dingledorf and exploded, sending the evil guy flying backwards against the back wall of the temple, and sending Link to the ground.   
But it didn't stop there. Orb after orb after orb turned into blast after blast after blast, and the evil guy was smacked and hit and whomped and blasted and whacked and generally injured again and again and again.   
I have to admit, I was surprised. I thought being a Sage meant turning from a Goron to a human and back again, not... THIS.   
I began to feel kind of dizzy... Dingledorf was still being beat upon, and I wished I knew how Link was feeling...   
I screamed.   
Finally though, my power ran out. The blasts stopped. The light faded. I felt all tingly like I had the very first time I changed...   
And then I collapsed to the floor.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(more suspense-building nothingness)   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Doseki! Doseki! DOSEKI! Wake up! Are you all right?" Yumi cried worriedly. I felt her little hands on my face.   
"Ugh..." I grunted.   
"Doseki!" another voice cried.   
Link... he was OK! I saved him!   
Wait a sec... Doseki? Oh, I was Doseki again.   
I opened my eyes slowly. "Ugh..." I repeated.   
I saw Link and Yumi leaned over me, worried looks on their faces. I noticed that Link had a big hand mark on his neck. But other than that, he looked fine. Oh, except for the singed hair and the bruises and cuts from the rest of the fight.   
"What... what happened?" I groaned.   
"That was incredible!" Link cried. "That was spectacular! You looked... SO COOL! You were glowing, and there was all this magic stuff... and Doseki! The both of you were there! LL AND Doseki! Both standing in the same place! You must have like, separated so that you could cast that spell! But that was spectacular! That was incredible!"   
"You said that," I grunted.   
"I had no idea that you could do that! That was amazing!" Yumi squealed in joy. "You were so awesome! You saved Link!"   
I kinda smiled. "Yay..."   
They helped me to my feet, and I examined a bruise on my wrist. "Ooh... that hurt... wait! What happened to Dingledorf?"   
We heard a muffled grunt, and we spun around to see Dingledorf, in yet another indentation of himself in the wall.   
Wow, had we desecrated this temple or what?   
He looked unconscious. But he moved his head a little, and then his eyes opened.   
"You..." he groaned. "You... little... freak! How... did... you... do... that?"   
"He's STILL not dead?!" I gasped.   
I quickly turned to the clock. T-2:35...   
  
"Now... I'm going to get you..." Dingledorf sneered. "No way can you do that again... You're going to pay for that... You're all going to perish at my hands! Now say your..."   
Dingledorf was interrupted by a small sweet sound.   
I turned around and saw that it came from Link's Ocarina.   
  
It was the Ritornello of Author-Ism!   
  
  
  
STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF SAGE OF INNOCENCE SAGA-   
  
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL   
  
-or-   
  
THE FREAKY WEEKY ENDS   
  
-or-   
  
BACK TO ABNORMAL   
  
-or-   
  
THE LAST CHAPTER OF SAGE OF INNOCENCE SAGA 


	20. The Freaky Weeky Ends

Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors  
by Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER TWENTY: THE FREAKY WEEKY ENDS -or- THE LAST CHAPTER  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Barbie, the other authors, or anything really. SCREW THE OTHER STUFF! IT'S THE LAST CHAPTER! LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT!  
  
  
  
Hi it's me, for the last time! I'm going to get right to the point because I want to see what happens... All right, last chapter, Link, Yumi and I engaged in battle with Dingledorf Miltonia Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III, and it was action-packed! Oh, and Dingledorf offered to change the virus so that it would make me human forever, but it would also make me his son... Ewww... talk about bad bloodlines... I said no, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then I did this big cool Sage spell thing that weakened Dingledorf enough for the Author Sages to get him! Let's see how it ends! I hope it's happy... I love happy endings...  
  
  
  
Dingledorf heard the Ritornello and stared at Link. "That song... what's that song? What is it? ANSWER ME?"  
"It's the song that just sealed your fate, you jerk!" Yumi laughed.  
We heard six more voices chuckling, and six beams of light shot through the roof of the Temple of Time.   
In each beam appeared one of the Author Sages, laughing and standing on their own big replicas of their medallions, floating in mid-air. In the center of their circle floated the Mighty Laptop of Authorness.   
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy..." Jigglypuff giggled.  
"Ohhhh, are you in trouble now, Dingle-Berry!" Cerena laughed.  
"We're going to make you wish you'd stayed by the river..." Wintyr smirked.  
"This will be SO entertaining!" GG grinned.   
"Very much so," Chica added.  
"Quite very much so..." Zel snickered.  
Dingledorf turned to the Author Sages in rage. "YOU! You don't scare me, you pitiful humans! Watch! That clock is ticking down to your doom!"  
Dingledorf pointed to his clock, which had somehow frozen on 2:30.   
"WHAT? What... but... how?" he sputtered.  
Zel pressed the Enter key on the Laptop and handed it to Wintyr. "I assure you good sir, it has been my pleasure helping to ruin your day," Zel smiled. Zel's voice echoed through the temple as what she wrote took effect.  
  
FOR SOME ODD REASON, THE CLOCK STOPPED COUNTING DOWN ALTOGETHER. IT REMAINED FROZEN AT 2:30.   
  
Wintyr cracked her knuckles and turned to Link and me. "Don't worry you two... We'll make sure you don't get affected by the Laptop."  
Wintyr clicked a few letters on the keyboard, and the sound of her voice echoed through the temple.  
  
DINGLEDORF SUDDENLY BEGAN TO GLOW WITH A GOLDEN LIGHT. HE FOUND HIMSELF UNABLE TO MOVE, AND HE COULD NOT SUMMON THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT OFF THE SPELL.   
  
Sure enough, Dingledorf began to glow with a golden light. He looked at himself in horror and tried to move, but he found himself frozen in the power of Wintyr's writing.  
"ACK!" he yelled. "This isn't possible! I'M supposed to be controlling YOU!"  
Cerena took the Laptop from Wintyr, and typed in a sentence or two. Now her voice echoed through the temple.  
  
WHILE DINGLEDORF REMAINED FROZEN, TWO ULTRA-DELUXE ARMCHAIRS COMPLETE WITH A SNACK BAR, A LARGE TUB OF POPCORN, AND EVEN A LITTLE RECLINER FOR YUMI APPEARED NEXT TO LINK AND DOSEKI.   
  
Seconds later, two armchairs appeared next to Link and me, and we both took a seat for a snack. Yumi joined us, too.  
"Hey, thanks guys!" I called up.  
"No problem. Our pleasure," said Chica, taking the Laptop from the Sage of Truth.  
  
DINGLEDORF'S RIGHT ARM SWUNG UP AND SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD. HARD. REPEATEDLY, I MIGHT ADD.   
  
Dingledorf kept smacking himself in the head. "OH YEAH? You think you're so tough with your big laptop! Well I can do something about that! Just WATCH me beat it!"  
The inept little sorcerer tried with all his might to stop his right hand. But he found he couldn't do it.   
"This isn't POSSSSSSIBLE! You can't control everything with a LAPTOP!" Dingledorf screamed in rage, his lisp standing out over everything.  
"Wanna bet?" yelled Jigglypuff, borrowing the Laptop from Chica.  
  
DESPITE AN ARGUMENT FROM DINGLEDORF, THE IDIOT'S CLOTHES TURNED FROM AN AVERAGE WARLORD GERUDO'S GRAY OR BLACK ARMOR AND CAPE TO A STYLISH PINK ENSEMBLE FROM THIS SPRING'S BARBIE CLOTHES LINE: A MINISKIRT AND ADORABLE PINK TANKTOP!   
  
"Oh you WOULDN'T!" Dingledorf shrieked. "You wouldn't DARE change my clothes!" he added, as Jigglypuff's voice changed his clothes.  
"AAGGGH!" he shrieked. "MY MANLY BLACK... er, GRAY CLOTHES!"   
He was still smacking himself in the head. Meanwhile, Link, Yumi and I were enjoying tall, frosty mugs of root beer and a good laugh.  
"Lookin' good," GG laughed, taking the Laptop from Jigglypuff. "Now watch as I succumb the already blushing brute to some of the most heartless humiliation ever known..."  
  
DINGLEDORF WAS ALREADY EMBARRASSED, BUT HE HAD NO CLUE JUST HOW BAD IT WAS ABOUT TO GET. HE GASPED AS HE SUDDENLY APPEARED BEFORE THE ENTIRE GERUDO TRIBE IN NOTHING BUT HIS CUTE HEART-SPANGLED PINK BOXERS WITH MATCHING HALTER TOP WHILE BELTING OUT BROADWAY SHOW TUNES. IN A SQUEAKY ADOLESCENT VOICE, I MIGHT ADD  
  
"NOOOOOO!" Dingledorf screamed, as hundreds of fake Gerudos appeared in the room. Jigglypuff's miniskirt and tanktop vanished, and were replaced by pink heart boxer shorts and a matching halter top. Then he uncontrollably began to squeak out show tunes.  
"GIVE my re-GARDS to BROOOOOAAAAAD-way!" he squealed. "TAKE ME TO HERALD S-QUAAAAAAREEEE!"   
The other Sages clapped as GG handed the Laptop back to Zel.   
"MEEEEEEEMORIEEEEEES! ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOONLIIIIIIIIGHT! ALL ALONE IN THE STREEEEEEEEEEEETLIIIIIGHT!"   
  
BEFORE CONTINUING, ZEL SYMPATHETICALLY SUPPLIED LINK, DOSEKI AND YUMI WITH EARPLUGS. THEN, SHE GAVE DINGLEDORF A COMPLIMENTARY PAPERCUT ON THE SKIN BETWEEN EACH OF HIS FINGERS.   
  
The bad guy screamed in pain, and then he yelled out again, "IIIIIF I WERE A RICH MAAAAAN! AYYYYBA DAYYYBA DAAAYYYYBA DAAAAAYYYBA DAYBA DAAAAYYYYBA DAAAAAAAAA!"  
"Well that's quite enough of that," Wintyr said, rolling her eyes. She took the laptop from Zel and typed something in.  
  
BORED WITH SHOW TUNES, DINGLEDORF INVOLUNTARILY DECIDED TO SING THE THEME SONGS FROM SEVERAL POPULAR TV SHOWS. YOU KNOW, THE ONES WITH THE REALLY ANNOYING SINGERS.   
  
"POKEMON!" screamed Dingledorf. "GOTTA CATCH 'EM AAAAAALL! IT'S YOU AND MEEE! I KNOW IT'S MY DEEEEE-STIIIINYYY!"  
"This is fun and all guys, but we need to think of some way to get rid of him for good!" Cerena said, taking the Laptop from Wintyr.   
"Good idea," Jigglypuff said. "How about... Um..."  
"Well, we could..." Chica started. "Er, maybe not..."  
"OH! I GOT IT!" GG yelled. "The most ironic ending of all! The one that would make so much sense but that hardly anyone would expect!"  
"I think I know what she means..." Cerena grinned, typing in something.  
  
DINGLEDORF WAS BACK IN HIS OLD CLOTHES WITHIN SECONDS. HE STOPPED THE SINGING, THE SMACKING, AND THE GERUDOS ALL DISAPPEARED. BECAUSE THE AUTHOR SAGES HAD PLANNED SOMETHING EXCELLENT...   
  
She handed it to Chica, who continued.  
  
THE AUTHOR SAGES, DESPITE THEIR COMPLETE LACK OF KNOW-HOW ABOUT VIRUSES AND SUCH, SOMEHOW TAPPED INTO THE CENTRAL PART OF DINGLEDORF'S VIRUS.   
  
Jigglypuff took it from there.  
  
JIGGLYPUFF MADE A FEW MINOR ADJUSTMENTS, (TO BE REVEALED LATER) AND THEN THE SAGES SEALED UP THE VIRUS FILES FOREVER. THEY COULD NEVER BE CHANGED AGAIN BY ANYBODY.   
  
Wintyr whispered something to GG, and GG handed the computer from Jigglypuff to Wintyr.  
  
SUDDENLY, THE HYLIAN SENATE MADE MONOGAMY LEGAL, AND SECONDS LATER, LINK AND KAFEI BOTH FOUND THEMSELVES MARRIED TO WINTYR  
  
Link screamed, and GG gasped and threw Wintyr a Look.  
"I tried!" she shrugged, typing in something else.  
  
NO, JUST KIDDING... BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN UNEXPECTED ENDING, RIGHT?   
  
GG then took the computer from Wintyr, and shaking her head, typed in the rest.  
  
AND THEN, IT WAS TIME TO END EVERYTHING. THE AUTHOR SAGES USED THEIR POWERS COMBINED TO OPEN UP A PORTAL INTO THE SACRED REALM RIGHT BELOW DINGLEDORF. THE POWER OF ITS FORCE PULLED AND PULLED ON THE EVIL WANNABE, WHO GRABBED ONTO THE WALL AND WHINED PITIFULLY, AS USUAL  
  
Everything came true. A huge, blinding light appeared in the floor below Dingledorf, and the glow vanished. Dingledorf screamed and jumped away, grabbing onto the wall and whining pitifully.  
"NO! NO! IT'S NOT FAIR! I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD! I WANT A CHANCE! PLEASE! I WANTED TO BE THE KING! THAT'S ALL! I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD KING! NOO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I DON'T WANNA LOSE! I WANT TO BE THE KING! I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA!"  
GG rolled her eyes and added more.  
  
BORED OF HIS WHINING, THE AUTHOR SAGES ALSO CREATED A GAG TO STUFF IN HIS MOUTH. APPROPRIATELY, ONE OF HIS OWN DIRTY SOCKS. AAANYWAY, DINGLEDORF'S FINGERS WERE RAPIDLY SLIPPING OFF THE WALL. HE SPIT OUT THE SOCK, LET OUT ONE LAST CURSE, AND THEN THE BLINDING LIGHT ERUPTED FROM THE PORTAL AND FILLED THE ROOM.   
  
Dingledorf spit out the sock, and Link, Yumi and I all stood up.  
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU JERKS! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, LINK! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU STUPID FAIRY! AND... YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET THIS, YOU WEASELY LITTLE GORON! I WILL MAKE IT SO YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER HEARD OF THE DRAGMIRES! I WILL-"  
Then, the three of us covered our eyes and as written, the light exploded from the portal and filled the entire room.  
  
It was just like when the virus had started... the light covered everything, and we could not see at all! I covered my eyes, and waited for it to be over. We heard screaming coming from the direction of Dingledorf.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
We heard a WOOOOOOOOP sound as Dingledorf went flying into the portal, screaming all the way. Then a high pitched howling filled the air as the light began to be sucked back into the portal as well, sealing the door from the Sacred Realm to Hyrule.   
The howling began to die down, and WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH...  
  
POP!  
  
Everything was quiet.   
  
I moved my hands from over my eyes and looked around. Everything was still the same. The holes in the walls, the dust from the holes in the walls, and everything. But the armchairs, and Dingledorf, were gone.   
"L-L-Link?" I stuttered. "What happened?"   
I stared at my hands. They were still human... So what had the Author Sages done?  
Link looked around. "I... I don't know... But we did it, LL! Er, Doseki! We did it! We beat Dingledorf!"  
"WE DID?" I gasped.  
"You totally did AWESOME!" Yumi cried. "You guys kicked arse! It made me proud to be your fairy!"   
"Awww, Yumi..." I mumbled, smiling.   
"Guys!" cried a voice.  
We turned around and saw the Author Sages standing near the Door of Time. They all ran over to us.   
"That was incredible!" Chica gasped. "What an amazing battle! It was so suspenseful! And... AWESOME!"   
"I loved watching you kick that big jerk's butt, Link!" Wintyr grinned.  
"I can't believe it!" I gasped. "I helped beat DINGLEDORF? And even more, I helped LINK beat Dingledorf?"  
"You certainly did," Zel smiled. "We knew you could do it!"  
"It will make an incredible story!" Jigglypuff said in awe. "Or... even a movie! Or a video game! How would you like your own video game, Doseki?"  
I blushed. "Oh gee..."  
GG was smiling too. "It was great."  
"But wait," asked Link. "What did you guys do exactly?"  
"Oh. We threw Dingledorf into the Sacred Realm," Wintyr explained.  
"With his brother?" Link asked again, kind of alarmed.  
"Yep. Isn't it great?" laughed Jigglypuff.   
"Now they can spend the rest of their pitiful little lives fighting. I betcha Dingledorf will be pretty mad to find out we've locked him up with Ganny-Poo..." GG smiled.  
  
  
  
AT THAT SECOND, IN THE SACRED REALM...   
  
Ganondorf sat in a salon-style hair-curling chair, listening to his favorite Bananarama album, wearing his reading glasses and flipping through the latest issue of BAD GUY MONTHLY.   
"Gruntilda's Beauty Tips For Ugly Girls... Hmmm... An Interview With The Dimension EXX Alliance of Dastardly Evil... OOOOH! Quick Spells For Slow And Painful Dooms, by Majora! I'll have to read THAT!"  
Suddenly, a faint sound of tortured screaming became audible.  
"Oh, who could that be? OH!" Ganondorf squealed, leaping up and bonking his head on the curling chair.  
"OWW!" he whined. "Oh! Maybe that's my Gerudo followers! Or someone else! They FINALLY figured out a way to get me out of here! REVENGE WILL BE MINE! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!" giggled Ganondorf maniacally.   
A figure crashed to the invisible floor of Ganondorf's makeshift salon, and a loud "OOF!" was heard.  
"Huh? Who are you?!" yelled Ganondorf.  
"THAT VOICE!" cried the figure, standing up.  
Ganondorf gasped when he stared into the muddy, beaten, gnarled, and very, VERY, VEEEERRRYYYY PO'ed face of his long-lost twin brother, Dingledorf.  
"DINGLEDORF!" gasped Ganondorf.  
"GANONDORF!" gasped Dingledorf. "AGGGH! THEY'VE LOCKED ME AWAY WITH MY BROTHER!?!?!?!"  
"Who locked you away?" asked Ganondorf.  
"YOU NEVER MIND! I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME TO GET A HOLD OF YOU!" Dingledorf shrieked, leaping upon his brother and grabbing him by the hair.  
"OW! HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?! OUCH! HEY DINGLEBERRY, STOP HITTING ME! STOP! OW! OUCH! OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUCHH! CUT IT OUT! OW! OW! OW! HEY! OWWWWWW!"  
  
  
  
  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, NUTS?" shrieked Link. "Those two could easily escape!"  
Zel laughed. "Oh, don't worry. We totally stripped him of his powers, and you know there's no way out of the Sacred Realm. Unless someone writes them out."  
Link looked even more alarmed.  
Cerena raised her eyebrows. "Oh puh-lease Link, you actually think we would? And we've fixed it so that no one CAN write them out of there anyway."  
"How did you do that?" Yumi interjected.  
"It's a really, really long story..." Wintyr sighed, "But here goes."  
"I've added on to the virus. In fact, it's going to go off in two minutes," Jigglypuff said, pointing to the clock on the wall, which was now once again ticking down.  
The three of us gasped.  
"No, no, don't worry. We've fixed it." Chica said. "It's now called the Real Reality Virus. Instead of resetting time, the virus will reset the other virus. All of the authors will get back their memories and their powers, all of the damage done by Dingledorf and the authors will be repaired. Everything will be as it was before!"   
"Oh, good!" Yumi nodded.   
"Thank goodness!" I sighed. "I can't wait to go home and show my dad..."  
Cerena bit her lip. "Um, that's the thing, Doseki... We're not sure if you'll still be able to use the Innocence Medallion."  
"WHAT?!" I gasped. "Awww... but I liked being the Innocence Sage!"  
"WHAT?" Link cried. "You're kidding me! These past seven days, all you've done is whine about getting back in your other body!"  
"Well, I've kind of... grown attached to Doseki..." I said sheepishly. "Here I am just getting used to it, and now I won't be the Innocence Sage anymore."  
"We never said that," GG said. "Chances are, you'll still be the Innocence Sage and you'll still be able to turn into a human. But it'll probably use a little bit more of your energy."  
"Oh," I said. "But that's probably. There's still a chance."  
"Isn't that always the way it goes?" shrugged Jigglypuff. "Oh, and the authors won't have any idea what happened. The only people who will still remember this week are you Link and you Doseki, the Six Sages, we six Author Sages, and the real, normal citizens of Hyrule."  
"But isn't that a bad thing? The citizens?" asked Link.  
"Well jeez, we couldn't fix EVERYTHING. But the authors will be back to normal, and time will resume its normal flow. That's all that matters," Wintyr said.  
"You guys really did a great job this past week," Cerena smiled. "I can't remember most of it, but you really did come through."  
"No kidding," Chica added. "I'm sure Destiny is proud of you too."  
  
** OH, I AM. TRUST ME.**  
  
The nine of us jumped in surprise when Destiny spoke.  
"Oh! Destiny!" I cried. "HEY DESTINY! We did it! Link and me, we really did it!"  
  
** I KNOW, I KNOW! WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SPEAKING TO YOU OUTSIDE THE CHAMBER OF SAGES? YOU GUYS WERE SPECTACULAR. I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE. I KNOW AT THE BEGINNING I WAS KIND OF DOUBTFUL OF YOU, AND I KNOW I WASTED A WHOLE WEEK OF BOTH OF YOUR LIVES, BUT IT NEEDED TO BE DONE. AND YOU GUYS WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR ME. ALL OF HYRULE AND MYSELF THANK YOU. **  
  
"You're welcome," I said cheerfully.  
"It's our job," Link nodded.  
"Sure," Yumi grinned.  
  
** I CAN'T TALK FOR LONG OUTSIDE THE SACRED REALM, SO I'LL MAKE IT QUICK... ALSO, GREAT JOB, AUTHOR SAGES. IT WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT CHOICE, BUT I THINK I DID GOOD.**  
  
"Aw, thankies Destiny!" Wintyr grinned.  
"It was our pleasure!" GG smiled.  
"Yeah!" Chica added.  
"I'd do it again," Zel nodded.  
"Honored to be of service," Jigglypuff said.  
"Ditto!" Cerena laughed.  
  
** WELL... I GUESS I'D BETTER BE- **  
  
"Wait, Destiny... If you knew who the bad guy was this whole time why didn't you stop him? You can control that, can't you?" asked Link.  
  
** LINKY, LINKY, LINKY... MY JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR DESTINIES. NOT TO DICTATE THEM. I COULDN'T HAVE STOPPED HIM, BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTROL ANYONE'S DESTINY. THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT UP FOR THEMSELVES. THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS JUST PUT ME IN CHARGE OF HELPING THE DESTINED TO REALIZE THAT THEY ARE INDEED, DESTINED.**  
  
"Oh," I nodded.  
  
** WELL, THANKS AGAIN YOU TWO. YOU'VE DONE ME PROUD. NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS OLD GIRL TO SHUT HER TRAP AND GET BACK INTO THE SACRED REALM WHERE SHE BELONGS.**  
  
"Awww... Will I ever talk to you again?" I asked.  
  
** YOU KNOW THAT ANNOYING VOICE THAT EGGS YOU ON WHENEVER YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND ARE CONSIDERING BLOWING IT OFF? THAT'S ME. AND BESIDES THAT, I HAVE A FEELING THAT WE'LL BE SPEAKING AGAIN IN A VERY SHORT TIME PERIOD, DOSEKI. THERE'S ALWAYS THE SEQUEL, YA KNOW.**  
  
"Oh. Bye, Destiny!" I said happily.  
"Yeah, and thanks!" Link added.  
"Ciao!" Yumi grinned.  
  
** YOU GO, GUYS. ALL RIGHT, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE THEN. DESTINY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!**  
  
And then she shut up.  
  
There was kind of a loud beeping noise, and the clock began to flash. There was only a minute fifteen left.  
"Yikes! We'd better scram, you guys. We don't know what'll happen if we're still hanging around when the new virus goes off!" Wintyr said.   
"Yeah, definitely." Cerena nodded.  
"What do we do?" asked Link.  
"Oh, you'll be fine. There will be a couple minutes there where you guys are just like, senseless and then the light will fade and voila! You're back where you need to be," Jigglypuff explained.  
"Oh." I said.  
"Well... it's been an honor helping you guys," Zel said, sweeping a little bow.   
"Definitely!" Cerena nodded. "It was the coolest!"  
"I guess we'll talk to you two later, after everything is settled down again." Wintyr said, shooting a glance at Link. "Especially you, sweetie."  
Link turned bright red, and Yumi laughed.  
Chica nodded. "Oh, look over there! Our circle has arrived! We'll see you guys later, 'K?"   
"OK!" I said.  
"And one last time, great job!" Jigglypuff said, racing over to the circle.   
He stood on the DDR Seal, and it glowed dark green.  
Chica, Cerena, Wintyr and Zel all uttered a farewell, then ran over to their respected circles. Their seals glowed too.  
  
Hey wait... where did GG go?  
I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Um, Doseki?"  
It was GG. She was blushing.   
"Oh, hi GG!" I grinned. "Shouldn't you be going now?"  
"Gimme a sec, I need to talk to you!" she said, eyeing Link and Yumi. "Um, could we have... a minute you guys?"  
"Oh, sure." Link said, grabbing Yumi and walking away. As he left, he turned around and gave me the thumbs-up. I scowled at him.  
"A minute is exactly what you have, GG!" yelled Zel from the circle. "Hurry up!"  
  
"Hey Doseki," she said once everyone had left us alone.  
"Hi GG!" I grinned again.  
"Um, listen... I haven't really had a chance to talk to you face-to-face in that body yet... And I guess that now's not the best time, but I have to say this... It's awfully handsome, you know." She studied my face. "Oh, but you look so awkward like that!"  
I blushed. "Heh heh, uh yeah..."  
That might have been the last time that GG would be able to look up and see me. In a few minutes, I would be a foot and a half shorter than her again.  
"Oh, off the subject. Anyway, you probably don't know this, but I... we were watching you guys fight on the Jumbo-Vision. And... I heard what Dingledorf said to you."  
"Oh... THAT." I said, blushing again. "I'm sorry GG, I know you would have preferred if I said yes but I couldn't do that to my dad and..."  
"No!" GG said, dismayed. "I am SO glad you said no!"  
"HUH?" I said, very confused.  
"I'm not that shallow, you know." GG said, turning redder by the second. "Hey, do you think the fact that my boyfriend is a Goron bothers me?"  
"Well..."  
"Would I have gone out with you in the first place if it bothered me?"  
"No?" I guessed.   
"Of course not. Listen, I think the fact that you're a Goron bothers YOU," she explained. "Is that why what he said bugged you so much?"  
"A little," I said. "Well I think so anyway... I mean, you're so pretty, and I'm... well I'm OK now, but on the other hand..."  
"I don't care about that," GG said. "I thought you knew that."  
"Oh." I said, my face turning almost as red as my eyes. "Are you mad at me?"  
"No, I'm proud of you. That took a lot of guts, standing up to him like that. And I would never, EVER want you to do anything like that! I like you just the way you are."  
"But someday..." I stammered.  
"Who cares about someday? I know very well that someday we'll be too old for this silly little 'going out' thing and we'll both marry someone else. But we can be friends." GG pointed out. "And besides, is that 'someday' today?"  
"No. At least, I don't think so."   
"So why worry about it?" asked GG, frowning. But then she smiled.   
"I don't know."  
"Good. Don't worry about it."   
"OK, GG." I said.   
The clock was ticking even lower. It now read T-0:32...  
"Um, GG, you should probably go," I said.  
"Yeah, I know. But first..." she said. "I wanted to thank you again. For everything. Not just for me, but for all of the authors. They won't know what happened, so they can't thank you. But they owe you big time. And I'm thanking you on behalf of all the authors and their families, too."   
"Oh. You're welcome!" I grinned.  
"Well yeah... I should go now," she said, eyeing the other Author Sages, who were jumping around whistling and pointing to GG's empty Sage seal.   
I turned around to head for Link and Yumi, but then GG stopped me again. "Doseki, just one more thing."  
I half turned around. "Hmm, G-"  
  
I never got a chance to finish. Because at that exact second, she grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a big, LONG kiss right on the lips.  
"MPH!" I shrieked, my eyes popping out.   
It was like someone jumping out of a dark corner and smacking me on the back, screaming "SURPRISE!"   
I became aware of laughing and clapping and screaming.   
I realized that maybe I was insulting GG looking around. So I gradually calmed down and my eyes just kind of drifted shut.   
Wow... so that's what making out was like...   
I lost everything. The screaming and the laughing and everything was gone.   
Eww... this is starting to sound like the script for a mush movie.  
  
Anyway, as quickly as she had started, GG finished. She was bright, BRIGHT red, almost as red as her superheroine cape.  
I'm sure I had turned a similar color.  
GG hugged her chest and blushed. "I'm sorry... heh, uh... yeah... that was... sudden..."  
"Um, yeah..." I muttered. "Wow... heh heh... uh..."  
"Well, I... um, best be... going..."  
"Yeah, uh... I guess... heh heh..."  
"Um, yeah... heh heh... wow..."  
"Uh... yeah... see you... later..."  
"Um, yeah... Later is good..."  
"Later, good... um, heh heh... yeah..."  
"Bye, Doseki..." GG murmured. Then she turned totally red and scampered off to the Sage circle, where she was met by laughs and slaps on the back and thumbs-ups.  
I just stood there, staring into nothing and murmuring like an idiot as I watched each of the Author Sages vanish.  
GG winked at me, still blushing like crazy, before she teleported back to her home on Earth.  
  
And that's the story of how I got my first kiss.  
  
THE END  
  
  
Ha! Just joking. You think I'd actually drop you guys off like that? And it's a bigger story than that. There's more to it, too.  
  
  
Link ran over to me in dismay. "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me! I'm 20 whole years old and Wintyr's only the first non-Zora, pretty girl to kiss me. And you're only 14! AAGGGH! How do you do it?"  
"... mmmmdaaaaaaaaaa..." I sputtered.   
"Wow... that was sudden!" Yumi laughed.   
"... mmmdaaaaaaaaaaa..." I sputtered again.  
"Wait!" gasped Link. "How much time do we have left?"  
We looked up at the clock to see that it now had only 13 seconds left!  
"AAGGH!" I shrieked. "EEK! WHAT DO WE DO, LINK? WHADDA WE DOOOO?"  
"Calm the heck down!" he yelled. "It's going to be all right!"  
"What's gonna happen?" I asked worriedly.   
"I don't know... but whatever will happen, we know it's for the best," Link said calmly.  
A shrill and annoying buzzer began to whine, and Link, Yumi and I all huddled in a big cluster.   
"THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!" I yelled.  
A loud voice began to read off the numbers as the seconds clicked down.  
10...  
"Hold on, Link! Hold on, Doseki!"  
9...  
"Here goes nothing..."  
8...  
7...  
6...  
"I'M SCARED!"  
5...  
"NO TIME FOR THAT! JUST HOLD ON!"  
4...  
"HERE WE GO!"  
2...  
"2? WHAT HAPPENED TO 3?" shrieked Yumi.  
"Just kidding," said GG's voice over the amplifier next to the countdown clock.   
It's just like her to do something like that.  
3...  
2...  
1...  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"  
  
There was a violent explosion that threw all three of us backwards and away from each other.   
It was exactly like when the Reality Virus had taken over! We heard screams of terror from all over Hyrule, and even Termina, if you listened close enough.  
But it was hard to hear from the howling of the wind, sucking things up and it was even harder to see from the white light.   
I heard Link screaming, but not Yumi... OH NO! If Yumi had gotten hurt, I would just...  
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!   
It was too confusing to do anything but shut your eyes tight and ride it out.  
As the wind howled, we heard the familiar tones of the Ritornello of Author-Ism blaring out over everything.  
I bet the self-advertisement had been Jigglypuff's idea!  
As the light shined on and the wind and the Ritornello howled, I suddenly became aware of a sensation altogether new to me.   
I was falling!  
No, I was standing still!  
But I was falling!  
It was like I was falling, even though I was standing still.  
Well, that was a little redundant.  
(If I had a nickel for every time I've said that so far... I'd have a dime.)  
  
Anyway, everything is kind of blank after that. It seemed like an hour had passed, but it was only a few second's time. Kind of like math class.   
The wind eventually became silent, and so did the screaming. It was just me, falling, but not falling in a huge blustery tunnel of light.  
"Huh?" I gasped out.  
My voice echoed for miles.  
"What happened?"   
It echoed again.  
"Did I DIE?"  
My entire body felt tingly, like I had just been given a huge shot of Novocaine. Suddenly, memories came flooding back to me, in little bits all added together.  
  
(To get the full effect of this part, click back to the first chapter and speed-read all the way back to the next paragraph within 15 seconds.)  
  
Nah, only kidding.  
  
It was like in movies when people's lives flashed before their eyes when they thought they were going to die. But instead of my life, it was the last week.   
I saw everything. The mountains, the desert, the forest, the graveyard... the Teletubbies, the neon lights, the tornadoes and the Shiniinoru... Galaxy, Energy, DDR, Randomness, Emotion and Truth... GG, Chica, Jigglypuff, Zel, Wintyr and Cerena...  
And above all, there was an orange light at the "bottom" of the tunnel I was in. It was a warm glow that seemed to chase away all the rest of the memories and shadows away.  
I wondered if the authors were going through the same thing that I was...  
  
And then... BANG!  
  
I hit the ground.  
  
"Ow..." I mumbled. "That hurt..."  
I suddenly felt so sleepy that I wanted to take a nap right there and then. So I did.  
  
Hey, for all the descriptiveness, I didn't end it as well as you thought I would.  
Fooooooled youuuuu...  
  
The first thing I remember when I woke up is that I felt all tingly again. It was like a million people rubbed their wool socks on the carpet to get static charge and then started poking me on my face and arms and legs and stomach.  
And with every little zap, I felt smaller and smaller.  
Then it stopped.  
The sun was RIGHT in my face when I opened my eyes.  
"Owww... sun... too... bright!" I moaned.  
I sat up. I was outside the Temple of Time. It was daytime.   
The first thing I saw was Link. He was standing near me, and for some reason, all of his injuries were healed! His clothes were whole again, his hair was fixed with all the gel as usual, and he stood staring at the top of Death Mountain.   
The cloud was back to normal!  
"We did it!" I cheered. "We really did it! We saved Hyrule!"  
"Not just Hyrule," Link said quietly. "We saved the whole world."   
"I'm a HERO! Just like my DADDY!" I shouted. Jumping around, I started to sing. "OH HAAAAAAIL THE GREAT GORON HERO! HIS NAAAAAME IS LITTLE LINK! LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS, OR HE'S LL FOR SHORT! HE'S THE GREATEST HERO SINCE DARUNIAAAAAAA!"  
Suddenly, I tripped on something and went face-first into the ground.  
"OOF!" I yelled. I tried to get up, and then I saw the rough yellowish tan hand in front of me.  
"I'm me again!" I cried. "I'm a Goron!"  
"So I noticed," Link laughed. "I'm just glad everything is back to normal!"  
"Me too," I said. "Well, we THINK it's back to normal."  
I reached for my Innocence Medallion, and became relieved when I found it was still there. So I was still a Sage... but did the medallion really work anymore?  
"All right!" I grinned. "We did it!" I was so excited, I couldn't help but repeat myself.  
"Heck yeah," Link smiled. "And I couldn't have done a better job by myself!"  
"You mean it?" I gasped. "You mean I WASN'T a pain in the butt to work with?"  
"Well, actually, you were. But you weren't THAT bad," Link chuckled. "And you really came through there at the end. After all, if you hadn't performed that little Sage-induced temper tantrum back there, I might be as dead as a doornail by now."  
"Ah, I owed you one anyway." I said.   
"What did I tell you about owing people stuff? When you're a hero, you never expect to be paid back."  
"Oh yeah," I said. "Oh wait... Link, I don't really think I want to be a hero."  
"You don't?" he asked, confused. "But that's all you've wanted to be from the beginning."  
"I wanna be a Goron Hero instead!" I grinned.  
"And what, pray tell, is a Goron Hero?"  
"Just like a normal hero. Only they hire me whenever anything bad happens to the GORONS." I sighed. "It's much less stressful."  
"And probably a good idea," Link said.   
"You know, you could be like a, 'Kokiri Hero' or something." I suggested. "It wouldn't be hard."  
"I can't. For three reasons. One, I'm the Hero of Time. That's my job. I have to save everyone's butts. Two, I'm not technically a Kokiri. And Three, I like my job just fine."  
"Well, I'll like mine too!" I nodded. "And whenever something bad happens to the Gorons or Death Mountain, I'd better see your little Hylian hide there pretty darn quick, buddy."   
"Oh, of course," he said. "And I'd better see your little Goron butt right there next to me, buddy."  
"Sure," I sighed. "As long as no water is involved. I hate water."  
  
Wait... something was missing.   
Link was there and I was there... But for some reason... Something wasn't right...  
"YUMI!" I gasped. "Link, what happened to Yumi?"  
"I... I don't know!" he stammered. "I saw her on your shoulder just before the new virus went off. I didn't see her at all after that."  
"Yumi!" I yelled, searching around frantically.  
I turned towards the Temple of Time, briefly noticing that the giant Dingledorf-shaped hole in the side was gone. Everything had been rebuilt there.  
"Yumi!" I cried out again. Then I saw something.   
"Oh NO!" I gasped.  
Crumpled out on the steps of the Temple of Time was a figure in purple clothes...  
  
"Link! I found Yumi!" I yelled, running over to the fallen fairy.  
She was almost as big as Link now... hmm... OH!   
Yumi was really Princess of the Pixies.  
Oh. I almost forgot. Yumi wasn't Yumi at all... There was no such person as Yumi! It was Princess of the Pixies.  
Link raced over to us. "Oh man... Wait. This is what she's supposed to look like. I forgot."  
Wow, it had taken us so long to actually remember to call her "Yumi". Now we would need to try not to, and call her "Princess" again.  
Suddenly, she moved.  
"Yikes!" I gasped, jumping up.   
Yumi- er, Princess sat up slowly, and opened her big groggy eyes. "Ugh..." she grunted. "What... what happened?"  
"Hi Princess!" I grinned.  
"Huh? Oh! Link! LL! Hey, what are you guys doing in my computer room...?"  
Link tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the giant cathedral behind her.  
Princess stared at the Temple, then at Link, and pointed from one to the other, muttering. "Uh... I take it... I'm... NOT... in my computer room anymore?"  
"Nope," I said. "You're in Hyrule!"  
"How did I get HERE?" she asked, scratching her head. "And... what happened to my clothes?"  
"Ah, the mysteries of life." Link said, staring at the sky dramatically.  
"Well. However I got here, I suppose I'd better get back home. My family is going to get worried." Princess stood up and dusted off her skirt. "Well, OK. Thanks for waking me up, you guys."  
"No problem," I said weakly.  
"It's... our job..." Link stuttered.  
Princess strolled casually towards the Hyrule Castle Town Marketplace muttering things like, "Huh... this is weird..." and even her trademark, "TERRIBLY mysterious..."  
Then she tripped over a rock. "HO-LY PURPLE DISHWASHERS, BATMAN!" she yelped out.  
Link and I could hardly keep from laughing.   
Then she disappeared into a crowd in the market.  
"Our little Yumi is all grown up now..." I wailed, grabbing a Kleenex from my pocket.  
"No, she's just perfectly normal. You should say that one week ago, our little Princess of the Pixies is all grown DOWN." Link corrected.  
"Hey, speaking of authors, I wonder where they all are?" I asked Link.  
"I have a feeling we'll find out," Link said, motioning for me to follow him to the marketplace.  
  
It was like an author party! Almost ALL of the authors we had met on our trek were stumbling around the market confusedly.  
Misty Dawn had just run into the castle town, back to her normal self. She was holding the Running Girl's Bunny Hood and walking around staring at her clothes in disbelief. "I... Misty Dawn... am wearing a freakin' TOGA!" she shrieked. "A TOGA? Why on Earth am I wearing a TOGA? I don't even think I would know where to GET a TOGA!"   
The Running Man walked by at that second, and seeing Misty Dawn, shrieked in terror and raced away.  
Mister Crash and Saridaru, the former Author Poes and traveling leash salespeople had found their way to the market, too.   
"Why are you wearing the same clothes as me?" asked Crash angrily.  
"Hey bub, I have no clue what you're talking about. You're wearing the same clothes as ME!" Saridaru said angrily.   
"I'd NEVER wear ANYTHING like this under normal circumstances!" Crash said irritably. "So, I MUST be wearing your clothes..."  
"Hey, me either. So it must be you who started the whole 'brown cotton shirt and white belt' fashion craze." Saridaru pointed out.  
"Um, no."  
"I think so."  
"Uh, no."  
"Come on! It had to be you!"  
"Not necessarily."  
"'Fess up already! I'm wearing your clothes!"  
"I DO NOT WEAR FRUIT SUITS LIKE THIS!" Crash screamed.  
Into the marketplace trudged Sikes, the very first author we had seen at all. You know, the one who thought he was a Goron.  
"Oh my gosh... my stomach hurts..." he wailed. "I don't know what it is... it's like I just ate a whole plate full of rocks..."  
"Oh, that's NOTHING!" said Myst, out of her shiny blue Zora spandex and back into more... normal clothing. "When I woke up this morning, I found myself with a LIVE FISH in my mouth!"  
"So?" bragged Black Pegasus. "I was wearing a saddle."  
"Yeah? Me too," said Ros51.   
Angered Fairy and Blossom Waters stomped angrily into the marketplace, clad in their Gerudo halter tops.  
"Ya know Blossom, next time you get us high on Sweet N' Low and sign us up to join the Gerudo, why don't you ASK me first?" Angered Fairy yelled.  
"I didn't have ANY Sweet N' Low at ALL even recently!" Blossom retorted. "It must have been you."  
Female Mikau and Dekugirl had somehow found their way to the market, too. It was like a great author gathering.  
The Kokiri authors stumbled into the market seconds later. Lily Mucca-Chan, Kesu, Blue Wizardess, Chaosweapon, Gullwhacker, BB, and even Omnisplash (Who had NOT died, by the way) looked very unhappy.  
"Hey, what's wrong, guys?" asked a regular Hylian.  
"WE WOKE UP AND WE WERE WEARING EXTREMELY SMALL CLOTHES AND HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE KOKIRI!" snapped BB.   
"AND WE HAVEN'T HAD OUR COFFEE!" Chaosweapon added.  
"I got some right here," said Lady Alexandra Spears, one of the authors who had inhabited Hyrule Castle Town.   
The Kokiri Authors greedily emptied out Alexandra's entire pot of freshly brewed magic coffee.  
"Hey, thanks!" said Kesu, suddenly very pleasant.   
Alexandra stared into the empty coffeepot angrily. "Oh gee, thanks for saving me some."  
  
Link and I stared at the giant mob of authors, and shook our heads.  
"Hey, you think they'd just all go home already." I said.  
"Yeah, really. HEYYY, WAIT A SEC!" Link cried. "IT WAS SIX O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHEN WE WENT INTO THE TEMPLE OF TIME! NOW IT'S ONLY TEN IN THE MORNING! What happened?"  
Suddenly, there was a quick flash of gold in the sky and we heard Jigglypuff's frantic voice.  
  
AND THEN SUDDENLY REALIZING THAT WHAT HE SAID WAS TRUE, LINK PLAYED THE SUN'S SONG AND TURNED IT TO NIGHTIME AGAIN.   
  
Link's arm turned gold and he immediately pulled out his Ocarina and played a song.  
The sun totally dropped in the sky until it was almost set, and the moon was just coming up over the horizon.   
"HEYY!" Link yelled.   
"Well, you fixed it, at least." I shrugged.  
"Come on, LL. I'm gonna take you home now."  
"YAY!" I cheered happily.   
  
Just as we exited Hyrule Castle Town, Link stopped. "Hey, look LL!"  
I turned around and saw hundreds of flashes of light in the sky over the marketplace.   
"The authors! They're all going home now." Link explained.  
"Oh, good. Just in time for supper." I said in satisfaction.  
"It looks like tomorrow will be a beautiful day..." Link smiled.  
"What kind of stupid, cheesy thing to say is that?" I said in dismay.  
"WHAT? Oh boy... You really have spent too much time with me, LL..." Link sighed.  
  
  
  
To make a long story short, we made it to Death Mountain.  
And FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY... we reached the entrance to HOME! GORON CITY!  
"MY BELOVED HOME!" I screamed as I ran inside. "I'VE MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!"  
"SON!" I heard echo throughout the city.  
I heard what sounded like a stampede, and then the entire populace of Goron City, with Dad at front, rolled up to Link and me.  
They all unrolled, and Dad grabbed me in a great big hug.   
"OH LL! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS PAST WEEK, YOU NAUGHTY BOY? I'VE MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!" Dad cooed, squeezing me.  
"DAD!" I coughed. "AIIIIR!"  
"Oh, sorry," he grinned, setting me down. All of the other Gorons ran up to me and bombarded me with questions.  
"Where have you been, Little Brother?"  
"Did you have to eat the nasty village rocks?"  
"Did you have fun?"  
"Oh, you've been gone a long time! Did you have to eat... gulp... FOOD?"  
"Whoa, hey, easy guys!" I whined. "I'm sleepy!"  
Over all the mumbling, I could hear Dad and Link talking.  
"Well, Brother... you've got some explaining to do."  
"Yeah I know, Darunia."  
"Where have you guys been?"  
"All over the place! And LL helped me save the whole entire world!"  
"WOW!" Dad cried, grabbing me in another big hug.  
"OW! DAAAD!" I gulped.  
"What?"  
"AIIIIR!"  
"Oh, sorry son." Dad let me go again.   
"Oh, and Darunia?"  
"Hmm, Brother?"  
"I did what you said. I watched him the whole time. The kid doesn't have a scratch on him."  
"Oh, good. I would hate to have to pound you."  
"Oh, not as much as I would hate to have you pound me, Darunia... gulp..."  
Dad clapped his hands. "Hey, shut up!" he yelled to the other Gorons. "Did you hear that? Little Brother LL has helped our hero Brother Link save the whole world!"  
"WOOOO!" cheered the Gorons.  
"We're going to have to have a feast tonight to celebrate!" Dad grinned.  
"But Big Brother, we feasted yesterday. It was Gordo's birthday, remember?" said one Goron.  
"We didn't feast the day before." Dad said.  
"Yes, we did. It was the Early Late Mid Late Early Mid Late Wind Year Feast."  
"How about the day before that?" asked Dad, getting a little upset.  
"Uh... nope. We didn't feast that day."  
"Yeah, we did. Remember? It was cloudy that day, so we had a Cloudy Day Feast."  
"Good grief. You Gorons like to party." Link said, rolling his eyes.  
"We like to eat even more!" I laughed.  
"What's the feast today?" asked Dad.  
"We don't have one today."  
"Then this'll be a new feast day. The 'Little Brother Little Link of the Gorons Saved The World Today Feast!'" Dad grinned.  
OH WOW! I got my own feast named after me!   
OK, so I didn't care that the Gorons pretty much feasted every day for one reason or another.  
"Of course, you'll stay for dinner, Link. Right?" asked Dad, nudging Link's arm.  
"Uh... depends. What are we having?"  
Arty, the best Goron cook in the city, stepped forward. "Big Brother, would you like the usual feast servings or the SPECIAL feast servings?"  
"What's in those?" asked Link.  
"Well, the usual feast servings include Roast Rock Romaine, Ground Granite, Sedimentary Soufflé, Mixed Pebble Salad, an extra big basket of Cement Sandwiches and Flint Fries, and for dessert, Bomb Flower and Malachite Ice Cream with a quart of crushed Quartz smoothies for drink."   
"Um..." said Link, turning a little green. "How about the SPECIAL?"  
"All of the above plus a little of the special human delicacy: MACARONI AND CHEESE!"  
Link sighed in relief.  
"With pebbles in it, of course."   
Link turned even greener. "Um... if it's all right with you guys... could I just have a salad?"  
"Bomb flower or garden?" asked Dad.  
Link raised an eyebrow. "Garden, please. WAIT! What's in the garden?"  
"For garden, we have to have someone run all the way to the Kokiri to pick up some Deku Nuts and leaves."  
"Um, nix the salad. I'll just have some water..." Link said quietly.   
"Aw, are ya sure?" asked Bubba Bo Bob Brian.   
"Yes, positive." Link said quickly.  
  
What followed was the biggest party we could remember. But then we all remembered Bill's birthday a few weeks ago when Mojo and Jimmy had had a bomb flower juice chugging contest, and then they both got sick all over the place. But then we thought again and realized that this one was bigger anyway.  
Link had a glass of water while the rest of us pigged out. Man, I hadn't eaten that well in a whole week...  
And then Dad proceeded to bother Link about the story of our adventure until he gave in and told everyone the story of me, Link, the authors, and the Innocence Medallion.  
Leaving out only the fact that Darunia's son was now able to shape shift... Which I was pretty grateful for.  
I was going to tell Dad sometime. Sometime soon. But I decided that I had better wait until he was in a very, VERY good mood.   
The Gorons all listened intently. At the appropriate parts they smiled (The part when we saved each of the Author Sages), gasped (When we faced off against the bosses), screamed (when I almost fell over the bridge and when Link almost drowned in the Randomness Temple), laughed (when Link got hit in the face with all the pies, which he still didn't find very funny), and clapped. And they even whistled and "AWWWWW!"-ed when Link got to the part when Wintyr made out with him. (He didn't mention my little mishap with GG...)  
  
The whole time, Dad was sitting behind me patting my head whenever Link said I did something good. He was grinning and laughing and just glowing with pride that his son had turned out just like him.  
  
Link was just getting to the part about the new virus turning everything back to normal, when he looked over at me and winked.   
I grinned and winked back to my new best friend in the whole wide world.  
I had meant what I said about Link being even cooler now than he ever had been to me. I mean, it's great that someone is big and strong and awesome. But it's even better when you know that that person can be your friend.   
When Link had finally finished, everyone clapped. I sighed and said, "Let's face it. Adventures are fun, but they take up too much napping time."  
Link cracked up. "Good philosophy." Then he checked his watch. "Oh! I'd better be getting home now, guys."  
Aww... but I would miss Link! I had spent the whole last week with him. It was like a slumber party or something.  
"Thanks again, Brother!" Dad grinned.  
Link packed up his stuff, and left me with a pat on the head and a good handshake. "I'll see ya around, LL."  
"You too!" I said.   
He said bye to Dad, got up off the floor from Dad's big slap on his back, and brushed himself off.   
Then he marched off into the faint light from the moon outside.  
  
"Hey Link, wait!" I cried, racing after him.  
He had just passed the large stone arch leading down the mountain pass when I caught up with him.  
Link sighed and turned around. "Now what?"  
"Don't sound so upset," I said. "I just wanted your autograph."  
"MY AUTOGRAPH?" Link asked in dismay. "Don't you already have it?"  
"No. I've asked for it, but I've never gotten it."  
He sighed and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and scribbled out a message.   
"Hurry up. It's cold out here!" I shivered.  
"Here ya go. Enjoy very much."  
I looked at what he had written.   
"To my friend Little Link of the Gorons. You're the best Goron hero ever. From, Big Link of the Hylians."  
"Hey Link!" I yelled again. But when I looked up, he was already gone.  
That guy disappeared more often than Sheik did.  
"Thank you..." I called to no one in particular. "For helping make my dream come true."  
"You're welcome," someone shouted back. "And thank you, too, for helping me to realize why I do this job."  
"Why is that?" I called back.  
"For people like you!"  
And then he really was gone.  
That Link... what a nice guy!  
  
I heard footsteps behind me. "Hey LL, whaddya doin?"  
"Hi Dad," I said. "Just looking at the stars."  
Dad stopped next to me and stared up at them, too. "Pretty."  
"Dad," I said suddenly, "Are you a widower?"  
"Huh?"  
"Are you a widower?"  
"Oh. Your mother... No son, I'm not a widower."  
"So... Mom's still alive?"  
"As far as I know, yes. I just don't know where."  
I sighed. "Will you tell me where she went someday?"  
"Sure," he said solemnly. "She was so awesome... That's why I think we're so close, LL. You're sort of the last little bit of your mother that I have left. If anything crazy happened to you, I'd never forgive myself!"  
Crazy? Uh... Would you consider shape-shifting crazy?  
"So, did Link already go?"  
"Yeah..." I said. "There goes the coolest guy in the world..."   
"You have no idea how proud I am of you, LL." Dad sighed. "Hearing about you getting all those monsters and such... Great. Just great."  
I briefly wondered what he would think when finally told him my secret.  
"Um... Dad? I've got something... I need to tell you." I said weakly.  
"Sure."  
"Are you gonna be mad?"  
"Of course not. LL, I've been around the block a few times. There's nothing you could tell me that would make me get mad!"   
Oh, believe me, Dad... this just might do it.  
"OK..."  
"What is it?"  
"Um... You know how I'm the Innocence Sage and all?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Well... um... I found out that I..."  
"Yes?"  
"Um... I..."  
"Go on. I'm listening."  
"I..." Oh jeez, how was I going to say this? Oh. I got it!  
"I made out with GG." I said quickly.  
"Oh, is that all? Heh heh, lady-killer..." Dad chuckled. "Yeah, I'm not mad at all. I like her. She reminds me of your mother."  
I sighed. PHEW! That was close.  
But then Dad scratched his head. "What, did you use a stepping stool or something?"  
Whoops...  
"Ah, never mind." I murmured.  
Dad got me in another huge hug, and said, "OH! My little boy is growing up so fast! Next thing you know you'll be studying at the Goron University, learning about rocks and minerals and mining practices and..."  
"Whoa, slow down Dad! I'm only 3 and 14, ya know."  
  
  
  
No, it's not over yet. Sorry.  
  
  
  
  
I sighed and flopped down in my bed. "AHHH!" I sighed. "This bed feels great!"  
It was now pretty late at night. Link had gone home hours ago, and I was stuffed full from the "Little Brother Little Link of the Gorons Saved The World Today Feast". It was time to settle down and go to bed in my own room for the first time in seven whole days.  
I gazed up at the picture I had tacked on the wall seconds earlier.  
It had somehow appeared on my dresser when we were all listening to Link's dramatic re-enactment of the story. But I knew exactly what it was and where it came from.  
Remember back in the Kokiri Forest, when BB took Link, Yumi and my pictures with her Polaroid? I guess she must have found the Polaroids in her pocket when she woke up, and given them to her older sister GG when she didn't know where they had come from.  
It was the one where I was giving Yumi the bunny ears. Maybe one day I would show it to Princess and see what kind of reaction I got.  
Dad stepped into my room. "Hey LL, Arty just whipped up a batch of Cement Chocolate Chip cookies... your favorite! You want some?"  
"Um... sure, Dad!" I said. "I'll just going to be reading in here for a while."  
"Oh, OK. I'll bring them in when they're done," Dad said, and then he turned around and left.  
I reached for my copy of "Les Mise-Rock", the classic Goron romance, when I saw the Innocence Medallion sitting on my bedside table.  
I stared at it for a second. Then I picked it up.  
  
"Well, little friend... You've caused me a lot of trouble over the past week," I said to it. "And I know I did a lot of whining, but the truth is, you've never let me down. Thanks a ton."  
Then I realized that I was talking to a medallion, and I kind of rolled my eyes.  
"No, sorry. It's not you, it's me. Heh heh, I wonder if you still work, anyhoo..."  
Hey... I DID wonder if it DID still work...   
  
I stood up and walked over to the mirror on the wall. Hmmm... It did look pretty good on me. The medallion, I mean. Not the mirror.   
"Let's give this a shot..." I said. "Innocence Medallion, Transform!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
HEY! IT DID STILL WORK!  
"Hey! Thanks!" I said to my medallion. I did feel a bit dizzy this time, but GG had said that that might happen.   
I stared at the mirror again. OK, so I couldn't get used to the fact that I had pinkish skin. Multi-colored eyes were something I had never even considered owning. The hair was a little messy and looked weird all over my head. And no beard... that was a problem.   
But I was used to it. I mean, now when I saw this guy, I really did see me, and not just some weirdo other form of mine.   
"And thanks to you too, Doseki. Whoever you really are." I shrugged.   
"I'm you, stupid."   
EH? Did I just say that?  
Oh. Of course I did.   
"You silly Goron. I am you. You're just thanking yourself."  
"Oh. Of course."   
Something was resting on my mind... Hmmm... I was supposed to remember something... but what was it... something was going to happen in a minute... But I couldn't remember for the life of me what it was...  
"OK LL! Your cookies are here!"  
OH NO! DAD!  
"LL? You in here, L-" Dad stopped dead in his tracks.  
I spun around. "Uhhhh... Hi... Dad?"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked my father. Then his eyes rolled back and he collapsed into a dead faint, dropping the cookies all over the floor.  
"Innocence Medallion return, and QUICK!" I hissed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The other Gorons arrived just as I reappeared as a Goron. "OH NO! BIG BROTHER!" gasped Phil.  
They all dropped down and started smacking Dad and waving rocks under his nose.  
I sat down on my bed and picked up a cookie off the floor. 5 second rule, it was still a perfectly good cookie.  
Man, was I going to have to think of a story to tell Dad about why there was a human in my room, and quick, too.  
I took a little bite out of it and watched the Gorons try to revive my dad.  
Things were back to normal!  
  
Hey, wait a sec. I'm a half rock, half turtle-looking creature who lives in a video game world.  
I eat rocks and can turn into a human.  
I have a human girlfriend who's secretly a superheroine.   
I had just paired up with a wannabe fairy and a guy in a skirt (oops. TUNIC!) to save the world from a computer virus, a bunch of crazy fan fic authors, and a guy whose name includes the word DINGLE.   
There's nothing normal about that.   
  
Well, things were back to AB-normal, anyway!   
  
  
END! 


End file.
